Thursday, April 30, 2009

Poll Results #189A

Bonjour sexy readers,

It's been a while, so let's take a look at the results for one of the latest polls....

Q. - Have you ever given naughty pictures of yourself to your significant other?

Yes! - 47%
No! -   53%

Well, bless your hearts you nudie models, you. The proportion of you who said yes to this question and the way in which boobie pics have become nearly commonplace with the kids these days kinda blows the DW's mind. You know, it wasn't too long ago a dude thought his girlfriend wearing a thong constituted some radical sexy sailin' the high seas of erotica experiment with lingerie. Now it seems like young dudes are confused if their 17 year old girlfriend isn't wearing a lace thong while taking a picture of herself blowing him. All of which, of course, fills the DW's giant genius brain with the following thoughts to the point of distraction.

1- Where the f*ck was all this nonsense when the DW was in college?
2- The DW is stone cold terrified to have kids.
3- Get the DW a walker because he sounds like an old f(cking man.

What the DW also wonders is what this means for the ladies. The benefit for the dude is pretty obvious. Naked pictures=good times. But what's in it for the fairer sex? Is this one of those things where everybody is all liberated and it's awesome and the DW should catch up with the times and move on? Or do the ladies feel like a "pictorial" is the kind of thing they have to do to lure the dude they desire? 

Also, for those of you who have sent or received sexy pictures, how widely do they travel? In other words, the DW would assume that any dude under say, 23, would show barea&sed pics of his girlfriend to pretty much all his friends. A 42 year old dude not so much unless he's a serious knucklehead. But what about the files? Do those get shared, too? 

As the wife would say, shaking her head- So many questions. So many questions. 

Work it, baby! Best,

The DW

Friday, April 24, 2009

Dudefile#45 - Another Confusing F#ckbuddy

Hi DW,

I just started reading your blog and I LOVE it. Also, you seem like the perfect man and your wife is super lucky (and I suspect that you are super lucky too because she sounds awesome as well).

Anyway, I digress.

I just read the Confusing Fuckbuddy post [DW NOTE: See Dudefile #18- The Confusing F#ckbuddy from May 4, 2008] and thought that that girl's situation was similar to mine, but different enough that it was worth writing in.

There is this guy, let's call him Jim. I went out with Jim a few times, mostly because he's completely different than anyone I've ever dated before (and dating those other guys wasn't getting me too far). I didn't really have that much in common with Jim, other than us both being nerds (he's a "real" science nerd, I'm a social science nerd) but we ended up having sex at some point because I pretty much always want to have sex. The sex was mindblowing (another one!)
[DW NOTE: See A Note On Your Mindblowing Sex from October 3, 2008]. As in, I came the first time we had sex, I came before we ever even had sex (with my pants on!), and then I came several times while had sex. He was enjoying it too. Then one night he got kind of boyfriend cuddly with me and it was weird and I was not feeling it. I just sort of deflected him for a while. Full disclosure: I was looking for a boyfriend and I was hoping it would be him, but it just wasn't there.

I have found that blunt honesty works best with dudes. They really are fairly simple and don't think about shit as much as we do. So, I told him. I said, "Look Jim, obviously the sex is mindblowing, but I'm not really feeling this in any sort of girlfriend-boyfriend way." He said, "Well, that's great, because I don't want a girlfriend" (he had just gotten out of a serious relationship). So I say great, even though I don't know that I fully believe him, and we agree to just fuck.

We do that for a while, and the whole time I'm thinking that he likes me more than I like him, but he keeps his cool for the most part, aside from a few freak out moments that generally consisted of texts, emails, phone calls, facebook posts, all during the span of, say, a dinner with a friend. Then about three months ago, we are at a mutual friend's party (we didn't go together, we don't hang out other than eating a meal and having sex) and he was (unintentionally, according to him) cockblocking me by putting his hand on my back, pinching my ass, etc. etc. Unacceptable! So, I cut it off. Done!

This is getting long, sorry. Anyway, he just found out he's moving in less than two weeks, and I said, "Great, we should fuck as much as possible before then," explaining that it's good to have a finite end to things that doesn't leave one person angry or sad. He is apparently not listening because
20 minutes later he starts talking about me coming to visit him. Later that night, we have sex again, but I don't come! This is the first time that has happened with him! And I am forced to finally admit to myself that I don't like this dude AT ALL. And that he likes me more than he'll admit to.

So, I still have a week and a half left of promised sex that I now don't want to have. I don't really think it's fair to him to lead him on or whatever, even though I have been totally explicit about not wanting anything other than sex (which I now don't want anymore). And he keeps denying that he's into me for more reasons than my tits and ass. I don't really feel like I can say, "I don't believe you." So what do I say? The thought of a mercy fuck or five is totally depressing, but I kind of feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My instinct is to try to ignore him and then he'll move and it will be done, but he is a good dude and I don't like being a total bitch. How do I let him down easy?

