Monday, December 15, 2008
So, some of you who are old enough might remember how there were a couple years in the mid-90s when it seemed like Eric Stoltz was in every movie made. Take a look at the stretch on his imdb page that starts with Pulp Fiction and Ends with Anaconda. Pretty solid run for a That Guy who's now settling for Battlestar Galactica prequel spinoffs.
Anyway, the DW was thinking about Mr. Stoltz the other day and decided that this weeks not quite weekly DOW, Eric Stoltz Edition goes to... James Franco, the guy who in 2021 we'll look back on and say, "Dang he had a good run for a That Guy". "Wait, that was him in Spider Man?" "Whoa, he was Sean Penn's boyfriend in Milk? Oh, sh&t, you remember Pineapple Express? Him and Seth Rogen is, like, the 2008 That Guy duo of all-time!"
Seriously, though, good for you James Franco, you alarmingly good looking dude, you, for, like Eric Stoltz before you, embracing your couple years of overload good fortune to make films that are at least a little off kilter and interesting instead of going straight to Diane Lane flicks about dog parks and Tuscany or whatever. Take it from John Cusack- that sh^t will always be there later if you get hard up. Well done, Dude of the Week. Keep up the fine intentions.
...In other news, the DW Googled "Dude of the Week" the other day and it turns out the DOW is a fairly popular concept. A sampling of non-DW DOW's are below...
- Ugly Dude of The Weekon thebleacherreport.com
- Hot Dude of the Week, Jon, on pinkisthenewblog.com
- Cool Dude of the Week, Buckminster Fuller, on myrtlebeachdude.com
- and, if you want to give yourself a headache, check this one out. Seriously, these clowns eventually get to a DOW, but you've been warned about the annoyingness which may or may not be worth the rubbernecking value.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
To the Dudiest of Dudes,
Here's my dude question. I started dating this dj/musician dude a while back and we seemed to have a lot of basic stuff in common. We went to shows together, I cooked him dinner, he cooked me dinner. We met each other's friends. All fairly normal dating material.
However, I noticed pretty quickly that he was really bad at communicating, even for a dude. Like, even basic things like returning a phone call. Really bad. It got to the point where a ten word text felt like the State of the Union from this dude. That being said, that still didn't really deter us from hanging out and having a great time together.
THEN he went on the road playing in a friend's band for a few weeks and all of a sudden, I just stopped hearing from him.
Okay, so...I get the message. It's over and I'm not interested in trying to get him back. But come on. I'm owed at least some kind of explanation, right? Some kind of "Sorry," or "I'm too busy," or something, even if it's lame. This is a grown dude we're talking about here. Old enough to know better.
So my question is this. Should I say something or should I just leave it alone?
~Never date DJs or drummers
Dudiest of dudes! Hell yeah!
Yipes. Sorry to hear you got That Stereotypical Musician Dude. Bad times. The DW is seriously tempted to let this devolve into a rant about how much he thinks The DJ is the most overrated and ridiculous phenomenon of our time because those folks are so often self-important wankers who don't realize that it's not actually that special to play a bunch of records drunk people like to hear when they're dancing in a horrible club, but he is bigger than that and will resist the temptation.
So, should you say something?
Look, it depends on what your purpose is. If the idea of saying something is to make yourself feel better, go nuts. The DW is of the opinion that any spiel you feel like throwing at this dipsh^t is deserved. You'd be hard pressed to go overboard, frankly. The DW has no patience with the Fade To Silence approach this dude has borrowed from the end of some boinky Euro dance track and tacked onto your relationship whether it's from a dj dude, a sorority girl, a boss, a cop, or Santa Claus. Knock yourself out. The Fade is a no balls move.
If your purpose is to make the dude feel bad, though. Well, save your breath. The thing that might actually get through to That Stereotypical Musician Dude is to move on so utterly that it's like it doesn't even matter he disappeared. If you rant, he's just gonna find a way to turn that into You So Crazy No Wonder I Broke Up With You and make up some revisionist history that absolves himself of guilt. Then he'll go pick up some choice vinyl, smoke a bowl, and use the story about how you freaked out on him to drum up sympathy from the next chick he tries to pick up. You feel me, brah?
As with anything, there are exceptions to rules. The most honest dude the DW knows is a singer and guitar player. And, it's true he was actually at a DJ friend's birthday party two days ago. And she's superawesome. But for now, maybe play the odds and stay away from the dudes with instruments.
Here's to a non-DJ d&ck in your near future. Best,
Thursday, December 4, 2008
How do you know if he's lying? I've been known to be a human lie detector, and I can almost always just tell. So I suspect he is not telling me something but of course I'm not going to accost him with "I JUST HAVE A FEELING!" (Or accost him at all. I don’t know what he's lying about, but red flags go up when he's MIA for hours and then says he was taking a nap. Maybe he WAS napping. That's reasonable. But for some reason I'm skeptical.) What are the tell tale signs something's going on that he's keeping from you?
First of all, HLD, the DW hopes your holiday was good and that nobody lied to you about naps or anything else. May there be pie and joy in your holidays to come, and may you not accost any dudes and bum them out.
So. Lying. To answer the general question - there is no foolproof way to tell if a dude is spinning a yarn. Of course, the odds he’s lying increase approximately 972,006 times if he’s trying to get in your pants (6 billion times if he’s trying to get in your pants for The First Time), but you already knew that. Please, tell me all of you already knew that.
Maybe he lies to get out of the house, to watch football, to cheat on you. Maybe he doesn’t lie at all. But here’s the thing. You’re not gonna figure out if he’s lying just from the words that come out of his mouth. A dude lying to get into your thongity thong thong thong might actually momentarily Believe his own line of sh%t just because he wants that sugary muffin goodness of yours so badly. A dude with a boner can say “Yeah, baby. I think it would be great to move in together and buy some floral print sheets,” with a straight face and Sean Penn sincerity. And that can be dangerous for everybody involved.
