Poll Results #189A

Bonjour sexy readers,

It's been a while, so let's take a look at the results for one of the latest polls....

Q. - Have you ever given naughty pictures of yourself to your significant other?

Yes! - 47%

No! -   53%

Well, bless your hearts you nudie models, you. The proportion of you who said yes to this question and the way in which boobie pics have become nearly commonplace with the kids these days kinda blows the DW's mind. You know, it wasn't too long ago a dude thought his girlfriend wearing a thong constituted some radical sexy sailin' the high seas of erotica experiment with lingerie. Now it seems like young dudes are confused if their 17 year old girlfriend isn't wearing a lace thong while taking a picture of herself blowing him. All of which, of course, fills the DW's giant genius brain with the following thoughts to the point of distraction.

1- Where the f*ck was all this nonsense when the DW was in college?

2- The DW is stone cold terrified to have kids.

3- Get the DW a walker because he sounds like an old f(cking man.

What the DW also wonders is what this means for the ladies. The benefit for the dude is pretty obvious. Naked pictures=good times. But what's in it for the fairer sex? Is this one of those things where everybody is all liberated and it's awesome and the DW should catch up with the times and move on? Or do the ladies feel like a "pictorial" is the kind of thing they have to do to lure the dude they desire? 

Also, for those of you who have sent or received sexy pictures, how widely do they travel? In other words, the DW would assume that any dude under say, 23, would show barea&sed pics of his girlfriend to pretty much all his friends. A 42 year old dude not so much unless he's a serious knucklehead. But what about the files? Do those get shared, too? 

As the wife would say, shaking her head- So many questions. So many questions. 

Work it, baby! Best,

The DW

Dudefile#45 - Another Confusing F#ckbuddy

Hi DW,

I just started reading your blog and I LOVE it. Also, you seem like the perfect man and your wife is super lucky (and I suspect that you are super lucky too because she sounds awesome as well).

Anyway, I digress.

I just read the Confusing Fuckbuddy post [DW NOTE: See Dudefile #18- The Confusing F#ckbuddy from May 4, 2008] and thought that that girl's situation was similar to mine, but different enough that it was worth writing in.

There is this guy, let's call him Jim. I went out with Jim a few times, mostly because he's completely different than anyone I've ever dated before (and dating those other guys wasn't getting me too far). I didn't really have that much in common with Jim, other than us both being nerds (he's a "real" science nerd, I'm a social science nerd) but we ended up having sex at some point because I pretty much always want to have sex. The sex was mindblowing (another one!) [DW NOTE: See A Note On Your Mindblowing Sex from October 3, 2008]. As in, I came the first time we had sex, I came before we ever even had sex (with my pants on!), and then I came several times while had sex. He was enjoying it too. Then one night he got kind of boyfriend cuddly with me and it was weird and I was not feeling it. I just sort of deflected him for a while. Full disclosure: I was looking for a boyfriend and I was hoping it would be him, but it just wasn't there.

I have found that blunt honesty works best with dudes. They really are fairly simple and don't think about shit as much as we do. So, I told him. I said, "Look Jim, obviously the sex is mindblowing, but I'm not really feeling this in any sort of girlfriend-boyfriend way." He said, "Well, that's great, because I don't want a girlfriend" (he had just gotten out of a serious relationship). So I say great, even though I don't know that I fully believe him, and we agree to just fuck.

We do that for a while, and the whole time I'm thinking that he likes me more than I like him, but he keeps his cool for the most part, aside from a few freak out moments that generally consisted of texts, emails, phone calls, facebook posts, all during the span of, say, a dinner with a friend. Then about three months ago, we are at a mutual friend's party (we didn't go together, we don't hang out other than eating a meal and having sex) and he was (unintentionally, according to him) cockblocking me by putting his hand on my back, pinching my ass, etc. etc. Unacceptable! So, I cut it off. Done!

