Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dudefile #54 - Will He Only Date Asian Women?

Hi DW,

first off, love your site. it's hysterical and helpful.

now down to business. there is this guy who is in my circle of friends who i am in crush with. he's cute, fun, can have a conversation, isn't adverse to wearing a wig for a costume party. in short, a great package. i like to think of myself as the same. the only issue is i'm not asian and he tends to date asian women. he is not asian.

my question is - when a guy has a 'type', will he ever date outside of it?

thanks so much and have a wonderful day!


Hi K,

Okay, so the answer here really is "Sometimes". The DW can't remember if he's already mentioned this one dude roommate he had way back when, but that dude was all about some boobies. Actually, not boobies- cans. Actually, not even cans, jugs. Jugs are bigger than cans, right? Anyway, he was into the largest breast size possible, pick your favorite slang. All the women he dated had Yooge breasts. The woman he married had Yooge breasts. Never once did he get drunk and/or curious enough to go one iota sub-watermelon.

But, you know how Anne Hathaway got all angsty and kookypants for Rachel Getting Married and critics fell all over themselves saying it was the best work she'd ever done? Sometimes dudes are like that with women. They find themselves oh so gently fondling a small pair of boobies instead of a big pair of boobies and they're like, "Ah! Where have these tasty morsels been my whole life?" Going against type can turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. Think Alec Baldwin dropping the brooding leading man bit and letting himself be funny. In fact, the DW strongly encourages branching out from what you think you know you like because you're probably wrong if you've never done some comparison shopping.

In the case of this dude, the DW thinks you should consider him in play. If he's as solid as he sounds, he'll be open to going out of the narrow preference zone of Asian women. And if not, then maybe he's not so cool after all. Yes, dudes, including the DW, have ideas about what they like in a woman physically, but when a dude can't stray at all from a certain race or enormous canjugboobiebreasts or whatever the fixation is you start to get into territory where you have to wonder how much of the dude's motivation is strictly directed by fetishizing a characteristic. And that's a little dehumanizing and weird.

Best of luck with the dude we'll assume for now is not an Asiaphile.

Have fun,

the DW

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dudefile #53- What Are The Rules These Days?

Hi DW,

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read my email. I know by now you must be in more demand than ever, so thank you for this selfless duty you do for smart, yet helpless women everywhere. Second, any chance we might soon see something in print?

Ok, so here's my situation. In the 5 years that I've been out of college, I was with a guy for nearly the first 4 of them. Our relationship was very easy...we dated for about a month before we were exclusive, moved in together after just half a year, and spent another 3 years together before breaking up on mutual and friendly terms.

That was about a year ago, and since then I have been dating frequently, but nothing that has surpassed the 2nd or 3rd date mark. I have now been dating a guy for about 2 weeks, and I'm really, really into him.

Here's how that story unfolds: We "met" on about 3+ weeks ago. He emailed me before leaving on a 10 day boys trip to Hawaii, we exchanged emails for everyday that he was there, and when he got back, we arranged a date for 3 days later on a Wednesday. The first date went well and was immediate followed by a second date the next night. Before the date ended, he asked me for a 3rd date for the following Wednesday, but then asked me the Sunday prior to come over and watch a DVD. Heavy kissing, but no major action while we watched the movie.

By Wednesday (our 4th "date"), we hooked up...3rd base, no penetration...and he asked to see me the coming Monday (I hope I'm not making this too confusing to follow). We caught a movie 2 hours later than planned and then I called it a night since he had to be up for work in 4 hours. Before the night was over, he asked when I was available this week, to which I answered Friday, and we set what would have been our 6th date in 2.5 weeks.

The next day, he texts me to say that he has to cancel on our date because his friend is moving to SF on Saturday, and Friday is the only night she is available to be seen before she takes off due to other farewell dinners with friends. I said I understood, to which he said "Thank you :p", but no offer of a rescheduling. He always makes sure to schedule our next date before the last one has ended, and this is the first time he's ever cancelled, and he's doing so 4 days in advance. All in all, the chemistry and compatibility seem to be great. Following all the "rules", I haven't brought any attention to his intermittent contact, been "too" available or pursue him, never nag about where we stand or are headed....all that stuff, blah blah blah.

Now, from start to finish and being generous by including our email exchanges as part of the courting stage, we're talking about just over 3 weeks of interaction. He's only ever called me once in the 2 weeks he's had my phone number, preferring to text me only. When asked why he was still single and on Match, he answered that girls and friends call him difficult because of his need for independence and autonomy and that most girls can't handle it. He's an only child and has never lived in a house with roommates. I know he likes his personal time and space.

Now, I've read all the books...He's Just Not That Into You, two books from the Venus/Mars collection, and at least 3 other carbon copies of the former...but I can't figure out what's going on here?

