Dudefile #5 - The Checkered Past

Dude whisperer-

First of all...my best friend sent me your link and I think you are not only ridiculously funny, but spot fucking on. I have three older brothers and you certainly know what you are talking about.

So...on to my question....one for the ages I imagine. I am 27 and to even my own surprise, have slept with a few more people than I had expected to at this point in my life. I haven't had many serious relationships, 3 months is the longest to be exact. It isn't that I'm afraid of commitment, I simply just see things for what they're worth. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, but when I figure out that I'm not attracted to someone in the long run I bail pretty fast. What's the point of wasting mine and someone else's time if I can't see waking up next to them in six months? Anyway, I've slept with 14 people. That's kind of a lot for a girl. I think. Especially for me, who comes off as the all-american/good girl type.

SO....the real question...I'm dating someone that I like a good amount and I could see it getting serious. The last time we were together he asked how many people I'd slept with and I weaseled out of it with a joke and we were pretty drunk, but I don't know if that will work the next time. So I think I should lie...but what is a good number to say? I don't want to be too deceiving, but I think his jaw would drop ten floors if he knew.

Were you honest with your wife? She you? What is the protocol on this? I've never cared enough to lie or even consider it.
Looking forward to your answer.

Thanks!Slutty SF Girl :)


Hi Slutty,

So, the DW’s brother has been meaning for years to finally write down a list of all the movie conventions that drive him bananas. You know, like Tying Someone Up Instead of Just Goddam Shooting Them or The Totally Unfunny Wisecracking Hipster Sidekick Who Can Hack The Pentagon In Seven Seconds. His absolute all-time biggest peeve, though, aside from The Foghorn Leghorn Crappiest Southern Accent Ever is when one actor plays twins. It’s a stupid and lazy enough idea to begin with, but the extra kiss of death is that it always falls to shitty actors who alternately over-scowl or over-preach depending on whether or not they’re supposed to be the ‘good’ or the ‘evil’ twin at that moment. Double Impact starred Jean-Claude Van Damme, not Meryl Streep, as you’ll recall.

Anyway, your letter brought to mind another movie convention. The Tortured Checkered Past. Not that it’s an inherently bad concept. It’s worked in plenty of films of varied quality from Casablanca to The Bourne Identity. But when the Past is neither Tortured nor Checkered, you just get, well, you sleeping with 14 dudes. Big whoop.

As you can tell, 14 is hardly slutty to the DW. In pure math, that’s one dude every eight and a half months since you were 18. Whatever. If the DW was Suddenly And Inexplicably Transported To Another Body, to use another terrible movie conceit, and the body was, say, that of a 27 year old single woman, he’d have sex 14 times by the end of this post.

Second, in general, the DW believes what you each did in terms of sex before you met is your own business, unless one of you used to be a porn star or nail donkeys or something that might be responsible to reveal. There’s no such thing as retro commitment and a grown up dude oughta know it. If your current dude wants to take it personally about your previous dudes, that’s a little silly.

Now, the thing about all of the above is that we’re talking about normal stuff like your number 14. Your dude should be able to handle normal stuff. But what if your number wasn’t 14, it was 76? Or 48? Or 29? Do you still tell the truth? The DW will always have a stubborn bias towards truth (since you ask, the DW and his wife are always honest about stuff like this, though it tends not to come up much), but maybe there is a point where you start getting all Arthur Andersen on his ass. We don’t have to figure that out in your case, though.

Here’s where you do lie, though. If your dude is dumb enough to ask you to assess him, you know, as numero 15, don’t tell him #7 had the best shaped wiener and #11 was the most attuned to you, and #12 taught you this awesome little twisty thing where you kinda lift this and put that over there and, like wow….No. Feel free to adjust or omit those details as you see fit. You don’t have to go over the top and tell the new dude he’s way better than he is- he already thinks that- and you don’t have to act like you just happened into 14 of the worst lays on the planet before him, just, you know, be smart. Don’t let him think he’s competing with some previous punkass dude from your past. Sounds ridiculous, but trust me- it would really eat at him to think he was.

Incidentally, the DW is a big fan of your ‘can I see myself waking up with this person in six months’ test. Practical. Ethical. Efficient. It may not have seen it’s last quotation around these parts. Slutty’s Six Month Wake-Up Rule. It’s got a ring to it.

Glad you’re enjoying the blog so far. Best of luck with your new dude. May you make it to month number four,

the DW

PS- Incidentally, the lying all changes with those older brothers of yours. With them, feel free to lie yourself back to virginity. Forever. If you ever have a kid tell them it was immaculate conception. Deny, deny, deny. They'll appreciate it. Trust me.