Thursday, May 29, 2008

Poll Results #8

And now for a look at what you said in Poll #8. Thanks again for voting.

Poll Results #8

What does your dad think of your current (or most recent) relationship dude?

Loves him – 10%
Hates him – 5%
Ignores him – 5%
Your guess is as good as mine, DW – 80%

For what it’s worth, the DW found out his wife voted for “Loves him”, which means two things. One, the DW knows how and what to cook for his father in law. Two, the answer “Loves him” is a statistical outlier just as much as “Hates him” and “Ignores him”.

Which leaves us with “Your guess is as good as mine, DW,” as the only real results to talk about. And what’s interesting to the DW about that is that dudes tend to operate on the theory that you ladies know what's going on a little more than this. After all, you keep track of so many more details than we do. When someone smiled, what they were wearing, word for word what that text message said, he leaned this way not that way, his friend said this, etc. etc. So much stuff! We kind of assume that not only are you gathering more information than us, but that you know how to use it. Turns out maybe not.

In fact, maybe too much information gathering is the problem. All those thickets of complexity are obscuring the essential facts. Look, dudes aren’t quite as simple as the old thing about food and boobies being all it takes to keep us happy. But it’s a good start. The DW would add that we like things to be simple and have a sense of justice or logic or purpose. And more boobies.

Anyway, the DW isn’t a father, but he has had some experience fretting over the gross-ass horny punk that will want to take his theoretical daughter out on a date sixteen years from now, so here’s a shot at what dad is thinking. You know that aloofness or non-committal nature you find confusing? Here’s why he’s like that.

Relationships have always been a mystery to your dad. Even his own. He’s still not sure how he managed to get himself married, he just knows he found this great woman and somehow he didn’t screw it up, apparently. Now he’s supposed to know how to act around his daughter’s relationship? Please. The only thing he knows for sure is that the boyfriend dude is intensely interested in finding out how much of a bendy straw his daughter can/is willing to be when they do a little naked ankle wranglin’. Just like he was with your mom. Ew! And Ew! How does a dude act in that situation? Well, sometimes he's able to act totally normal and grown up and accepting. Sometimes he just kind of awkwardly leaves the room because he has no idea what’s going on and in his experience he's just as likely to do something dopey as not so it’s best to leave the whole thing be for a minute.

Here’s to remembering that dear old doesn’t know what’s going on either,

the DW

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Dudefile #22 - Will My Dude Ever Be Clean?

dearest dude whisperer,

this is a question about my husband. he's perfect and great in many ways, but the fact is that we have very different standards of cleanliness. i'm super clean and he, well, just isn't. i knew this going into the relationship. before we got married and were living together, his bachelor apartment was just straight up dirty. i mean, he didn't own a vacuum cleaner!! or a toilet brush!!

now that we live together, he's gotten much cleaner and i can tell he is trying his hardest to live up to my clean standards. the problem is, i feel like i'm constantly nagging him about cleaning up. he'll do laundry, but only when i ask him. he'll scoop litter and vacuum, but only at my request.

he does all the cooking, which is great, but the kitchen is often a mess afterwards. he does the dishes, but there are always food scraps andcrumbs on the floor. like an onion skin at the base of the sink.

the thing is, when i visited his parents during the holidays, his mom's kitchen wasn't exactly the cleanest. there was even, believe it or not, an onion skin at the base of the sink!

is there anything i can do to make him cleaner? or am i destined to live in a slightly dirty home the rest of my life.

- your wife

ps. yes, that's right. this email is from your wife! it's coming from within the apartment!

Hi Wifey!

Dang! Called out on his own blog! You realize that readers might not think the DW is perfect any more because of this. I hope you can live with breaking all those reader hearts.

Anyway, your question is actually a good chance for the DW to reiterate the difference between wondering if a dude can fundamentally change versus if a dude can change his behavior. In other words, is the DW ever going to share your way of thinking about cleanliness? Uh, no. Can he learn to somewhat accurately predict what you might care about regarding cleanliness and act accordingly? Sure. Will he ever live up to your standards? Er, read on.

It’s like the classic toilet seat thing. A dude needs it up most of the time, but whichever way it sits at the moment is fine- lower it, lift it, whatever, back to the ballgame. A woman needs it down and cares that it’s that way all the time for a multitude of reasons dudes don’t quite get or, frankly, care about. Our viewpoint, to us, seems just as valid and logical and always will no matter how you want to argue the point, but we learn that the toilet seat thing fires you up a lot more than us and so we put it down because it just makes everything easier. We have not fundamentally changed into Toilet Seat Lowerers, we have changed our behavior so that we lower the toilet seat. Big difference.