This is getting long, sorry. Anyway, he just found out he's moving in less than two weeks, and I said, "Great, we should fuck as much as possible before then," explaining that it's good to have a finite end to things that doesn't leave one person angry or sad. He is apparently not listening because 20 minutes later he starts talking about me coming to visit him. Later that night, we have sex again, but I don't come! This is the first time that has happened with him! And I am forced to finally admit to myself that I don't like this dude AT ALL. And that he likes me more than he'll admit to.

So, I still have a week and a half left of promised sex that I now don't want to have. I don't really think it's fair to him to lead him on or whatever, even though I have been totally explicit about not wanting anything other than sex (which I now don't want anymore). And he keeps denying that he's into me for more reasons than my tits and ass. I don't really feel like I can say, "I don't believe you." So what do I say? The thought of a mercy fuck or five is totally depressing, but I kind of feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My instinct is to try to ignore him and then he'll move and it will be done, but he is a good dude and I don't like being a total bitch. How do I let him down easy?

--Damned if I do, damned if I don't

p.s. Yes, I recognize (in retrospect) that I should have never started boning this dude again. I made the rash decision in a moment of sleep deprivation + extreme horniness.

Hi there DiId,diId,

First of all, the DW would just like to say god bless you and your ability to come in your pants. I suspect "He was enjoying it too," was the understatement of the week given how this dude's been navigating his dinghy through Hurricane Climax. Don't you dare let anybody ever tell you to quit all this fuckin', okay? Seriously.

And now, in what will seem like the most abrupt transition in Dude Whisperer history, the DW would like to tell you about a meeting he endured this afternoon at work that was just about as far as you can possibly imagine from coming in your pants. In short, the DW was dropped into the middle of a project and was trying to catch up with this other dude, let's call him Wally Wanderfocus, about what his company is contracted to do and what they're not. Is this part of your scope? Is this?

Now, all the DW is looking for is yes or no so he can just figure out the situation, know what's up, and move the f*ck on accordingly. But this other dude keeps on giving these answers that start with all these weird business vagueries like he's trying to evade or justify or apologize for what was agreed to and signed a long time ago. "Given the nature of our current circumstances..." "That is something we could look into further..." "A little history behind that is..." Wally! Dude! It's 4 on a Friday! Just tell me where we're at and let's wrap this up and go to the A's game, brocephus!

And it's that idea of a contract that the DW is getting at for your situation, DiIddiid, because it is a kind of contract you've entered with this f&ckbuddy dude. In exchange for some come in your pants and presumably elsewhere of your choosing, you agree to serve up some sweet hot as& and put a few things in your mouth and nary shall there be the prospect of morphing into gf and bf, forever and ever, amen. The DW seriously applauds you for how up front and direct and simple you made this for the dude. There could not have been any mistaking of the terms, all was negotiated in good faith, etc etc. Let's get it on. Grade A "How To Deal With A Dude" kinda stuff.

So, just like there was no reason for Wally to tapdance around in a meeting about what was agreed upon, printed up and signed, there's no reason for you to tapdance around what you agreed upon with your dude, either. Dude knows he's violating your deal. Dudes are always looking for the rules, ways to keep things simple, wanting to know what's on then table or off the table- You've given him all this and he knows it. As far as the DW is concerned, you're absolutely free to cut off all this boyfriend nonsense. That's not being a b*tch, that's just sticking to what you agreed.

How do you let him down? Heave ho, baby doll. Don't you waste all that sweet lovin' on mercy f(cks. Just be honest and straight like you have been all along. Next time he brings up his move just say something like, "Dude, it's been real, but the f-buddy thing doesn't make sense now that you're moving. But hey, that's the great thing about juts f*ckin', right? No muss, no fuss like with a girlfriend. Okay, well good luck to ya!" Aaaaand, that's that. Be nice and stuff, but no need to fall all over yourself. He's a big boy. He'll be fine.

