Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dudefile# 36 - The Dildo Incident

Hi Dude,

Three years ago, I was having sex. Uhhh that wasn't the last time I had sex, but something happened during sex that made the occasion memorable. and not in a good way. Here's the situation. I had been in a monogamous relationship with this dude for three years prior. Ever since we got together, he urged me to get a dildo, but I didn't want one, so I said no I don't want one. He said he'd like to eventually get one for us, because it was a fantasy of his to use a dildo on me. So I eventually got one. And sometimes I'd bring it out when we were having sex, or use it myself when he was away on a business trip. The very last time I brought it out for the dude to use on me was three years ago. We were both really into it, and having a great time, and the dude pulls the dildo out of me and lifts it up to mouth level and opens wide, like he is about to perform oral sex on my dildo. Just as he is closing his eyes, I am yelling No! and he drops the dildo and looks really embarrassed and said he forgot what he was doing.

I didn't break up with him until much later, but that scene haunts me. Is that normal? I have no idea what is normal. Do dudes suck dildos or have dildo fetishes? All I could think afterwards was, He's gay. I never mentioned this incident again in our relationship, which shows you what a dysfunctional, uncommunicative relationship it was, but I did ask him after we broke up if he has sex with men. He stuttered and stammered and said No, why would you ask that? I said, No reason...

Unless someone says, I'm Gay, there really isn't a litmus test or anything, right?


Hi C,

Okay, so first of all, you should know that this is the wifey's favorite email in quite some time. I mean, this one was the topic of so much speculation around here you would hardly believe it. A week afterwards we'd just be on the train and she would look at me and say, out of nowhere, "Do you think that dildo guy is sucking a real cock right now?" For what it's worth, the first thing the wifey said when she read over the DW's shoulder was, "So gay." So, there was at least one person on board with your theory. At least on first read.

The DW, though, isn't so sure there's anything quite so intriguing here as a dude emerging from the closet to go all Republican Congressman on your ass. Or anyone else’s ass for that matter. Look, is it possible the dude is gay? Sure. Possible he's bi? Of course. There will probably be commenters on this post who haven't been so sure of something in their lives. But the DW thinks this was just run of the mill naughty stuff gone awry.

The main basis for this assumption is simple. You didn't mention anything about the sex or the dude before or after The Dildo Incident that was gay-ish. Granted, who can say what the hell ‘gay-ish’ is supposed to mean, anyway, but the DW does find it revealing that you didn’t have any sort of “AHA!” moments looking back after the fact. Kaiser Soze’s big gay story didn’t exactly snap into place for you, y’know? You weren’t like, “Oooooh right. The show tunes. The fancy socks. His best pal Chaz from Pilates… Dangit! I was so blind!” The only fantasy of the dude's you mentioned was using a dildo on you. And that's pretty standard straight dude fare.

The DW, as he was reading your story, was reminded of a moment in his own life. When the DW and the wifey first started getting serious they went to get tested at a local free clinic. One question they asked the DW in the little We Need To Ask A Couple Things To Get An Idea If You’re On Smack Or Nailin’ Goats Or Something talk was something like, "In the last year have you inserted a toy into her, and then into you, and then back into her, and then in your mouth, and then-" Honestly, the DW doesn't remember the whole sordid and intricate sequence because he pretty much tuned out after the part that meant he would have had a dildo up his a*s. Just not his thing.

But the point is this- that question at the clinic was testament to the fact that people dig different stuff when it comes to different things being put different places. Some women like to taste their own hoo-hoo off a dude's weiner. Some dudes like to have their own spoo spit back into their own mouths from the mouth whence they came. Pick a combination of mouth, object, and body part, somebody's way into it. Frankly, the DW thinks it's just as likely this dude was getting off on licking the thing that he'd twisted into your sweet sweet p*ssy as he was finally, after years of secrecy, revealing his love for sweet sweet dick. In the moment, he may have just thought you were scolding him for being gross or unsanitary or something and not a thought in the world of another mans balls ever went through his head. He may have been horribly, horribly confused later on about what the f&ck you meant by that mansex question. Jesus, is she telling other chicks I'm gay? Is she trying to tell me my f$ckskills are so lame the only logical explanation is gayness? What is happening?