So, the trick is learning to measure your dude, not against some magical transformation that is never going to happen, but against reasonable effort and respect.

Say there’s a scale of How Clean You Keep Your Apartment. It runs from 0 (Outright Sh*tting On The Floor Like an Urban Wildcat) to 100 (Daily Scrubbing of the Baseboards With a Sterilized Toothbrush). And let’s also say that before you and the DW moved in together his apartment was a 12 (Half a Roll of Paper Towels Is All That Separates You From a Hobo) and yours was an 85 (All That’s Keeping this Place From a 95 Is That the Building Is Old and Sh^tty and I Don’t Own It). Well, our current apartment is running no lower than 65 or 70 (No Shoes Indoors Which Is Good, But Too Dusty and Sprouting Wee Piles of Clothes).

Here’s what that means in terms of sheer proportion. The DW has undoubtedly lowered your standards a good 15-20 points. And for that he has no excuse. At the same time, however, he has raised his own standards a whopping 53-58! Way more change and sacrifice than you, wifey! Seriously, if you don’t think that’s enough of a difference that the DW’s friends are secretly talking about how they don’t even know who he is anymore, you’re nuts. The DW can hear the whispers all the time. He's been tamed! Of all people, him! What else goes on in that place? Does he sing her lullabyes each night and rub her feet with warm coconut oil? Just exactly how far has he driven down Pussywhip Lane? And can we ever bring him back?

Now, the mistake a lot of women would make at this point (and, in fairness, dudes make the same mistake on other issues), in the DW’s opinion, is to say- “Look, do all the math you want. The place is still a sty.” Cleanliness, like a billion other things in a relationship is a compromise. If you refuse to accept a reasonable, and the DW stresses reasonable, compromise you are essentially saying that your view is more valid than the other person’s and you’re not going to get a very understanding attitude in return. Maybe even outright resistance or dismissal. Look, if the DW was still keeping house like a Red-Assed Baboon? Inexcusable. But in reality, he’s changed the sheets more in the last year than he did in the entirety of his life pre-wifey. He spends a hundredfold more times tidying up than he used to and maybe five times more than he still gets the point of. And the kitchen is absolutely not a mess when he's done cooking. Maybe just the floor. A little.

So, how do you ask for your amount of compromise without being a nag? Well, first of all, it’s not nagging to remind a dude to do what he said he would do. And a dude should know the difference and if he doesn't you have the DW's permission to kick in squarely in the nuts because that goes right to basic accountability. The rest is mostly tone and that should really take care of itself if you approach the situation fairly and keeping all of the above in mind.

In other words, if you approach the dude thinking, Why is this place always such a f&cking wreck! He never listens to me when I tell him to do the laundry! you’re going to choose words and posture and tone that suggest he is as daft as the plot of a Rob Schneider movie and he will be defensive and weird whether he’s wrong or right or whatever just on sheer principle. However, if you approach the dude simply thinking He needs to be reminded to do the laundry, you’ll choose better words and come across evenly and he’ll do the laundry and that’s that. Remember, the goal is just that the laundry gets done, that's all. Also remember, the DW and most other dudes are not Stay On Top Of The Laundry people any more than they are Toilet Lowerers and will never be, at their core, altered to such. We can only learn to do the laundry and lower the seat as learned behaviors and, as wacky as it sounds from the other end of the spectrum, those things absolutely take as much effort as living with our mess and always will.

Anyways, to answer your question- Yes, by your standards, my dear, you are destined to live a slightly dirty life from here on out. The DW simply doesn’t perceive cleanliness beyond a certain point, no matter how he tries. You get to about 45 on the scale and it all looks the same after that. Those of you who can tell 67 from 73 seem like Eskimos talking about the different colors of white in the snow. So, sadly, you will have to somehow console yourself that the DW is an award winning pie maker, the best driver ever, a genius, freakishly good looking, and USDA World's Geatest Beefcake Sex Machine Ever. Among other things.

And, you're getting an honest effort about the cleaning, although it may appear sometimes that the DW never made it past the nine month old stage of fingerpainting with his own poo. By the DW’s standards, we’re living in a Pine-Sol commercial. Any cleaner and we could assemble microchips in this joint. This is why the DW always advises women to expect that if the dude starts a certain way, he will remain, fundamentally, a certain way. Cheater, shy, forgetful, whatever. If you truly can’t abide a certain flaw, you should get out while you can because, like a nick in a wooden tabletop, that flaw can be polished up and waxed over, but it’s never going away.

Thank goodness my onion skin ways aren’t a deal breaker for you. Uh, right?