One quick note before we go, though, about the cockblocking. You gotta give the dude a break on that one. Even if he's in a strictly f&ckbuddy situation, a dude can't really be expected to stand by in the same room and do nothing while you work on setting up a bone with another dude. Deal or not, that just taps into too much primal dude horsecrap. Trust the DW on that one.

Oh, and the DW almost wrapped this up without thanking you for your kind words. Perfect man! Dang! That may be the slightest of overstatements, but you are still quite right that the wifey is a lucky gal. Just ask her who made the best strawberry rhubarb pie on the west coast last night just for no good reason other than it felt like time to eat pie. As it were.

Here's to sealing your next deal. Best,

the DW

Dudefile #42 - The Bartender (part two)

[DW NOTE: For part one of this excellent tale of loss and redemption, see Dudefile #42 a few posts earlier. The DW would link directly, but Blogger is more stubborn than the DW's 7 month old niece right now. (Link, damn you. Link!..)

Hi Dude,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. My good friend, who is a faithful DW reader and who initially directed me toward the shining beacon of your wisdom, suggested that I update you on my situation, as you are known to appreciate follow-ups. In sum, you were 100% right. Shocking, I'm sure.

Here's what happened: a few weeks after I got your response, I went back to the bar where bartender dude and I had originally met. I knew he would be working. I made sure I looked really pretty. Bartender dude sees me, kind of freezes, then comes over sheepishly.

We make small talk, I'm pretty friendly and joke-y and laid back, then I finally ask him what his deal is, and why he stopped calling me. He says that he thought he was way more into me than I was into him, that he thought he would just be some fling before I went flitting back to the east coast, that he figured it was a good idea to get out before he got any more emotionally invested, that it was all sort of emotional insurance. I quietly corrected him, ensured him that I had, in fact, liked him, told him I hoped he had a good evening, and left.

Three weeks later, he texts me, asking if we can hang out again, even though he "fucked it all up to high hell." I, stupidly or no, said yes. And now we're dating. It seems to be going pretty well, he's really sweet and clearly very very into me, although I do feel some implicit pressure to be uber-committed, since I had to convince him that he wasn't just some random dude I would dump when the spring came, but I'm trying to quell the pressure and keep him from getting too serious too fast, because that's clearly where his mind is headed.

Anyway, I'm having fun, and I like him, and I'm happy that I went back to the bar that night, and I would not have done it without your keen insight.

Rock on, friend.

K


Hi K,

See, now this is the kind of update that the DW seriously digs. It's got all the elements.

1- Confirmation of DW genius.
2- A situation in which a dude actually appears to be a normal decent human.
3- A happy ending.

Okay, so the happy ending isn't guaranteed, but the happy start is. Congrats on a dude who is really sweet and clearly very into you. You just made 87% of the DW's readers wish they had your situation.

Drink up!

the DW

(PS- Don't feel pressure! You didn't promise him the next sixty years of your life, babydoll, you just promised to take him seriously and act in good faith and that's all any dude can ask for. Be nice, give it an honest shot, see what happens next, y'know?)

Dudefile #44 - The Poet

hi dude,

ok here goes. awhile ago, i moved in with a dude. the dude and i were merely acquaintances. we hit it off right away. i was attracted to him before i moved in but really thought that i could get over it. of course i was wrong. our friendship started really casual. hanging out here and there, mostly at the apartment.

about a month in we were out and he started spouting all this stuff about how he has to really know a girl before he sleeps with her and all this other stuff. i bought it.. we ended up meeting up with a mutual acquaintance that he liked. however, he spent the night talking to me and flirting with me, but i could tell there were expectations from the other chick (he previously pursued her with random texts, poems, etc). so i left the bar to give them space. nothing happened between them until a couple weeks later, then he dropped her like it was nothing.

