Dudefile #57 - Stick to my Guns?

Dear DW,

I read your blog all the time, and love it! I have often wanted to write in, but all of my "dude stuff" has been going really well lately. Last week, though a situation popped up with a friend dude, and I'd like to get your perspective.

I have this friend dude who decided last year to move in with his then girlfriend of about2 months (at time of lease signing) and about 4-5 months at time of moving in. Now, I should probably also mention that this friend dude, we'll call him Cal, also bought his girlfriend a cat for her birthday before he moved in with her. Cal hates cats. HATES. A few months into living with each other, Cal and his gf/roommate broke up. At first, things were fine. They remained friends, and were able to share a living space. However, lately, it seems to have gotten worse. Not only are Cal and his ex-gf/roommate fighting somewhat regularly, but the cat has also done a few things that drive Cal crazy (like peeing on his stuff), and he wants to get out of the apartment before their lease is up in a few months. Don't forget, though, Cal BOUGHT the cat. AND signed the 12-month lease.

So, you may wonder what all this has to do with me? Yeah, me, too. Turns out that Cal's solution to this problem is for me to move in with his ex/roommate so that he can move in with my roommate. He lived with my roommate before (non-romantically), and is planning on moving in with her at the end of our lease. I'm perfectly fine with that because I like living alone. However, I'm also perfectly comfortable staying in my apartment with my current roommate until my lease ends. Cal has offered to pay me $$$ (like, 200-300 buckaroos, approximately) to stay in my own apartment, but live with his ex/roommate. He believes that this will be best for everyone. He gets to move away from his ex and live with someone he knows he's comfortable living with, my roommate will live with someone she's lived with before, Cal's ex gets to get out of a crappy living situation, and what about me? But what do I have to gain? I have to live with someone that I don't know very well for about 5 months? Gee, yeah, great idea. Oh, and just so you know, I don't really take bribes or think that the money is incentive at all.

Also, he has lied to both me and his ex about the situation by telling both of us that the other one was excited about the move when it was not true. He's manipulating my friends to try to get them to convince me even though they have no personal gain in it either, and many have told me that they wouldn't do it. He also increases the dollar amount every time I talk to him about it. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and bombarded.

My personal opinion is that my life shouldn't have to change because his sucks. He's an adult. He needs to grow up and deal with this on his own. However, I'm facing a lot of possible fall-out from saying this to him. 1) He probably won't be my friend anymore. 2) My roommate, who is close with him also, may have issues staying neutral. 3) I look like a bad guy in his eyes and to whomever he decides to tell the story to. As much as I hate that, I'm willing to stick to my guns on this one. I don't think his problem should become my inconvenience.

What do you think?

Thanks for any light you can shed,

Not My Problem, or is it?

Hi NMPooi,

So this is how reading your note went down here at the house.

(Reading.) Oh, thanks for the compliments, dollface! Just being a genius. (Reading, reading.) Cal dude feels like trouble. Also, the DW likes cats. (Reading.) Yipes. Cal dude is a trainwreck with mustard and pickles. (Reading, reading.) Oh, F&ck That! Don't you dare clean up his poopoopants!

And that's when the Wifey poked her head in from the other room and said, “Did you just say poopoopants? OMG, you have to let me read this one.”

Look, the DW spent an inordinate amount of time this week caught up in Mafia Wars, Season Two of Mad Men, and about 178 straight hours of college basketball, but he didn't pick up the phone and say, “Hey, NMPooi, since I've been busy here on the couch scratching my balls, how 'bout you come on over and give the joint a vacuum. And you know, run the duvet cover through the wash and fix me some dinner while you're at it.” Uh, nope. Because, you know, that would make him a dick.

And sure, the DW's had dude friends who will just sorta throw out ridiculous ideas like the apartment switch just for the hell of it or to be funny or whatever. Hey, why not? And that's fine. Kind of obnoxious, but you just tell the dude to shut the f*ck up and it's over. But this lying to people stuff? The coercion? Seriously, how much of a selfish lazy turd do you have to be when the little cartoon light bulb over your head in this situation says, “I know the way out! Take a crap on my friends! Perfect!”

All this is simply to say- stick to your guns. You've got this figured out just fine. There's a limit to what a friend can reasonably expect from a friend and this cheap bribe/musical apartments/duplicitous/where does this poor urinating cat end up? bullsplatter is way too much. Friends have bad ideas all the time and if you listen to all of them you'll end up with a life that looks like Vancouver's disjointed effed up gothgrunge fake tattoo tapdancers followed by KD Lang singing from a giant mushroom opening ceremonies. If Cal were to seriously, actually decide that you are no longer friendworthy over this, so be it. Whatever, homes. Stay smooth with the ladies, hombre. Smell ya later, poopoopants.

Here's to a normal apartment life.

Best,

the DW

Dudefile #56 - The Know What You Want Threesome

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Scenario: We all meet in college. 'Alex' and 'Jim' are best friends. I start dating Jim but Alex and I also become best friends in the process. Jim and I break up...2 years later Alex and I still hang out-- go to dinner together, he is kind of always my 'date' when we are out with other couples, he knows my family, we also still hang out with Jim. We always claim (and my friends tell me I am naive when it comes to his feelings about me) we are just friends but now people are starting to commenting about how close we are and even strangers think we are a couple. I choose to ignore it.

The other night we go out, get a tad too tipsy, he always tells me he 'loves' me, how beautiful I am, I am his best friend--but tonight it's over the top and then we pass out at his place. We spoon and reaches over and kisses me on the neck. That's all. The next morning he pretends like nothing happened, the usual after a night of drinking.

Should I own up to the fact that there is something going on between us or can I just continue to ignore it and enjoy what we have? Is this a toxic relationship? We both actively date other people but all of a sudden I am feeling so confused.

-Just Friends?

Hello DW,

I just recently came across your blog and have a question.

I met this a guy recently through a close friend, right away after meeting he would text and call me all the time, but by mid week he was kind of MIA, I asked him what he was up to over the weekend and he said "im going to snowboarding with a friend with benefits, I'll call you when I get back so we can hang out", should I be impressed by his honesty or should I walk away.

I have friends with benefits but im not announcing them to him or to everyone I meet. He called to hang out this week, but im wary, should I bring it up when I see him, if and when I do go out with him?

thank you !

RNP

Hi JF and RNP,

So, the DW hopes you don't mind having your letters posted in the first Dudefile threesome. Sit back and enjoy the two lady, one genius action. Cue the R Kelly. Light some candles. Aw yeah...

Reading your stories, the DW was reminded how any time he and the Wifey are on the way to buy something with a negotiable price whether it's a mattress or a motorcycle, the Wifey looks at him and says, “Now remember. You? Zip it.”

You see, unlike the Wifey, the DW is a truly terrible deal maker. Partly this is because he naively trusts that the people on the other side of the table will act in the same fair minded sympathetic genius fashion he does.

But mainly it is because he does not prepare. Buying things is not interesting to the DW so he does not decide what he wants and needs from the situation before he is in the situation. Then everybody starts talking bedframe details this and pillowtop details that and all of a sudden the DW is the Boca Raton Department of Transit trying to figure out how to clear 17 inches of snow from I-95 with six guys in flip-flops and two bags of sea salt.