Best of luck with your dude, er, me. Frankly, he sounds incredibly super awesome. See you in about two seconds,

the DW

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Dude of the Week! (#1)

[Welcome to the latest development in Dude Whisperer Blog Technology- The Dude of the Week. Each weekend the DW will be posting about someone of note who, for better or worse, makes you say “You are such a dude.” Enjoy.]

Dude of The Week – Robert Downey, Jr.

Sure, he’s the star of Iron Man, the biggest dude movie of the summer, and he could pretty much charm the pants off any woman the DW knows despite a long history of trouble with drugs and the law and fair to middlin’ movies. And true, somehow other dudes instinctively like him despite the above. But none of this is what makes him the inaugural Dude of the Week.

What does the trick is this – What’s his follow-up to Iron Man? Tropic Thunder. In that movie he plays an Australian actor who undergoes surgery to appear African-American for a war movie role. The Tropic Thunder role is potentially ingenious, juvenile, risky, utterly offensive- we'll soon find out which or all of the above. It’s also the kind of role only dudes sitting around with nachos, beers, and a bong could have come up with.

Tropic Thunder? For heading back to the couch with a brewski just as you made it to the top of the world, Robert Downey, Jr., you are such a dude.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dudefile #21 - Is He a Waste of Time?

Dude Whisperer,

Okay so there's this guy who I started talking to before me and my ex broke up. Once we did break up, I started hanging out with this new dude a little bit more. Now here is where he starts to get confusing. He doesn't want a relationship and yet tells me he doesn't want to stop hanging out with me. He tells me he doesn't want to like me too much and then tells me that he does like me too much. I just don't get him.

Also, another thing maybe you can explain to me that he hasn't is that whenever we kiss he is always pushing me away afterwards. It’s getting annoying. I'm okay with not having a relationship because I just got out of a long term one, but I want to at least know what's going on. If I am going to fuck this dude I want to know if he fucking anyone else. We haven't had sex yet only because I think that he is fucking someone else but not telling me.

Is he just a waste of time?


Hi BM,

A couple months back the DW and his wife went to see Lions for Lambs and you could tell it was a sh^t sandwich before the opening credits were over. One-dimensional characters, an idiotic plot, and dialogue that was stiffer than the eighth graders on MILF Island. The sheer vapidity of the first half hour took a year off the DW’s life. Seriously, if Meryl Streep, a story about the war in Iraq, and Tom Cruise as a Republican senator can’t even be accidentally entertaining, you have just entered the rarified air of John Carpenter's Vampires. And pooping yourself.

So, the DW and his wife walked out, right? Well, no. They kept thinking it would get better. It had to get better. Maybe it was a slow start. Maybe there was a great payoff for all this setup. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And in the end, all they got was an hour and forty two minutes of trite junk instead of thirty.

Which brings us to your dude. Is he worth your time? No. Honestly, he sounds confused and wacky and unless he’s the World Heavyweight Champion of Freestyle Cunnilingus or a billionaire with a three-hundred foot yacht or some such thing of your dreams, there doesn’t seem to be much reason to put up with him. If it’s just a good solid f*cking you’re after, ignore Mr. Pushaway’s calls, put on that dress that makes you feel sexy, go to your favorite dude poaching spot with a purse full of condoms and lube and let ‘er rip.

Because really, when was the last time you asked yourself “Is this worth my time?” and the answer wasn’t no? It’s not exactly the kind of thing that pops to mind halfway through a picnic in the park on a glistening fall day, y’know? It’s the kind of question that bubbles up when you have a sh*tty job or when those guitar lessons you’re taking just make you feel like a tone deaf klutz. Look, you don't want to get tangled up in whatever issues makes a dude do this inexplicable yes/no/push/pull/ nonsense. Not to mention it’s a terrible sign he was all hangin’ around while you were still dating some other dude. It’s not gonna get better if you wait it out. You’ve already decided about this dude. You just need to act.

Incidentally, the DW learned the lesson of Lions for Lambs and just last night, at the 37 minute mark, remorselessly ejected Dan In Real Life from the laptop. Maybe it would have become less of a self-congratulatory turdburger in the final hour. But, like your dude, it was a lot more likely to keep on being what it was.

One final note should you end up recreationally boning this dude despite his unworthiness, or if you find yourself in a f#ckbuddy type situation at some point in the future. While it may seem to make sense instinctively or seem fair or whatever, you don’t necessarily get to know who else a f^ckbuddy is f*ckbuddy-ing. That’s girlfriend stuff. Be safe and thick-skinned because unless it’s something you two expressly and specifically make an amendment to the Solemn F&ckbuddy Pact, just f^ckin’ is just f^ckin’. You or the dude want to run off and make Boob and Baloney sandwiches with someone else that’s your own delicious, delicious business.