Look, imagine any time you were getting it on. The last time, just to make it easy. Now imagine getting pulled out of the moment quickly and unexpectedly and alarmingly. You would probably look at least a little silly. As would we all. When we're gettin' down we're doing things we don't do anywhere else, saying things we don't normally say, and trusting someone else like you don't normally trust. This is just to say that this was probably at least as jarring to the dude as it was to you.

In the end, though, you are right that there is no litmus test. You know, other than liking or not liking a penis in your mouth. And you're also right that it speaks volumes about your relationship that you could wonder something about a 3 year boyfriend that's as impactful to your relationship as Is He Gay and not get around to really talking it out with him.

Anyway, the DW thinks the dude is Straight and Scared Supersh^tless to Ask Current Girlfriend Anything Remotely The F&CK About Dildos. And even after an initial So Gay, the wifey has now come around to This Dude Is To Dildo What Bill Clinton Is To Cigar. Maybe don't bring it up with this dude again, though. Just let him either move on with his life as a straight dude or ease out into the open at his own pace.

Here's to your next dude not freaking you out, or you freaking him out,

the DW

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Poll Results #16

Thanks to everyone for participating in yet another extremely scientific Dude Whisperer Poll. And don't let John Zogby give you all that plus or minus 4% margin of error polling is an inexact science nonsense. This sh^t is 100% on the nose. Here's what you said...

Is a dude's bad fashion a dealbreaker for you?

Yes 24%
No 13%
Only if it's, like, smooth jazz bad. 62%

Wait, so about a quarter of women would just look at your mock turtleneck ass and walk away? Sounds about right, actually.

And another 60 percent would walk away if you had on a Bill Cosby sweater? Actually, that sounds about right, too.

So, you were expecting the DW to be horrified by these results? Not so much. Look, the DW isn’t exactly a label whore. He can’t tell an alarmingly expensive pair of dark blue jeans from something off the rack at the Gap. He has no idea any more if his Chuck Taylors are cool again or passé again. He shops for clothes only slightly more often than he rotates his tires. Which is never.

But here’s the thing. If a dude dresses so particularly that his style isn’t just a little inept or sloppy or unhip, but his style is something you would outright call ‘smooth jazz bad’, it really does ask a woman to make some assumptions about him. For instance, take this look. The DW thinks it’s fair to walk away if white boy dreads aren’t your thing. After all, he believes it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, “Where there are white boy dreads, there will be white boy dread behaviors and ideas.” Simple as that.

Dudes, is a woman's bad fashion a dealbreaker for you?

Yes. 15%
No. 46%
Um, there is no fashion if you're naked? 38%

Just in case there was any doubt, this poll again reinforces the idea that dudes don’t really care that much about what you wear unless it involves a dramatic change in the amount of visible side boob .

Dress for each other, by all means, sexy ladies. But know that what most dudes learn to notice they are learning by rote. And chances are there are only two reasons they mention anything about your clothes or accessories. 1) They are in a relationship with you and have learned that noticing your new earrings makes you happy 2) They would like to touch your bare bouncy boobs and saying “Dang, that is a sweet blouse!” is the kind of thing they have learned will keep you at the bar for another drink.

Monday, October 20, 2008

A Note on Odds and Ends

Welcome back, lovely and talented readers,

A few odds and ends to take care of today.

First- You might have noticed over there to your left a new list of DW Reader Blogs. If you're a DW reader and you've got a blog, this is a spot where you can show off that thing you do. Just send the DW a note and your blog address and up you go. Come on. You know you wanna.

Second- It's time to clean up some of the old links from Links the DW Likes. So, before they go away, check 'em out if you haven't already...
aaayyyeah! (David Lee Roth is his finest comedic role)
Restaurant Specializing in Penis (The DW repeats- In Penis.)
Prelude to a Second Vault (Hang in there til the 11 second mark, those of you with no attention span...)