And basically, that's the kind of foresight missing in these queries, right?

For you, JF, the short answer to “Are we just friends?” is, “You sure are.” You don't date, you don't bone. You just hang out like you do with your other, you know, friends. And incidentally, don't listen when other people say you look like a couple. They may be right, but they may be like the DW's grandmother who assumes that any two people of the opposite sex and same age who hang out alone must be “An Item”.

The real question is, “What do you want from this dude?” Do you want a friend? A boyfriend? A sexysecretblowjobfriend? You, like the DW on his way to buy a refrigerator, need to think about what you want, what you need, and what you absolutely will and will not settle for. Otherwise next thing you know you'll end up with some beige piece of junk that has too little storage space in the freezer and an ice maker you don't need.

Once you have a clear sense of what you're shooting for, yes, you should absolutely “own up”, as you put it, to what's going on. The DW is always in favor of being direct and honest when you're in a confusing situation with a dude. As always, dudes don't speak Hintish or Obtuseian.

Ask him what he means with all that drunkydrunk lovelove talk. Would he like to kiss your neck again? How about your sweet perky boobies? And you've got some leeway about how to phrase it. Look, this isn't exactly an I Have A Crush On A Dude In Science Class And He Doesn't Even Know I Exist situation where you have to summon the courage to approach some dreamy hunkzilla cold turkey. Seriously, this dude won't be surprised this issue is coming up unless he's criminally f&cking stupid. Talk to him. Clarify. The two of you can decide how to proceed.

And kinda the same thing for you, RNP. Whether you are impressed by or walk away from Mr. I'll Call You When I Get Back After Three Days of Bangin' the Everlovin' BeJeezus Out Of This Other Chick, depends on what you want out of the situation. If someone asks you, “Hey, it just snowed 19 inches in Tahoe. Should I go?” it helps to know if they ski. If they do, the answer is “Yes! Duh!” If, however, that person is like the DW and would rather skip the ski traffic and the ski cold and the skiing itself and stay home, spend a lot less money, and just pretend you sweated and froze your ass off at the same time in order to more quickly and comfortably get to the part where you enjoy hot chocolate and get busy making sensitive passionate love in a hot tub, then the answer is, "No! Why in the blizzardy world would you do that to yourself?"

Like JF, decide what you want. That will lead you to your answer pretty easily, right? If you want a serious bf or something, why would you even consider this dude? Is he admirably honest? You could say that. But if a dude is that immediately up front to one gal about another gal he's going to be playing Pants Around Your Ankles with all weekend with no committment, he's basically just said to your face he doesn't care if that scares you off or not because that's how he rolls, yo, and this ain't settling down and nesting time, sweetcakes, you dig? However, if what you want from dude is a friend with benefits, why not call him right now? He's eminently qualified. Instead of reading this you could be enlightening him on where you would like his dingdong to go next.

Here's to knowing what you want. Best,

the DW

Dudefile #55- He Offered The Door

Hey Dude,

Question: I have Dude that I have been dating for a year. After a couple months and a few comments from each of us implying that we don't share well with others, it became the unspoken assumption that we were exclusive.

The relationship is not working for me. I basically feel like a booty call and every time I say anything about the amount of time or interaction lacking he tells me that if it isn't working for me "there is the door".

Do I have to make an official statement or have a confrontational conversation where I explain that it is over for me? Or can I just start filling in my time with other options? We live in a small town and so it wouldn't take long for him to hear something from someone else.

FY

Hi there FY,

You know, the DW is of the opinion that just about any time someone suggests you walk out the door, you do it. The DW has never in his life suggested such a thing to someone he cared about, let alone repeatedly to a sexy gf. This isn't some bulls&t horsing around like you've seen dudes do when they punch each other on the arm and horribly insult each other and it turns out all they're doing is having fun and sharing inside ironic jokes. This is in the context of what is supposed to be a relationship, perfectly serious, and frankly just an indicator that someone is too sh&tty for any kind of problem solving or empathy. Life is to short to engage this crapsack on any level. Head out the do'. For sho'.

As for the official statement and confrontational conversation? Yes and no.

The DW is a big fan of clarity and honesty, so even though this dude is more of a Teen Sex Comedy Over the Top Jock A-Hole Villain Cardboard Cut Out than an actual homo sapiens, for your benefit and as a matter of decency, the Official Statement is a yes. Doesn't have to be Gettysburg Address or anything, just a certain and simple, “We're over like a forty year old figure skater,” will do. Then go get involved with whomever you please.

As for the confrontation and/or conversation, ohgoodlordno. Why would you do that to yourself? There's nothing to explain and no reason for a big fat examine-fest. Just inform dude you're taking him up on the offer for the door and won't be back. The whole thing could seriously take less than a minute. Auf wiedersehen, unterhosenkopf!

Best of luck with the next dude,
the DW

Dudefile #54 - Will He Only Date Asian Women?

Hi DW,

first off, love your site. it's hysterical and helpful.

now down to business. there is this guy who is in my circle of friends who i am in crush with. he's cute, fun, can have a conversation, isn't adverse to wearing a wig for a costume party. in short, a great package. i like to think of myself as the same. the only issue is i'm not asian and he tends to date asian women. he is not asian.

my question is - when a guy has a 'type', will he ever date outside of it?

thanks so much and have a wonderful day!

k

Hi K,

Okay, so the answer here really is "Sometimes". The DW can't remember if he's already mentioned this one dude roommate he had way back when, but that dude was all about some boobies. Actually, not boobies- cans. Actually, not even cans, jugs. Jugs are bigger than cans, right? Anyway, he was into the largest breast size possible, pick your favorite slang. All the women he dated had Yooge breasts. The woman he married had Yooge breasts. Never once did he get drunk and/or curious enough to go one iota sub-watermelon.

But, you know how Anne Hathaway got all angsty and kookypants for Rachel Getting Married and critics fell all over themselves saying it was the best work she'd ever done? Sometimes dudes are like that with women. They find themselves oh so gently fondling a small pair of boobies instead of a big pair of boobies and they're like, "Ah! Where have these tasty morsels been my whole life?" Going against type can turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. Think Alec Baldwin dropping the brooding leading man bit and letting himself be funny. In fact, the DW strongly encourages branching out from what you think you know you like because you're probably wrong if you've never done some comparison shopping.

In the case of this dude, the DW thinks you should consider him in play. If he's as solid as he sounds, he'll be open to going out of the narrow preference zone of Asian women. And if not, then maybe he's not so cool after all. Yes, dudes, including the DW, have ideas about what they like in a woman physically, but when a dude can't stray at all from a certain race or enormous canjugboobiebreasts or whatever the fixation is you start to get into territory where you have to wonder how much of the dude's motivation is strictly directed by fetishizing a characteristic. And that's a little dehumanizing and weird.

Best of luck with the dude we'll assume for now is not an Asiaphile.

Have fun,

the DW

Dudefile #53- What Are The Rules These Days?

Hi DW,

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read my email. I know by now you must be in more demand than ever, so thank you for this selfless duty you do for smart, yet helpless women everywhere. Second, any chance we might soon see something in print?

