Dear Dude Whisperer,
Okay so here’s what’s up. Drop me some dude knowledge on this situation. Okay so it’s not really a situation, it’s me. I’m obsessed with moving to fast. Listen if you put a homeless and mildly attractive man and an extremely sexy guy who clearly is never moving in with me until an appropriate amount of time and increasing levels of intimacy have passed, guess who I’m picking?
So my question to you, DW, is this - where do I find such a man? Listen I know I just said a minute ago that I would date a homeless guy but actually I was joking for the sake of example. Not that I haven’t dated a homeless man (they operate under the guise of traveling punks in some circuits - charming right?).
How does this insta commitment come to fruition? I have consulted 2 non whispering friends on the subject and they each have given me an option. 1. Single dads. I mean technically yes, they would totally move to fast. But for all the wrong reasons. I really need more gusto, more of a beers in the shower kind of guy, not someone who’s down to take me to soccer practice. 2. Faking a tragedy early on in the relationship which has rendered you with no place to live. This has worked for my friend in every relationship, but I just don’t think I’d be very good at this kind of lying. However if you feel this is most appropriate, please provide examples of believable lies which will get the goods.
Tell me what to do.
Mostly just interested in getting it on
Hi there Mjiigio,
Look, lying is for the weak and the small minded. Shame on you and your fake-o nonwhisperer friend for even suggesting such a thing. But, um, if you do lie? The fake tragedy angle is so 2004, just like those silly poncho things everybody thought was the sh*t for six long dark months until someone finally said, “You know what? That thing is an a^s looking horse blanket with a hole in it.” Just say Sex and the City is worse than eating rhino poo and your favorite pastime is dealing out professional-grade oral magic while hanging upside down from your living room stripper pole during televised sporting events. That should do it.
Your other faux whisperer, though, is getting more to reality by suggesting Single Dads. The DW would also throw in Virgins and Those With Extreme Phobias. Perhaps also adding The Jockey Sized and Wide-Eyed Ex-Cons. Basically, any dude that’s wounded in some way. Not necessarily literally The Wounded (although that might work fine, too) but wounded in the sense of having what is traditionally considered a dating impediment. Poach from the dudes who are the most ignored and unnoticed. The Easily Angered. The Smelly. The Jack Johnson Enthusiasts. They’ll be the most grateful for your attention and grip like a baby monkey right off the bat the way you want.
But wait, you say. If Single Dads might move too fast for the wrong reasons, doesn’t that mean these other dudes will, too? You betcha. The wounded are gonna be a misguided mess of desperation and self-doubt. But that’s the choice you have to make. Insta-commitment or solid dude. They’re essentially mutually exclusive. You might ride a talking unicorn to Atlantis before a “beer in the shower dude” suggests you move in together after two dates.
And while we’re here, what’s up with wanting a beer in the shower dude, anyway? Aside from loving that you used the word gusto, the DW senses trouble when women describe these types of swashbuckling scenarios. Sure a beer in the shower sounds fun for Spring Break in Destin or whatever, but that’s what you want in your long term dude? Really? Think long and hard about what that Schlitz in the soap dish will look like in six months. A year. Ten years. It’s not going anywhere.
Maybe what the DW is suggesting is to prioritize your needs in a dude. Figure out what you must have and what you can live without. Unless you’re the DW’s wife, you can’t have everything in your dude. And holy moly, tap on the brakes a little. Relax. What you want might take a little time.
Best of luck sensibly going for the gusto,