Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dudefile #58 - Should I Chuck Chuck?

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Please help me!

Here is the background info: I will be dating "Chuck" for four years this November. We started our relationship at two different colleges which were about three hours away then I transferred to a school 20 minutes away from him two years into the relationship. The relationship was going very smoothly at the beginning, then we broke up and got back together a month later. I left that school at the end of the year and transferred to another school about an hour away from him. I moved back in with my parents. The weird part was, I didn't mind moving farther away. I am only 21 and he is 22.

This is what bothers me: My parents bought a weekend home near the lake, about an hour and a half drive. My family and I (parents, siblings, and brother and sister in laws) basically go up every weekend to spend some quality time with each other. Chuck, if he is off work, bickers if i ask him to come along. He tells me "its stupid and a waste of money and time," which hurts my feelings because it's family time. My parents consider him part of the family. He refuses to go to the lake, refuses to come over to my house if my parents are or are not home. He refuses to spend time with my friends and he refuses to spend holidays with me. He says "only married people do holidays together."

I am trying very hard to get closer, but he doesn't want to. He flat out told me he doesn't want to show me more attention. His friends are not making it any better. They make fun of me, and Chuck does not stand up for me. He turns his back on me if we are at the bars together with his friends. He yells at me if i ask him to treat me to a drink. There is only one friend of his "Mike" that i like.

"Mike": A friend of mine, and a friend of his. I met Mike through Chuck two years ago. He told Chuck he wanted to meet me. When I first met him, he was nothing. Then we got closer. I was trying to get my best friend and him together, but long story short it didn't work out. Chuck and Mike and another friend were looking for a place to live together, but Mike decided to not move in with them. Mike and I talk in weird patterns. There are days where we talk all the time, or there are weeks where we do not talk at all. Mike and I discussed relationships a couple weeks ago. Mike is also 22. Graduating in December with a criminal justice degree. He spilled a lot to me. He is ready to start a relationship, and not a fling. He is ready to settle down. He grew out of his "drinking every night stage".

Pretty much, Mike is everything Chuck is not. Everything that I want in a boyfriend or potential husband. He is VERY family oriented, ready to grow up, going to graduate, loves baseball, he volunteers, catholic...the list can go on. He also asked me what I think his type is. I didn't know how to answer that question.

This past Saturday, I had two tickets to a major league baseball game. Chuck was working, and so was my best friend. So, I asked Mike to go with me. We ended up going together and we had a great time. We had great conversation and we laughed. He remembered I am going to be an Aunt, which I told him back in May. He asked me if my brother and sister-in-law thought of any names yet. Mike told me a few names he has picked out once he becomes a dad.

I have NEVER met a guy who knows his future children's names already. (He is not expecting a child anytime soon). Chuck doesn't even ask me about names for my soon to be niece. Mike asked me if i was close to my parents (which I very much am). I asked him why, and his response "just wondering." Why would someone ask that?? I told him a couple problems I am currently having with Chuck (attention, him yelling at me, not spending time with me, and losing the spark in our relationship). But Mike kept repeating, "you two are gonna get married." No matter what I told Mike, he repeated the same phrase.

After the game, we got a quick bite to eat, and then drove back to my house. We had a very awkward goodbye. We were basically just standing there and adding little comments about the weather and what not. Then I initiated a hug goodbye...Then Mike left and went home. I found out he texted Chuck apologizing about going, but Chuck told him he didn't care.

Now my problem: My co-workers and my sister all think I should be with Mike. He's my dream guy. But I don't know how he feels about me. I feel like i am getting brain washed by my co-workers because i tell them stories about Mike and I, and they all tell me Mike likes me. I show them pictures of Mike and they all think he's cute. (I'm the youngest one at my job. The average age of people at my work is 40). They all tell me break up with Chuck and go for Mike. I love Chuck, but I'm scared that the only reason I'm with him is because I'm too afraid and because it's the norm. Chuck and Mike have been friends since middle school. Recently they haven't hung out in a while. Mike told me Chuck needs to grow up. They are friends, but what should i do??

I don't want to be "that girl" that breaks up a friend ship. And i don't want to look like an ass if i break up with Chuck and go for Mike. I don't even know if he likes me. I like to think he does, but I really don't think so. I DON"T KNOW. Should i go for Mike? Should I just break up with Chuck because I'm not very happy anymore? Or should I stay with Chuck and try to work it out? Another part, i told Chuck everything that is bothering me about our relationship. He told me he was going to work on things. It was okay for a week or so, and it is slowly going back to the way it was. The sad part is, I have had little feelings for Mike since December. It is now getting towards Fall. I know it's not fair to Chuck, but I'm nervous and childish, and too afraid to be alone i think...
Please, What would you do if you were put in my situation?? Girls and Guys think differently, but i am just so confused and curious and frustrated.

-Young and Confused.

Hi Y and C,

Oh my my my. Where to begin?

How about here. Chuck sounds kind of like a serious c*ckface. If the DW had ever said something like, “Only married people do holidays together,” or that super precious “waste of money and time” bit when courting the Wifey, she would have dropped his a^s before the end of the sentence. And rightly so. Really, what kind of dude thinks it’s a good idea to let his friends make fun of his girlfriend for anything, let alone something as utterly unfunny as having the gall to have a stable relationship with her family? A c@ckface. That’s what kind.

