Dudefile #19 - Flushing Away the Sh#t

Here’s a note the DW received last week:

Hi DW,

I was rummaging through Craig’s List today looking for some relationship advice/ rants and raves. I came across this funny yet all to true quote you may want to use some time.... "When the toilet is full, you flush it. Flush the shit out of your life and move on." I don't know who wrote it, but I thought it was such an appropriate quote for some of us ladies to hear and know. I know its similar to the horse shit quote you used earlier which I love so much. Hope you find this random quote useful. Keep up the amazing blog!

-Flushing away the shit

In honor of Fats, the dear reader with the unfortunate initials, this Dudefile is a double dip about poo flushing. Because really, for all the elementary genius the DW likes to dispense, sometimes the answer really is as simple as tapping the handle and setting the swirly in motion. And the great thing about metaphorical poo is that, unlike actual poo, you can control whether or not you have a clean break or whether you sit there and wipe and wipe and wipe...

And now back to your regular DW format:

Dude Whisperer,

Hmmm... Where to begin. I’ll just ask/tell u a little sumthin. Basically, I've been seein this guy... Found out he's married and has 2 boys, but I've known him since I was 15 (now I'm 18). Anyways, we've been gettin into lots of fights, mainly cuz of him obviously bein jealous. He threatens me that he can also do whatever he wants, if I don't stop goin out. I just don't get y he's so jealous all the time, when he sleeps with a different woman (his wife... Hmmm mayb other women too...) each night. I mean imagine how that makes me feel?! Whenever I bring up his wife, he gets all defensive. but the thing is, after everything.. I'm still into him...But why does he act the way he does???

On the Blackberry

Hi OtB,

Why? Because he’s a dipsh%t who treats women like garbage. He cheats on his wife and expects you to just shut your trap and be a piece of as*. And the list probably goes on. Run away. Immediately. Don’t answer his calls, his texts, his emails, his howling at the moon, his smoke signals – just cut him off . The toilet is full, fair OtB. Flush away and let Mr. Center Of The World find his own way through the sea of poo in which he has chosen to swim. There is nothing to salvage here, unless you crave heaps of abuse, lack of commitment, an alphabet of STD’s, and a possible cameo on COPS.

Also, if he’s at all older, it’s superextra creepy that he basically waited it out til you were legal and then made you one of his mistresses. And the DW says mistresses because you are right to think you’re not the only person with whom he’s playing Get to Know My Little Adulterous Friend. He’s game for any young lady that says, “yes”. Or, “maybe”. Or, “That’ll be forty bucks,” for all we know.

Now, if you want to know the bigger why which is how does a dude end up being such a jerk, the DW could speculate all day. Maybe his upbringing was rough, maybe he’s got some psychological problems or substance problems, maybe he was just plain old born a jerk like Stampy or Gene Simmons. But, for your purposes, really, who cares? You are not the person that will solve this. You’re just not. Flush, flush, flush. The end.

One final thing. The DW doesn’t know how to take the word ‘threatens’ in the context of your note, but if this married douche playboy as^clown threatens you about breaking it off in a way that makes you even the slightest bit uncomfortable, get some help and advice from professional people who know about self-defense or sexual predators or something like that. Threats are not to be taken lightly. Seriously. No joke.

Flush!

Here’s to you finding a nice normal 18 year old boy with whom you can do nice normal 18 year old things,

the DW


Hi,

LOL. Love the dude whisperer bit. Here's my deal, dude. I'm a science grad student very interested in my professor. Based upon his pupil dilation, facial expressions, and where his eyes wander when I am near, I have an idea that he might possibly be interested too. Sometimes I catch him staring at me in class.

However, he has a wife who is in a wheelchair, and although I am not so naive to think that they cannot have some kind of sex life, I yearn to give to him wild passionate nights. Heck, I'd even be happy to be a third with both of them.

My prof is so intelligent, kind, and freaking hot, that I can't help having these feelings for about 2 years now. I would never want to break up a family, but if my significant other was in a wheelchair, I'd want some good loving.I wish there was some way to be discreet and eat my cake too.

I just want to push all of those bottles off of the desk and make hot scientist love.....Ive seriously tried but can't stop thinking about him.So whisperer dude, what's your advice?

Winky


Hi there Winky,

Look, of course a professor is going to find a grad student age woman sexually attractive. So did Eliot Spitzer and Gauguin. So does the DW. So do all dudes. That’s why crap-ola like Maxim somehow sells enough copies to stay afloat month after month even though it reads like it’s edited by a red-assed baboon.

But that’s really here nor there. While the DW does appreciate your spirit of giving with the offer to be a third, and aside from the fact that, necessity being the mother of invention and all, The Prof and his wife have probably worked around, with, over, and under the wheelchair in a lot more exciting ways than you or the DW have yet to consider, the real advice is this- Stop It. No off-hour bout of Tuck the Test Tube in Lab Coat is worth f&cking with the dude’s family. Seriously. You sound like you know this already. You do, right? (All you other readers are rolling your eyes by now, yes? Please?)

If you really want some hot scientist love, assuming such a thing has been empirically proven to exist, go find a scientist grad student and hump him within an inch of his life. Dude’s just sitting around with a gridded notebook and a Mountain Dew Game Fuel distinctly not getting laid. Hell, make him role play as The Prof if you must. Experiment like you scientists do. Student dude will probably be so confused and grateful he’ll do anything you want.

In reality, Winky, your case is less dire than most of the other poo flushing emails the DW gets in that you haven’t yet plopped yourself into a sh&tty situation. The only poo is in your mind at this point and all you have to do is flush away your own diabolical thoughts. In the immortal words of Rob Schnieder, “You can do it!”

Here’s to you being nice to the married lady,

the DW