Ok, so here's my situation. In the 5 years that I've been out of college, I was with a guy for nearly the first 4 of them. Our relationship was very easy...we dated for about a month before we were exclusive, moved in together after just half a year, and spent another 3 years together before breaking up on mutual and friendly terms.

That was about a year ago, and since then I have been dating frequently, but nothing that has surpassed the 2nd or 3rd date mark. I have now been dating a guy for about 2 weeks, and I'm really, really into him.

Here's how that story unfolds: We "met" on Match.com about 3+ weeks ago. He emailed me before leaving on a 10 day boys trip to Hawaii, we exchanged emails for everyday that he was there, and when he got back, we arranged a date for 3 days later on a Wednesday. The first date went well and was immediate followed by a second date the next night. Before the date ended, he asked me for a 3rd date for the following Wednesday, but then asked me the Sunday prior to come over and watch a DVD. Heavy kissing, but no major action while we watched the movie.

By Wednesday (our 4th "date"), we hooked up...3rd base, no penetration...and he asked to see me the coming Monday (I hope I'm not making this too confusing to follow). We caught a movie 2 hours later than planned and then I called it a night since he had to be up for work in 4 hours. Before the night was over, he asked when I was available this week, to which I answered Friday, and we set what would have been our 6th date in 2.5 weeks.

The next day, he texts me to say that he has to cancel on our date because his friend is moving to SF on Saturday, and Friday is the only night she is available to be seen before she takes off due to other farewell dinners with friends. I said I understood, to which he said "Thank you :p", but no offer of a rescheduling. He always makes sure to schedule our next date before the last one has ended, and this is the first time he's ever cancelled, and he's doing so 4 days in advance. All in all, the chemistry and compatibility seem to be great. Following all the "rules", I haven't brought any attention to his intermittent contact, been "too" available or pursue him, never nag about where we stand or are headed....all that stuff, blah blah blah.

Now, from start to finish and being generous by including our email exchanges as part of the courting stage, we're talking about just over 3 weeks of interaction. He's only ever called me once in the 2 weeks he's had my phone number, preferring to text me only. When asked why he was still single and on Match, he answered that girls and friends call him difficult because of his need for independence and autonomy and that most girls can't handle it. He's an only child and has never lived in a house with roommates. I know he likes his personal time and space.

Now, I've read all the books...He's Just Not That Into You, two books from the Venus/Mars collection, and at least 3 other carbon copies of the former...but I can't figure out what's going on here?

Is he just "not that into me"? After a few months of using Match in 2 attempts (split up when he met girls the more conventional ways and dated them for no longer than 5 weeks), he closed his account the morning after our latest date...the same day he cancels on me. Do I read this as him thinking he's found someone worth dating regularly? Or as him giving up on this as a medium for finding eligible dates? He did mention prior that he would be closing it soon, so it didn't come as a surprise. Is him cancelling on me without rescheduling his gutless way of hoping I'll "get the hint"?

Or, is this the way normal and healthy relationships tend to progress? What's the protocol these days? Most examples I have of couples are those that met while in college, or those that developed something after a randomly hooking up at a bar/party. We haven't slept together, but he's seen me naked. I know it's not the "performance" itself that would push him away...maybe that I was willing to "perform" by date 4. Date 5 was great, I thought anyway. He was affectionate and exhibited PDA and all the signs that he's into me.

I don't know. I have no clue what's going on. My guy friends say that guys move sloooow and that it's way too early to expect more than he's given me. But my experience the last few years is that when a guy is into me, he's calling, making plans, and really trying to win me over. So what am I supposed to think about this situation?

Please help!! Thanks so much!!

KR

Hi KR,

So, the most fascinating thing to the DW about Jersey Shore is the weird understood code of ethics among Snooki and the gang. They have very specific ideas about what's “classy”, what is acceptable in the proximity of a “female”, how much boob is properly displayed by a corset inspired club dress. And although the criteria for these judgments are utterly lost on the DW and the rest of civilization, they police everything from diet to hair gel usage and essentially the show becomes this strangely confining and puritanical dance of manners. You know, in between folks punching each other in the face and stuff.

Now, the DW isn't suggesting that the rules you want to learn will lead to a Groundhog Day cycle of Gym, Tan, Laundry. But the parallel universe of the Shore is a cautionary tale about what happens when you get too focused on games and rituals and rules instead of stepping outside The Situation, er, the situation, and being the one to say, “You know, today is the day I put my foot down and refuse to get sh&tfaced at Karma and troll for dudes on steroids.”

In other words, the DW's general position on How The Game Is Played is this. Who cares? You don't have time to be held down by The Man, dig? The current protocol for when to return a call or which number of dates before you go for under the shirt boob or whatever is arbitrary and changes all the time, anyway. Why turn romance into a to-do list? To-do lists are for stuff like scooping the cat litter and vacuuming the couch, not how to be funny on a date or deciding if it's time to be exclusive.

Make your own rules about whether or not you and the dude are being decent and fair. Is he being a nice dude? Is he acting the way you, KR, would act towards someone you liked and respected?

In those terms, this dude seems pretty okay, right? Emailing you every day on vacation with the dudes in Hawaii is good. 6 dates in 2 and a half weeks is a healthy amount. Dude plans ahead for you which shows consideration. It's a compatible pace right now with the Journey to the Center of No Pants. And hey, if a dude opens a Match account the day he cancels a date with you, that's when you get worried, not when he closes one. (Most women who write the DW have exactly the opposite problem.)

So the dude canceled a date. It happens. If only we were all informed about canceled dates with four days warning and a perfectly legitimate excuse what a wonderful world it would be. This ain't exactly Pauly D you're mixed up with right now, y'know?

Hey, maybe this works out long term, maybe he is a precious only child type and it doesn't. But this isn't the moment that is going to tell you one way or the other.

Deep breath, babycakes. It's been 6 dates. That's reeeeallly early. After six dates the Wifey still had her profile up and half the DW's friends had no idea he was seeing someone.

You'll go out again. Enjoy the date, judge by your own rules, take it from there.

Best,

the DW

(PS- Thanks for the nice words! No set plans for anything in print just yet, but the DW is certainly taking all offers for spreading the genius.)

Dudefile #52 - What's Up With My Ex?

Dear Dude,

I'll try to keep it short.

Background: This guy and I broke up last about 8 months ago. I REALLY liked this guy, and the break-up was kind of a surprise. Needless to say part of me is still not over it, as much as I hate to admit it. I have since been in/am in another really good relationship, but this new guy is very different from my ex.

Well, by some weird series of events, my ex ended up at 2 separate parties that my roommate had, both of which I was not present for because I was either home or away with my current boyfriend. The ex said to my friend that I'd be "mad if I knew he was there" (which I'm not, just surprised) and that he "needed to have a talk with me."

I have not run into him yet, nor have we had a talk. It's been weeks. I can also ASSURE you that he is not into my roommate, so we can rule that out. However, I wanted to know what he had to say so I sent him a friendly text. He never responded. I know his number is the same. I know he still has my number. So what's up with ignoring me?

