Monday, December 15, 2008

Dude of the Week! (#11)

So, some of you who are old enough might remember how there were a couple years in the mid-90s when it seemed like Eric Stoltz was in every movie made. Take a look at the stretch on his imdb page that starts with Pulp Fiction and Ends with Anaconda. Pretty solid run for a That Guy who's now settling for Battlestar Galactica prequel spinoffs.

Anyway, the DW was thinking about Mr. Stoltz the other day and decided that this weeks not quite weekly DOW, Eric Stoltz Edition goes to... James Franco, the guy who in 2021 we'll look back on and say, "Dang he had a good run for a That Guy". "Wait, that was him in Spider Man?" "Whoa, he was Sean Penn's boyfriend in Milk? Oh, sh&t, you remember Pineapple Express? Him and Seth Rogen is, like, the 2008 That Guy duo of all-time!"

Seriously, though, good for you James Franco, you alarmingly good looking dude, you, for, like Eric Stoltz before you, embracing your couple years of overload good fortune to make films that are at least a little off kilter and interesting instead of going straight to Diane Lane flicks about dog parks and Tuscany or whatever. Take it from John Cusack- that sh^t will always be there later if you get hard up. Well done, Dude of the Week. Keep up the fine intentions.

...In other news, the DW Googled "Dude of the Week" the other day and it turns out the DOW is a fairly popular concept. A sampling of non-DW DOW's are below...

Ugly Dude of The Weekon

Hot Dude of the Week, Jon, on

Cool Dude of the Week, Buckminster Fuller, on

- and, if you want to give yourself a headache,
check this one out. Seriously, these clowns eventually get to a DOW, but you've been warned about the annoyingness which may or may not be worth the rubbernecking value.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dudefile # 39 - The DJ

To the Dudiest of Dudes,

Here's my dude question. I started dating this dj/musician dude a while back and we seemed to have a lot of basic stuff in common. We went to shows together,
I cooked him dinner, he cooked me dinner. We met each other's friends. All fairly normal dating material.

However, I noticed pretty quickly that he was really bad at communicating, even for a dude. Like, even basic things like returning a phone call. Really bad. It got to the point where a ten word text felt like the State of the Union from this dude. That being said, that still didn't really deter us from hanging out and having a great time together.

THEN he went on the road playing in a friend's band for a few weeks and all of a sudden, I just stopped hearing from him.

Okay, so...I get the message. It's over and I'm not interested in trying to get him back. But come on. I'm owed at least some kind of explanation, right? Some kind of "Sorry," or "I'm too busy," or something, even if it's lame. This is a grown dude we're talking about here. Old enough to know better.

So my question is this. Should I say something or should I just leave it alone?

~Never date DJs or drummers

Hi thereNdDJod,

Dudiest of dudes! Hell yeah!

Yipes. Sorry to hear you got That Stereotypical Musician Dude. Bad times. The DW is seriously tempted to let this devolve into a rant about how much he thinks The DJ is the most overrated and ridiculous phenomenon of our time because those folks are so often self-important wankers who don't realize that it's not actually that special to play a bunch of records drunk people like to hear when they're dancing in a horrible club, but he is bigger than that and will resist the temptation.

So, should you say something?

Look, it depends on what your purpose is. If the idea of saying something is to make yourself feel better, go nuts. The DW is of the opinion that any spiel you feel like throwing at this dipsh^t is deserved. You'd be hard pressed to go overboard, frankly. The DW has no patience with the Fade To Silence approach this dude has borrowed from the end of some boinky Euro dance track and tacked onto your relationship whether it's from a dj dude, a sorority girl, a boss, a cop, or Santa Claus. Knock yourself out. The Fade is a no balls move.

If your purpose is to make the dude feel bad, though. Well, save your breath. The thing that might actually get through to That Stereotypical Musician Dude is to move on so utterly that it's like it doesn't even matter he disappeared. If you rant, he's just gonna find a way to turn that into You So Crazy No Wonder I Broke Up With You and make up some revisionist history that absolves himself of guilt. Then he'll go pick up some choice vinyl, smoke a bowl, and use the story about how you freaked out on him to drum up sympathy from the next chick he tries to pick up. You feel me, brah?

As with anything, there are exceptions to rules. The most honest dude the DW knows is a singer and guitar player. And, it's true he was actually at a DJ friend's birthday party two days ago. And she's superawesome. But for now, maybe play the odds and stay away from the dudes with instruments.

Here's to a non-DJ d&ck in your near future. Best,

the DW

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Dudefile# 38 - How Can I Tell If He's Lying

Dear Dude Whisperer,

How do you know if he's lying? I've been known to be a human lie detector, and I can almost always just tell. So I suspect he is not telling me something but of course I'm not going to accost him with "I JUST HAVE A FEELING!" (Or accost him at all. I don’t know what he's lying about, but red flags go up when he's MIA for hours and then says he was taking a nap. Maybe he WAS napping. That's reasonable. But for some reason I'm skeptical.) What are the tell tale signs something's going on that he's keeping from you?


Hi there,

First of all, HLD, the DW hopes your holiday was good and that nobody lied to you about naps or anything else. May there be pie and joy in your holidays to come, and may you not accost any dudes and bum them out.

So. Lying. To answer the general question - there is no foolproof way to tell if a dude is spinning a yarn. Of course, the odds he’s lying increase approximately 972,006 times if he’s trying to get in your pants (6 billion times if he’s trying to get in your pants for The First Time), but you already knew that. Please, tell me all of you already knew that.

Maybe he lies to get out of the house, to watch football, to cheat on you. Maybe he doesn’t lie at all. But here’s the thing. You’re not gonna figure out if he’s lying just from the words that come out of his mouth. A dude lying to get into your thongity thong thong thong might actually momentarily Believe his own line of sh%t just because he wants that sugary muffin goodness of yours so badly. A dude with a boner can say “Yeah, baby. I think it would be great to move in together and buy some floral print sheets,” with a straight face and Sean Penn sincerity. And that can be dangerous for everybody involved.

So here’s your strategy. Pay attention to how the dude behaves, not what he says. Talk, talk, talk, whatever. Blah, blah, words. Dudes value actions about 423 trillion times more than words and have a much harder time lying with their outward behaviors. When the actions and the words don't match up, something's amiss. "I love you," from a dude's mouth is, in many respects, just a sound his mouth made. Like “Sham-poo” or “Fahrvergn├╝gen”. If he doesn't Act like “I love you,” get worried.

Two final brief thoughts. You're right to never accost a dude with, "I just have a feeling." That will give him an instant headache and he will revolt against the next ten ideas you have, no matter what they are. Don't do it. He will “just have a feeling” you’re being a pain in the ass and nothing good will come of it.

The other is- pick your battles. Getting back to your dude specifically, let's suppose he is stretching the truth about napping. But for what purpose? If you think he's using “naptime” to lustily bone half the block, that's one thing. But if you think maybe he just wants to be left alone for awhile, seriously consider letting it slide. The DW came home from a rather un-awesome day at work the other day and as much as he loves the wifey, all he wanted to do was sit still for half an hour and stare at the wall and silently do absolutely nothing. Had nothing to do with her. The DW just needed a minute to have a brain nap and a few deep breaths. If the wifey hadn’t read him perfectly and given him some space, he might well have made up some kind of “I need to check my email” kind of excuse/lie to be in the other room for a minute.

Look, the DW is not saying it's okay for the dude to lie all the time, or for you to lie all the time- just make sure you're not going looking for things to be suspicious about. Maybe when you think you can “just tell”, as you put it, take a minute to examine the facts and behaviors and significance of the situation as closely as your instincts.


the DW