So here’s your strategy. Pay attention to how the dude behaves, not what he says. Talk, talk, talk, whatever. Blah, blah, words. Dudes value actions about 423 trillion times more than words and have a much harder time lying with their outward behaviors. When the actions and the words don't match up, something's amiss. "I love you," from a dude's mouth is, in many respects, just a sound his mouth made. Like “Sham-poo” or “Fahrvergnügen”. If he doesn't Act like “I love you,” get worried.
Two final brief thoughts. You're right to never accost a dude with, "I just have a feeling." That will give him an instant headache and he will revolt against the next ten ideas you have, no matter what they are. Don't do it. He will “just have a feeling” you’re being a pain in the ass and nothing good will come of it.
The other is- pick your battles. Getting back to your dude specifically, let's suppose he is stretching the truth about napping. But for what purpose? If you think he's using “naptime” to lustily bone half the block, that's one thing. But if you think maybe he just wants to be left alone for awhile, seriously consider letting it slide. The DW came home from a rather un-awesome day at work the other day and as much as he loves the wifey, all he wanted to do was sit still for half an hour and stare at the wall and silently do absolutely nothing. Had nothing to do with her. The DW just needed a minute to have a brain nap and a few deep breaths. If the wifey hadn’t read him perfectly and given him some space, he might well have made up some kind of “I need to check my email” kind of excuse/lie to be in the other room for a minute.
Look, the DW is not saying it's okay for the dude to lie all the time, or for you to lie all the time- just make sure you're not going looking for things to be suspicious about. Maybe when you think you can “just tell”, as you put it, take a minute to examine the facts and behaviors and significance of the situation as closely as your instincts.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Just wanted to give you, sexy readers, a heads up that the DW will be unable to post until December 3rd or so. He and the wifey are moving and then heading straight out of town for a week. That means, unfortunately, that you will be genius-less for a week and a half. Apologies especially to those who are awaiting long overdue email responses.
In the meantime, enjoy reading some old posts, keep an eye out for DW twitterings, and keep writing in with questions, links, comments, etc.
May there be lots of football and pie and couch in your end of November. Or, you know, stuff you like as much as the DW likes football and pie and couch.
Monday, November 17, 2008
It’s a double Poll weekend! Not to be confused with a double pole weekend, which, of course, is in the past and there’s really no good to be found in describing to your current dude. Let’s get right to it. Thanks, as always for voting…
What’s the longest you’ve been able to maintain an “Arrangement”?
Uh, about six hours. 28%
A few weeks 28%
A few months. 20%
More than a year. 20%
Dude. Like, forever. 4%
What was interesting to the DW about this one was the number of arrangements that made it “A few months” or longer. 44%! That’s a lotta no-strings ballin’, yo! Dang!
True, only 4% of all that free love makes it “Like, forever,” so it’s not all fun and games. But, by many statistics, less than half of marriages work “Like, forever”, so make of that what you will.
As we’ve discussed in The Arrangement, The Arrangement (part two), and The Arrangement (part three), bootycalls can be a pretty fun thing if everyone involved is on board with the nature of the agreement. Over time, though, things can get blurry, or boring, or weird, and it’s time to Un-Arrange.
Incidentally, there will be an exciting conclusion to the The Arrangement series at some point in the future. So stay tuned.
On a totally different note, the DW just got called “Boss” while getting a cup of coffee. As in, “That all for you, Boss?”
Here’s a poll-style breakdown of how often the DW gets called dudely nicknames while purchasing coffee, gas, or other corner shop type items.
Hoss (south only) 2%
All this Bossness cuts across socioeconomic, racial, and age lines. The DW’s brother gets called Chief way more often, the wifey’s brother gets a ton more Bro, but dudes of all shapes and sizes call the DW Boss.
There really isn’t an overarching point to this. Although, if you ever feel the urge to call the DW "Boss", that would be acceptable.
Another Dudefile soon. Best,
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The last sex you had was ___ ?
Dude! Mindblowing! 12%
Pretty dang good! 27%
Eh, average. 27%
Worse than sitting through “Dan in Real Life”. 10%
What gave impetus to this question was A Note On Your Mindblowing Sex, in which the DW mused about the high proportion of his readers who seemed to be having their socks blown off like Yosemite Sam’s hat every time they hopped in the sack with their dude. Great Horny Toads!
In reality, though, your last sex was much more bell curve-ish. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Such is life. Seriously, though, “Dan in Real Life” people- the DW feels for you. He would rather be held down and have Cher bare-as#ed fart on his face than watch six minutes of that movie ever again.
What was revealing (to the DW, anyway) about A Note On Your Hotness was how the comments indicated that women weren’t so different than dudes in the degree to which they would be willing to keep someone around for a good roll in the hay. Not that the DW ever assumed that some serious Grade A Prime F*cking wasn’t important to the ladies, but he did always assume dudes were worse about overvaluing such things. Actually, they probably are worse. But, it would seem, not way worse. Which means it shouldn’t be so mysterious to women why a dude keeps calling when he doesn’t seem to pay much attention to you outside ye olde boudoir, right?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Dear Dude Whisperer,
I'm a dude, and I'd like some help understanding myself. At the beginning of this year, I met a wonderful woman. She's brilliant, stunning, energetic, cultured, and thoughtful. She's crazy about me, and I can easily see myself spending years with her. But, I'm deeply uncomfortable about one thing about her: she's hooked up with a lot of people.
We've had roughly the same amount of sexual experience, but most of mine has come in the context of several long relationships. I've fooled around with a handful of people whom I liked a lot (without anticipating anything serious arising), but for me physical intimacy (of any kind) is most rewarding when it's partly an expression of affection, to the extent that the "hook-up culture" doesn't have very much appeal for me. Yet it did for her.
Sex with this woman is incredibly fun – the best that I've ever had. Everything that she's said suggests that she's satisfied, too. But I wonder whether it's as meaningful for her as it is for me. She's done many of the same things with people that she didn't like very much (or didn't know), meaning that the fact that she gives herself to me isn't that significant. And I want to be with a woman who regards her sexuality like I do my own – as something relatively special. In addition, I wonder whether the urges that impelled her to seek out casual involvement will, in time, make it harder for her to be loyal to me. If sexual satisfaction was so important to her that she would seek it from people that meant little to her, how will she respond to the inevitable lulls in attraction that arise during a long relationship?