Best of luck finding a dude you do get,
the DW

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dudefile #17 - Dad and the Shaved Head (Part Two)

[DW Note: Below is the follow-up note from the reader whose note became Dudefile #17 - Dad and the Shaved Head.]

You really have no idea what you're talking about. Thanks for the fucking lecture.

Dear Baldy,

So angry!

Well, sorry you didn't find the Dude Whisperer of much help. If you ever have a change of heart, though, the DW, like the Dalai Lama, holds no grudges and wishes only for harmony. Feel free to write back any time.

Best of luck with your dad and the other dudes in your life,

the DW

Friday, May 16, 2008

Dudefile #20 - The Lying Internet Profile

Hey DW,

Thank you for all the good you're doing. Really.

Here's what's paining me. Why is it not okay for a woman to post an out-of-date photo on her dating site profile, but if a man's profile photo is from back when he had a trim waistline and hair and neither situation now applies at all that's not a problem?

At least I looked to see if the fella I'm supposed to meet for a drink had posted anything new, so I saw a photo which has gone up since I agreed to meet him (although it is small, taken from a distance, and not the profile shot), and won't walk into the bar expecting one man and getting someone else much larger and shinier and having to cover my reaction.

Is it because we're expected to care less about looks and more about inner beauty? Is it because straight men are not as conscious of how they have changed as straight women and gay men tend to be? Does my caring mean that I am shallow?

Maybe I am. Certainly I am. And I do understand that men in my cohort (I'm 38), no matter how athletic they were as youngsters, are not going to have exactly that body anymore. Hell, I certainly don't; I may be the first woman yet to write to you who is not protesting her hotness (I don't hurt the eye, but I'm also not Hollywood quality). But I am scrupulously careful to put up an honest and recent photo (without makeup, even, and including cat: they might as well know the worst of it). It seems to me to correlate with honesty about oneself in general. So when a guy puts up an old photo and then in person is not at all what he claimed to be, how am I supposed to respond to that?

I bet I know the answer to this: if a man is actually aware that he doesn't really look like his photo anymore, perhaps he thinks if he puts up an honest photo, nobody will respond. But that's BS. There are plenty of women out there who are interested in heavier men, and bald ones (I sure am on the second point). Isn't it better to be up front with what you've got and know that the fish who bite are the ones you're really going to be okay with, versus putting a potential date in a really awkward situation where she has to say, gee, you're not what I was led to believe you are at all--and leading her to question your truthfulness on other matters? Because when I've talked to other women who've been through this, that's what they've all said: "if he's not honest about this, what else can I expect him to be dishonest about?" That is exactly how it reads to women. How do men not get that?Thank you for any insight you might have,

Frustrated in Oaktown

ps. I thought your response to Slutty in SF [DW Note: See Dudefile #5 - The Checkered Past ] was spot-on--at her age, fourteen partners ain't nothin' to worry about.

Hi Frustrated,

This one is pretty easy. As a woman, it’s a lot more important that you be attractive into your thirties than it is for a dude. He doesn’t need to be as forgiving about age and wrinkles and flab as you do, and that’s why it’s okay for him to fake you out with his pic a little bit.

(Joke. JOKE!)

Look, a dude should represent himself reasonably accurately in an online picture just like a woman should. There’s no separate set of rules about it being more okay for one gender or the other to duck into the Wayback Machine. Sure, it’s human nature to cherry pick the best looking moments in your life and post the black and white photo of you, hands on hips, deep in reverie as you look over Death Valley at dawn (even though you were in DV for all of seven hours on your way through to a conference at the Days Inn Fresno) over the one from your friend Sal’s birthday where you’re half-drunk, hugging that jerkoff who never called back, one eye closed, and hot dog in your teeth (even though it seems like your whole summer was half-drunk with some jerkoff at Sal’s with hot dog in your teeth). But if you’re dropping yourself a couple boxing weight classes and a Nielsen bracket, that’s just lying whether you’ve got a penis or not.

And speaking of gender equality on this issue, the DW would like to dispel one notion implied by your letter. The Comically Ridiculously Asinine Photo Of Laughable Accuracy (CRAPOLA) is hardly a phenomenon particular to dudes. The DW internet dated, too, and he can assure you there is no shortage of ladies who graduated from Photoshop University with a double major in Caboose Narrowing and Yearbook Poaching. This is just as exasperating and preposterous a phenomenon to dudes as it is to you. Just sayin’. And what’s funny about that is, wholly aside from setting a tone of lying, it’s a pointless exercise. There is no way to anticipate what a particular dude likes. Just as you are fine with the heavy baldies that might repel other women, Frustrated, a dude might prefer a little extra rump or have thing for smaller boobs or whatever it is a woman is trying to hide and thinks that, stereotypically, no dude desires. He might not. But he might.