And lastly, you might have noticed Warren Buffett over there to your left, too. Look, the DW's been tag team b*tchslapped by the NASDAQ and the Dow as badly as you have. He knows times are tough. But he would humbly ask you to consider contributing to the site if you've found any of this genius over the last several months enlightening and/or entertaining. If you can't spare a square, the DW understands. But if you've got a little walkin' around money, why not share your love?
More soon.
the DW

UPDATE 10/22/08 : Due to very wise reader input, the DW has fired Warren Buffett as tipjar spokesperson and replaced him with a sexy fireman. After all, while there are some times that call for great financial minds, there are many more times that require some ripped-@ss pecs. 

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Dudefile #35 - Why Do Dudes Have D-Bag Friends?

Hey Dude Whisperer,

I have these 2 guy friends- let’s call them M and N. We were in college together. We knew another guy ...let's call him D.

M, N and I have talked about this and always agreed that D is a big douche-bag (he is a pig, a sexist, impolite and generally has no sense of propriety, among other things). I hang out with M and N often. Problem is, they insist on inviting D along at least 1 out of every 5 times. I have come close to punching the guy in the face at least 2 times in the past 3 years that I have known him (not literally.... but you get the point).

Anyways, getting to the point....when M and N clearly do not like D why do they insist on hanging out with him? (and consequently indirectly force me to hangout with him as well) This is something that I have seen to various degrees with all dude friends of mine. As a woman, I can say that, if I don’t like another person the most I would do is say a hello when I see him/her on the street but would never actually invite that person out for an evening to hangout with my other friends.

I don’t get it,


PS: It is not such a big problem for me per se (I can hold my own) and when I get really fed up with the guy I just walk away. Also M and N make sure they give me a heads up when D will be joining us. But I am just curious since I do not understand this behavior.

Hi there NZ,

You know, the day you sent this question the DW got an email from a friend we’ll call S who had been out on the town with a third dude we’ll call P. S described P as follows, “He was funny ten years ago, and now he's just an imminent arrest.” Does S hang out with P real often these days? Not so much. But is he going to drop P as a friend? Um, no to that, too.

And over the years the DW has done the same thing. He’s maintained long friendships with dudes who have done the following- attempted to tackle pizza a delivery dude, thrown up on the escalator at ESPN Zone in Baltimore, sh*t their pants on purpose, participated in Guaranteed Yack Night, and serially grossed out every woman the DW knew. Okay, so actually, the DW thought a lot of that stuff was pretty awesome at the time, but you get the idea. It’s really only in the last couple years that the DW has found himself without that embarrassing D in his life of which you speak.

So why do dudes do this? How does it come to pass that one regular dude insists on hanging out with a douchebag? The DW will walk you through the process.

The first thing to know is that dudes don’t talk that much. They Do Things together. So, it’s not too difficult to be friends with a dude on a casual level and simply Do Something like stand around a grill of ribs in someone’s backyard or whatever. You don’t actually cover much detail about your life this way like women do when they get together and chat and chat and chat and presumably share all kinds of intimate thoughts and feelings. (This is what women do, right? At any rate, this is what dudes assume you do.) Anyway, not knowing much about a dude can make it easy to be friends, but also easy to make a bad initial judgement about a friend. Even a douche can seem pretty okay if all you know about him is that his TV is way better for watching the Niners game than yours.

So, step one is that maybe D comes along to a barbeque with a dude friend. Now you’ve Done Something together. Maybe next time D is part of a group that goes to the new Marky Mark action movie. Now you’ve Done Something together a couple times.

Step two is that eventually there will come a time when you Do Something with D and the mutual friend dude that introduced you to D is not around. Now, you’re pretty much dude friends.

And here’s where things can start to snowball. Dudes don’t actually have to Do Something together that often to stay friends. In fact, one of the great things about dude friends is that they require so little maintenance. It’s not like your girlfriend who will expect you to tell her a week beforehand that you’re excited that her birthday is coming up, then celebrate her birthday with her at a bar and help her find dudes to smooch while she’s getting drunk, then give her a present even though she told you specifically not to but would secretly hate you if you didn’t get her something, then a week later tell her on at least three occasions how great her birthday was and how excited about her birthday you were. The DW has no idea what any of his friends’ birthdays are. He has friends that go back twenty years with whom he might go six months without any meaningful contact. Easy, peasy.