Even though my attitude toward hooking up is dramatically different than most of the views that your readers (and you) have expressed, I've been consistently impressed with your advice and I hope that your thoughts will help me. I've talked about my feelings with my girlfriend on a couple of occasions, and she's emphasized that the past is the past and that her feelings for me are different. But, without very much experience hooking up (and, honestly, little desire to try it), I've struggled to understand and/or accept what she's said. The differences between our positions and pasts haven't interfered with our sex life, but I worry that I won't be able to feel as comfortable with her as everything else about our relationship suggests I should.
Here's hoping that you can help a dude as much as you've helped a bunch of "dudettes."
– Old-Fashioned Dude
Hi there OFD,
Okay, so this is excellent to have a question from a dude. And the DW is particularly glad that you are an upstanding young lad. If the site’s first question from a dude had gone something like “Hey, DW! What up brah! How can I get my GF to open her mind and try a threesome with this super hot stripper my cousin met last week in Reno?” that would have been seriously unfortunate. It seems horrifying enough to women to have everyday vanilla dude stuff spelled out frankly without heading into that kind of total animal territory. Seriously, once or twice a month the wifey looks up from The Dude Whisperer and says, "I mean, really?"
Anyway, if things don't work out with your current girlfriend, half the DW's audience is probably dying for your number, you nice guy, you.
As for your question, the DW thinks what's going on is pretty typical. Everybody, dude or dudette, has to get used to the fact that their other's life was full and rich and complicated and otherwise complete before they turned up. Some folks take this totally in stride because they're either extremely self-assured or utterly daft and incurious. Some folks never ever get over their own insecurities and freak out that the main squeeze’s high school sweetheart is gonna turn up any day now and sweep said squeeze away to the south of France so they spend their whole lives jealous and jittery and irritable.
You seem kinda in a normal middle ground. And the sex thing seems to be a particularly predictably dude thing to pin your uneasiness on and refer to when thinking of your need to feel special or better or the first or most important. Women (or at least the DW is basing this on trying to put himself in the wifey's shoes- remember, the DW knows nothing about women) are much more jealous of previous relationship experiences like traveling across Africa or learning to make Christmas cookies together. Dudes just can't handle the thought of other wieners interacting with their special relationship ladyfriends and will obsess over possible previous placement of balls and would usually just rather not hear about any of those pre-Me underpants adventures. But if we do hear about any of that stuff, they’d like to be told that the sex was boooo-riiing to the point it deserved heckling, the dude was clumsy as a drunken miner, and the penis was the size of a 4d nail.
Here's some advice about how to change your dude thinking to make this all a little easier.
First thing is regarding this part of your note-
"She's done many of the same things with people that she didn't like very much (or didn't know), meaning that the fact that she gives herself to me isn't that significant."
Not so! It is significant. It means something for her to trust you with the gift of her delicious velvety vagina whether you’re the first visitor to that wonderful land or the ninth or the seventy-eighth. Okay, maybe a little less if you’re the seventy-eighth, but you see where we’re going here, right? The mistake dudes make, the DW included, is thinking that the boning itself is the most significant part of your intimacy. If you were to ask the wifey what the most important part of an afternoon in bed with the DW was, she would probably completely leave out his revolutionary sexual techniques and her mind-altering orgasms and tell you instead about how easily she and the DW talk, hang out, and just be together. That's what sets the DW apart from the other dudes she's been with- all that relationship stuff and wonderful ease of being with the right person that dudes tend to gloss over. The enormous c*ck is just a bonus.
The other thing is to remember that what you've got is exactly what will carry you through your "inevitable lulls in attraction". Because you have more than physical attraction! You have you, the dude she actually likes for more than a fling! As above, the physical part is only an element of what makes someone desirable and all that. Otherwise there's no way in hell our parents would still be f#cking each other.
Look, it seems like everything else seems to be going fine with this gal. Just stay open and up front with her about stuff and you'll be fine. She's probably got her own insecurties, too. Hell, she may well be paranoid you think she's a total leg spreadin' ho-bag or something. Keep talking and it'll all work out.
Remember, your member is only a part of what she likes about you.
Two brief odds and ends notes:
One- Here’s a follow up to the DOW #10. Interview with Cheeseburger Dude.
Two- The DW understands that you, dear readers, are antsy about the slow posting the last couple weeks. He’s been stripping paint and housepainting and other manly pursuits in preparation for moving this weekend. Bad news- that cuts into his genius writing time. Good news- he’s starting to get seriously ripped. Hang in there this month as the DW finishes moving, takes a trip for Thanksgiving, and does his best to keep up a good pace.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
And really, the DOW should go to Obama, but the DW figures he’s probably got his hands full enough with selecting a transition team and whatnot to take on the speaking engagements and media attention that come with Dude Whisperer accolades. So, instead the DOW this time is presented to a dude who may not have erased any racial boundaries or sent a sense of elation across the planet, but did manage to say, “Yes I CAN!” to a fifteen pound cheeseburger.
That’s right Brad Sciullo, you are Dude of the Week for taking down the Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser, the burger that, with toppings including a cup of mayonnaise and a bun the size of a flotation device, weighs in at 20.2 pounds.
For better or worse, for a bar bet or sheer glory, it doesn’t get much more dudelike than eating an obscene amount of processed meat for no good reason other than, as Mr. Sciullo put it, “I wanted to see if I could.”