more time passed. we became fast friends, really comfortable. we went out with a group of friends he told me a girl asked if i was his girlfriend. i apologized for interfering with "his game" but he said it's no problem, that he could never just go home with girls anyways. at this point as roommates we stayed up late together a lot, just being in each others company. he told me he liked that i was awake when he got home from work. i liked waiting up for him.

eventually girls started coming over. anytime a girl he was interested in was over, instead of spending time with her he followed me around the apartment, he'd come into my room chat with me, give me all this attention. then goes back to pursue whoever and eventually end up screwing her.. all these girls were short lived. 3 weeks tops. he always wanted my company even when the random girls were over (to the point that sometimes he ambushed me, lied about what "friend" is coming over and it's whatever random girl). i made it clear that i didnt like being around for the pre-sexcapades. jealousy reared it's ugly head. i failed at the friend part there i suppose.

more time passes. lots of fun but confusing moments. neither of us makes the first move towards making anything physical. sexual tension had built but i have no confidence so i can never make the first move... or even in moments where i challenged myself to go for it, he'd disappoint me by bringing a new girl over or something. he went away for a weekend to hang with his closest dudes (all knew me well) - when he returned things were off- a little more tense.

still, any time we argued we could talk it out. it all lead to one moment when a new girl came over (i have known her forever, and never really liked her). the fact that i wouldnt hang out with her sparked an argument. we talked it out but nothing really was resolved and since then things havent been the same. it seems that the things left unsaid between us are still there- but may have ruined everything. i always fear losing the friendship.

i'm not sure what to do. i think i pushed him away when i was waiting for the right moment or never trusting him. i'm nervous that he'll discard me like the rest. i dont want to confess anything while he's still with his present girlfriend. but if they break up - do i give it time before i say anything?

thanks in advance for any input.
--
-not sure anymore

Hi there nsa, Well, you're right about one thing. This dude will absolutely discard you like all the rest. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but definitely some time- abruptly and without looking back. But to back up and answer your direct question, you don't really have to give it time before talking with this dude about gettin' it on or anything else. He's a pretty in the moment kinda fella it seems. Just lay it on him if you must. He'll roll with a conversation about your feelings or your hoo-hoo or organic produce or whatever. He's a roller. He rolls. That said, the DW would caution you - no, CAUTION you - no F*CKING CAUTION! you - about getting involved with this dude in any sort of romantic sense. The DW knows this guy. He really is nice. And sensitive. He'll get you a tissue and take your plate from the table to the sink. His poetry might not even completely totally suck. Maybe he has one of those scruffy beard the kids are wearing these days and he looks really adorable in skinny jeans and boat shoes. But here's the thing. He's not in love with you or any of these ladies and he's never going to be. Not that he's diabolical like a gelled-hair club dude -this dude does like you and really means all that nice bullsh&t he says. But, what this dude is really in love with is his own romanticism and being in love. That's why the parade of chicks. He's all romance. New feelings. New flirting. New sensations. His big poetic heart just wants to take in the whole big fat romantic world and give it a hot bowl of soup and a puppy. If you kiss him, you'll get poems, and soup, and a puppy. And then you'll get dropped like everyone else because time on earth is fleeting, man, and there's so much out there to love. Feel me, brah? Maybe it's time to consider a new apartment? Here's to being wary of Dr. Romance. Best, the DW

Online Dating Tip #6 - Don't Go To A Texas BBQ Expecting To Take Home A Vegan

(Speaking of vegan, check out the DW's new kicks. They're so swank the wifey is talking about getting a pair of her own even though that could take a lot of planning to avoid embarrassing matchy matchy problems since the DW only has, like, two other pairs of shoes.)

So, the other night DW and the wifey were sitting in a noodle shop near the Cal campus and at the next table over was a young fresh faced couple having an animated discussion about science versus religion. She was the pragmatic. He was the believer. "But science adapts. It gets better. It acknowledges past mistakes and gets smarter." "Tell me one way string theory is so smart it explains my existence more effectively than God." Etc. Etc.