What this means, though, is that if you become casual friends with D you can see him, say, once every couple months here and there, and so it might not be til you’ve known him for six months that he seems like a douche. But, since you don’t have to see him every day or talk that much, you can forget about what a douche he is before the next time you see him. Or, at the very least, he doesn’t seem like enough of a douche that it’s worth the effort of confronting him about it or avoiding him. Do this a couple times and the next thing you know, you’ve been friends with D for three years!

And here's the thing about that. Once you've been friends with a dude for three years, you can't just drop him. Dudes have weird loyalty issues. You have some history with D that should mean something. You cut him some slack. You stick up for him. You put up with him being totally embarrassing, even.

The final step is when that loyalty just turns over into stubbornness. Once you’ve been friends with a dude and stuck your neck out for him, well, it would just feel dumb to drop him now. Think GW never being able to admit that Iraq, you know, maybe didn’t work out so hot. It’s been too long, I’ve gone too far dammit! It may be a motherf%ckin’ disaster, but it’s my motherf^ckin’ disaster, a’ight!

This is M and N's anatomy of a D friend in a nutshell. The DW eventually reached a point in his life where he dropped the D's. Maybe your friends will, too. Until they're ready, though, at least they're giving you the heads up about when the D will be around.

Hope this makes sense. Or, rather, the DW knows it makes no sense, but does it suffice as an explanation?


the DW

PS- The DW just realized that the whole thing about dudes Doing Things together is incredibly homoerotic. Seriously, it’s totally worth a re-read thinking Abercrombie and Fitch ad thoughts. Doing things! Doing things with lots of dudes! Oh,my! The DW even worked the termsnowball in there. Good times.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Question For You

Hey there, sexy readers,

Below is a question from the DW’s inbox that was directed not only to him but to you. It should be noted that what you see below was edited down by the DW, so as to keep things at a reasonable length for a post. So, if anything should strike you odd about the style or tone or anything, give the questioner a break and assume it was the DW hacking things up a bit.

And now without further ado…

Dear Dude Whisperer,

A Question for you that you can also direct to your readers.

Aside from the Declaration of Hotness and the Declaration of Mad Sack Skills, I notice a lot of your readers have a propensity for casual encounters. I get the fact that people need to fit getting off into their busy schedules, that everyone is horny at some point or another, and I'm certainly not here to thump Bibles or point fingers. My question is not "how dare you?" or "don't you know better?" but a simple, open-ended "why?"

The answer may seem obvious -that fabulous sex everyone is apparently having all over the place, no strings, no worries, etc. But it's not quite that obvious when "arrangements" seem to require all this mental preparation, all these rules, all this worrying about sticking to the rules, all this amateur mind-reading, and, to me, all this horrendous anxiety. I understand that the people who are perfectly comfortable in their situations are not going to write to you, and thus the sample is fundamentally biased. However, these are not the first people I've seen stressing over "arrangements." In fact, most people I've known stressed about theirs.

Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I'm curious to hear how the pros outweigh the cons. I'm curious to know what makes these relationships satisfying. I'm curious how people shut down that little voice which says "he may be hot, but you know you don't like him that much." Maybe I'm coming from a different mindset - if someone bores me to tears or annoys the crap out of me, the hotness fades. The same if they're neither boring or annoying, but just blah. If they're blah, they're a waste of time - I don't read stupid books, buy ugly shoes, or eat crappy food. So why would I spend time with someone who just doesn't cut it for me? And if they're not "blah," if I really really like them, then I wouldn't want to be just an "arrangement" to them - clearly, not good enough to date, but okay for a hook-up. That's just not good for anyone's self-esteem and self respect. I'll take the rejection and go gank some noobs. Nerd-rage is good occasionally.

So yah, to sum it all up: why do people have "arrangements" if they're complicated? Or, assuming someone is having a very uncomplicated "arrangement" because they don't have the time or they aren't in the right place for a real relationship, how do they get over the fact that the dude isn't really all that? (i.e. what do they get out of sleeping with a dude they don't like that much?). The above is just an assumption, because if they are hooking up with dudes they DO like, that's a whole different can of worms right there (the stuff that castles in Spain and broken dreams are made of).

