Dudefile #42 - The Bartender

Hi Dude Whisperer,

I am very confused.

I met this guy a few weeks ago at a bar--he was the bartender, I was a customer--and we really hit it off. He called me the next day, we hung out that weekend, and basically for about 10 days straight, I heard from him in some form every day, whether it was a phone call, a text message, or a face-to-face hangout. We hooked up casually, nothing too serious though. At one point, he even dropped the word "girlfriend," and I kind of gave him a look and he laughed and apologized.

The last time we hung out was Sunday--we had a really good time, I introduced him to a friend of mine and they really got along (I don't mean to imply that there was anything romantic or flirtatious between them--I really don't think that's the case), and everyone was having fun. That night he told me, "I really like being with you." We had a quasi-heart-to-heart during which I mentioned that my ex of 4 years lives nearby (no past relationships had been mentioned before); I also told him that I was considering leaving the city in a few months, but that I was still deciding.. He seemed slightly dismayed at this news. At the end of the night, he walked me to my apartment and kissed me goodnight.

It is now Friday, and no word from him. I called him once and texted him once this week, and no response to either one. I'm really fucking confused.

Care to shed any light on this?

K


Hi K,

You know, the DW is a big fan of words like "bartender" that at first glance seem literal, but are actually quite poetic. What is a bartender? One who tends to needs at a bar. Suggests a much more interesting story than if the word had ended up being "beerseller" or "drunkmaker", no? "Housewarming" is another good one. "Stationwagon".

That said, as a general rule the DW is not crazy about bartenders themselves. At least not when the bartenders are dudes and women ask if it's a good idea to date them. But that is a general bias and not the question you asked, so we shall leave the discussion as to where bartenders fall on the Bad Idea Jeans scale of potential main squeeze occupations for another day. (As a start- probably better than musician, worse than architect.)

Anyway, even though this guy seems like a classic Dr. NoCall jerkosaurus asshat sayanything stinkybutt, what the DW wonders about your situation right off the bat is this- Is it possible the dude thought you were the one giving him the weird vibe?

Here's what the DW is thinking.

First, the dude uses "girlfriend" and you give him a look and he has to back off. Like judging when to move in for a first smooch or debut that new naughty Cirque du Soleil inspired move in the sack, knowing when the drop the big GF is one of those things dudes really feel like they're sticking their neck out to do. It's awkward enough to reach for a boob too soon and get the Heisman. It's all the worse if the risk was emotional.

Second, who knows how the conversation about your ex sounded to him. Four years is a long time. The ex-dude is still nearby. Just as a situation it sounds pretty daunting for new dude. If you had any kind of lingering bitterness or longing or whatever in your voice you might have seriously veered into the land of boner repellent. Even without something in your voice, maybe dude is just wondering, "Why are we talking about her ex? Is this one of those hints women give that I know I'm supposed to get, but I don't get? That's usually not good, right? This is a bad hint, right?"

Third, the DW would not be interested in investing himself emotionally in someone who may or may not even live in the same city in four months. At. All. If she wanted to get it on for 120 days? Bring it. Let's do some f*ckin' that would make Prince blush. An emotional committed relationship, though? If you're maybe around in a few months? The DW would walk the other way and spare his heart the potential ache.

Look- it's possible the whole answer is absolutely as simple as Flakey F#cking Bartender Is Acting Like A Flaky F#cking Bartender. But it's also very possible you weren't giving this dude very much to work with.

Hope some light has been shed. May you enjoy your favorite drink from an excellent bartender very soon. Best,

the DW