So, yes. Break up with Chuck. Like yesterday. Two days ago. Last week. Look, you’re clearly over him anyway, so what are you waiting for? More validation from everyone you know? Okay, here’s more from the DW. Do it. Hell, he’s acting like such a turd wrestler he’s practically begging you to dump him. He’s not good enough. You’re not happy. And 1200 of the 1300 words you just wrote were about Dreamy Mike, anyway.

And ah yes, about Mike- Why would you not take a shot at him? He’s clearly at least a little interested right? Let’s take a look at how we know this.

One- As the DW has said before, dudes do not do things like go to baseball games with women unless they want into their underpants. Granted, you invited him, which makes it easier, but still. If a 22 year old version of the DW is going to a Giants game, he’s calling up his friend Tom, not a gal he has no interest whatsoever in engaging in a spirited round of Ding Dong Ping Pong.

Two- All that forlorn mopey stuff about you and Chuck definitely getting married is a pretty transparent lament, right? As in, what he’s really trying to say is Please Don’t Marry Chuck! I’m The One At The Ballgame Having A Good Time With You! Meaningful Conversation And A Nice Dude! Isn’t This What Women Want! Please, For The Love Of All That Is Right, Don’t Marry Chuck! Let’s Make Out!

Three- Mike texting Chuck to see if it was okay that he hung out with you betrays a guilty conscience, right? If Mike isn’t thinking about what you’d look like wearing nothing but socks and a smile, why check in with the boyfriend? Checking in is what dudes do when they want to date an ex that a friend is still hung up on or some other such stupid perceived territorial thing. There’s no territory in going to a simple ballgame, right? Not unless Mike wants to bone you from here to next Easter, there’s not.

Anyway, look. This one’s pretty obvious. Everybody you know, from coworkers right on down to the DW, thinks it’s time to make a move. And really, deep down, so do you. Just get on with it. It’s not as big a deal as you think. The DW knows that since you’ve essentially not been single in your adult life, having been with Chuck from ages 17 to 21, this feels like an incredibly naked thing. It’s not. Most of the rest of us don’t manage to string together four years of not accidentally peeing our pants until much older than you are now, let alone maintain any kind of halfway meaningful romantic relationship. You’ll be just fine. Finer than you think. Frankly, the DW suspects the hardest part will be to stomach just how in full stride Mr. Family Is For Suckers Chuckers takes the kick to the curb.

Be brave, Y and C. And best of luck with your shot at Dreamy Mike. Too bad he's already got baby names picked out. "DW" would be perfect for your first little boy.

Keep reading,

the DW


Anonymous said...

Glad you're back...where the hell have you been?

Anonymous said...

So delighted to see you back. Hooray! One small point - I think you meant Chuck, not Mike, in that first paragraph.

Thanks for continuing to share the wisdom.

Anonymous said...

So delighted to see you back. Hooray! One small point - I think you meant Chuck, not Mike, in that first paragraph.

Thanks for continuing to share the wisdom.

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com said...

Hi 6:38,

Thanks! The DW has been everywhere. And nowhere. But now he will be here. More regularly.

Hi 6:39,

Glad to be back, too. And thanks for catching the mistake. Already corrected. If there's one thing the DW has learned about blogging it's always make sure to call the right person a c*ckface.

Anonymous said...

To Y & C: I'm way older than you (40+) and believe it or not you will come to a time in your life when you will be perfectly happy taking an asshat like Chuck and um, !chucking! him out the door the very first time he disrespects you like that! I've been around the block more times than the average mailman and I'm telling you that that kind of behavior is just plain wrong. Simply put, he's a colossal ass. Mike sounds like a far better way to go (listen to DW about his motives for going with you to the game). Sounds like you sort of know most of this already, so YAY you! :)

Here is a third option for your consideration--it's perfectly okay to be alone for a while. Seriously. You CAN survive without a man. I've taken several breaks from dating at this point in my life (over 6 months at a time) and I'm still in one piece. I have fun. I have friends. I go to bars and sing karaoke and take road trips. As for the empty house, my dog is great company. I put my energy into taking care of myself and following my passions without any attachment interference, instead of into this kind of soul sucking drama. If I meet a nice guy, he's welcome to come along for the ride with me but I've been divorced for four years and it hasn't happened yet. Sure it's lonely sometimes but I'd rather be alone than wish I were because my man hurts me every time I turn around. I deserve better, and so do you!

Anonymous said...

I agree. Just dump him because he's a selfish jerk, not because you potentially have a cool dude waiting in the wings. If things work out with Mike, then that's awesome. If they don't, at least you're not with that a*#hole anymore. Being single is more than ok. In fact, I definitely recommend it since it seems that you've spent most of your adult life not single. It's good to experience both! Also, you're super young. There is PLENTY of time.

Wendy said...

So glad to see a post! Ding dong ping pong...I'm going to use that one.

Beauty Jackson said...

Welcome back DW!

Whether she goes for Mike or not, Chuck's gotta go. Having been there, sometimes the next guy can be a little less attentive when you don't have a boyfriend to divide your focus, so I hope she's prepared to be single just in case that shot at Mike doesn't work.