The DW can answer this one from a dude point of view pretty easily. Dudes can often completely separate things that involve a little naked Hokey Pokey from feelings and emotional attachment. In fact, depending on where a dude is at with his life, having the feeling and emotional attachment out of the equation can be like a beautiful Christmas morning. The complication of maintaining an “Arrangement”, to these dudes, is a lot less complication than maintaining a relationship.

So, depending on the dude and the dude’s state of mind there’s not necessarily this All or Nothing choice to be made about who you’re boning. A girl may be ‘blah’, as you say, but the contents of her panties rarely are. What is satisfying, you ask? Sex.

But as for the ladies? The DW dares not speculate. What say you, promiscuous readers?

Work it,

the DW

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Online Dating Tip #5 - Dare To Be Utterly Unappealing

One of the things the DW learned right away about online dating was that the “first move” part was no different on the internets than it was in a bar. Not one woman ever contacted him first. Meanwhile, every woman he knows who has online dated has had her mailbox spilling over with 926 dudes in about 2.4 seconds.

“It’s a real pain in the a#s to sort through all those losers.”

“Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.”

“So many gross dudes!”

To these sorts of complaints, the DW, as a former online dating dude with a completely empty mailbox, says, “Boo frickin’ hoo to you and all your options.” He also suggests that you dare to make yourself utterly unappealing. Not unappealing to everyone, of course. Just to the dudes you don’t want.

Or maybe another way to put it is, don’t write your profile as if it’s for everyone. It’s not. It’s not for the local news. It’s not for an essay contest. It’s not even for your friends. The only person your profile is really for is that dude you want to meet.

Just as asking for everything in the world can be a bad idea (see Online Dating Tip #2 – The List Of Demands) presenting yourself as everything in the world can be a bad idea, too. If you say you are “Just as comfortable in hiking boots as high heels!” when, closer to the truth is something like 1) you don’t like hiking that much, but you think you want a dude who’s outdoorsy or 2) you haven’t hiked in six years, but think it’s about time you started walking more or 3) you think dudes like a woman who hikes or 4) omg! you just flat out hate hiking and have no f*cking idea why you just typed what you did, well, don’t be surprised to find yourself on a second date in a tent somewhere remote, wondering what the sweet jesus you have in common with this dude who smells like campfire that’s trying to worm his way into your sleeping bag.

Make jokes. Take stands. Be definitive. Dare to have a dude feel strongly about what you write. Do that, and some will find you utterly unappealing, it's true. But the dudes with whom you actually have a lot in common will likely find you all the more desirable.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dudefile# 34 - The Vibrator

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Love your advice. Now I've got one I'm betting you haven't heard before. I am horribly cursed with an almost complete inability to orgasm.

Actually, it's an inability to orgasm in any kind of natural way. The only way that I *can* have an orgasm is by stimulating my clit with a vibrator. Don't get me wrong, I am a very sexual person--I'm constantly horny and I love sex, kissing, fondling, giving and receiving oral, etc etc etc. But the road to orgasm is rough and rocky, and can only be overcome with the use of a battery operated device.

This poses a problem for me, as I am recently back on the singles market and want to have some fun with my weekends. I've hooked up with several dudes since becoming single, and with each one I revisit my dilemma: do I fake an orgasm? or do I just tell him it might not happen, but that i'll have fun no matter what and am happy to please him? (which is a bit of a fib, because it definitely will not happen and it does impact my level of fun.) or do I bring out my small and unassuming clit stimulator, which I know strikes feelings of inadequacy into the hearts of many dudes?

Let me tell you my feelings on the subject. First off, I am embarrassed and depressed by the fact that I seem to be...well...malfunctioning in this way. In fact I have only told a couple of people that I have this problem, and they were dudes that I was in long-term relationships with.