I know I should probably just let things happen, but what is going through this kid's head. I think it's really strange that he's been at my apartment (where he used to spend a lot of time!) yet I haven't been there, and he hasn't said a word to me about it. Is he waiting to talk in person? Does he just not care at all? I need a dude's opinion on this and you're the only one who really gives any kind of good advice.

Thanks dude!! Look forward to your response. Hope things are going well with you and yours.

M

Hi M,

Oh boy.

Well, the thing the DW has to tell you right off the bat is that dudes have no interest in “Talks” with exes. None. Zero. Ohf*cknoway. As you and your friends may have noticed over the years, dudes are often terrible enough having “Talks” with the chicks they're currently with. But exes? What's to be gained by that talk? When the DW goes to the dentist, all that drilling and scraping is at least to fix a cavity or make the ol' choppers look better or whatever. But a “Talk” with the ex is all drill, no reward. Kinda like watching The View.

Now, the above may sound cruel, but it really isn't. It's just practicality. If a dude perceives no reason for something, he has no interest. It's why the DW doesn't shave on Saturdays. Why on the blue planet Earth would he? In fact, you shouldn't even think of it as the ex dude “ignoring” you. Using the term ignore implies that not talking to you is not the normative state of affairs (if you pardon the intentional double negative). But that's exactly the state of affairs. You two just don't have lives that are intertwined anymore, that's all.

Now, as for the ex-dude saying that he thought you two should have a talk? Well, the DW would bet his favorite testicle that a whole lot of context is missing in the version of the story that made it to your ears. Not that your friend is lying or anything, the DW suspects she just didn't read the dude properly. Here's a guess at how it went down:

One- dude simply said something about how "[you] would be mad" about him being in the apartment as a way of acknowledging, or being a little self-effacing about, how it's, um, awkward! that he's back in this physical location that once upon a time was synonymous with being knee deep in your vagina. Dudes are territorial. He probably felt a little weird being on "your turf", even if that's not how you necessarily think of it.

Two- Then, in the course of a discussion with your friend, if any little thing came up about how you had been surprised about the breakup or how you still wondered what the f*ck he was thinking or how, yessir, it would indeed be hella uncomfortable if you two were in the same room this ex dude would feel compelled to say something like "yeah, we should have a talk" because it's the nice thing to say and about 912% easier to throw out there than trying to explain on the fly what the DW said above about how, frankly, your lives are none of each other's business anymore and there's nothing much left to say except "Fare thee well and best of luck in future endeavors."

Look, the DW is sorry for what happened to you. Getting blindsided by a breakup like that is a truly craptacular thing to go through and one that can take a heck of a lot more time to put behind you than the 8 months you've dealt with so far. But the fact is, you and dude are broken up now, everybody's moved on, and you even have a new boyfriend. Incidentally, anybody else see the problem that we're only getting around to mentioning Current Dude in the last paragraph? Rather than cluttering up your day with thoughts about what the ex is thinking or who he's boinking or anything like that, The DW would suggest you concern yourself more with what's going on in the head of the dude you're currently with. He's the one that should matter to you now.

Thanks for the well wishes. Here's to letting exes go.

Best,

the DW

Dudefile #51- Should I Have "The Talk"

Hi Dude!

I absolutely love your blog. I happened to come across it at a time when I am in need of some dude-ly advice. It's a bit of a long story, so I'll try to give you the shortest (but still accurate) version I can.

I have this guy. He and I have known each other for a long time and have been on-and-off "seeing each other" for about a year now. We had lost touch, but happened to meet up when I moved back to our city last summer and had some seriously amazing f*ckbuddy action. I was usually the catalyst for our meetings, though. He rarely called or texted, I usually was the one to be like "Hey... Let's get together..." And that's just how I thought it worked. He then ran off for a job working on a political campaign, and pretty much disappeared. I like to pride myself on being really good at such situations, the whole no-strings-attached-let's-just-have-fun-and-lots-of-sex thing, but this guy I just fell for. He's smart, cute, and really fun... Not to mention amazing in the bedroom. So, when this boy disappeared, I was pretty sad. There was no "Hey, I'm over it, let's not do this anymore", which I could have handled, it was just *poof* and gone.

All of a sudden, guess who shows up again this March: Yep, you guessed it, the boy. He was all "I shouldn't have treated you that way... It was a bit much for me, you seemed more into me than I was to you, but since I've been gone, I was seeing this other girl, and she treated me just like I treated you, and I realized what an a**hole I was, and you deserve SO much more because you're an amazing girl, and you deserve way better than me... You must hate me for what I did, but is there any way you'd give me another chance?" And being a nice girl, I did. It was rocky for a little while, but I made it clear that he was to work his booty off if he wanted anything from me, and he was pretty good about that, with a few hiccups. After the worst hiccup, I gave him a very VERY serious rundown of the rules he was to follow and now all of a sudden, it appears that I have "tamed the beast", as my lovely roommates have said.

The boy now calls or texts every day. He's super busy on another campaign, but he still makes the time to get in touch. We see each other every weekend, and I am taken out to very nice dinners (we're both huge foodies) and we still have that seriously amazing time in the bedroom. He holds me around my waist and kisses my forehead, even in public. He acts all boyfriend-y with me, and I am loving it. I even met the parents last weekend, and seemed to go over quite well with them. He continued to be touchy-feely, even in front of them.

So, get down to the point, right? Here's the question: What are we? Or what am I to him? I'm a bit hesitant to have "The Talk" with him because I don't want to scare him away again. I've been good about following my own rules and not over-texting him, and it seems to be working. He seeks me out now, not the other way around. I REALLY like this guy and would like to get him to commit to at least SOME level of exclusivity without a) scaring him away of b) ruining what we have.

He's taking me away next weekend for time at the beach, and I think that all of this attention and now a trip mean that he's got at least some intention of keeping me around. I know now that he responds well to rules and structure, but I don't at all want to have to enforce this, I want it to be something he wants just as much as I do. It seems like he does, but I'm afraid to ask. Help me, Dude!

Sincerely,

Wanting More

Hi there WM,

Now before we get to your situation, the DW hopes you don't mind if he says a quick how do you do to all the readers who have been kind enough to politely and justly ask where the hell the DW's been. There's confusing dudes out here, dude! Come on! They're killin' me! Seriously!

Short answer is that the DW's been busy out in the real world trying to start a business and traveling and fun stuff like that. A big sloppy wet kiss of thanks to those of you who have patiently waited for new posts and, in some cases, even checked in to make sure the DW and the Wifey were okay. We're fine. Great, in fact. I'll be shooting for about a Dudefile a week from here on, with other stuff mixed in as I can. We'll see how that goes.

But enough of the past. Onward to the genius!

Now firstly, and as a bit of an aside, the DW would like to throw out a quick word of advice about saying stuff like “taming the beast”, or telling a dude “the rules he is to follow”, or even that you, as you put it, WM, “have” a guy. However much those things might be true and/or deserved, it would be wise not to ever ever ever use them when the dude is around. He will instantaneously prickle up, make a turd face, and say something crass to reassert to anyone present that he's nobody's p-whipped puppetboy, thank you very much.

