Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dudefile #49 - It Doesn't Fit

Dear Dude,
I checked it out your blog and you chart in at bonafide awesome. Feel free to unsheath your expertise to annihilate my dilemma:

Ex-boyfried, "Brian" and I dated for a quick 2ish months sometime last year. We were big on eachother; cute in that rather myopic youth-driven romance kind of way though we never had sex. I was holding off because it's always been painful and Brian's umm, well-well endowed.

Though he initiated the breakup, it was amicable and, afterwards, and after other ex-girlfriends passed, we'd still get together, spend the night, and do pg-13 make-out sessions. When I moved away, I thought it'd be done between us. I tried to call him before I left but it was clear there was someone in the picture.

Several months ago, I recieved a voicemail from him asking me how I was doing, shit like that. I called him back and a nascent romance bloomed, via phone, where he'd gush about how much he loved me. I traveled to our home town to visit him for an extended weekend which was bad news as we got on eachother's nerves and ended things in terse, non-communicative terms. Personality-clash if you will. Also, and this is a biggie...I asked him to sleep with me and well, he didn't exactly 'fit' which sorta made him shut down emotionally.

Our last rendez-vous was the most confusing and this is where I need your help, DW. We planned to hang out in the afternoon. I made it clear--through limited physical contatct that I wasn't interested in anything pseudo-sexual (even though I am--I was just saving face.) After some time, Brian starts to make little physical, flirtatious gestures that, while I'm perfectly down with, seems to contradict his non-responsiveness of our last encounter. We do some 'platonic' (clothes on) cuddling but, because I'm horny, I start to umm, explore his body.

He's into it, touching and all that good stuff then he stops himself, says, "No, no, I can't do this..." (By all accounts, that is, personally relayed, he is single.) I'm trying my best to defer his anxieties as his internal conflict oscillates back and forth and eventually I'm successful. He starts to get back into it with an emphatic "Fuck it" and tears off my clothes. At this point I'm begging him to fuck me. Honestly, what sort of guy doesn't want that?

So here we are, H&H, and again, he won't fit-or at least, I think he won't fit. We tried, DW, seriously! Like last time, Brian totally shuts down, quickly puts all his clothes back on, gives me mine, won't even look at me, and pretty much ushers me out as quickly as possible. At this point, Brian's in manic mode--fumbling about the room, he can barely articulate a coherent sentence. I ask him to tell me what's wrong and he says, "I don't want to talk about it." I asked him if it's because he no longer has the hots for me and he says "no." but really, dude, what am I to expect when this kid won't have sex with me? Maybe society has taught me incorrectly, but I thought dudes always want sex and here I am ready to give it to him on a fucking silver platter, essentially no strings attached.

My question is, what the fuck is Brian's problem? I know he's had several partners and he told me himself that for him, sex isn't a big deal. Do dudes suffer some immense ego blow if they can't fit inside a girl? Does blue-balling lead to depression or manic emotional outbursts? As I was leaving he told me he didn't want to try anything (physical) because he "knew this would happen." Clearly, he was the one who initiated physical contact but I let the argument rest. At this point, it's not about getting that one chance to sleep with Brian, it's answering why he acts so distant, and well, honestly, crazy when we can't complete the performance itself. Is it some psychobiological thing? Can too much work make the pee-pee flaccid and turn dudes into some headless chicken (both literal and figurative, mind you) of a monster? Or am I missing the point entirely and the issue, at heart is one of (gasp!) emotional content?
-Fit the Facts

Hi there FtF,

So, apropos of nothing, the DW would like to offer one final comment about his dislike for the Wolverine movie because the wifey still thinks he's being way too judgmental about it. And actually, it's a comment not so much about Wolverine, but about The Hangover. The DW hasn't seen The Hangover yet, but the trailer has made him laugh aloud about a dozen times already. Clearly this is the fault of his balls. It's not that it's even that clever looking, it just hits every dumb dude joke zone. Solidly. And the DW laughs in spite of the more sophisticated parts of his brain. So, perhaps the DW needs to lay off Wolverine and just chalk it up to one of those films women like because they're women and you just can't consider it a reflection on their taste any more than you can hold a love of Fletch or Old School against a dude. It's the People Magazine of movies, basically.