All this said, the DW thinks you should stop worrying about being shallow just because you dare to assert that looks matter. They matter. To Everybody. If they didn’t, and attractiveness truly was based solely on accomplishment and personality, the DW would think about Terry Gross when he spanked it. Which he doesn’t, thanks for asking. Think of Terry Gross, that is. He only thinks about his wife. That’s his story and he’s stinking to it. Note to self. Stop typing about this. Now. Okay.

So why would a dude (or lady) put up a picture they couldn’t match in person? The DW thinks you’re on the right track: Dude figures that’s the way to get a response. It’s a Get A Foot In The Door strategy. Ever fudged a resume to get a job you really wanted? The CRAPOLA is the same kind of idea, only instead of maybe puffing up some details and adding “exciting opportunity” a couple extra times to the cover letter, as everyone does, it’s claiming you very nearly, back in ’05, cured diabetes on your lunch break. Which is too much. And a little crazy.

So yes, the DW thinks you are right to be seriously suspicious of the CRAPOLA practitioners. As your girlfriends say, What else is he gonna lie about? The answer might be plenty. Or, even if he’s not a liar (which the DW thinks he is) he must be either delusional or insecure about his appearance. And frankly, none of those three traits are the best to be throwing out there as a first impression.

One final caveat. For what it’s worth, the DW does think that there is a less liar-ish quality to the dudes (and ladies) who put up the faraway photos or the fuzzies or the neck-ups rather than the straight up ten years and twenty pounds ago nonsense. At least the faraways et al are technically accurate. Those dudes are probably way more on the “Jeez, I don’t look like I used to,” or “I can’t believe I’m putting my picture on the internet!” end of things and may deserve a little more of the benefit of the doubt, if you’re feeling charitable.

How do you react if this happens again? Sounds like you’re doing just fine. Don’t put up with it. Move on.

Best of luck finding a stand-up bald and proud knock yer socks off dude,
the DW

Monday, May 12, 2008

Poll Results #5 and #7

And now it's time for another Dude Whisperer Poll wrap-up. Thanks again for reading and voting. Here's what you said:

Poll results #5

You go out to a movie. The movie kind of stinks. Which redeems a bad movie the most?

Some serious man candy – 53%
A heart-tugging romance – 10%
Lots of good snacks – 37%

A dude goes out to a movie. The movie kind of stinks. Which redeems a bad movie the most for a dude?

Seriously hot women – 25%
Explosions and sh*t – 60%
Lots of good snacks – 13%

Okay, so this one was an excellent example of how the DW is a typical dude who probably believes way too many stereotypes. Heart tugging romance got 10 percent?

Not that the DW thinks the ladies are all weak-kneed and ready to swoon at the first sight of a strapping young lad on a screen who whispers sweet nothings and actually puts the toilet seat down, but he certainly didn’t expect good ole fashioned romance to be outvoted five times over by man candy. Man candy! And three times over by snacks! If the DW had known how a poll like this would turn out, he would have started pumping iron and deep frying years ago.

(Can someone explain to the DW what it is about the medium of film that makes man candy the runaway winner, though? Because it doesn’t seem to work that way elsewhere. Like, there isn’t FHM for women. And porn is about 99.999999999999999 percent geared towards dudes. Is it just that the DW is defining ‘man candy’ in a different, more pectoral-centric way than a woman might?)

On the other hand, the DW readership had a pretty clear idea about the dudes. Explosions and sh&t was the runaway winner and was easily what the DW and most of his dude friends would have chosen. Sure, seriously hot women will get a dude’s attention in short order. Always have. Always will. There’s a reason the DW can’t walk twenty feet, even in superlefty S.F., without seeing a fake boob on a billboard or sign or phone booth or sticker. That stuff works. But the movies are still the place for explosions and sh%t. No helicopter or tugboat blows up quite the same way elsewhere as it does on the big screen.

And here’s the other thing. It’s probably exactly because the world has been carpeted with fake boobs that the movies aren’t the place for seriously hot women. Maybe thirty years ago, when Playboy was still scandalous and a Farah Fawcett poster could cause a sensation, a movie could draw some dudes with Bond girl cleavage alone. Now? Please. You can type “Ornithology” into Google and find cleavage. Porn is practically mainstream and starlets develop their allergies to underpants at a younger and younger age. Why waste some quality explosion time at the theater on more of the same?

Poll results #7

What European country do you find most annoying?