Look, even the DW, somewhere deep down in his wildly potent brain, is aware he is undergoing a supertopsecret Subliminal Taming Through Cleanliness and Presentability training seminar from the Wifey on a daily basis, he just likes to be allowed to pretend to himself and his dude friends that it's not happening. It's the DW's own idea to have a shoes off policy in the house. All his, got it? Keep the possessive/training language to girl's night mojito-tinis chatter at Sparkle's and life with dudes will be smoother.

That said, let's get to your question. And for that, the DW would like you to make picture in your mind. You are holding a slice of bundt cake. It's decent cake. Maybe vanilla with some nuts or something. Now picture that four feet in front of you on a table is an entire enormous three foot thick bundt cake of your favorite flavor. Coconut! The whole giant cake is still warm from the oven, slathered with a positively lascivious chocolate sauce.

Here's the deal, though. The big fat gooey chocolate coconut cake is on this little three leg table that's teetering. You have a choice. 1) Keep your vanilla slice and watch the big cake topple and splatter. 2) Toss your slice aside and lunge with both hands to try to save the big delicious hunk of indulgence.

Anyway, you get what the DW's saying. Yes, in this analogy, the big toppling cake you try to catch might end up on the floor. And all up the front of your shirt. And all down the front of your pants. And then you've got nothing to eat and you look like kind of a dope until you get a change of clothes. But it's still worth the shot, right? I mean, come on! If all you want is a slice of vanilla bundt cake you can hit any coffee shop in the neighborhood. Whatevs, brah. Bo. Ring.

Which is, of course, to say- Just talk to the dude already!

Look, usually the DW is pretty skeptical of giving a disappearing dude a second chance, but this one, by your account, seems to be making a pretty good go at being an honest stick-around I Actually Am A Better Dude Due To Recent Experiences boyfriend type this time. Well, one way to find out for sure. Have The Talk. Because really one of two things is going to happen. One, you have a commitment from the dude. Two, dude balks and runs away again as is, apparently, still his M.O.

Either one is better than now, right? Even if he runs away, at least you find out his deal and you can get on with giving your time to a dude who can give you more of what you want. Yes, you're risking some sweet hot boning action and some good times. But moving up the seriousness ladder never comes without risk, so there's no way to completely hedge against maybe scaring him off or maybe finding out you've always and only been a hot tangle of sheet sweets in his dude brain. And anyways, if you weren't anxious about the current state of things you wouldn't be writing the DW anyway, right?

Just talk to him. Be honest. Be direct. He's only a dude.

Best of luck talkin' The Talk,

the DW

Poll Results #48932

And now, the results from the latest super extra fancy DW Poll.

When I go to a movie on a date it is most likely to be _____

a chick flick the dude guts out. 0%

a dude flick the chick endures. 8%

a movie we both like. Duh, dude! 92%

As usual, thanks to all who participated. And the DW has got to say, this response just warms every last little nook of his shockingly sensitive heart. And here's why...

So, the DW and the Wifey were in Boise, Idaho recently. Land of potato “gems” and the World Center for Birds of Prey. There's one good breakfast joint and no motorcycle helmet law. Approximately 94.2% of all monetary transactions take place in a strip mall. Twenty miles out of town you hit a Next Gas 100 Miles sign. The suburbs are campgrounds and mountains.

So what? So this. During our visit the DW and the wifey met two women who were having a hard time adjusting to the hustle and bustle and congestion. Um. Huh?

Turns out the ladies were from Anchorage, Alaska. Land of snow machines and kids named “Track”. And in that context it kinda made sense. A town of 185,000 people, no matter how scattered about the valley, was way bigger and louder and faster than they were accustomed to. Meanwhile, coming from the Bay Area, where people are stacked on top of other people six deep and you could sell a refrigerator box for 200 grand if it was in a decent neighborhood near a BART line, the DW and the wifey found Boise only slightly more urban than a petting zoo.

So, what does this have to do with movies? Well, while there are just undeniably some movies that women are going to like and others men are going to like, the DW finds it encouraging that his readers end up mostly going to see stuff that both halves of the couple want to see when they go out together.

OK. Sure. It's just a movie. But really, although nobody but Liberace wants to date someone exactly the same as themselves, it smooths out a lot of relationship situations to have an outlook on life similar enough that when you come over the hill after a long drive and see Boise, Idaho one of you isn't thinking NYC while the other thinks BFE.

Here's to agreeing about Bruno,

the DW

Dudefile #50- Confused About Married Dude

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I met a really great (or so I thought) "dude" on a dating site. On our second date he decided to tell me that he (Queue intense music-bum bum buhhm) has a wife...that he has been separated from for only two months! And he says "I really like spending time with you but I know you want a serious relationship and I don't...I understand if you don't want to see me anymore....blah blah blah...I'm a big dumb jerk" ( I added that last part. He didn't really call himself a jerk. Though he might have been thinking it.)

So anyway, I decided that I really liked him and wanted to give him a chance....I thought maybe he was just a little scared being single again and that once he realized I wasn't a psycho (like his wife!) then things would be good. He told me the horror stories of his married life....how his wife would yell and throw things a lot, that she stopped being intimate and sharing a bed with him in the last two years of their six year marriage. He said he kept trying to make it work and that she was never happy.

She moved out a few months ago and according to him they have only seen each other once since then to do their taxes...pfft, whatever! So anyway, other then the married thing, I thought this guy was pretty great. He makes me laugh. He cooks for me. Compliments me. He is a great lover. He shows just the right amount of p.d.a. He holds my hand. Gently steers me away from puddles. Gives me messy chocolate croissant kisses in front of his favorite neighborhood bakery. Introduces me to his friends while fondly gazing in my direction....And lots of other adorable, gushy stuff that really seemed sincere and sweet.

We have been seeing each other for over a month now. He started calling me his "girlfriend" after a few dates. I stay at his place on the weekends. He stays awake talking....and other stuff. ;-) Things are great......BUT he's still seeing other women from the dating site!! He has been really open and honest about this but it makes me feel crappy. But I didn't want to give him an ultimatum just yet. I wanted to try and stick it out and be understanding....But I just couldn't take it anymore! It was driving me crazy! I was jealous! I started to wonder "When is he out with other women?" "Is he intimate with anyone other then me?" "Am I not good enough!?! It seems like he's looking for someone better!?!"

So I decided a few days ago that I should talk to him about it.....

I told him how I felt. And he said that he was in a "weird place" in his life, that he was "confused", and didn't know what he wanted. He said he wasn't ready to stop dating other women....even though he thinks I'm "great" and a "wonderful person" etc.

So we both decided to end things....I was more heartbroken then him I'm sure. And he said some pretty insensitive things at the end of the breakup, like "You're right. I am no good for you." "No offense, but I just never saw us being together long term...". THEN he suddenly said "Why don't we go for a bike ride this Saturday? We can go to the park! I'll come to you!"(I live in another borough then him. And you know how much NYC men hate to travel outside their borough!)

I was in a state of shock! Was there something wrong with his brain or didn't we just break up 5 minutes prior and now he was trying to make weekend plans!?!?

The icing on this breakup cake was that right after our conversation we shared an awkward last kiss before he hoped on a train to meet another woman for a date!!!!!!!! (Maybe that's just the icing in between because as my luck would have it....there's more layers!)