Based on my general conversations about sex with women and dudes, however, I gather that this is a rare problem. Women can almost always cum from oral or manual stimulation, even if not from intercourse itself. But not me. So I've had no one to really discuss this with, or get advice from, as no one really understands, and I am too embarrassed to talk about it anyway. That said, I've faked it with a few dudes I've casually hooked up with (who hasn't?). I hate doing that. It puts pressure on me to fake it at the right time and to do it convincingly, and also sets a precedent that I'll have to fake it again if we hook up again, and of course leaves me unsatisfied. And, if any of these casual hookups should turn into something more (yeah, unlikely, I know), I've now started a relationship based on lies. But, faking it avoids me having to give any explanations as to my lack of orgasm.

The second option, where I warn him it may not happen, kinda sucks too. It leaves him feeling inadequate that he couldn't make me cum, and makes me feel like a freak. I recently hooked up with a dude and tried to orgasm the "natural" way (me rubbing my clit while he fucked me)...it was wishful thinking on my part, and after a couple hours of sex he got tired and didn't even cum himself. So I felt like I disappointed him in two ways--he felt like he couldn't please me, and I put so much pressure on him for so long that he got too tired to even be able to please himself. So this option sucks too.

The third option, where I attempt to sexily and un-intimidatingly bring my "little friend" into the mix, is one I've tried during casual sex with mixed success. One dude thought it was hot, which was cool. One dude was totally accepting and had used toys with women before (though never as a necessity), but confessed that he still wanted to make me cum himself. I assured him "It's not you, it's me," which sounds so cliche and false, but in this case it's true. Another dude did not seem so keen on the whole thing, but still let me use the toy anyway while we fucked. But, though he never told me himself, I suspect it was the reason we stopped hooking up after a few times. He just seemed so uncomfortable. So, bringing out the toy can make a dude feel inadequate, and makes me feel like a freak, and (I think) in many cases makes him think I'm a freak. But this is the only option that lets me cum.

I'm not new to sex, let me assure you. I've tried anything and everything and it's just a fact--it's either the toy or no orgasm (even when masturbating). In a relationship situation, I would bring up the subject slowly and before we've had sex, and feel him out to see if this was something that he would be comfortable with. But in a casual hookup situation (which is all I'll be doing for awhile), I don't know what to do. It's casual semi-anonymous sex--there's usually just no way to bring it up before we hop in the sack.

So, DW, what do you think most dudes would prefer? Should I risk making him (and myself) uncomfortable by introducing the toy? (if so, got any tips on how to do this with minimal awkwardness and embarrassment?) Lie and fake it? Or tell him it may not happen, but focus on giving him the best fuck of his life while secretly feeling disappointed?

Not to burden you with my girly emotions, but I can't even count how many times I've cried and felt hopelessly sexually inadequate because of my problem. I want to feel free and uninhibited when it comes to sex (and in many other ways I do), but this thing has always held me back. I just hate knowing that I'm a freak.

Thanks for listening,
Orgasm Deficient

Hi OD,

There are two lessons the DW learned from waiting tables.

Lesson One - If you are relaxed and believe everything is okay, your tables will relax and believe everything is okay. Food late? No problem. Order mixed up? No problem. Need to pull out a sex toy? No problem.

Lesson Two - It is impossible to anticipate who is going to tip and who isn't, so you might as well just do the job the way you want to do it and whatever happens, happens.

(The DW actually also learned that it could be remarkably effective to blame everything on the kitchen, but since that lesson's not exactly honorable we'll disregard it for the metaphorical purposes at hand.)

So let’s look, OD, at how Lesson One applies to you.

First things first, you need to understand that you are not a freak. The DW usually hesitates to claim he knows anything about women, but all his experience with the womenfolk, direct or anecdotal, makes him pretty darned sure that needing your little p*ssyhelper is, in fact, distinctly un-freakish. Look, if he's horny enough a dude can rub one out while eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and looking up movie times on Fandango. Women, well, not so much, right? The DW had a girlfriend years ago for whom an orgasm was kind of like spotting Sasquatch- a lot of squinting, excitement, celebration, and an urge to alert the local news, but later when you went back and looked at the film it turned out all you had was some dude running through the woods in a gorilla suit. Okay, so that simile kinda fell apart.

But the point is this- everybody's got that thing they need to scale mighty Orgasm Mountain, and yours happens to be a vibrator, that's all. Big deal. Normal as pooping. It could be a hell of a lot worse. What if you were one of those folks that needed, well, pooping?

