Dear Dude Whisperer:
So as much as I know how to solve the problem I am posing to you, I need to be reassured that all the answers point that way. Particularly the male's response. Sorry, not to use for your sex, but yeah, that is pretty much the reason.So I have dated this guy, who I have known for about a year. Off and on though because at different points in our lives we decided to get into separate committed relationships. Anyhow, ever since we first met he made it clear to me that he did not want anything serious. At the time, I was hoping for something serious, but like it has been done by many women before, I convinced myself that I was also looking for something casual.
In any case, we dated casually. We would see each other quite often and even go out on nice dates like a couple, so to speak. Before we separated to get into committed relationships, we were not having sex. Just the casual making out. Anyhow, we took break from each other because he wanted to be bf to this girl who turned out to be gay. So they break up and then he calls me. Here I am the rebound girl, obviously. This second time around the real sex comes into play. We got back into the routine we had when we first met. Seeing each other often and hooking up. Then I decide to be gf to this other guy I was also seeing at the time. The other guy and I end up breaking up and in hopes saving the "relationship" with the first "great hook up dude" I call him. Unfortunately that failed: he said we should move on. So I moved on.
However, every now and then we would text each other to catch up. We finally got together a few weeks ago to catch up in person. Turned out to be cool. I definitely felt chemistry. But, once again, he made it clear he can’t be in a serious relationship. We ended up making out, but no sex. Still, I feel this urge to want to get casual again. He has even mentioned getting together to catch up and pretty much hook up every once in a while. As PHYSICALLY tempting as it sounds, I think it is not a good idea. I feel chemistry and as much as I want to believe I can handle it, the chemistry there makes me feel otherwise. I have done casual and can do casual, but not with someone that I actually like. Still, by not giving in, I'd be assed out on getting any.
Talk about a fucking recession dude whisperer: I'm basically celibate now by force. I'm not sure what I am asking for. I think I have been ranting more than actually asking for help. Still, do you have any advice on what I should do? I mean if I want something serious should I even consider the casual? Why is it that he could have a serious relationship with someone else and not with me when I feel like there is more than casual likeness between both of us?
Not getting any...even casually, right?
Dear Not getting any,
There's a Chinese joint across the street from where the DW’s wife works that has a really fantastic noodle soup for, like, three bucks or something crazy like that. Huge bowl, enough for two meals, and the word that everyone uses to describe it is zesty. “This soup is so damned… zesty.” Turns out it also gives you a huge headache.
Thing is, because of the value and the zestiness, everybody in the shop kept trying to attribute the headaches to just about anything but the soup. It was only a coincidence. The weather. The customers. The dusty ducts. Tight underpants. Whatever. Finally, as she picked up a bucket of soup for the seventh day in a row, one of the coworkers asked the restaurant the question that everyone in the shop already knew the answer to. “Um, do you guys use MSG?” And poof! The headache denial was over. Of course they used MSG. Probably enough to give a bowl of peat moss some zest. Nobody really even tried to act surprised.
In other words, yes, you do already have it figured out. This dude’s had a ton of chances to take you up on the idea of getting serious. He’s had a separate relationship in between hookups with you and seen you be serious with someone else. If none of this has caused him to look at you differently, it’s probably never going to happen.
As for what you should do? Let me put it this way. The DW’s wife still goes to the Chinese joint every now and again. But, when she does she asks, “Hey, anybody want anything from the MSG joint?” That is, if you go back to this dude, don’t kid yourself one ounce about what it’s for- zestiness and a headache. The Chinese joint is not going to wake up one day and decide to be Chez Panisse. It just isn’t.
Regarding your other question, the DW has no idea why this casual dude wouldn’t want something serious with you. It’s a question for that particular dude rather than about dudes in general. Maybe think of it this way- Surely you’ve left a dude in a similar position, right? Dude liked you, thought you got along, but you just weren’t feeling it so you kept him, in one way or another, at arm’s length? Some people just don’t work, even when one of them thinks it makes a whole lot of sense.
One thing that’s confusing to the DW about this situation is what the reasons were for having sex sometimes and just making out other times. The DW doesn’t know any dude who would stop at making out if getting laid was on the table barring some extraordinary circumstance. Nervous about losing his or your virginity, maybe. But other than that it would almost have to be some Old Testament style locusts and fire and blood and serpents kind of thing. Is it possible you were the one pushing the hooking up way harder than he was? A dude could hook up even if he wasn’t that into it, especially if it was the easiest way out of a situation. We can be gross that way.
Whatever the case, you’re not celibate by force. You’re celibate in terms of this one dude. If it’s bothering you that much, go to your favorite bar and make some other dude’s week. He’ll take you up on what you’ve got in mind.
Best of luck with the dudes,