Ah, youth. The DW sighed and recalled those long gone days when he was sure he could change someone's mind about their entire world view over Pad See Ew. Jesus to Darwin by dessert? Bring it on.

Nowadays the DW wouldn't have twelve bored seconds to talk someone into or out of their religion. Please. Believe what you want. Knock yourself out. We can even discuss that stuff in a show-and-tell kinda way and both learn a little something. But change your mind? As the skater kids on the DW's block say- whatevs, brah. Life is too short. (The kids also say- got a light, brah? but that's not as applicable.)

In online dating terms, this means that the DW encourages you not to engage unresolvable situations. Use the online dating profile for the incredible weeding tool it is. If you're an atheist, simply don't consider churchies. If you want a dude who's the life of the party, don't date a dude who says he's shy. If you want a dude to take home to mom, don't take on an Elvis impersonator. Unless, you know, your mom is super duper cool like that.

This seems simple, the DW knows, but judging from your mail it may be simpler in theory than practice. Look, smaller matters of taste are different. You can truly dislike football and learn to date a Raiders fan. You can, like the wifey, love New Order and learn to love a dude who is an avowed New Order hater. But things that get to a dude's core you're best to assume are somewhat static. A nerd will never stop imparting factoids, a politician will never stop shaking hands, a neat freak will never quit cleaning, a banker will never stop being an opportunistic as^hole. You don't have to read too far between the lines for this stuff. If you spot a dealbreaker in a dude's profile, don't try to talk yourself out of it just because you saw something else you did like. Sooner or later, the truth shakes out.

In other words, sure that fresh faced couple at the noodle shop probably went home and boned like caffeinated squirrels. Maybe it was even extra good and edgy naked sauciness because there was a little animosity just below the surface. But you know what? When the semester's over and they don't have classes together anymore because She declares a physics major and He's searching for a niche in faith based community service, that couple's toast.

Dudefile #43 - Everything Was Perfect Until...

Dear DW,

I'm confused, and hoping you can help me. 

My wonderful, amazing hot boyfriend and I got married and moved in together about a year ago. We had been dating less then a year, but were wildly in love, my parents love him, my friends all talked about how perfect we were together, his friends told me they had never seen him so happy, all seems fairy tale perfect, right? And it was! Except, now, it isn't, and I cant quite figure it all out. 

For a variety of reasons that I won't bore you with, we have both hit a difficult place in our careers, though I should mention that my career is going better than his. Anyway, cash has been tight (his salary got cut), and he has been working odd hours so we don't see each-other a lot. When we do, it seems one of us is ready to go out and the other is just exhausted. As a result, what was once a crazy awesome sex life had puttered away to almost nothing. Before we got married and shacked up, he gave me compliments constantly, left flowers and love notes in my apartment, we went out all the time, he basically made me feel like a gorgeous sex goddess that could do no wrong. Now, I feel like he criticizes me constantly, and is so sensitive to me criticizing him that some days I feel I'm walking on those notorious egg shells. Plus  he never, ever wants to go out anymore.

I also find myself getting annoyed with his domestic habits; when I had my own place, everything was just where I wanted it, towels were always hung on their towel hooks, my mail was right where I left it--you get the point. He leaves his stuff EVERYWHERE and try as I have to make our home feel like our home, you know, cute dishcloths in the kitchen, a well placed shelf in the bedroom, knick knacks lined up smartly on the mantle-I keep getting undone by cleaning up his messes--and yes, I totally get that most straight men couldn't give a damn whether a dish cloth is checked or flowered-but the fact remains that after a whole year living together I still feel like our place looks like a frat house and I hate it. Shouldn't the fact that I care about such things be enough to at least get him to fake it???

It's not as if this whole year has been bad, but when I think back I do feel like our troubles began when we shacked up and got married. In fact, we went away for Thanksgiving and stayed in the coziest hotel on the planet and had the most amazing time, sex every night, long walks every day, it was like a second honeymoon! Then we got back to our frat house--I mean apartment, and within two days slid back into our old patterns. I worry I'm just bad at the domestic thing, my ex-boyfriend and I had a perfectly lovely relationship until we moved in together and all went down hill.