The DW would like to invite readers with vaginas to comment about this. You are seriously not freakish. Can’t stress this enough. Once you understand you have nothing to be ashamed of or worry about, you can apply Lesson One to the wieners in your life. If you are relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay, the wiener will be relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay.

Lesson Two translates pretty easily, as well. Look, if the DW took it personally every time he got a sh#tty tip he would have become a very angry, confused, self-doubting waiter dude, indeed. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t control how people are going to behave, no matter how quickly you bring their breadsticks or whatever. And you can’t control reaction (other than as in Lesson One) to your vibrator, either. If some dude is so sans nuts he thinks your orgasm needs are a reflection on him and wants to get all boo-hoo poor me about it, well, maybe that tells you all you need to know about what a chump the dude is. Maybe it’s just because the DW happens to be an outrageously creative and confident lovah, but he bets there are a lot more dudes than you think who would not only take you up on using the toy, but greedily inquire about what else you’ve got in that bedside drawer. Seriously, you could tell the DW that getting off required a dozen eggs, a garden gnome, and a small suitcase full of chick peas and he would simply ask what went where and in what order.

And so all of this leads us back towards pretty familiar DW territory. The best thing to do here is just be up front with a dude. Dudes understand direct. They don’t understand hints, especially when it comes to the many-faceted wonder that is the human vagina. Just say what you need. And say so confidently. This thing that you view as a problem is not a malfunction, rare, weird, or any of those other words you used in your note in any way. It's how your p*ssy works. Big frickin' deal. The DW can't stress this enough. Normal.

Casual hookup night? Just pull that vibrator out and tell the dude how to use it. Or, how to watch you use it. Whatever you like. Don't apologize for yourself because there is nothing to apologize for. As long as you make sure that the dude’s ending is similarly happy, he'll do whatever you want. And if he doesn't, tell the dumb sh&t to leave. In the DW's opinion, you don't need to do any pre-depantsing explanation because 1) again, This Is Not Weird and 2) casual hookups are full of surprises for you, too. Seriously, do you expect a guy to tell you while you're still at the bar flirting over margaritas, "So, um, you should know ahead of time that I've got one of those bendy dicks. We're talkin', like, serious right turn, Clyde . Oh, and my balls smell." No. And your preferences aren’t even unppealing, anyway, so don't sweat it.

For a long term thing? Maybe, if you want, you can talk about this beforehand, but not necessary. Pretty much all the stuff above still applies.

So, don't fake any orgasms and don't set up some other situation where you're constantly sexually disappointed or any of that kind of stuff. Deception, especially where genitals are involved, does not do well in the long term. You will have problems and regrets. It's not worth it. Rather than ask what a dude would prefer, ask yourself what you would prefer. The DW bets what you would prefer is a dude who isn't phased by your toy in the least. So, if you find out sooner than later that some dude is freaked out by a little harmless toy, well, maybe that’s all for the good so you can decide whether or not you want to educate him or dump his a*s before you get too involved.

Seriously, though. No more crying, babydoll! You're no freak and this is no burden to anybody. Believe it.

Best of luck with the dudes, and may you never run out of batteries,

the DW

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Dude and Dudette of the Week! (#9)

This time around, the not quite weekly Dude of the Week award goes to Matt Bauer and Claire Light. And really, this is just because the DW wants to make a couple recommendations to you, his extremely bright and good looking readership. No dude theories or observations, just pure promotion of stuff that the DW thinks deserves to be brought to your attention.

First, the dude. Matt Bauer is a musician with a new record out called The Island Moved in the Storm. His site is here, Myspace is here, record label here. It’s hard to type about music without sounding like some dork fanboy or resorting to hyperbole, vaguely flowery prose, or insisting that cool band X sounds like a mashup of cool band Y and cool band Z- so, the DW will just say this. The record is f&cking good and you should go to the sites listed above or to iTunes and have a listen. You could try to file the sound under Folk or Alt Country or Indie or Americana, but really, this music is a rare gift of originality. Strong lyrics, spare and haunting arrangements, layers upon layers to discover. And, ladies, the DW thinks you’ll find Mr. Bauer a serious sexypants. What a tall drink of water! Go! Listen now! What are you waiting for?