Oh, you could all right, dude. And for that, the DW salutes you.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Three years ago, I was having sex. Uhhh that wasn't the last time I had sex, but something happened during sex that made the occasion memorable. and not in a good way. Here's the situation. I had been in a monogamous relationship with this dude for three years prior. Ever since we got together, he urged me to get a dildo, but I didn't want one, so I said no I don't want one. He said he'd like to eventually get one for us, because it was a fantasy of his to use a dildo on me. So I eventually got one. And sometimes I'd bring it out when we were having sex, or use it myself when he was away on a business trip. The very last time I brought it out for the dude to use on me was three years ago. We were both really into it, and having a great time, and the dude pulls the dildo out of me and lifts it up to mouth level and opens wide, like he is about to perform oral sex on my dildo. Just as he is closing his eyes, I am yelling No! and he drops the dildo and looks really embarrassed and said he forgot what he was doing.
I didn't break up with him until much later, but that scene haunts me. Is that normal? I have no idea what is normal. Do dudes suck dildos or have dildo fetishes? All I could think afterwards was, He's gay. I never mentioned this incident again in our relationship, which shows you what a dysfunctional, uncommunicative relationship it was, but I did ask him after we broke up if he has sex with men. He stuttered and stammered and said No, why would you ask that? I said, No reason...
Unless someone says, I'm Gay, there really isn't a litmus test or anything, right?
Okay, so first of all, you should know that this is the wifey's favorite email in quite some time. I mean, this one was the topic of so much speculation around here you would hardly believe it. A week afterwards we'd just be on the train and she would look at me and say, out of nowhere, "Do you think that dildo guy is sucking a real cock right now?" For what it's worth, the first thing the wifey said when she read over the DW's shoulder was, "So gay." So, there was at least one person on board with your theory. At least on first read.
The DW, though, isn't so sure there's anything quite so intriguing here as a dude emerging from the closet to go all Republican Congressman on your ass. Or anyone else’s ass for that matter. Look, is it possible the dude is gay? Sure. Possible he's bi? Of course. There will probably be commenters on this post who haven't been so sure of something in their lives. But the DW thinks this was just run of the mill naughty stuff gone awry.
The main basis for this assumption is simple. You didn't mention anything about the sex or the dude before or after The Dildo Incident that was gay-ish. Granted, who can say what the hell ‘gay-ish’ is supposed to mean, anyway, but the DW does find it revealing that you didn’t have any sort of “AHA!” moments looking back after the fact. Kaiser Soze’s big gay story didn’t exactly snap into place for you, y’know? You weren’t like, “Oooooh right. The show tunes. The fancy socks. His best pal Chaz from Pilates… Dangit! I was so blind!” The only fantasy of the dude's you mentioned was using a dildo on you. And that's pretty standard straight dude fare.
The DW, as he was reading your story, was reminded of a moment in his own life. When the DW and the wifey first started getting serious they went to get tested at a local free clinic. One question they asked the DW in the little We Need To Ask A Couple Things To Get An Idea If You’re On Smack Or Nailin’ Goats Or Something talk was something like, "In the last year have you inserted a toy into her, and then into you, and then back into her, and then in your mouth, and then-" Honestly, the DW doesn't remember the whole sordid and intricate sequence because he pretty much tuned out after the part that meant he would have had a dildo up his a*s. Just not his thing.
But the point is this- that question at the clinic was testament to the fact that people dig different stuff when it comes to different things being put different places. Some women like to taste their own hoo-hoo off a dude's weiner. Some dudes like to have their own spoo spit back into their own mouths from the mouth whence they came. Pick a combination of mouth, object, and body part, somebody's way into it. Frankly, the DW thinks it's just as likely this dude was getting off on licking the thing that he'd twisted into your sweet sweet p*ssy as he was finally, after years of secrecy, revealing his love for sweet sweet dick. In the moment, he may have just thought you were scolding him for being gross or unsanitary or something and not a thought in the world of another mans balls ever went through his head. He may have been horribly, horribly confused later on about what the f&ck you meant by that mansex question. Jesus, is she telling other chicks I'm gay? Is she trying to tell me my f$ckskills are so lame the only logical explanation is gayness? What is happening?
Look, imagine any time you were getting it on. The last time, just to make it easy. Now imagine getting pulled out of the moment quickly and unexpectedly and alarmingly. You would probably look at least a little silly. As would we all. When we're gettin' down we're doing things we don't do anywhere else, saying things we don't normally say, and trusting someone else like you don't normally trust. This is just to say that this was probably at least as jarring to the dude as it was to you.
In the end, though, you are right that there is no litmus test. You know, other than liking or not liking a penis in your mouth. And you're also right that it speaks volumes about your relationship that you could wonder something about a 3 year boyfriend that's as impactful to your relationship as Is He Gay and not get around to really talking it out with him.
Anyway, the DW thinks the dude is Straight and Scared Supersh^tless to Ask Current Girlfriend Anything Remotely The F&CK About Dildos. And even after an initial So Gay, the wifey has now come around to This Dude Is To Dildo What Bill Clinton Is To Cigar. Maybe don't bring it up with this dude again, though. Just let him either move on with his life as a straight dude or ease out into the open at his own pace.
Here's to your next dude not freaking you out, or you freaking him out,
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Thanks to everyone for participating in yet another extremely scientific Dude Whisperer Poll. And don't let John Zogby give you all that plus or minus 4% margin of error polling is an inexact science nonsense. This sh^t is 100% on the nose. Here's what you said...
Is a dude's bad fashion a dealbreaker for you?
Only if it's, like, smooth jazz bad. 62%
Wait, so about a quarter of women would just look at your mock turtleneck ass and walk away? Sounds about right, actually.
And another 60 percent would walk away if you had on a Bill Cosby sweater? Actually, that sounds about right, too.
So, you were expecting the DW to be horrified by these results? Not so much. Look, the DW isn’t exactly a label whore. He can’t tell an alarmingly expensive pair of dark blue jeans from something off the rack at the Gap. He has no idea any more if his Chuck Taylors are cool again or passé again. He shops for clothes only slightly more often than he rotates his tires. Which is never.