Has cohabitation and matrimony killed our perfect relationship? 

DW, I need your help,

Thank you,

Un-Domestic Diva

Hi UnDD,

First of all, as reference, the DW would like to direct you to this classic bit of genius - Dudefile #22 -Will My Dude Ever Be Clean in which it is discussed how the wifey loves the DW even though a razor thin line of cleanliness separates him from a hobo. It is also worth noting that at the time of this current post the DW has in view one pair of underpants hung from a doorknob and three unwashed coffee mugs. And what looks like a peach pit. Or dried cat poo. Let's call it a peach pit.

The good news is this. You don't exactly find yourself in an unusual situation. Most couples who live together have the same Mount Rushmore of domestic disputes- Home life (Cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc.), Money, Family, Boning. The DW heard about a study a while back that concluded couples disagree with the same frequency, too. So, if couples disagree about the same stuff with the same frequency, what gives? Why do some couples sit on the same side of the table in restaurants and others insult each other on Wife Swap? It's all in how the disputes get resolved.  

So, what the DW is going to ask you to do is search for some middle ground with your dude. The good news about sloppy dude is that the way you describe him doesnt make him sound like a jerk or a troll or a wifebeater or a scamp. He's just a dude who does some typical slacker upkeep dude stuff. Trust the DW- you can handle that. 

First thing to do is this - take a deep breath and try to see the other side of this as best you can. The DW is not saying you give in to the dude's way completely, but he does admit to being suspicious about the accuracy of assessments like We Were Perfect Before But Now We're SOOO Shlumpy! You feel like the place is a dungheap, and with some reason. But the DW guarantees your dude is just as bummed about how he's supposed to keep the place clean enough to assemble superconductors, also with some reason. 

(Note: Pause here for a second. You have to really believe the DW that as much as Your Way and Your Level Of Neatness matters to you, The Dude's Way and The Dude's Level Of Neatness matters to him. If you don't think his POV has as much validity as yours, you can just stop reading and know your situation will not end well.)

Second thing? Just hang in there for a bit. The DW was a little more freaked than he thought he would be about having a woman in the house when the wifey moved in. It's weird to go from Your Stuff Your Way On Your Time to Sharing Frickin' Everything All Day Long. Some of the items that had the DW on edge were just territorial nonsense like where the towels got hung up or which sheets went on the bed- things that he didn't actually really give two s&its about and that just faded away after the initial general wigout. The DW's not saying you let yourself get worn down and accept a sh&tty situation, just that you give things long enough to settle and be clear in your mind about what matters to you and what is part of a general fog of whatthef*ckness about your new situation.

Third- make sure you're telling the dude what you're thinking. And as the DW is wont to say, be direct and specific. Dudes do not get hints. Look, the DW knows it's not satisfying to have your dude empty the dishwasher just because you asked, but here's the thing. Dudes learn cleanliness habits by rote, and only for you. Stephen Baldwin will win an Oscar before a dude will intuit, say, the right way to fold the guest towels. At a dudes very core he does not understand about candles or table runners or fabric softener or whatever it is you're thinking of. Communicate clearly and directly and a dude will do his best, he really will. 

A way to bring your cleanliness concerns up without seeming naggy is to ask if he's got some difficulties with the way the place is organized on his mind, too. You know, like how he feels trapped in house where he feels like he might as well wrap the couch in plastic since apparently he can't fart without you calling your girlfriends to complain about it. joke. Joke! Well, mostly. Just remember dude's seeing this from a whole other way around.

Basically, this is all just to say- here are the facts. You live with a dude now. This will not change. Does this mean you have to live in a frat house? No. But does it mean you can expect him to live in your previous perfect girly apartment? Also no.  Stand firm on some things you Have to Have, but be prepared to concede some things he Has To Have, too. 