Is he just "not that into me"? After a few months of using Match in 2 attempts (split up when he met girls the more conventional ways and dated them for no longer than 5 weeks), he closed his account the morning after our latest date...the same day he cancels on me. Do I read this as him thinking he's found someone worth dating regularly? Or as him giving up on this as a medium for finding eligible dates? He did mention prior that he would be closing it soon, so it didn't come as a surprise. Is him cancelling on me without rescheduling his gutless way of hoping I'll "get the hint"?

Or, is this the way normal and healthy relationships tend to progress? What's the protocol these days? Most examples I have of couples are those that met while in college, or those that developed something after a randomly hooking up at a bar/party. We haven't slept together, but he's seen me naked. I know it's not the "performance" itself that would push him away...maybe that I was willing to "perform" by date 4. Date 5 was great, I thought anyway. He was affectionate and exhibited PDA and all the signs that he's into me.

I don't know. I have no clue what's going on. My guy friends say that guys move sloooow and that it's way too early to expect more than he's given me. But my experience the last few years is that when a guy is into me, he's calling, making plans, and really trying to win me over. So what am I supposed to think about this situation?

Please help!! Thanks so much!!


Hi KR,

So, the most fascinating thing to the DW about Jersey Shore is the weird understood code of ethics among Snooki and the gang. They have very specific ideas about what's “classy”, what is acceptable in the proximity of a “female”, how much boob is properly displayed by a corset inspired club dress. And although the criteria for these judgments are utterly lost on the DW and the rest of civilization, they police everything from diet to hair gel usage and essentially the show becomes this strangely confining and puritanical dance of manners. You know, in between folks punching each other in the face and stuff.

Now, the DW isn't suggesting that the rules you want to learn will lead to a Groundhog Day cycle of Gym, Tan, Laundry. But the parallel universe of the Shore is a cautionary tale about what happens when you get too focused on games and rituals and rules instead of stepping outside The Situation, er, the situation, and being the one to say, “You know, today is the day I put my foot down and refuse to get sh&tfaced at Karma and troll for dudes on steroids.”

In other words, the DW's general position on How The Game Is Played is this. Who cares? You don't have time to be held down by The Man, dig? The current protocol for when to return a call or which number of dates before you go for under the shirt boob or whatever is arbitrary and changes all the time, anyway. Why turn romance into a to-do list? To-do lists are for stuff like scooping the cat litter and vacuuming the couch, not how to be funny on a date or deciding if it's time to be exclusive.

Make your own rules about whether or not you and the dude are being decent and fair. Is he being a nice dude? Is he acting the way you, KR, would act towards someone you liked and respected?

In those terms, this dude seems pretty okay, right? Emailing you every day on vacation with the dudes in Hawaii is good. 6 dates in 2 and a half weeks is a healthy amount. Dude plans ahead for you which shows consideration. It's a compatible pace right now with the Journey to the Center of No Pants. And hey, if a dude opens a Match account the day he cancels a date with you, that's when you get worried, not when he closes one. (Most women who write the DW have exactly the opposite problem.)

So the dude canceled a date. It happens. If only we were all informed about canceled dates with four days warning and a perfectly legitimate excuse what a wonderful world it would be. This ain't exactly Pauly D you're mixed up with right now, y'know?

Hey, maybe this works out long term, maybe he is a precious only child type and it doesn't. But this isn't the moment that is going to tell you one way or the other.

Deep breath, babycakes. It's been 6 dates. That's reeeeallly early. After six dates the Wifey still had her profile up and half the DW's friends had no idea he was seeing someone.

You'll go out again. Enjoy the date, judge by your own rules, take it from there.

the DW

(PS- Thanks for the nice words! No set plans for anything in print just yet, but the DW is certainly taking all offers for spreading the genius.)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dudefile #52 - What's Up With My Ex?

Dear Dude,

I'll try to keep it short.

Background: This guy and I broke up last about 8 months ago. I REALLY liked this guy, and the break-up was kind of a surprise. Needless to say part of me is still not over it, as much as I hate to admit it. I have since been in/am in another really good relationship, but this new guy is very different from my ex.

Well, by some weird series of events, my ex ended up at 2 separate parties that my roommate had, both of which I was not present for because I was either home or away with my current boyfriend. The ex said to my friend that I'd be "mad if I knew he was there" (which I'm not, just surprised) and that he "needed to have a talk with me."

I have not run into him yet, nor have we had a talk. It's been weeks. I can also ASSURE you that he is not into my roommate, so we can rule that out. However, I wanted to know what he had to say so I sent him a friendly text. He never responded. I know his number is the same. I know he still has my number. So what's up with ignoring me?