And now the dudette. Claire Light is a writer of many things, but the DW is going to direct you, in particular, to her site Enterbrainment, and let you explore from there. (Here’s her bio from the site.) She calls Enterbrainment “Trash for Smarties” and that’s about as good a sum-up as the DW could manage. This is a place where posts called Baby Panda Sneeze and Can the Government Control the Arts make perfect sense side by side. Sci-fi TV, the politics of race, who should Jennifer Aniston date - all fair game and all addressed with a smartypants slant. Have you ever had an Us Weekly and a New Yorker in your bag at the same time? Go now!

So, there you are. Don’t say the DW never gave ya nothin’. More soon. Best,

the DW

Friday, October 3, 2008

A Note On Your Mind-Blowing Sex. (And Crass Commercialism.)

Readers who go way back to the Stone Age of March 6th may remember a Dude Whisperer post called A Note on Your Hotness, in which the DW wondered aloud why so many of the women who write to him are careful to insist that they are the, er, opposite of horrible looking. The conclusion the DW reached about this phenomenon was that the Declaration of Hotness was a sort of inoculation against the DW dealing out an answer like, “You are clearly a troll and that’s why he dumped your ugly a$s.” Since then, we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, the self-assessments have become a little more realistic, and the DW has hopefully proven that you don’t need to sell yourself as Megan Fox’s hotter, smarter sister to get him to focus on non-appearance reasons for your various conundrums.

Which brings us to the Declaration of Mind-Blowing Sex. If the DW’s scorchin’ hot mailbox is to be believed, his readers have found a hidden society of dudes who are out there with f#ckin’ skills that would shock Larry Flynt. We’re talkin’ dudes that are to legendary p&ssy techniques what Shaolin monks are to kung-fu. Which is odd, actually, since most of the women the DW knows in real life lament a string of dudes who thunk around in their panties with all the tenderness and understanding of an unlicensed plumber. Clang, Whack. What the f&ck are you doing in there?

What the DW has noticed is that most of the letters where Dr. Mindblower turns up are letters in which women don’t have much else to say that’s tangibly positive about the dude. Three theories.

One. Is the assessment of ‘earth shattering’ and ‘mind-blowing’ and ‘toe curling’ a knowing exaggeration as a way to add something emphatic to the Pro column when the Con column for a dude starts getting long? You know, the more you type about some dude, the more you start to realize he’s a douche, so the more you feel like you have to make him sound good or the DW will scold you for your poor choices? Maybe you do it to talk yourself into his positives? Basically, is this a PR campaign?

Two. The sex really is pretty good, and part of the reason is because the dude is kind of a jerk and deep down you know it. “I shouldn’t be doing this! Now take me, you d*ck!” [Swoon. Consider how awesome it would be if you were the one who could tame this hot, steaming pile of cheater and liar into the honorable man you know he can be. ] The DW doesn’t like to believe that this bad boy/danger/forbidden kinda attraction stuff is true, but he doesn’t like to believe that the Giants have five more years on Barry Zito’s contract either, and there’s no getting around that one.

Three. You just want to believe it so bad. Maybe you confuse the pleasure of having a dude be interested with the pleasure of the actual wienerplay. Maybe you don’t have a whole lot of other experience to compare against? Maybe you just really, really want to like the dude? But for whatever reason, it’s just the more appealing option to believe the sex is top notch.

Or maybe it’s none of the above. But look, there’s a lot of sh^tty clumsy sex out there and some of you must be having it. So, what gives? The DW fully admits that, as usual, he knows nothing about women, but he would like to understand. What’s up with your Smokin’ Hot Super Sexy F*ckodysseys?

One other quick note: Sometime soon you may see ads appear on the site. The DW welcomes thoughts about this. On the one hand, he would like to have his salary for being a genius raised slightly from the current rate of $0.00 per hour, but if there is a great outcry and a general gnashing of teeth about how ads are ruining your life, he could perhaps take them back down and look for other ways to raise money. Perhaps a government bail-out.

Another Dudefile and DOW soon.


the DW