There are lots of strategies for compromise and you'll find one. Right now, for instance, the living room and dining room at DW central are so clean and shiny the cats almost don't like to hang out in there. Bedroom? A little less so with some reading piles and some laundry. DW's office- total stereotypical hellhole man cave that smells a little like curry B.O. and shoe. Overall, the house is way cleaner than the DW would have if the place was His and way dumpier than the wifey would have the place was Hers, but it's a good equilibrium for Us. 

Look, you'll be fine. This has been a whirlwind and you're taking on a lot of things at once. Job weirdness, adjustment from dating to marriage, moving in together, tight cash, combining stuff, etc, etc. Sit down of a bowl of ice cream, have a friendly chat, take some time together to get some naughty sweaty buttsmackin' headboard rattlin' hanky panky back on the menu, and it'll work itself out. All that good stuff at the beginning wasn't a mirage, you're both just freakin' out a little right now.

Here's to settling in,

the DW 

Dudefile #42 - The Bartender

Hi Dude Whisperer,

I am very confused.

I met this guy a few weeks ago at a bar--he was the bartender, I was a customer--and we really hit it off. He called me the next day, we hung out that weekend, and basically for about 10 days straight, I heard from him in some form every day, whether it was a phone call, a text message, or a face-to-face hangout. We hooked up casually, nothing too serious though. At one point, he even dropped the word "girlfriend," and I kind of gave him a look and he laughed and apologized.

The last time we hung out was Sunday--we had a really good time, I introduced him to a friend of mine and they really got along (I don't mean to imply that there was anything romantic or flirtatious between them--I really don't think that's the case), and everyone was having fun. That night he told me, "I really like being with you." We had a quasi-heart-to-heart during which I mentioned that my ex of 4 years lives nearby (no past relationships had been mentioned before); I also told him that I was considering leaving the city in a few months, but that I was still deciding.. He seemed slightly dismayed at this news. At the end of the night, he walked me to my apartment and kissed me goodnight.

It is now Friday, and no word from him. I called him once and texted him once this week, and no response to either one. I'm really fucking confused.

Care to shed any light on this?

K


Hi K,

You know, the DW is a big fan of words like "bartender" that at first glance seem literal, but are actually quite poetic. What is a bartender? One who tends to needs at a bar. Suggests a much more interesting story than if the word had ended up being "beerseller" or "drunkmaker", no? "Housewarming" is another good one. "Stationwagon".

That said, as a general rule the DW is not crazy about bartenders themselves. At least not when the bartenders are dudes and women ask if it's a good idea to date them. But that is a general bias and not the question you asked, so we shall leave the discussion as to where bartenders fall on the Bad Idea Jeans scale of potential main squeeze occupations for another day. (As a start- probably better than musician, worse than architect.)

Anyway, even though this guy seems like a classic Dr. NoCall jerkosaurus asshat sayanything stinkybutt, what the DW wonders about your situation right off the bat is this- Is it possible the dude thought you were the one giving him the weird vibe?

Here's what the DW is thinking.

First, the dude uses "girlfriend" and you give him a look and he has to back off. Like judging when to move in for a first smooch or debut that new naughty Cirque du Soleil inspired move in the sack, knowing when the drop the big GF is one of those things dudes really feel like they're sticking their neck out to do. It's awkward enough to reach for a boob too soon and get the Heisman. It's all the worse if the risk was emotional.

Second, who knows how the conversation about your ex sounded to him. Four years is a long time. The ex-dude is still nearby. Just as a situation it sounds pretty daunting for new dude. If you had any kind of lingering bitterness or longing or whatever in your voice you might have seriously veered into the land of boner repellent. Even without something in your voice, maybe dude is just wondering, "Why are we talking about her ex? Is this one of those hints women give that I know I'm supposed to get, but I don't get? That's usually not good, right? This is a bad hint, right?"