But here’s the thing. If a dude dresses so particularly that his style isn’t just a little inept or sloppy or unhip, but his style is something you would outright call ‘smooth jazz bad’, it really does ask a woman to make some assumptions about him. For instance, take this look. The DW thinks it’s fair to walk away if white boy dreads aren’t your thing. After all, he believes it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, “Where there are white boy dreads, there will be white boy dread behaviors and ideas.” Simple as that.
Dudes, is a woman's bad fashion a dealbreaker for you?
Um, there is no fashion if you're naked? 38%
Just in case there was any doubt, this poll again reinforces the idea that dudes don’t really care that much about what you wear unless it involves a dramatic change in the amount of visible side boob .
Dress for each other, by all means, sexy ladies. But know that what most dudes learn to notice they are learning by rote. And chances are there are only two reasons they mention anything about your clothes or accessories. 1) They are in a relationship with you and have learned that noticing your new earrings makes you happy 2) They would like to touch your bare bouncy boobs and saying “Dang, that is a sweet blouse!” is the kind of thing they have learned will keep you at the bar for another drink.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Hey Dude Whisperer,
I have these 2 guy friends- let’s call them M and N. We were in college together. We knew another guy ...let's call him D.
M, N and I have talked about this and always agreed that D is a big douche-bag (he is a pig, a sexist, impolite and generally has no sense of propriety, among other things). I hang out with M and N often. Problem is, they insist on inviting D along at least 1 out of every 5 times. I have come close to punching the guy in the face at least 2 times in the past 3 years that I have known him (not literally.... but you get the point).
Anyways, getting to the point....when M and N clearly do not like D why do they insist on hanging out with him? (and consequently indirectly force me to hangout with him as well) This is something that I have seen to various degrees with all dude friends of mine. As a woman, I can say that, if I don’t like another person the most I would do is say a hello when I see him/her on the street but would never actually invite that person out for an evening to hangout with my other friends.
I don’t get it,
PS: It is not such a big problem for me per se (I can hold my own) and when I get really fed up with the guy I just walk away. Also M and N make sure they give me a heads up when D will be joining us. But I am just curious since I do not understand this behavior.
Hi there NZ,
You know, the day you sent this question the DW got an email from a friend we’ll call S who had been out on the town with a third dude we’ll call P. S described P as follows, “He was funny ten years ago, and now he's just an imminent arrest.” Does S hang out with P real often these days? Not so much. But is he going to drop P as a friend? Um, no to that, too.
And over the years the DW has done the same thing. He’s maintained long friendships with dudes who have done the following- attempted to tackle pizza a delivery dude, thrown up on the escalator at ESPN Zone in Baltimore, sh*t their pants on purpose, participated in Guaranteed Yack Night, and serially grossed out every woman the DW knew. Okay, so actually, the DW thought a lot of that stuff was pretty awesome at the time, but you get the idea. It’s really only in the last couple years that the DW has found himself without that embarrassing D in his life of which you speak.
So why do dudes do this? How does it come to pass that one regular dude insists on hanging out with a douchebag? The DW will walk you through the process.
The first thing to know is that dudes don’t talk that much. They Do Things together. So, it’s not too difficult to be friends with a dude on a casual level and simply Do Something like stand around a grill of ribs in someone’s backyard or whatever. You don’t actually cover much detail about your life this way like women do when they get together and chat and chat and chat and presumably share all kinds of intimate thoughts and feelings. (This is what women do, right? At any rate, this is what dudes assume you do.) Anyway, not knowing much about a dude can make it easy to be friends, but also easy to make a bad initial judgement about a friend. Even a douche can seem pretty okay if all you know about him is that his TV is way better for watching the Niners game than yours.
So, step one is that maybe D comes along to a barbeque with a dude friend. Now you’ve Done Something together. Maybe next time D is part of a group that goes to the new Marky Mark action movie. Now you’ve Done Something together a couple times.
Step two is that eventually there will come a time when you Do Something with D and the mutual friend dude that introduced you to D is not around. Now, you’re pretty much dude friends.
And here’s where things can start to snowball. Dudes don’t actually have to Do Something together that often to stay friends. In fact, one of the great things about dude friends is that they require so little maintenance. It’s not like your girlfriend who will expect you to tell her a week beforehand that you’re excited that her birthday is coming up, then celebrate her birthday with her at a bar and help her find dudes to smooch while she’s getting drunk, then give her a present even though she told you specifically not to but would secretly hate you if you didn’t get her something, then a week later tell her on at least three occasions how great her birthday was and how excited about her birthday you were. The DW has no idea what any of his friends’ birthdays are. He has friends that go back twenty years with whom he might go six months without any meaningful contact. Easy, peasy.
What this means, though, is that if you become casual friends with D you can see him, say, once every couple months here and there, and so it might not be til you’ve known him for six months that he seems like a douche. But, since you don’t have to see him every day or talk that much, you can forget about what a douche he is before the next time you see him. Or, at the very least, he doesn’t seem like enough of a douche that it’s worth the effort of confronting him about it or avoiding him. Do this a couple times and the next thing you know, you’ve been friends with D for three years!
And here's the thing about that. Once you've been friends with a dude for three years, you can't just drop him. Dudes have weird loyalty issues. You have some history with D that should mean something. You cut him some slack. You stick up for him. You put up with him being totally embarrassing, even.
The final step is when that loyalty just turns over into stubbornness. Once you’ve been friends with a dude and stuck your neck out for him, well, it would just feel dumb to drop him now. Think GW never being able to admit that
This is M and N's anatomy of a D friend in a nutshell. The DW eventually reached a point in his life where he dropped the D's. Maybe your friends will, too. Until they're ready, though, at least they're giving you the heads up about when the D will be around.
Hope this makes sense. Or, rather, the DW knows it makes no sense, but does it suffice as an explanation?
PS- The DW just realized that the whole thing about dudes Doing Things together is incredibly homoerotic. Seriously, it’s totally worth a re-read thinking Abercrombie and Fitch ad thoughts. Doing things! Doing things with lots of dudes! Oh,my! The DW even worked the termsnowball in there. Good times.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Hey there, sexy readers,
Below is a question from the DW’s inbox that was directed not only to him but to you. It should be noted that what you see below was edited down by the DW, so as to keep things at a reasonable length for a post. So, if anything should strike you odd about the style or tone or anything, give the questioner a break and assume it was the DW hacking things up a bit.