I have spent the last three days crying at the mere mention of his name, eating serious amounts of chocolate, listening to sad and then bitter love songs, and smoking way too many cigarettes in the rain while rambling on the phone to my friends about how much I am going to miss him.....and it sucks!

Today I was feeling a bit better. I resisted shedding tears. I didn't eat as much chocolate. I even cracked a couple smiles. Things were looking up!

And then he called me....

I didn't answer. He left a message.

"Hi. It's me. I hope you're well.....I just wanted to say that I had a great time with you on Friday!....I always have a good time with you........(his tone changes and he clears his throat) But I have been thinking and I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore. But I'd really like to talk to you in person about it...So give me a call back. I'll be around".

WTF does that even mean???

What I really don't understand is why he would want to see me "in person" to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore!?!?!?!?!

I only responded by text saying "Got your message. I agree. Good luck to you". My friends told me that was the best way to respond. Simple. To the point. Without being emotional. And I felt ok about it.....And then he sent me a response nearly eight hours later that said "Ditto. Thanks...."

I guess what I don't understand is....what is going on in this dude's head??? Does he like me? Does he not like me? Is he actually hurt? Or just trying to make himself seem like less of a jerk? Is he getting some sort of enjoyment out of calling and texting me just so I can be reminded of him and feel worse?? Is it possible that he realized that he screwed up what could have been something great with me? Or that he just doesn't know what he wants?

Maybe that's too many questions. I got a bit carried away...I'm just hurt and confused and thought maybe you could make some sense of all this craziness. :-(

Thanks,

"Shipwrecked and stranded on Confusion Island"

Hi Shipwrecked,

So, over the years the DW has seen commercials for toilet paper that have cartoon bears and friendly shopkeepers and smiling neighbors. The commercials call it 'bath tissue' and talk about its plush plies and superduper absorbing powers and soothing comfort. The stuff is like magical tufts of cloud. Smoother than unicorn fur.

But, really, when you take toilet paper back to your own bathroom, it's just something you hold in your hand as you wipe poop from your @ss after you pinch a loaf. That's it. And we all know it's gonna turn out that way. All that dancing cartoon bear junk is just something advertising companies do because it's a better marketing strategy than calling their product Low Grade Paper For Sh&twiping.

And so yes, this may be a slightly less artfully ingenious analogy than usual, but why are you trying to put cartoon bears on this guy? Because here's your product once you strip away all the advertising. Married Guy Who Is Openly Seeing Other People. You can try to sell that to yourself any way you want, but at the end of the day, dude is still married and dude is still seeing other people. Dude has said in so many words that he is not interested in anything serious even though you might be. Really, the DW has to say that there's not a lot for him to untangle here.

Look, is the DW saying this dude is acting like a prince? Not exactly. He shouldn't be calling you 'girlfriend', first of all, when he has no intention of treating you as such. And, it's a little tacky to talk sh&t about his wife so much. And sure, there's probably other stuff in there to criticize.

But, at the end of the day, the question has to be asked- how much should reasonably be expected out of this dude? Divorce is confusing and messy and painful and makes everyone going through it not exactly the best dating material. F*ckbuddy material, maybe. Knock yourself out if you want some of that Dude Hasn't Had A Good Ballrattling Bone in Six Years extra enthusiastic f*ckmania action. But don't try to date the dude before his papers have even gone through. The DW would say exactly the same to a dude friend about boning, but not dating, the wife.

And that's kinda it. All the other details about who called when and texted this and that are essentially meaningless. There was little doubt about the outcome of this escapade way back on the second date when dude revealed he was 1) married and going through a divorce and 2) not into anything serious. If you don't get up from the table and walk away at that moment, dude figures you're in for a whole lot of bone and he's gonna hang around as long as that keeps up.

Here's to your next dude being less married and more open to a girlfriend,

the DW

Dudefile #49 - It Doesn't Fit

Dear Dude,

I checked it out your blog and you chart in at bonafide awesome. Feel free to unsheath your expertise to annihilate my dilemma:

Ex-boyfried, "Brian" and I dated for a quick 2ish months sometime last year. We were big on eachother; cute in that rather myopic youth-driven romance kind of way though we never had sex. I was holding off because it's always been painful and Brian's umm, well-well endowed.

Though he initiated the breakup, it was amicable and, afterwards, and after other ex-girlfriends passed, we'd still get together, spend the night, and do pg-13 make-out sessions. When I moved away, I thought it'd be done between us. I tried to call him before I left but it was clear there was someone in the picture.

Several months ago, I recieved a voicemail from him asking me how I was doing, shit like that. I called him back and a nascent romance bloomed, via phone, where he'd gush about how much he loved me. I traveled to our home town to visit him for an extended weekend which was bad news as we got on eachother's nerves and ended things in terse, non-communicative terms. Personality-clash if you will. Also, and this is a biggie...I asked him to sleep with me and well, he didn't exactly 'fit' which sorta made him shut down emotionally.

Our last rendez-vous was the most confusing and this is where I need your help, DW. We planned to hang out in the afternoon. I made it clear--through limited physical contatct that I wasn't interested in anything pseudo-sexual (even though I am--I was just saving face.) After some time, Brian starts to make little physical, flirtatious gestures that, while I'm perfectly down with, seems to contradict his non-responsiveness of our last encounter. We do some 'platonic' (clothes on) cuddling but, because I'm horny, I start to umm, explore his body.

He's into it, touching and all that good stuff then he stops himself, says, "No, no, I can't do this..." (By all accounts, that is, personally relayed, he is single.) I'm trying my best to defer his anxieties as his internal conflict oscillates back and forth and eventually I'm successful. He starts to get back into it with an emphatic "Fuck it" and tears off my clothes. At this point I'm begging him to fuck me. Honestly, what sort of guy doesn't want that?

So here we are, H&H, and again, he won't fit-or at least, I think he won't fit. We tried, DW, seriously! Like last time, Brian totally shuts down, quickly puts all his clothes back on, gives me mine, won't even look at me, and pretty much ushers me out as quickly as possible. At this point, Brian's in manic mode--fumbling about the room, he can barely articulate a coherent sentence. I ask him to tell me what's wrong and he says, "I don't want to talk about it." I asked him if it's because he no longer has the hots for me and he says "no." but really, dude, what am I to expect when this kid won't have sex with me? Maybe society has taught me incorrectly, but I thought dudes always want sex and here I am ready to give it to him on a fucking silver platter, essentially no strings attached.

My question is, what the fuck is Brian's problem? I know he's had several partners and he told me himself that for him, sex isn't a big deal. Do dudes suffer some immense ego blow if they can't fit inside a girl? Does blue-balling lead to depression or manic emotional outbursts? As I was leaving he told me he didn't want to try anything (physical) because he "knew this would happen." Clearly, he was the one who initiated physical contact but I let the argument rest. At this point, it's not about getting that one chance to sleep with Brian, it's answering why he acts so distant, and well, honestly, crazy when we can't complete the performance itself. Is it some psychobiological thing? Can too much work make the pee-pee flaccid and turn dudes into some headless chicken (both literal and figurative, mind you) of a monster? Or am I missing the point entirely and the issue, at heart is one of (gasp!) emotional content?