I know I should probably just let things happen, but what is going through this kid's head. I think it's really strange that he's been at my apartment (where he used to spend a lot of time!) yet I haven't been there, and he hasn't said a word to me about it. Is he waiting to talk in person? Does he just not care at all? I need a dude's opinion on this and you're the only one who really gives any kind of good advice.

Thanks dude!! Look forward to your response. Hope things are going well with you and yours.


Hi M,

Oh boy.

Well, the thing the DW has to tell you right off the bat is that dudes have no interest in “Talks” with exes. None. Zero. Ohf*cknoway. As you and your friends may have noticed over the years, dudes are often terrible enough having “Talks” with the chicks they're currently with. But exes? What's to be gained by that talk? When the DW goes to the dentist, all that drilling and scraping is at least to fix a cavity or make the ol' choppers look better or whatever. But a “Talk” with the ex is all drill, no reward. Kinda like watching The View.

Now, the above may sound cruel, but it really isn't. It's just practicality. If a dude perceives no reason for something, he has no interest. It's why the DW doesn't shave on Saturdays. Why on the blue planet Earth would he? In fact, you shouldn't even think of it as the ex dude “ignoring” you. Using the term ignore implies that not talking to you is not the normative state of affairs (if you pardon the intentional double negative). But that's exactly the state of affairs. You two just don't have lives that are intertwined anymore, that's all.

Now, as for the ex-dude saying that he thought you two should have a talk? Well, the DW would bet his favorite testicle that a whole lot of context is missing in the version of the story that made it to your ears. Not that your friend is lying or anything, the DW suspects she just didn't read the dude properly. Here's a guess at how it went down:

One- dude simply said something about how "[you] would be mad" about him being in the apartment as a way of acknowledging, or being a little self-effacing about, how it's, um, awkward! that he's back in this physical location that once upon a time was synonymous with being knee deep in your vagina. Dudes are territorial. He probably felt a little weird being on "your turf", even if that's not how you necessarily think of it.

Two- Then, in the course of a discussion with your friend, if any little thing came up about how you had been surprised about the breakup or how you still wondered what the f*ck he was thinking or how, yessir, it would indeed be hella uncomfortable if you two were in the same room this ex dude would feel compelled to say something like "yeah, we should have a talk" because it's the nice thing to say and about 912% easier to throw out there than trying to explain on the fly what the DW said above about how, frankly, your lives are none of each other's business anymore and there's nothing much left to say except "Fare thee well and best of luck in future endeavors."

Look, the DW is sorry for what happened to you. Getting blindsided by a breakup like that is a truly craptacular thing to go through and one that can take a heck of a lot more time to put behind you than the 8 months you've dealt with so far. But the fact is, you and dude are broken up now, everybody's moved on, and you even have a new boyfriend. Incidentally, anybody else see the problem that we're only getting around to mentioning Current Dude in the last paragraph? Rather than cluttering up your day with thoughts about what the ex is thinking or who he's boinking or anything like that, The DW would suggest you concern yourself more with what's going on in the head of the dude you're currently with. He's the one that should matter to you now.

Thanks for the well wishes. Here's to letting exes go.


the DW

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dudefile #51- Should I Have "The Talk"

Hi Dude!

I absolutely love your blog. I happened to come across it at a time when I am in need of some dude-ly advice. It's a bit of a long story, so I'll try to give you the shortest (but still accurate) version I can.

I have this guy. He and I have known each other for a long time and have been on-and-off "seeing each other" for about a year now. We had lost touch, but happened to meet up when I moved back to our city last summer and had some seriously amazing f*ckbuddy action. I was usually the catalyst for our meetings, though. He rarely called or texted, I usually was the one to be like "Hey... Let's get together..." And that's just how I thought it worked. He then ran off for a job working on a political campaign, and pretty much disappeared. I like to pride myself on being really good at such situations, the whole no-strings-attached-let's-just-have-fun-and-lots-of-sex thing, but this guy I just fell for. He's smart, cute, and really fun... Not to mention amazing in the bedroom. So, when this boy disappeared, I was pretty sad. There was no "Hey, I'm over it, let's not do this anymore", which I could have handled, it was just *poof* and gone.

All of a sudden, guess who shows up again this March: Yep, you guessed it, the boy. He was all "I shouldn't have treated you that way... It was a bit much for me, you seemed more into me than I was to you, but since I've been gone, I was seeing this other girl, and she treated me just like I treated you, and I realized what an a**hole I was, and you deserve SO much more because you're an amazing girl, and you deserve way better than me... You must hate me for what I did, but is there any way you'd give me another chance?" And being a nice girl, I did. It was rocky for a little while, but I made it clear that he was to work his booty off if he wanted anything from me, and he was pretty good about that, with a few hiccups. After the worst hiccup, I gave him a very VERY serious rundown of the rules he was to follow and now all of a sudden, it appears that I have "tamed the beast", as my lovely roommates have said.