--Damned if I do, damned if I don't

p.s. Yes, I recognize (in retrospect) that I should have never started boning this dude again. I made the rash decision in a moment of sleep deprivation + extreme horniness.

Hi there DiId,diId,

First of all, the DW would just like to say god bless you and your ability to come in your pants. I suspect "He was enjoying it too," was the understatement of the week given how this dude's been navigating his dinghy through Hurricane Climax. Don't you dare let anybody ever tell you to quit all this fuckin', okay? Seriously.

And now, in what will seem like the most abrupt transition in Dude Whisperer history, the DW would like to tell you about a meeting he endured this afternoon at work that was just about as far as you can possibly imagine from coming in your pants. In short, the DW was dropped into the middle of a project and was trying to catch up with this other dude, let's call him Wally Wanderfocus, about what his company is contracted to do and what they're not. Is this part of your scope? Is this?

Now, all the DW is looking for is yes or no so he can just figure out the situation, know what's up, and move the f*ck on accordingly. But this other dude keeps on giving these answers that start with all these weird business vagueries like he's trying to evade or justify or apologize for what was agreed to and signed a long time ago. "Given the nature of our current circumstances..." "That is something we could look into further..." "A little history behind that is..." Wally! Dude! It's 4 on a Friday! Just tell me where we're at and let's wrap this up and go to the A's game, brocephus!

And it's that idea of a contract that the DW is getting at for your situation, DiIddiid, because it is a kind of contract you've entered with this f&ckbuddy dude. In exchange for some come in your pants and presumably elsewhere of your choosing, you agree to serve up some sweet hot as& and put a few things in your mouth and nary shall there be the prospect of morphing into gf and bf, forever and ever, amen. The DW seriously applauds you for how up front and direct and simple you made this for the dude. There could not have been any mistaking of the terms, all was negotiated in good faith, etc etc. Let's get it on. Grade A "How To Deal With A Dude" kinda stuff.

So, just like there was no reason for Wally to tapdance around in a meeting about what was agreed upon, printed up and signed, there's no reason for you to tapdance around what you agreed upon with your dude, either. Dude knows he's violating your deal. Dudes are always looking for the rules, ways to keep things simple, wanting to know what's on then table or off the table- You've given him all this and he knows it. As far as the DW is concerned, you're absolutely free to cut off all this boyfriend nonsense. That's not being a b*tch, that's just sticking to what you agreed.

How do you let him down? Heave ho, baby doll. Don't you waste all that sweet lovin' on mercy f(cks. Just be honest and straight like you have been all along. Next time he brings up his move just say something like, "Dude, it's been real, but the f-buddy thing doesn't make sense now that you're moving. But hey, that's the great thing about juts f*ckin', right? No muss, no fuss like with a girlfriend. Okay, well good luck to ya!" Aaaaand, that's that. Be nice and stuff, but no need to fall all over yourself. He's a big boy. He'll be fine.

One quick note before we go, though, about the cockblocking. You gotta give the dude a break on that one. Even if he's in a strictly f&ckbuddy situation, a dude can't really be expected to stand by in the same room and do nothing while you work on setting up a bone with another dude. Deal or not, that just taps into too much primal dude horsecrap. Trust the DW on that one.

Oh, and the DW almost wrapped this up without thanking you for your kind words. Perfect man! Dang! That may be the slightest of overstatements, but you are still quite right that the wifey is a lucky gal. Just ask her who made the best strawberry rhubarb pie on the west coast last night just for no good reason other than it felt like time to eat pie. As it were.

Here's to sealing your next deal. Best,
the DW

Monday, April 20, 2009

Dudefile #42 - The Bartender (part two)

DW NOTE: For part one of this excellent tale of loss and redemption, see Dudefile #42 a few posts earlier. The DW would link directly, but Blogger is more stubborn than the DW's 7 month old niece right now. (Link, damn you. Link!..)

Hi Dude,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response. My good friend, who is a faithful DW reader and who initially directed me toward the shining beacon of your wisdom, suggested that I update you on my situation, as you are known to appreciate follow-ups. In sum, you were 100% right. Shocking, I'm sure.

Here's what happened: a few weeks after I got your response, I went back to the bar where bartender dude and I had originally met. I knew he would be working. I made sure I looked really pretty. Bartender dude sees me, kind of freezes, then comes over sheepishly.

We make small talk, I'm pretty friendly and joke-y and laid back, then I finally ask him what his deal is, and why he stopped calling me. He says that he thought he was way more into me than I was into him, that he thought he would just be some fling before I went flitting back to the east coast, that he figured it was a good idea to get out before he got any more emotionally invested, that it was all sort of emotional insurance. I quietly corrected him, ensured him that I had, in fact, liked him, told him I hoped he had a good evening, and left.

Three weeks later, he texts me, asking if we can hang out again, even though he "fucked it all up to high hell." I, stupidly or no, said yes. And now we're dating. It seems to be going pretty well, he's really sweet and clearly very very into me, although I do feel some implicit pressure to be uber-committed, since I had to convince him that he wasn't just some random dude I would dump when the spring came, but I'm trying to quell the pressure and keep him from getting too serious too fast, because that's clearly where his mind is headed.