And now without further ado…
Dear Dude Whisperer,
A Question for you that you can also direct to your readers.
Aside from the Declaration of Hotness and the Declaration of Mad Sack Skills, I notice a lot of your readers have a propensity for casual encounters. I get the fact that people need to fit getting off into their busy schedules, that everyone is horny at some point or another, and I'm certainly not here to thump Bibles or point fingers. My question is not "how dare you?" or "don't you know better?" but a simple, open-ended "why?"
The answer may seem obvious -that fabulous sex everyone is apparently having all over the place, no strings, no worries, etc. But it's not quite that obvious when "arrangements" seem to require all this mental preparation, all these rules, all this worrying about sticking to the rules, all this amateur mind-reading, and, to me, all this horrendous anxiety. I understand that the people who are perfectly comfortable in their situations are not going to write to you, and thus the sample is fundamentally biased. However, these are not the first people I've seen stressing over "arrangements." In fact, most people I've known stressed about theirs.
Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I'm curious to hear how the pros outweigh the cons. I'm curious to know what makes these relationships satisfying. I'm curious how people shut down that little voice which says "he may be hot, but you know you don't like him that much." Maybe I'm coming from a different mindset - if someone bores me to tears or annoys the crap out of me, the hotness fades. The same if they're neither boring or annoying, but just blah. If they're blah, they're a waste of time - I don't read stupid books, buy ugly shoes, or eat crappy food. So why would I spend time with someone who just doesn't cut it for me? And if they're not "blah," if I really really like them, then I wouldn't want to be just an "arrangement" to them - clearly, not good enough to date, but okay for a hook-up. That's just not good for anyone's self-esteem and self respect. I'll take the rejection and go gank some noobs. Nerd-rage is good occasionally.
So yah, to sum it all up: why do people have "arrangements" if they're complicated? Or, assuming someone is having a very uncomplicated "arrangement" because they don't have the time or they aren't in the right place for a real relationship, how do they get over the fact that the dude isn't really all that? (i.e. what do they get out of sleeping with a dude they don't like that much?). The above is just an assumption, because if they are hooking up with dudes they DO like, that's a whole different can of worms right there (the stuff that castles in
The DW can answer this one from a dude point of view pretty easily. Dudes can often completely separate things that involve a little naked Hokey Pokey from feelings and emotional attachment. In fact, depending on where a dude is at with his life, having the feeling and emotional attachment out of the equation can be like a beautiful Christmas morning. The complication of maintaining an “Arrangement”, to these dudes, is a lot less complication than maintaining a relationship.
So, depending on the dude and the dude’s state of mind there’s not necessarily this All or Nothing choice to be made about who you’re boning. A girl may be ‘blah’, as you say, but the contents of her panties rarely are. What is satisfying, you ask? Sex.
But as for the ladies? The DW dares not speculate. What say you, promiscuous readers?
Saturday, October 11, 2008
One of the things the DW learned right away about online dating was that the “first move” part was no different on the internets than it was in a bar. Not one woman ever contacted him first. Meanwhile, every woman he knows who has online dated has had her mailbox spilling over with 926 dudes in about 2.4 seconds.
“It’s a real pain in the a#s to sort through all those losers.”
“Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.”
“So many gross dudes!”
To these sorts of complaints, the DW, as a former online dating dude with a completely empty mailbox, says, “Boo frickin’ hoo to you and all your options.” He also suggests that you dare to make yourself utterly unappealing. Not unappealing to everyone, of course. Just to the dudes you don’t want.
Or maybe another way to put it is, don’t write your profile as if it’s for everyone. It’s not. It’s not for the local news. It’s not for an essay contest. It’s not even for your friends. The only person your profile is really for is that dude you want to meet.
Just as asking for everything in the world can be a bad idea (see Online Dating Tip #2 – The List Of Demands) presenting yourself as everything in the world can be a bad idea, too. If you say you are “Just as comfortable in hiking boots as high heels!” when, closer to the truth is something like 1) you don’t like hiking that much, but you think you want a dude who’s outdoorsy or 2) you haven’t hiked in six years, but think it’s about time you started walking more or 3) you think dudes like a woman who hikes or 4) omg! you just flat out hate hiking and have no f*cking idea why you just typed what you did, well, don’t be surprised to find yourself on a second date in a tent somewhere remote, wondering what the sweet jesus you have in common with this dude who smells like campfire that’s trying to worm his way into your sleeping bag.
Make jokes. Take stands. Be definitive. Dare to have a dude feel strongly about what you write. Do that, and some will find you utterly unappealing, it's true. But the dudes with whom you actually have a lot in common will likely find you all the more desirable.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Dear Dude Whisperer,
Love your advice. Now I've got one I'm betting you haven't heard before. I am horribly cursed with an almost complete inability to orgasm.
Actually, it's an inability to orgasm in any kind of natural way. The only way that I *can* have an orgasm is by stimulating my clit with a vibrator. Don't get me wrong, I am a very sexual person--I'm constantly horny and I love sex, kissing, fondling, giving and receiving oral, etc etc etc. But the road to orgasm is rough and rocky, and can only be overcome with the use of a battery operated device.
This poses a problem for me, as I am recently back on the singles market and want to have some fun with my weekends. I've hooked up with several dudes since becoming single, and with each one I revisit my dilemma: do I fake an orgasm? or do I just tell him it might not happen, but that i'll have fun no matter what and am happy to please him? (which is a bit of a fib, because it definitely will not happen and it does impact my level of fun.) or do I bring out my small and unassuming clit stimulator, which I know strikes feelings of inadequacy into the hearts of many dudes?
Let me tell you my feelings on the subject. First off, I am embarrassed and depressed by the fact that I seem to be...well...malfunctioning in this way. In fact I have only told a couple of people that I have this problem, and they were dudes that I was in long-term relationships with.
