Dear Dude Whisperer,
Scenario: We all meet in college. 'Alex' and 'Jim' are best friends. I start dating Jim but Alex and I also become best friends in the process. Jim and I break up...2 years later Alex and I still hang out-- go to dinner together, he is kind of always my 'date' when we are out with other couples, he knows my family, we also still hang out with Jim. We always claim (and my friends tell me I am naive when it comes to his feelings about me) we are just friends but now people are starting to commenting about how close we are and even strangers think we are a couple. I choose to ignore it.
The other night we go out, get a tad too tipsy, he always tells me he 'loves' me, how beautiful I am, I am his best friend--but tonight it's over the top and then we pass out at his place. We spoon and reaches over and kisses me on the neck. That's all. The next morning he pretends like nothing happened, the usual after a night of drinking.
Should I own up to the fact that there is something going on between us or can I just continue to ignore it and enjoy what we have? Is this a toxic relationship? We both actively date other people but all of a sudden I am feeling so confused.
I just recently came across your blog and have a question.
I met this a guy recently through a close friend, right away after meeting he would text and call me all the time, but by mid week he was kind of MIA, I asked him what he was up to over the weekend and he said "im going to snowboarding with a friend with benefits, I'll call you when I get back so we can hang out", should I be impressed by his honesty or should I walk away.
I have friends with benefits but im not announcing them to him or to everyone I meet. He called to hang out this week, but im wary, should I bring it up when I see him, if and when I do go out with him?
thank you !
Hi JF and RNP,
So, the DW hopes you don't mind having your letters posted in the first Dudefile threesome. Sit back and enjoy the two lady, one genius action. Cue the R Kelly. Light some candles. Aw yeah...
Reading your stories, the DW was reminded how any time he and the Wifey are on the way to buy something with a negotiable price whether it's a mattress or a motorcycle, the Wifey looks at him and says, “Now remember. You? Zip it.”
You see, unlike the Wifey, the DW is a truly terrible deal maker. Partly this is because he naively trusts that the people on the other side of the table will act in the same fair minded sympathetic genius fashion he does.
But mainly it is because he does not prepare. Buying things is not interesting to the DW so he does not decide what he wants and needs from the situation before he is in the situation. Then everybody starts talking bedframe details this and pillowtop details that and all of a sudden the DW is the Boca Raton Department of Transit trying to figure out how to clear 17 inches of snow from I-95 with six guys in flip-flops and two bags of sea salt.
And basically, that's the kind of foresight missing in these queries, right?
For you, JF, the short answer to “Are we just friends?” is, “You sure are.” You don't date, you don't bone. You just hang out like you do with your other, you know, friends. And incidentally, don't listen when other people say you look like a couple. They may be right, but they may be like the DW's grandmother who assumes that any two people of the opposite sex and same age who hang out alone must be “An Item”.
The real question is, “What do you want from this dude?” Do you want a friend? A boyfriend? A sexysecretblowjobfriend? You, like the DW on his way to buy a refrigerator, need to think about what you want, what you need, and what you absolutely will and will not settle for. Otherwise next thing you know you'll end up with some beige piece of junk that has too little storage space in the freezer and an ice maker you don't need.
Once you have a clear sense of what you're shooting for, yes, you should absolutely “own up”, as you put it, to what's going on. The DW is always in favor of being direct and honest when you're in a confusing situation with a dude. As always, dudes don't speak Hintish or Obtuseian.
Ask him what he means with all that drunkydrunk lovelove talk. Would he like to kiss your neck again? How about your sweet perky boobies? And you've got some leeway about how to phrase it. Look, this isn't exactly an I Have A Crush On A Dude In Science Class And He Doesn't Even Know I Exist situation where you have to summon the courage to approach some dreamy hunkzilla cold turkey. Seriously, this dude won't be surprised this issue is coming up unless he's criminally f&cking stupid. Talk to him. Clarify. The two of you can decide how to proceed.
And kinda the same thing for you, RNP. Whether you are impressed by or walk away from Mr. I'll Call You When I Get Back After Three Days of Bangin' the Everlovin' BeJeezus Out Of This Other Chick, depends on what you want out of the situation. If someone asks you, “Hey, it just snowed 19 inches in Tahoe. Should I go?” it helps to know if they ski. If they do, the answer is “Yes! Duh!” If, however, that person is like the DW and would rather skip the ski traffic and the ski cold and the skiing itself and stay home, spend a lot less money, and just pretend you sweated and froze your ass off at the same time in order to more quickly and comfortably get to the part where you enjoy hot chocolate and get busy making sensitive passionate love in a hot tub, then the answer is, "No! Why in the blizzardy world would you do that to yourself?"
Like JF, decide what you want. That will lead you to your answer pretty easily, right? If you want a serious bf or something, why would you even consider this dude? Is he admirably honest? You could say that. But if a dude is that immediately up front to one gal about another gal he's going to be playing Pants Around Your Ankles with all weekend with no committment, he's basically just said to your face he doesn't care if that scares you off or not because that's how he rolls, yo, and this ain't settling down and nesting time, sweetcakes, you dig? However, if what you want from dude is a friend with benefits, why not call him right now? He's eminently qualified. Instead of reading this you could be enlightening him on where you would like his dingdong to go next.
Here's to knowing what you want. Best,