-Fit the Facts

Hi there FtF,

So, apropos of nothing, the DW would like to offer one final comment about his dislike for the Wolverine movie because the wifey still thinks he's being way too judgmental about it. And actually, it's a comment not so much about Wolverine, but about The Hangover. The DW hasn't seen The Hangover yet, but the trailer has made him laugh aloud about a dozen times already. Clearly this is the fault of his balls. It's not that it's even that clever looking, it just hits every dumb dude joke zone. Solidly. And the DW laughs in spite of the more sophisticated parts of his brain. So, perhaps the DW needs to lay off Wolverine and just chalk it up to one of those films women like because they're women and you just can't consider it a reflection on their taste any more than you can hold a love of Fletch or Old School against a dude. It's the People Magazine of movies, basically.

But enough about that, Let's talk about this dude and his serious hogleg.

First of all, let the DW just say bless you for taking on this dude's elephant dong. The DW knows it can take some impressive resolve and some teeth gritting to make That fit into That sometimes. Which is why way more dudes than women want to explore the Magical Land of Unicorns and B&ttsex. And you have retained some concern for the dude, too, which can't be easy to keep in mind when it feels like he's trying to get you to give birth in reverse. But, it truly is a pain, albeit not quite as literally, for a dude to always be sorta going half speed or stopping early or amusing himself on the sidelines or however it works out that you resolve the gargantuan square peg in a round hole issue. Just some top shelf work you're doing over there.

Second of all, it's important to understand that you really haven't done anything wrong here. Look, you may have noticed there are some Dudefiles where the DW is sorta politely suggesting something like, “Duh. Dude left because A) he's a spectacular as^hole and B) you're clearly just as insane.” This is not one of those times. Maybe the DW could offer that this whole petting/sending stayaway signals/sometimes hot hooking up/stop stop stop go!/etc pattern is enough to short-circuit a poor dude's brain, but whatever. That's for another time.

Because here's the thing. A lot of your instincts are dead on. There is not a straight dude on the planet who doesn't want to hear you beg him to f&ck you. (Did the DW already say bless you?) And yes, dude is all over the no-strings pokey-pokey like the DW on pecan pie. So tasty! More please! The part that's weird is his reaction when his dingaling wouldn't fit in the hoo-hoo. Sure. At a moment like that there is grave disappointment for the dude. Maybe a brief period of recessionary deflation. Perhaps some questioning of the existence of a higher power. But does a dude shut down and put the clothes back on? Uh, not on the life of your sweet naked titties. Plan A doesn't work you go to Plan B, by god. And if enough of that gorilla log won't fit on your mouth you figure out Plan C. Then you try D. The original creative thinking of a dude trying to catch a nut is really just about the only thing the DW can think of that gets into the Stoner Trying to Accomplish Highness level of ingenuity.

So, no. This is not a normal dude reaction. You haven't done anything weird. Sexy and awesome, yes. Weird, no. A guess from the genius of the DW about this dude shutting down is that he's just really very self conscious about that canoe paddle he calls a d*ck because he's starting to wonder if he's ever in his life gonna get to have a full-on no holds barred hair pullin name callin nasty sweaty thumpadump session like the good lord intended (and like he's seen in a hundred youporn videos). Or, you know, if he's doomed to splitting the women he cares about in half like dry firewood. In his head, The Truly Prodigious C^ck just represents a lifetime of stops and starts and negotiations and slow head shakes and non-stop pains in the a&s. Something along those lines.

And this is really too bad and a little ironic. Most dudes are way too occupied with the size of their wieners for opposite reasons, which explains why the DW has to hear radio ads for “male enhancement” creams and boner meds at two in the afternoon on a Saturday during Giants broadcasts. And most of those dudes, even if they had the biggest widest Texas armadillo of a member in the world, wouldn't reduce it one centimeter to make it easier on their partner because so much dude ego junk gets caught up in their, er, junk.

Anyway, the DW is sympathetic to the plight of Mr. Tripod, but this rush to the clothes and ushering of you out the door sh#t is kinda f$cked up. The DW is never a fan of when people get so absorbed in their own precious problems that they forget how to treat other people with basic civility and fairness. In this moment, you could say that the dude lost his composure and acted like an enormous dick.

Hey, you're fine, baby doll. May your next dude have a dingdong exactly the size you like.

Best,

the DW

Dudefile #48 - The Emotional Distance Dude

Hi Dude,

 

So I've been dating this guy for almost a year now, and still never had "the talk" to put labels on or discuss where we're going.  Having come out of a very bad relationship before (that was abusive in every way possible), I was not ready to discuss things being "official" or for an actual relationship (no matter how great the guy) so although we have been in a relationship for a very long time, the fact that we had never discussed it made me feel like i was in a "safe zone" so to speak.  

Anyways, after Labor Day weekend we had our first minor disagreement, and the end result of that was that he said he wanted to spend more time together, spend whole weekends together, and really be more a part of each other's lives.  So now we are in full swing, many times he comes to the city Friday til sunday, and then week nights I take the hour train to his place 1 to 2 times a week.  Our friends have been integrated with each other, and we are invited to things as a couple now.  A lot of his friends, guys and girls, at separate times have told me in private that "he really likes you" and one guy even referred to him as my boyfriend a few times. 

But WE have still never had the "talk" or acknowledged what we are or what we are doing.  AND, he has still occasionally logged into match throughout the past year.  So last week things came to a head when I finally came to the point that I'm ready to let my guard down and actually DO this, and try a real relationship and see where it goes, no more dating at an emotional distance with my guard up.  So after seeing him log on match once more, I unleashed the beast on him, a year's worth of frustration and build-up, all the things he does that upset me, all the reasons why i'm frustrated, reasons why i'm unhappy and dont feel like myself in this relationship, and basically "what is going on, what is this and what are we doing?"  

A lot of my frustration and unhappiness stems from this being undefined, and so i felt like i couldnt let my guard down and be myself, if i was upset abt something, i would internalize it instead of talk to him, which is out of my nature, and also, w/out this being defined, i was holding back on who i really am in a relationship.  In a relationship, i like to leave cute notes, or cute cards, or do affectionate things, little surprises, but without ever feeling secure in what we were and where this was headed, I was only giving 65% of myself.  

The conversation that ensued was very difficult for him, he proceeded to tell me that "communicating" and being "open" are things that are very very difficult for him and things that he doesnt feel comfortable doing.  He said that he has had alot of loss in his life (lots of family members and friends have passed away), and his last relationship did a number on him, and basically he doesnt like dealing with emotions, and in fact, tries to "not feel emotions at all"...his exact words.  

He said over the past year its gotten worse.  He admitted that I'm the first girl he has dated seriously in 3 years and in the past, he dated a month or two here and there, but whenever the girl pushed for things to be more serious, he pulled away and ran.  In fact, he just overall is used to girls just wanting to be his girlfriend right away, so the fact that i wasnt ready for a relationship and never pressured or pushed him and made him feel like he was sort of "chasing me" a bit at the sametime, is a big reason why this lasted so long and he didnt pull away. 

