Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dudefile # 41 - I Offered Him Some Dirty Pictures

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Okay,  this is a little embarassing but okay… so I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. And he went out of town. Well I offered him some dirty pictures to get him thru the trip but he declined my offer. He is a little bit older than me(33) so I just put it off on his age. But there is a part of me that is offended. I know that his ex wife was better looking than me...but...I dont know. Should I be offended or is this in my head? 

What do you think?


Hi O(?),

First of all, the DW would just like to extend you a mental high five for breaking down the Naughty Picture Barrier all on your own like that. Dudes across the world, at this very moment, are hinting super-subtly or ‘joking’ about this stuff and keeping it on the safe periphery with their special ladyfriends because, right or wrong, they perceive it as a treacherous topic. If dudes thought they could just come out and say, “Hey, maybe tonight we could take a bunch of pictures of you naked. And, you know, horny lookin,’” they would just come out and say it. 

It’s kinda like anything during sex that involves your anus. Dudes are gonna really roam the perimeter, ‘accidentally’ get real close, gauge reaction, lather, rinse, repeat, and then finally make some totally clumsy maneuver one night when they’re finally drunk enough. 

Anyway, yeah. Normally a dude would not only totally take you up on the pictures, but ask if you took requests. “How ‘bout one like this? Okay, now lift this over here and put that like this and…”

That said, don’t be offended. For two reasons. 

First, while it’s true that on this blog the DW is over and over addressing situations where his advice could be summed up as, “Duh. Drop this dungsack of a dude. Now,” he does also like to remind his readers from time to time that there are, in fact, plenty of modest, shy, decent, thoughtful dudes out there.  Really. It’s true. Now, is this dude necessarily one or all of these things? No. But if a dude was to make a list of Pros and Cons about accepting your boobie pics, there isn’t much to put in Con except some kind of moral objection. And in that case his nature is offended by the naughty picture part not the you part, if that makes sense.  Nothing for you to be concerned about unless you simply can’t handle a dude so square. 

Second, as you suspect, dude’s age might be an issue. 33 means he’s just old enough that MySpace and Facebook and everybody having a blog is a little foreign to him. He may not have had regular email access until he was 18 or 20 (which, the DW realizes, to his younger readers makes this dude sound Paelolithic. What else did he use? Rotary phones? Tape decks? Um, actually, he might have...). 

Anyways, people maybe just 5 years younger than him might have a totally different idea of how much of their lives it is normal to have exposed to others. It's simply not as natural for a 33 or a 38 or a 42 year old dude to take a picture at a club and email it to half his friends from the cab on the way home. He might have way fewer pictures than a 22 year old dude posted on his online dating profile. He might wonder why in the hell someone would feel the need to Twitter about their current doings and whereabouts.  You get the idea. So, you extend this different idea about, er, exposure, and it could seem a little odd or overly loaded with significance to get nudie pictures (that could be easily posted to the internet or sent to her mother, for god's sake!) from a girl you've been seeing for a couple weeks. 

Best of luck working this saucy picture thing out to everyone’s satisfaction. Remember, too, you can just always ask the dude for an explanation. This certainly qualifies as uncommon enough that dude shouldn’t be surprised at a little confusion on your part.


the DW

Saturday, January 10, 2009

A Note on Odds and Ends...And OMD Lyrics

Dearest Readers,

Happy January 10th! A couple quick odds and ends. Then, an anecdote about a very emotional band and their lyrics.

First- The DW, as of this morning, is caught up on his very sexy mail. So, if you have not received a response to your question and you hit Send more recently than the last two hours, the DW has not purposefully ignored you, he has simply accidentally deleted your email via his crappy Yahoo! spam filter. If you have a moment to re-send, the DW will get you to the top of the line.

Second- Don't forget that if you want to pimp your blog on The Dude Whisperer, just send in an address and up the link goes. It's that easy! 

Third- Note the brand new shiny About the Site and About Privacy notes over to your left. Sorry to get all lawyerly on your a^s, but there was some confusion recently about a post regarding what should or should not have been changed/omitted for privacy purposes in a reader's question before putting it up on ye olde interwebs. It was an easy misunderstanding to fix and and all that, but the DW thought it was probably a sign that the terms of this site should be a little more explicit and right up top. So there it is.