Anyway, I'm having fun, and I like him, and I'm happy that I went back to the bar that night, and I would not have done it without your keen insight.

Rock on, friend.


Hi K,

See, now this is the kind of update that the DW seriously digs. It's got all the elements.

1- Confirmation of DW genius.
2- A situation in which a dude actually appears to be a normal decent human.
3- A happy ending.

Okay, so the happy ending isn't guaranteed, but the happy start is. Congrats on a dude who is really sweet and clearly very into you. You just made 87% of the DW's readers wish they had your situation.

Drink up!

the DW

(PS- Don't feel pressure! You didn't promise him the next sixty years of your life, babydoll, you just promised to take him seriously and act in good faith and that's all any dude can ask for. Be nice, give it an honest shot, see what happens next, y'know?)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Dudefile #44 - The Poet

hi dude,

ok here goes. awhile ago, i moved in with a dude. the dude and i were merely acquaintances. we hit it off right away. i was attracted to him before i moved in but really thought that i could get over it. of course i was wrong. our friendship started really casual. hanging out here and there, mostly at the apartment.

about a month in we were out and he started spouting all this stuff about how he has to really know a girl before he sleeps with her and all this other stuff. i bought it.. we ended up meeting up with a mutual acquaintance that he liked. however, he spent the night talking to me and flirting with me, but i could tell there were expectations from the other chick (he previously pursued her with random texts, poems, etc). so i left the bar to give them space. nothing happened between them until a couple weeks later, then he dropped her like it was nothing.

more time passed. we became fast friends, really comfortable. we went out with a group of friends he told me a girl asked if i was his girlfriend. i apologized for interfering with "his game" but he said it's no problem, that he could never just go home with girls anyways. at this point as roommates we stayed up late together a lot, just being in each others company. he told me he liked that i was awake when he got home from work. i liked waiting up for him.

eventually girls started coming over. anytime a girl he was interested in was over, instead of spending time with her he followed me around the apartment, he'd come into my room chat with me, give me all this attention. then goes back to pursue whoever and eventually end up screwing her.. all these girls were short lived. 3 weeks tops. he always wanted my company even when the random girls were over (to the point that sometimes he ambushed me, lied about what "friend" is coming over and it's whatever random girl). i made it clear that i didnt like being around for the pre-sexcapades. jealousy reared it's ugly head. i failed at the friend part there i suppose.

more time passes. lots of fun but confusing moments. neither of us makes the first move towards making anything physical. sexual tension had built but i have no confidence so i can never make the first move... or even in moments where i challenged myself to go for it, he'd disappoint me by bringing a new girl over or something. he went away for a weekend to hang with his closest dudes (all knew me well) - when he returned things were off- a little more tense.

still, any time we argued we could talk it out. it all lead to one moment when a new girl came over (i have known her forever, and never really liked her). the fact that i wouldnt hang out with her sparked an argument. we talked it out but nothing really was resolved and since then things havent been the same. it seems that the things left unsaid between us are still there- but may have ruined everything. i always fear losing the friendship.

i'm not sure what to do. i think i pushed him away when i was waiting for the right moment or never trusting him. i'm nervous that he'll discard me like the rest. i dont want to confess anything while he's still with his present girlfriend. but if they break up - do i give it time before i say anything?

thanks in advance for any input.
-not sure anymore

Hi there nsa,

Well, you're right about one thing. This dude will absolutely discard you like all the rest. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but definitely some time- abruptly and without looking back.

But to back up and answer your direct question, you don't really have to give it time before talking with this dude about gettin' it on or anything else. He's a pretty in the moment kinda fella it seems. Just lay it on him if you must. He'll roll with a conversation about your feelings or your hoo-hoo or organic produce or whatever. He's a roller. He rolls.

That said, the DW would caution you - no, CAUTION you - no F*CKING CAUTION! you - about getting involved with this dude in any sort of romantic sense. The DW knows this guy. He really is nice. And sensitive. He'll get you a tissue and take your plate from the table to the sink. His poetry might not even completely totally suck. Maybe he has one of those scruffy beard the kids are wearing these days and he looks really adorable in skinny jeans and boat shoes. But here's the thing. He's not in love with you or any of these ladies and he's never going to be. Not that he's diabolical like a gelled-hair club dude -this dude does like you and really means all that nice bullsh&t he says. But, what this dude is really in love with is his own romanticism and being in love.

That's why the parade of chicks. He's all romance. New feelings. New flirting. New sensations. His big poetic heart just wants to take in the whole big fat romantic world and give it a hot bowl of soup and a puppy. If you kiss him, you'll get poems, and soup, and a puppy. And then you'll get dropped like everyone else because time on earth is fleeting, man, and there's so much out there to love. Feel me, brah?

Maybe it's time to consider a new apartment?

Here's to being wary of Dr. Romance. Best,

the DW