I did some google searches on "emotional distance" and found several articles about fear of intimacy and overcoming it, I forwarded them to him, and he was very receptive to it and said he was interested in reading them.  Basically, the idea of having to be open and communicate his feelings makes him uncomfortable, and the idea of being emotionally vulnerable and dependent on someone else makes him uncomfortable.  And he even acknowledged that he knows we have both been dating each other with our guards up this entire time.   

End result of this conversation is that he acknowledged that he knows what he does and why he does it, but doesnt know if he can stop and open up and deal with emotions, etc. but that he wants to stay together and move forward and "try" to work on his issues.  He also said that he thinks there is the potential for a future for us, and that if he didnt, he wouldnt have dated me this entire past year.  I see the potential as well.  So we are moving forward together, taking baby steps, but putting labels on it seems to make him uncomfortable still even though he acknowledges this is a serious relationship.  

In regards to match.com, he said he wasnt using it to date, he only logged in to clear out the system whenever he would get emails.  And that he had no idea you could even make your profile private, and he made it private the very next day.  In regards to posting new pictures way back when, and in general, he said he views the site sort of the same as a myspace or facebook page.  I take this with a grain of salt, back in May he may have been still dating other people, but I dont think he is now at all, so I'm okay with the explanation. 

 

Right now, i feel like i'm walking on eggshells. still, I know I should focus on the fact that..he hasnt dated anyone seriously in 3 years, he ran from any girl that tried to make him commit in the past, so the fact that we've reached that point, and he wants to make this work, and "try" and change and be more open should all make me feel great, but it doesnt. After my last bad relationship, i'm not really in the business of wanting to "fix" men or change them anymore.  

BUT, I see massive potential with this guy, all the stars are aligning in terms of us being a great match, but with his fear of intimacy and openness and emotions, its hard to strengthen that connection.  I want to help him, but not sure how to.  My friends are telling me to be patient because to them its so obvious how much he cares for me and he's trying to be what I need to make me happy.  But without having the "girlfriend" label, I still feel a tad insecure.  He is my boyfriend in every way, is respectful, caring, dependable.  He bought my best friend a present on her birthday in October and totally took me by surprise.  And i'm trying to understand his perspective of feeling uncomfortable being emotionally vulnerable and open to someone else, but I can't.  Because i'm the complete opposite, I'm SUPER open and affectionate, and emotional, and wear my heart on my sleeve, and say how i feel, and I wouldnt have it any other way.  

My other girlfriend described the bf/gf labels thing as...its like having a marc jacobs bag, just b/c it doesnt say MARC JACOBS in huge block letters on the outside of the bag, doesnt mean its not a marc jacobs bag...which i guess is a good way of looking at it.  So I guess my question is, what is your take on all this and any suggestions or outsider perspective? 

Sincerely,

He's So Not Emotional 

Hi HSNE,

So the Dude Whisperer looked up a couple Marc Jacobs thingies after your note just out of curiosity since, you know, the DW's fashion knowledge doesn't go much further than names like Chuck Taylor and Fruit of the Loom and it's fun to see what the beautiful fashionable people are up to from time to time. He was a little disappointed, actually, that Marc Jacobs bags don't say MARC JACOBS on the side in huge letters, although these crazy sunglasses come close. Oh wait, this bag really does have the name in all caps. You stay classy, Marc Jacobs. 

Anyway, the DW likes your friend's Marc Jacobs, er, MARC JACOBS analogy, but doesnt quite agree. And here's why. While the DW does not consider himself a traditionalist, and is also one of those simple sorts who does not see any value in a 100 dollar t-shirt whether it says Von Dutch or Ed Hardy or Von Hardy Dutch Doo Da, he thinks there absolutely some value in labels like 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' or 'husband' or 'wife' or whatever the case may be because they are a public statement of accountability. They say to everyone, including the other half of the relationship, "This is what's up- we're committed. We mean it. That's the deal. Now you all know." Unwillingness to accept a label of some sort, and any label counts from 'gf" to the slightly businesslike 'partner' to the slightly TMI sounding 'lover' to whatever it is you choose, always makes the DW wonder- why not? What do you lose by committing to a name? Unless you're an exceptionally idealistic libertarian who simply can't be held down by The Man and His Naming Conventions you lose nothing...except other romantic options. 

So there's that. On the other hand, though, the DW can't help but notice that as much as you have now decided it's time for the label, the first paragraph of your note decribed how for quite a while you weren't ready to talk about things being "official" and that, actually, not talking about it put you in a "safe zone". In other words, given that you and dude have been operating one way for almost a year- and a year is a pretty long time to develop habits and ways of interacting and stuff, right?- and hadn't had much of a conversation about "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" until you got all medieval on his ass, it's not likely dude is gonna catch up to your way of thinking, like,  immediately. It would take any dude a moment to recalibrate.

But really, here's the thing about dude that it sounds like you're going to have to make a decision about. We'll give nervous Mr. Skitterpants the benefit of the doubt and assume he's not full of sh&t and just dicking you around. A year of his time and integration of friends seems to give credence to that assumption. However, this 'emotional distance' thing or wafflyness or intimacy p^ssyness, whatever you want to call it, is unlikely to fundamentally change. 

Yes, this dude may commit at some point. He may accept a label such as 'boyfriend' or 'my one and only honeypie'. But he is always going to be, at his essence, more skittish than you, more reserved than you, less open than you, etc. etc. Sure, you might be able to coax him into leaving cutesy notes the way you like to just as the wifey has somehow trained the DW to not to wear his favorite hoodie in public anymore because it is allegedly "kinda disgusting", but all the little behaviors in the world will not change The Type Of Dude He Is. Extroverts don't become introverts, Yankee fans don't switch to the Red Sox, gay men don't learn to love tittyf*cking, the DW will not stop loving his "kinda disgusting" hoodie, you are never going to stop being SUPER open and affectionate and emotional and wearing your heart on your sleeve, and this dude is never gonna be a  mushy demonstrative bearhuggin' softy of a fella. 

This is who you are and who the dude is. If you can live with that, great. Accept it, understand it will always and forever be part of an "opposites attract" and have excellent "opposite bone sessions" thing, as Carrie Prejean might say, and onward you go. If you can't live with his reserved nature, (and the DW would say the same to dude about your wide open nature) you should stop the car, cut the engine, toss the keys, and get out now. Trying to fundamentally change a dude will not work and will not end well. Know how crazy it's made you to hold back? He'll go just as batsh*t buts trying to summon the energy to emote all the time.

So, in that sense, forget about thinking in terms of 'potential'.  You've had a year to see this dude as he is. Use reality as your guide. On the one hand, he sounds like a pretty nice dude. On the other, that walkin' on eggshells feeling you get with him doesn't sound so nice. You have to figure out if the real, actual dude, warts and all, is what you want or not.

Best of luck with the dude,

the DW 

PS- As a final side note, HSNE, the DW would like to remind you and all the other readers to become a fan of the DW on Facebook here and follow his Twitter feed here. These are crucial steps to making this, and any other, relationship with a dude run more smoothly. A little dose of unmitigated genius in your day can only be good.