But enough about that, Let's talk about this dude and his serious hogleg.

First of all, let the DW just say bless you for taking on this dude's elephant dong. The DW knows it can take some impressive resolve and some teeth gritting to make That fit into That sometimes. Which is why way more dudes than women want to explore the Magical Land of Unicorns and B&ttsex. And you have retained some concern for the dude, too, which can't be easy to keep in mind when it feels like he's trying to get you to give birth in reverse. But, it truly is a pain, albeit not quite as literally, for a dude to always be sorta going half speed or stopping early or amusing himself on the sidelines or however it works out that you resolve the gargantuan square peg in a round hole issue. Just some top shelf work you're doing over there.

Second of all, it's important to understand that you really haven't done anything wrong here. Look, you may have noticed there are some Dudefiles where the DW is sorta politely suggesting something like, “Duh. Dude left because A) he's a spectacular as^hole and B) you're clearly just as insane.” This is not one of those times. Maybe the DW could offer that this whole petting/sending stayaway signals/sometimes hot hooking up/stop stop stop go!/etc pattern is enough to short-circuit a poor dude's brain, but whatever. That's for another time.

Because here's the thing. A lot of your instincts are dead on. There is not a straight dude on the planet who doesn't want to hear you beg him to f&ck you. (Did the DW already say bless you?) And yes, dude is all over the no-strings pokey-pokey like the DW on pecan pie. So tasty! More please! The part that's weird is his reaction when his dingaling wouldn't fit in the hoo-hoo. Sure. At a moment like that there is grave disappointment for the dude. Maybe a brief period of recessionary deflation. Perhaps some questioning of the existence of a higher power. But does a dude shut down and put the clothes back on? Uh, not on the life of your sweet naked titties. Plan A doesn't work you go to Plan B, by god. And if enough of that gorilla log won't fit on your mouth you figure out Plan C. Then you try D. The original creative thinking of a dude trying to catch a nut is really just about the only thing the DW can think of that gets into the Stoner Trying to Accomplish Highness level of ingenuity.

So, no. This is not a normal dude reaction. You haven't done anything weird. Sexy and awesome, yes. Weird, no. A guess from the genius of the DW about this dude shutting down is that he's just really very self conscious about that canoe paddle he calls a d*ck because he's starting to wonder if he's ever in his life gonna get to have a full-on no holds barred hair pullin name callin nasty sweaty thumpadump session like the good lord intended (and like he's seen in a hundred youporn videos). Or, you know, if he's doomed to splitting the women he cares about in half like dry firewood. In his head, The Truly Prodigious C^ck just represents a lifetime of stops and starts and negotiations and slow head shakes and non-stop pains in the a&s. Something along those lines.

And this is really too bad and a little ironic. Most dudes are way too occupied with the size of their wieners for opposite reasons, which explains why the DW has to hear radio ads for “male enhancement” creams and boner meds at two in the afternoon on a Saturday during Giants broadcasts. And most of those dudes, even if they had the biggest widest Texas armadillo of a member in the world, wouldn't reduce it one centimeter to make it easier on their partner because so much dude ego junk gets caught up in their, er, junk.

Anyway, the DW is sympathetic to the plight of Mr. Tripod, but this rush to the clothes and ushering of you out the door sh#t is kinda f$cked up. The DW is never a fan of when people get so absorbed in their own precious problems that they forget how to treat other people with basic civility and fairness. In this moment, you could say that the dude lost his composure and acted like an enormous dick.

Hey, you're fine, baby doll. May your next dude have a dingdong exactly the size you like.


the DW