Based on my general conversations about sex with women and dudes, however, I gather that this is a rare problem. Women can almost always cum from oral or manual stimulation, even if not from intercourse itself. But not me. So I've had no one to really discuss this with, or get advice from, as no one really understands, and I am too embarrassed to talk about it anyway. That said, I've faked it with a few dudes I've casually hooked up with (who hasn't?). I hate doing that. It puts pressure on me to fake it at the right time and to do it convincingly, and also sets a precedent that I'll have to fake it again if we hook up again, and of course leaves me unsatisfied. And, if any of these casual hookups should turn into something more (yeah, unlikely, I know), I've now started a relationship based on lies. But, faking it avoids me having to give any explanations as to my lack of orgasm.
The second option, where I warn him it may not happen, kinda sucks too. It leaves him feeling inadequate that he couldn't make me cum, and makes me feel like a freak. I recently hooked up with a dude and tried to orgasm the "natural" way (me rubbing my clit while he fucked me)...it was wishful thinking on my part, and after a couple hours of sex he got tired and didn't even cum himself. So I felt like I disappointed him in two ways--he felt like he couldn't please me, and I put so much pressure on him for so long that he got too tired to even be able to please himself. So this option sucks too.
The third option, where I attempt to sexily and un-intimidatingly bring my "little friend" into the mix, is one I've tried during casual sex with mixed success. One dude thought it was hot, which was cool. One dude was totally accepting and had used toys with women before (though never as a necessity), but confessed that he still wanted to make me cum himself. I assured him "It's not you, it's me," which sounds so cliche and false, but in this case it's true. Another dude did not seem so keen on the whole thing, but still let me use the toy anyway while we fucked. But, though he never told me himself, I suspect it was the reason we stopped hooking up after a few times. He just seemed so uncomfortable. So, bringing out the toy can make a dude feel inadequate, and makes me feel like a freak, and (I think) in many cases makes him think I'm a freak. But this is the only option that lets me cum.
I'm not new to sex, let me assure you. I've tried anything and everything and it's just a fact--it's either the toy or no orgasm (even when masturbating). In a relationship situation, I would bring up the subject slowly and before we've had sex, and feel him out to see if this was something that he would be comfortable with. But in a casual hookup situation (which is all I'll be doing for awhile), I don't know what to do. It's casual semi-anonymous sex--there's usually just no way to bring it up before we hop in the sack.
So, DW, what do you think most dudes would prefer? Should I risk making him (and myself) uncomfortable by introducing the toy? (if so, got any tips on how to do this with minimal awkwardness and embarrassment?) Lie and fake it? Or tell him it may not happen, but focus on giving him the best fuck of his life while secretly feeling disappointed?
Not to burden you with my girly emotions, but I can't even count how many times I've cried and felt hopelessly sexually inadequate because of my problem. I want to feel free and uninhibited when it comes to sex (and in many other ways I do), but this thing has always held me back. I just hate knowing that I'm a freak.
Thanks for listening,
There are two lessons the DW learned from waiting tables.
Lesson One - If you are relaxed and believe everything is okay, your tables will relax and believe everything is okay. Food late? No problem. Order mixed up? No problem. Need to pull out a sex toy? No problem.
Lesson Two - It is impossible to anticipate who is going to tip and who isn't, so you might as well just do the job the way you want to do it and whatever happens, happens.
(The DW actually also learned that it could be remarkably effective to blame everything on the kitchen, but since that lesson's not exactly honorable we'll disregard it for the metaphorical purposes at hand.)
So let’s look, OD, at how Lesson One applies to you.
First things first, you need to understand that you are not a freak. The DW usually hesitates to claim he knows anything about women, but all his experience with the womenfolk, direct or anecdotal, makes him pretty darned sure that needing your little p*ssyhelper is, in fact, distinctly un-freakish. Look, if he's horny enough a dude can rub one out while eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and looking up movie times on Fandango. Women, well, not so much, right? The DW had a girlfriend years ago for whom an orgasm was kind of like spotting Sasquatch- a lot of squinting, excitement, celebration, and an urge to alert the local news, but later when you went back and looked at the film it turned out all you had was some dude running through the woods in a gorilla suit. Okay, so that simile kinda fell apart.
But the point is this- everybody's got that thing they need to scale mighty
The DW would like to invite readers with vaginas to comment about this. You are seriously not freakish. Can’t stress this enough. Once you understand you have nothing to be ashamed of or worry about, you can apply Lesson One to the wieners in your life. If you are relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay, the wiener will be relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay.
Lesson Two translates pretty easily, as well. Look, if the DW took it personally every time he got a sh#tty tip he would have become a very angry, confused, self-doubting waiter dude, indeed. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t control how people are going to behave, no matter how quickly you bring their breadsticks or whatever. And you can’t control reaction (other than as in Lesson One) to your vibrator, either. If some dude is so sans nuts he thinks your orgasm needs are a reflection on him and wants to get all boo-hoo poor me about it, well, maybe that tells you all you need to know about what a chump the dude is. Maybe it’s just because the DW happens to be an outrageously creative and confident lovah, but he bets there are a lot more dudes than you think who would not only take you up on using the toy, but greedily inquire about what else you’ve got in that bedside drawer. Seriously, you could tell the DW that getting off required a dozen eggs, a garden gnome, and a small suitcase full of chick peas and he would simply ask what went where and in what order.
And so all of this leads us back towards pretty familiar DW territory. The best thing to do here is just be up front with a dude. Dudes understand direct. They don’t understand hints, especially when it comes to the many-faceted wonder that is the human vagina. Just say what you need. And say so confidently. This thing that you view as a problem is not a malfunction, rare, weird, or any of those other words you used in your note in any way. It's how your p*ssy works. Big frickin' deal. The DW can't stress this enough.
