Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dudefile #21 - Is He a Waste of Time?

Dude Whisperer,

Okay so there's this guy who I started talking to before me and my ex broke up. Once we did break up, I started hanging out with this new dude a little bit more. Now here is where he starts to get confusing. He doesn't want a relationship and yet tells me he doesn't want to stop hanging out with me. He tells me he doesn't want to like me too much and then tells me that he does like me too much. I just don't get him.

Also, another thing maybe you can explain to me that he hasn't is that whenever we kiss he is always pushing me away afterwards. It’s getting annoying. I'm okay with not having a relationship because I just got out of a long term one, but I want to at least know what's going on. If I am going to fuck this dude I want to know if he fucking anyone else. We haven't had sex yet only because I think that he is fucking someone else but not telling me.

Is he just a waste of time?


Hi BM,

A couple months back the DW and his wife went to see Lions for Lambs and you could tell it was a sh^t sandwich before the opening credits were over. One-dimensional characters, an idiotic plot, and dialogue that was stiffer than the eighth graders on MILF Island. The sheer vapidity of the first half hour took a year off the DW’s life. Seriously, if Meryl Streep, a story about the war in Iraq, and Tom Cruise as a Republican senator can’t even be accidentally entertaining, you have just entered the rarified air of John Carpenter's Vampires. And pooping yourself.

So, the DW and his wife walked out, right? Well, no. They kept thinking it would get better. It had to get better. Maybe it was a slow start. Maybe there was a great payoff for all this setup. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And in the end, all they got was an hour and forty two minutes of trite junk instead of thirty.

Which brings us to your dude. Is he worth your time? No. Honestly, he sounds confused and wacky and unless he’s the World Heavyweight Champion of Freestyle Cunnilingus or a billionaire with a three-hundred foot yacht or some such thing of your dreams, there doesn’t seem to be much reason to put up with him. If it’s just a good solid f*cking you’re after, ignore Mr. Pushaway’s calls, put on that dress that makes you feel sexy, go to your favorite dude poaching spot with a purse full of condoms and lube and let ‘er rip.

Because really, when was the last time you asked yourself “Is this worth my time?” and the answer wasn’t no? It’s not exactly the kind of thing that pops to mind halfway through a picnic in the park on a glistening fall day, y’know? It’s the kind of question that bubbles up when you have a sh*tty job or when those guitar lessons you’re taking just make you feel like a tone deaf klutz. Look, you don't want to get tangled up in whatever issues makes a dude do this inexplicable yes/no/push/pull/ nonsense. Not to mention it’s a terrible sign he was all hangin’ around while you were still dating some other dude. It’s not gonna get better if you wait it out. You’ve already decided about this dude. You just need to act.

Incidentally, the DW learned the lesson of Lions for Lambs and just last night, at the 37 minute mark, remorselessly ejected Dan In Real Life from the laptop. Maybe it would have become less of a self-congratulatory turdburger in the final hour. But, like your dude, it was a lot more likely to keep on being what it was.

One final note should you end up recreationally boning this dude despite his unworthiness, or if you find yourself in a f#ckbuddy type situation at some point in the future. While it may seem to make sense instinctively or seem fair or whatever, you don’t necessarily get to know who else a f^ckbuddy is f*ckbuddy-ing. That’s girlfriend stuff. Be safe and thick-skinned because unless it’s something you two expressly and specifically make an amendment to the Solemn F&ckbuddy Pact, just f^ckin’ is just f^ckin’. You or the dude want to run off and make Boob and Baloney sandwiches with someone else that’s your own delicious, delicious business.

Best of luck finding a dude you do get,
the DW


Anonymous said...

Dan in Real Life only gets much, much worse. Another wise choice, DW.

Anonymous said...

good advice. reminds me of a very dude movie (predator) in which jesse the body ventura has a great line about not wasting time and dilly dallying: "i ain't got time to bleed!"

bm, go find a man who doesn't waste your time. or go defeat the intergalactic sport hunter. i forget which at this point.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmmmm, boob and baloney.