And now for a quick story...

When the wifey was in 6th grade, she and her friend decided that the young dude the friend had been "going with" needed to be, in the wifey's words, "Sent a message." It is unclear, these many years later, what the young dude did, if anything, to deserve a "message", but the wifey and her friend debated and fussed over what to say for quite some time. This was important stuff. Just the right words had to be chosen. The perfect tone. The perfect imagery. The young dude needed to be made to understand.

Below is what the young dude got after class, handwritten on a piece of notebook paper.

Talk to me, dont lie to me
Save your breath
Dont look at me, dont smile at me
Just close your eyes

I was so impressed by you
I was running blind
I would fall for every trick
Every twist of mind

Heaven is cold
Without any soul
Its hard to believe
I was so in love with you

Dont say your prayers, dont build your hopes
Just walk away
Dont phone me up, dont call around
Dont waste your time

You were so in awe of me
You were so divine
You would do just anything
To still be mine

Heaven is cold
Without any soul
Its hard to believe
I was so in love with you

All the things you said to me
I was so upset
You were always talking talking
God I did my best

Heaven is cold
Without any soul
Its hard to believe
I was so in love with you

That's right. The lyrics from Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark's "So In Love". Perfect, right? Message sent!

Or so they thought. Instead, the young dude looked at the paper, turned it over, looked at it again, and, unsatisfyingly unilluminated, said, "What the hell is this?" 

And so it is with the dudes. As always, it is important to remember that, as much as you would like them to, they don't speak OMD. 

Another Dudefile soon.


the DW

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dude of the Week! (#12)

One of the ways the DW and the wifey knew pretty early that it was gonna work out was when their First Weekend Away Together took them down the 99 to have a chili dog in a refurbished airplane in Tulare. Slogan? "Home of the Famous Flying Weiner." And thus a committed romantic relationship was born. Good times.

In that same spirit, the DW and the wifey would like to introduce Edmundo Rombeiro, this week's not quite weekly Dude of the Week, Aero Dog Edition. Mr. Rombeiro, for 17 years running, has been decorating his house (in Novato, CA) for Christmas in an ever increasingly utterly bananas and awesome fashion. According to what looks to be the official website, this year there are over 75,000 lights. The December 2008 power bill was 3,000 dollars.

What truly sparates the Rombeiro Christmas House from other excessive decorator locations, though, is that you get to go inside. Just about every room in the house is stuffed with holiday figurines and trains and animatronic Santas and the like, all mixed in with the not strictly seasonal family photos and couches and religious items. And then at the end of the tour, Edmundo gives you a candy cane, as if you've ever done anything for him besides come gawking through his living room at 930 p.m. on a Tuesday wondering how much seeing a painting of an extremely bloody Jesus next to 78 miniature reindeer, three spinning light wheels, and fourteen fake Christmas trees would freak you out if you were high.

In case you were wondering- Yes, Edmundo's wife is on board with this whole thing.

Well done, Edmundo Rombeiro, Dude of the Week, for spreading holiday cheer like a motherf&cker. We'll be back next year for sure.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Dudefile# 40 - I'm Kind of a "Zen" Dater

Hi DW,

I hope you had a nice break, but there's no rest for the awesome. See what you got yourself into? We can't live without you now.

I am just about ready to throw in the towel. For the past two years every guy I've dated has fallen into one of two categories. A) Tries to get in my pants ASAP or B) Wants a relationship ASAP, i.e. is acting all jealous and calling me pet names by the end of the first date, practically picking out china patterns (I should send these guys to the reader who wrote in wanting the insta-commitment).

I'm kind of a "Zen" dater, as in I don't have a list, I don't have an agenda. When I meet someone for the first time I try to keep an open mind. WTF happened to being interested in getting to know someone as a person? I'm not sleeping with any of them so we can't blame it on that.

I feel like dudes are mentally going through their particular "list" and seeing if I fit into it. If I don’t fit the list, they want to bone me and move on. At least that is dude behavior I can understand.