England – 18%
Germany – 9%
France – 30%
Italy – 15%
One of those other little ones – 27%

So, yeah. This one was a little off topic. Basically, the DW still had Euros on his mind after his Vietnam vacation.

See, it turns out they don’t travel any better than Americans – not that many Americans in Vietnam weren’t as “Ugly” as the stereotype, just that the Euros were no less privileged and colonial - and the DW was retroactively p^ssed off for every time he’s had a German coworker or met a Frenchman at a friend’s house or shared a beer with a Brit and, without protest, listened politely like a guilty oafish clod from the States to all the usual condescending talk about how we funny Americans drink huge sodas and must be simpletons because we think football, er, soccer, is boring and all the rest of it with the implication being that Euros are more classy.

Well, at least in the situation of traveling in Asia they’re not more classy and so the DW planned to write a 9000 word diatribe covering topics such as Colonialism, Cultural Relativism, Race, The History of the Entire World, and Why Do Euros Have Such Dumb Lookin’ Fashion. But that’s not really what you’re here for is it, dear readers?

And anyway, the DW cooled off and decided he wasn’t really up for trying to defend America against countries who have universal health care and sensible drug laws and, yeah, well, you get the idea.

Thanks for voting, anyway, though, and for giving France another in a centuries long line of Most Annoying awards. The DW is sure the French roll their eyes and turn up their noses in your general direction.

Until next time, best of luck with your dudes and your Euros,

the DW

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Dudefile #19 - Flushing Away the Sh#t

Here’s a note the DW received last week:

Hi DW,

I was rummaging through Craig’s List today looking for some relationship advice/ rants and raves. I came across this funny yet all to true quote you may want to use some time.... "When the toilet is full, you flush it. Flush the shit out of your life and move on." I don't know who wrote it, but I thought it was such an appropriate quote for some of us ladies to hear and know. I know its similar to the horse shit quote you used earlier which I love so much. Hope you find this random quote useful. Keep up the amazing blog!

-Flushing away the shit

In honor of Fats, the dear reader with the unfortunate initials, this Dudefile is a double dip about poo flushing. Because really, for all the elementary genius the DW likes to dispense, sometimes the answer really is as simple as tapping the handle and setting the swirly in motion. And the great thing about metaphorical poo is that, unlike actual poo, you can control whether or not you have a clean break or whether you sit there and wipe and wipe and wipe...

And now back to your regular DW format:

Dude Whisperer,

Hmmm... Where to begin. I’ll just ask/tell u a little sumthin. Basically, I've been seein this guy... Found out he's married and has 2 boys, but I've known him since I was 15 (now I'm 18). Anyways, we've been gettin into lots of fights, mainly cuz of him obviously bein jealous. He threatens me that he can also do whatever he wants, if I don't stop goin out. I just don't get y he's so jealous all the time, when he sleeps with a different woman (his wife... Hmmm mayb other women too...) each night. I mean imagine how that makes me feel?! Whenever I bring up his wife, he gets all defensive. but the thing is, after everything.. I'm still into him...But why does he act the way he does???

On the Blackberry

Hi OtB,

Why? Because he’s a dipsh%t who treats women like garbage. He cheats on his wife and expects you to just shut your trap and be a piece of as*. And the list probably goes on. Run away. Immediately. Don’t answer his calls, his texts, his emails, his howling at the moon, his smoke signals – just cut him off . The toilet is full, fair OtB. Flush away and let Mr. Center Of The World find his own way through the sea of poo in which he has chosen to swim. There is nothing to salvage here, unless you crave heaps of abuse, lack of commitment, an alphabet of STD’s, and a possible cameo on COPS.

Also, if he’s at all older, it’s superextra creepy that he basically waited it out til you were legal and then made you one of his mistresses. And the DW says mistresses because you are right to think you’re not the only person with whom he’s playing Get to Know My Little Adulterous Friend. He’s game for any young lady that says, “yes”. Or, “maybe”. Or, “That’ll be forty bucks,” for all we know.

Now, if you want to know the bigger why which is how does a dude end up being such a jerk, the DW could speculate all day. Maybe his upbringing was rough, maybe he’s got some psychological problems or substance problems, maybe he was just plain old born a jerk like Stampy or Gene Simmons. But, for your purposes, really, who cares? You are not the person that will solve this. You’re just not. Flush, flush, flush. The end.

One final thing. The DW doesn’t know how to take the word ‘threatens’ in the context of your note, but if this married douche playboy as^clown threatens you about breaking it off in a way that makes you even the slightest bit uncomfortable, get some help and advice from professional people who know about self-defense or sexual predators or something like that. Threats are not to be taken lightly. Seriously. No joke.