Third, the DW would not be interested in investing himself emotionally in someone who may or may not even live in the same city in four months. At. All. If she wanted to get it on for 120 days? Bring it. Let's do some f*ckin' that would make Prince blush. An emotional committed relationship, though? If you're maybe around in a few months? The DW would walk the other way and spare his heart the potential ache.

Look- it's possible the whole answer is absolutely as simple as Flakey F#cking Bartender Is Acting Like A Flaky F#cking Bartender. But it's also very possible you weren't giving this dude very much to work with.

Hope some light has been shed. May you enjoy your favorite drink from an excellent bartender very soon. Best,

the DW

Dudefile # 41 - I Offered Him Some Dirty Pictures

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Okay,  this is a little embarassing but okay… so I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. And he went out of town. Well I offered him some dirty pictures to get him thru the trip but he declined my offer. He is a little bit older than me(33) so I just put it off on his age. But there is a part of me that is offended. I know that his ex wife was better looking than me...but...I dont know. Should I be offended or is this in my head? 

What do you think?

Offended(?)

Hi O(?),

First of all, the DW would just like to extend you a mental high five for breaking down the Naughty Picture Barrier all on your own like that. Dudes across the world, at this very moment, are hinting super-subtly or ‘joking’ about this stuff and keeping it on the safe periphery with their special ladyfriends because, right or wrong, they perceive it as a treacherous topic. If dudes thought they could just come out and say, “Hey, maybe tonight we could take a bunch of pictures of you naked. And, you know, horny lookin,’” they would just come out and say it. 

It’s kinda like anything during sex that involves your anus. Dudes are gonna really roam the perimeter, ‘accidentally’ get real close, gauge reaction, lather, rinse, repeat, and then finally make some totally clumsy maneuver one night when they’re finally drunk enough. 

Anyway, yeah. Normally a dude would not only totally take you up on the pictures, but ask if you took requests. “How ‘bout one like this? Okay, now lift this over here and put that like this and…”

That said, don’t be offended. For two reasons. 

First, while it’s true that on this blog the DW is over and over addressing situations where his advice could be summed up as, “Duh. Drop this dungsack of a dude. Now,” he does also like to remind his readers from time to time that there are, in fact, plenty of modest, shy, decent, thoughtful dudes out there.  Really. It’s true. Now, is this dude necessarily one or all of these things? No. But if a dude was to make a list of Pros and Cons about accepting your boobie pics, there isn’t much to put in Con except some kind of moral objection. And in that case his nature is offended by the naughty picture part not the you part, if that makes sense.  Nothing for you to be concerned about unless you simply can’t handle a dude so square. 

Second, as you suspect, dude’s age might be an issue. 33 means he’s just old enough that MySpace and Facebook and everybody having a blog is a little foreign to him. He may not have had regular email access until he was 18 or 20 (which, the DW realizes, to his younger readers makes this dude sound Paelolithic. What else did he use? Rotary phones? Tape decks? Um, actually, he might have...). 

Anyways, people maybe just 5 years younger than him might have a totally different idea of how much of their lives it is normal to have exposed to others. It's simply not as natural for a 33 or a 38 or a 42 year old dude to take a picture at a club and email it to half his friends from the cab on the way home. He might have way fewer pictures than a 22 year old dude posted on his online dating profile. He might wonder why in the hell someone would feel the need to Twitter about their current doings and whereabouts.  You get the idea. So, you extend this different idea about, er, exposure, and it could seem a little odd or overly loaded with significance to get nudie pictures (that could be easily posted to the internet or sent to her mother, for god's sake!) from a girl you've been seeing for a couple weeks. 

Best of luck working this saucy picture thing out to everyone’s satisfaction. Remember, too, you can just always ask the dude for an explanation. This certainly qualifies as uncommon enough that dude shouldn’t be surprised at a little confusion on your part.

Best,

the DW