Casual hookup night? Just pull that vibrator out and tell the dude how to use it. Or, how to watch you use it. Whatever you like. Don't apologize for yourself because there is nothing to apologize for. As long as you make sure that the dude’s ending is similarly happy, he'll do whatever you want. And if he doesn't, tell the dumb sh&t to leave. In the DW's opinion, you don't need to do any pre-depantsing explanation because 1) again, This Is Not Weird and 2) casual hookups are full of surprises for you, too. Seriously, do you expect a guy to tell you while you're still at the bar flirting over margaritas, "So, um, you should know ahead of time that I've got one of those bendy dicks. We're talkin', like, serious right turn,
For a long term thing? Maybe, if you want, you can talk about this beforehand, but not necessary. Pretty much all the stuff above still applies.
So, don't fake any orgasms and don't set up some other situation where you're constantly sexually disappointed or any of that kind of stuff. Deception, especially where genitals are involved, does not do well in the long term. You will have problems and regrets. It's not worth it. Rather than ask what a dude would prefer, ask yourself what you would prefer. The DW bets what you would prefer is a dude who isn't phased by your toy in the least. So, if you find out sooner than later that some dude is freaked out by a little harmless toy, well, maybe that’s all for the good so you can decide whether or not you want to educate him or dump his a*s before you get too involved.
Seriously, though. No more crying, babydoll! You're no freak and this is no burden to anybody. Believe it.
Best of luck with the dudes, and may you never run out of batteries,
Sunday, October 5, 2008
This time around, the not quite weekly Dude of the Week award goes to Matt Bauer and Claire Light. And really, this is just because the DW wants to make a couple recommendations to you, his extremely bright and good looking readership. No dude theories or observations, just pure promotion of stuff that the DW thinks deserves to be brought to your attention.
First, the dude. Matt Bauer is a musician with a new record out called The Island Moved in the Storm. His site is here, Myspace is here, record label here. It’s hard to type about music without sounding like some dork fanboy or resorting to hyperbole, vaguely flowery prose, or insisting that cool band X sounds like a mashup of cool band Y and cool band Z- so, the DW will just say this. The record is f&cking good and you should go to the sites listed above or to iTunes and have a listen. You could try to file the sound under Folk or Alt Country or Indie or
And now the dudette. Claire Light is a writer of many things, but the DW is going to direct you, in particular, to her site Enterbrainment, and let you explore from there. (Here’s her bio from the site.) She calls Enterbrainment “Trash for Smarties” and that’s about as good a sum-up as the DW could manage. This is a place where posts called Baby Panda Sneeze and Can the Government Control the Arts make perfect sense side by side. Sci-fi TV, the politics of race, who should Jennifer Aniston date - all fair game and all addressed with a smartypants slant. Have you ever had an Us Weekly and a New Yorker in your bag at the same time? Go now!
So, there you are. Don’t say the DW never gave ya nothin’. More soon. Best,
Friday, October 3, 2008
Readers who go way back to the Stone Age of March 6th may remember a Dude Whisperer post called A Note on Your Hotness, in which the DW wondered aloud why so many of the women who write to him are careful to insist that they are the, er, opposite of horrible looking. The conclusion the DW reached about this phenomenon was that the Declaration of Hotness was a sort of inoculation against the DW dealing out an answer like, “You are clearly a troll and that’s why he dumped your ugly a$s.” Since then, we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, the self-assessments have become a little more realistic, and the DW has hopefully proven that you don’t need to sell yourself as Megan Fox’s hotter, smarter sister to get him to focus on non-appearance reasons for your various conundrums.
Which brings us to the Declaration of Mind-Blowing Sex. If the DW’s scorchin’ hot mailbox is to be believed, his readers have found a hidden society of dudes who are out there with f#ckin’ skills that would shock Larry Flynt. We’re talkin’ dudes that are to legendary p&ssy techniques what Shaolin monks are to kung-fu. Which is odd, actually, since most of the women the DW knows in real life lament a string of dudes who thunk around in their panties with all the tenderness and understanding of an unlicensed plumber. Clang, Whack. What the f&ck are you doing in there?
What the DW has noticed is that most of the letters where Dr. Mindblower turns up are letters in which women don’t have much else to say that’s tangibly positive about the dude. Three theories.
One. Is the assessment of ‘earth shattering’ and ‘mind-blowing’ and ‘toe curling’ a knowing exaggeration as a way to add something emphatic to the Pro column when the Con column for a dude starts getting long? You know, the more you type about some dude, the more you start to realize he’s a douche, so the more you feel like you have to make him sound good or the DW will scold you for your poor choices? Maybe you do it to talk yourself into his positives? Basically, is this a PR campaign?
Two. The sex really is pretty good, and part of the reason is because the dude is kind of a jerk and deep down you know it. “I shouldn’t be doing this! Now take me, you d*ck!” [Swoon. Consider how awesome it would be if you were the one who could tame this hot, steaming pile of cheater and liar into the honorable man you know he can be. ] The DW doesn’t like to believe that this bad boy/danger/forbidden kinda attraction stuff is true, but he doesn’t like to believe that the Giants have five more years on Barry Zito’s contract either, and there’s no getting around that one.
Three. You just want to believe it so bad. Maybe you confuse the pleasure of having a dude be interested with the pleasure of the actual wienerplay. Maybe you don’t have a whole lot of other experience to compare against? Maybe you just really, really want to like the dude? But for whatever reason, it’s just the more appealing option to believe the sex is top notch.
Or maybe it’s none of the above. But look, there’s a lot of sh^tty clumsy sex out there and some of you must be having it. So, what gives? The DW fully admits that, as usual, he knows nothing about women, but he would like to understand. What’s up with your Smokin’ Hot Super Sexy F*ckodysseys?
One other quick note: Sometime soon you may see ads appear on the site. The DW welcomes thoughts about this. On the one hand, he would like to have his salary for being a genius raised slightly from the current rate of $0.00 per hour, but if there is a great outcry and a general gnashing of teeth about how ads are ruining your life, he could perhaps take them back down and look for other ways to raise money. Perhaps a government bail-out.
Another Dudefile and DOW soon.