Here’s to you finding a nice normal 18 year old boy with whom you can do nice normal 18 year old things,

the DW


LOL. Love the dude whisperer bit. Here's my deal, dude. I'm a science grad student very interested in my professor. Based upon his pupil dilation, facial expressions, and where his eyes wander when I am near, I have an idea that he might possibly be interested too. Sometimes I catch him staring at me in class.

However, he has a wife who is in a wheelchair, and although I am not so naive to think that they cannot have some kind of sex life, I yearn to give to him wild passionate nights. Heck, I'd even be happy to be a third with both of them.

My prof is so intelligent, kind, and freaking hot, that I can't help having these feelings for about 2 years now. I would never want to break up a family, but if my significant other was in a wheelchair, I'd want some good loving.I wish there was some way to be discreet and eat my cake too.

I just want to push all of those bottles off of the desk and make hot scientist love.....Ive seriously tried but can't stop thinking about him.So whisperer dude, what's your advice?


Hi there Winky,

Look, of course a professor is going to find a grad student age woman sexually attractive. So did Eliot Spitzer and Gauguin. So does the DW. So do all dudes. That’s why crap-ola like Maxim somehow sells enough copies to stay afloat month after month even though it reads like it’s edited by a red-assed baboon.

But that’s really here nor there. While the DW does appreciate your spirit of giving with the offer to be a third, and aside from the fact that, necessity being the mother of invention and all, The Prof and his wife have probably worked around, with, over, and under the wheelchair in a lot more exciting ways than you or the DW have yet to consider, the real advice is this- Stop It. No off-hour bout of Tuck the Test Tube in Lab Coat is worth f&cking with the dude’s family. Seriously. You sound like you know this already. You do, right? (All you other readers are rolling your eyes by now, yes? Please?)

If you really want some hot scientist love, assuming such a thing has been empirically proven to exist, go find a scientist grad student and hump him within an inch of his life. Dude’s just sitting around with a gridded notebook and a Mountain Dew Game Fuel distinctly not getting laid. Hell, make him role play as The Prof if you must. Experiment like you scientists do. Student dude will probably be so confused and grateful he’ll do anything you want.

In reality, Winky, your case is less dire than most of the other poo flushing emails the DW gets in that you haven’t yet plopped yourself into a sh&tty situation. The only poo is in your mind at this point and all you have to do is flush away your own diabolical thoughts. In the immortal words of Rob Schnieder, “You can do it!”

Here’s to you being nice to the married lady,

the DW

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Dudefile #18 - The Confusing F#ckbuddy

Hey DW,

So this is kind of involved, but I'll try & give you the short hand version:

I have a friends with benefits situation with a guy I met about 6 months ago. We met after both of us ended a long term relationship and while getting to know each other, we kind of agreed that we weren't ready for anything serious. Since we really did enjoy each other's company though, it kind of evolved into a f*ck buddy agreement. Which is great for me since the sex is amazing, and we're both very busy people. My issue is that over the last few months, things have gotten kind of weird and I'm not sure why.

The first two to three months of this agreement was great. We had amazing sex, we chatted online almost every day like friends do. We would work around our schedules & end up at his place for the said mind blowing sex. We keep weekends free to hang out with our friends separately, and things were going along fine. We discussed not having any other similar agreements set up with anyone else, and if we were interested in someone either dating or for sex, we'd respect each other to let the other know. It was a great set up. The snafu came when one day out of the blue he gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. He literally told me flat out that the reason why we weren't progressing wasn't because of me, but because he wasn't sure what he wanted, and wasn't ready for something serious. I was blown away.

You have to understand that while we hung out often, usually at least a few hours before actually doing the deed, we were never remotely close to being relationship-ish. We didn't hold hands, we didn't make out, we didn't cuddle while watching movies on the couch. We hung out, joked around, got food together, shared a few laughs & then retired to the bedroom to have awesome sex. Sometimes he'd ask me to stay over, and if I do, I'm usually out of the door before he even has a chance to hit his alarm clock. There were no mixed signals about anyone getting attached in this situation, so for him to say what he did really boggles my mind. I replied in Sesame Street style that I wasn't looking for anything else other than what we had going on already, and if he was okay with that then we can drop the subject, if not, then we'd need to discuss this in further detail. He dropped it, and since then he started being distant. We'd still hook up, but it wasn't the same, and we didn't chat quite as often anymore.

Fast forward to the past few weeks, he has taken to calling me almost daily and having hours long conversations. While I enjoy his company & chatting with him, I have no idea where this is coming from. The last few stay overs has resulted in him getting me a toothbrush, cuddling & spooning while sleeping, and he's involving me in more things in his life. He's asking to spend time with me on the weekends now, and has suggested we take a trip together. I've never been so confused in my life. What is it exactly that he's trying to tell/show me here? Please help.