The boy now calls or texts every day. He's super busy on another campaign, but he still makes the time to get in touch. We see each other every weekend, and I am taken out to very nice dinners (we're both huge foodies) and we still have that seriously amazing time in the bedroom. He holds me around my waist and kisses my forehead, even in public. He acts all boyfriend-y with me, and I am loving it. I even met the parents last weekend, and seemed to go over quite well with them. He continued to be touchy-feely, even in front of them.

So, get down to the point, right? Here's the question: What are we? Or what am I to him? I'm a bit hesitant to have "The Talk" with him because I don't want to scare him away again. I've been good about following my own rules and not over-texting him, and it seems to be working. He seeks me out now, not the other way around. I REALLY like this guy and would like to get him to commit to at least SOME level of exclusivity without a) scaring him away of b) ruining what we have.

He's taking me away next weekend for time at the beach, and I think that all of this attention and now a trip mean that he's got at least some intention of keeping me around. I know now that he responds well to rules and structure, but I don't at all want to have to enforce this, I want it to be something he wants just as much as I do. It seems like he does, but I'm afraid to ask. Help me, Dude!

Wanting More

Hi there WM,

Now before we get to your situation, the DW hopes you don't mind if he says a quick how do you do to all the readers who have been kind enough to politely and justly ask where the hell the DW's been. There's confusing dudes out here, dude! Come on! They're killin' me! Seriously!

Short answer is that the DW's been busy out in the real world trying to start a business and traveling and fun stuff like that. A big sloppy wet kiss of thanks to those of you who have patiently waited for new posts and, in some cases, even checked in to make sure the DW and the Wifey were okay. We're fine. Great, in fact. I'll be shooting for about a Dudefile a week from here on, with other stuff mixed in as I can. We'll see how that goes.

But enough of the past. Onward to the genius!

Now firstly, and as a bit of an aside, the DW would like to throw out a quick word of advice about saying stuff like “taming the beast”, or telling a dude “the rules he is to follow”, or even that you, as you put it, WM, “have” a guy. However much those things might be true and/or deserved, it would be wise not to ever ever ever use them when the dude is around. He will instantaneously prickle up, make a turd face, and say something crass to reassert to anyone present that he's nobody's p-whipped puppetboy, thank you very much.

Look, even the DW, somewhere deep down in his wildly potent brain, is aware he is undergoing a supertopsecret Subliminal Taming Through Cleanliness and Presentability training seminar from the Wifey on a daily basis, he just likes to be allowed to pretend to himself and his dude friends that it's not happening. It's the DW's own idea to have a shoes off policy in the house. All his, got it? Keep the possessive/training language to girl's night mojito-tinis chatter at Sparkle's and life with dudes will be smoother.

That said, let's get to your question. And for that, the DW would like you to make picture in your mind. You are holding a slice of bundt cake. It's decent cake. Maybe vanilla with some nuts or something. Now picture that four feet in front of you on a table is an entire enormous three foot thick bundt cake of your favorite flavor. Coconut! The whole giant cake is still warm from the oven, slathered with a positively lascivious chocolate sauce.

Here's the deal, though. The big fat gooey chocolate coconut cake is on this little three leg table that's teetering. You have a choice. 1) Keep your vanilla slice and watch the big cake topple and splatter. 2) Toss your slice aside and lunge with both hands to try to save the big delicious hunk of indulgence.

Anyway, you get what the DW's saying. Yes, in this analogy, the big toppling cake you try to catch might end up on the floor. And all up the front of your shirt. And all down the front of your pants. And then you've got nothing to eat and you look like kind of a dope until you get a change of clothes. But it's still worth the shot, right? I mean, come on! If all you want is a slice of vanilla bundt cake you can hit any coffee shop in the neighborhood. Whatevs, brah. Bo. Ring.

Which is, of course, to say- Just talk to the dude already!

Look, usually the DW is pretty skeptical of giving a disappearing dude a second chance, but this one, by your account, seems to be making a pretty good go at being an honest stick-around I Actually Am A Better Dude Due To Recent Experiences boyfriend type this time. Well, one way to find out for sure. Have The Talk. Because really one of two things is going to happen. One, you have a commitment from the dude. Two, dude balks and runs away again as is, apparently, still his M.O.

Either one is better than now, right? Even if he runs away, at least you find out his deal and you can get on with giving your time to a dude who can give you more of what you want. Yes, you're risking some sweet hot boning action and some good times. But moving up the seriousness ladder never comes without risk, so there's no way to completely hedge against maybe scaring him off or maybe finding out you've always and only been a hot tangle of sheet sweets in his dude brain. And anyways, if you weren't anxious about the current state of things you wouldn't be writing the DW anyway, right?

Just talk to him. Be honest. Be direct. He's only a dude.

Best of luck talkin' The Talk,
the DW