If I
do fit the list of what they're looking for I am immediately the person for them, never mind we've known each other for four hours and they know nothing of substance about me. I don't understand this one--it's creepy and it makes me want to run clear through the nearest wall. I feel like I could be anyone and they wouldn't care, they would be acting the exact same way. What self-respecting person would have a relationship under those circumstances?? Are some dudes so desperate to keep from being alone that they do this? Are a lot of dudes like this or am I just meeting the wrong ones? I feel the need to smack them over the head with my personality so they can get a clue that I am more than a means to an end for their loneliness.

Just once I'd like to meet a dude who actually listens to what I say and remembers stupid things like my favorite color or flower, or that I cry at Pixar and Disney movies. I don't think I'm asking for too much, am I?

Frustratedly yours,

I'm A Person Dammit

Hi Dammit,

So let’s say that it’s a warm, clear Northern California day and a friend calls the DW and says, “Let’s go on a hike.” The DW will answer, “To what?” If the point of the hike is to get a pancake breakfast at the West Point Inn, the DW is already tying his shoes and stretching his tawny jungle cat thighs. If the point of the hike is just to wander around some hillside for ‘some fresh air’, the DW will probably make up some excuse about his bunions or whatever and find another way to enjoy the sunshine.

This is not to say that the DW is super type A or anything. He likes to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood to take pictures and find new Mexican pastry joints. And he can watch the f^ck out of a football game on the couch just like the next dude. But he does like there to be some purpose to what he’s doing, even if the purpose is to, well, watch a stupid football game on the couch. A lot of dudes are like this. Dudes like to have a purpose to things.

What this means is that a lot of your problem stems from the fact that dudes tend to look at dating quite differently than you do. “Zen dating”, to someone who wants to know the purpose of things, may well sound just as annoying as this rush to Pants Or Relationship stuff does to you. Not sayin’ one is more right than the other, just sayin’.

In other words, if a dude asks you out he has a reason. Wanting to mouth massage your delectable boobies is a reason. Desiring a relationship is a reason. Hangin’ out for the hell of it is not a reason.

When the DW was still on the market he was never so in a rush as these dudes you describe. Any dude who wants to marry you after one date has issues to be wary of and you are right to feel a little creeped out by such a dude. Still, the DW will say that he was never interested in dating for the hell of it, either. Dating three women at a time casually seemed like more of a pain in the a%s than anything else. Why would the DW want to go out and do a bunch of date stuff and chat and pick up the check and all the rest of it without either a little humpity-hump or a committed relationship to look forward to? If he just wanted to hang out, he’d call up a dude friend and scalp bleacher seats for a Giants game.

As for your other question- No, you're not asking too much to want a dude to remember your favorite color or flower or whatever. But understand that the only reason a dude remembers items like those is because he is doing it for you. The DW couldn't tell you the favorite color of one dude friend he has, even the ones that go back 20 years. These are not things dudes value all that much. So, if you want a dude to remember things like that and honor your way of thinking you're gonna get a lot further if you make a little effort to understand dude things in return. Right now it doesn't seem like you're assuming there is a middle ground in which you and a dude should meet. Your focus seems to be more on converting a dude to where you are.

May you find some patience and Zen about the non-Zen ways of the dude. Best,

the DW

Thursday, January 1, 2009

A Note on 2009

Dearest sexy readers,

Happy New Year! The DW is glad to be back with you for 2009. Thanks for hanging in there for what turned out to be an extended holiday break visiting multiple family units way over there on the east coast. Knitting, baking, Shaker village visiting, fridge cleaning, Ale-8 drinking, slot machine playing, sweet sweet love making- it was a trip that had a little bit of everything. Hope all of you had just as good a time celebrating whatever it is you choose to celebrate this time of year. 

Things on the site should get back up and rolling to their normal speed in the next couple days. The DW is aiming to (finally) get caught up on your mail, too. In the meantime, try to squeeze another day out of the Clean House marathon or whatever for your entertainment fix. Your patience, as ever, is appreciated.

More soon,

The DW