So Confused

Hi So Confused,

The DW was trying to think of a movie where a dude dresses up like a woman to reference at the beginning of this answer, but the only ones coming to mind are Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, and White Chicks and the DW is damned if he’s gonna talk about any of those turdbombs, especially since the only one he actually saw was Tootsie and that was 73 years ago. Well, except to say that White Chicks is the only ‘comedy’ in the DW’s lifetime whose trailer looked for all the world like it was advertising a horror movie.

The reason the idea came to mind is that you’ve got a role switching situation here. Based on stereotypes, life experience, and the empirical evidence of reader letters, the DW has concluded that if one person in dude/woman f-buddy arrangement like this is going to fail to keep the hot boning separate from the precious feelings it’s super waaaaay more likely to be the woman. Which, depending on how you look at it is either a credit to women or not. But your dude is the exception. Which is bad luck, really. Statistically speaking, there was a much higher chance of him getting hit by a gay lightning bus. Unless, you know, there were extenuating circumstances like him being a virgin or a programmer or a Ren-faire serf or something.

Now, if this dude was a woman he’d be accused of laying a ‘trap’, as if he’d plotted out charts and diagrams and calendars in a dimly lit basement, setting an elaborate plan in motion that culminates in the perfect post-homemade-dinner cuddle on the couch that finally renders you powerless to resist his sincere overtures of commitment. But, yeah, probably not. The dude probably just realized at some point that he was daydreaming about more than just the new and exciting angles from which he might grasp your boobies. And that was weird. So he started acting weird.

The main evidence is this. No dude in an f-buddy arrangement does all this touchy feely involve you in his life kinda action your dude does. If anything, a dude can’t find enough ways to keep you from being involved (see Dudefile #14 – The Arrangement) because he’s positively scared to death of somehow mucking up the f*ck only nature of the situation. Having an f-buddy may not be that hard for a woman to work out if that’s what she wants- as always, the DW has no idea about women. But for dudes? No-strings, repeated sex happens about as often as cicadas. Or the Year of the Monkey. It’s the stuff of our direct and uncomplicated dreams. Hell, half the reason we have more elaborate dreams like being NBA players or rock stars is because those would put us in position to get back to the direct and uncomplicated dream of no-strings repeated sex. So, this dude IM-ing you all day? And, of all things, getting spoon-y? Well, that means he’s either strikingly dumb or getting attached.

Here’s how the DW thinks it went down. This dude didn’t necessarily realize how much hanging out and chatting and IMing you two were doing in addition to the Hide the Underpants dance. Then one day he looked up from his desk and said, “Holy crap! We spend a lot of time together!” And he gets worried for the reasons above. He’s mucked it up! He’s blurred the f-buddy lines! And this causes a moment of choice. What choice, you ask? The Am I In For a Relationship Choice. Cue chanting horror-movie apocalyptic choral music.

But now you’re saying, So Confused, “Hey, let’s just back up a minute here, DW! I caused no choice! We were just getting’ it on! Isn’t that what you jerks want!”

And you’re right. It is what we want and you caused nothing. This dude just figured things wrong all on his lonesome. Dudes just have a real distrust that women can be f-buddies. You know how women think, and often rightly so, that dudes have a natural predisposition to resist commitment? Dudes labor under the assumption that you crave it. Like sugar coated crack with whipped cream and People magazine on top. So, this dude thinks he has painted himself into a corner by acting all boyfriend-ish and thinks that he has to either poo or get off the proverbial pot. Am I In For a Relationship?

Clearly, he chose yes. And actually, his actions say he had already chosen some time ago he just hadn’t realized it. So, like one of those poker dudes with icky facial hair and supersmooth shades, he went All In.

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, you are doing all the right things by acting according to the terms of the Geneva Casual A#s-Sharing Conventions and this dude is doing a world class crap-ola job of communicating what he wants and making all kinds of assumptions on your behalf. If you get Sesame Street on his ass and he still calls every day? Well, when does a dude actually call every day except when he’s as# over heels in deep smit or trying to get in your pants? And he’s already in your pants. The trip and the calling every day and the toothbrush seal it for the DW that this guy is no longer gonna be work-able as pure wiener. If you want to take on a boyfriend, you got one. Otherwise, you’ll probably need to cut this off and seek a dude who’s not pining for anything above your shoulders.

Incidentally, the DW loved how you handled this whole thing, in case he didn’t make that clear enough. Aboveboard and straight ahead. It’s what every dude in the world knows how to handle. Er, except for this one.

May your next dude not be so problematically emotionally available,

the DW