Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dudefile #52 - What's Up With My Ex?

Dear Dude,

I'll try to keep it short.

Background: This guy and I broke up last about 8 months ago. I REALLY liked this guy, and the break-up was kind of a surprise. Needless to say part of me is still not over it, as much as I hate to admit it. I have since been in/am in another really good relationship, but this new guy is very different from my ex.

Well, by some weird series of events, my ex ended up at 2 separate parties that my roommate had, both of which I was not present for because I was either home or away with my current boyfriend. The ex said to my friend that I'd be "mad if I knew he was there" (which I'm not, just surprised) and that he "needed to have a talk with me."

I have not run into him yet, nor have we had a talk. It's been weeks. I can also ASSURE you that he is not into my roommate, so we can rule that out. However, I wanted to know what he had to say so I sent him a friendly text. He never responded. I know his number is the same. I know he still has my number. So what's up with ignoring me?

I know I should probably just let things happen, but what is going through this kid's head. I think it's really strange that he's been at my apartment (where he used to spend a lot of time!) yet I haven't been there, and he hasn't said a word to me about it. Is he waiting to talk in person? Does he just not care at all? I need a dude's opinion on this and you're the only one who really gives any kind of good advice.

Thanks dude!! Look forward to your response. Hope things are going well with you and yours.


Hi M,

Oh boy.

Well, the thing the DW has to tell you right off the bat is that dudes have no interest in “Talks” with exes. None. Zero. Ohf*cknoway. As you and your friends may have noticed over the years, dudes are often terrible enough having “Talks” with the chicks they're currently with. But exes? What's to be gained by that talk? When the DW goes to the dentist, all that drilling and scraping is at least to fix a cavity or make the ol' choppers look better or whatever. But a “Talk” with the ex is all drill, no reward. Kinda like watching The View.

Now, the above may sound cruel, but it really isn't. It's just practicality. If a dude perceives no reason for something, he has no interest. It's why the DW doesn't shave on Saturdays. Why on the blue planet Earth would he? In fact, you shouldn't even think of it as the ex dude “ignoring” you. Using the term ignore implies that not talking to you is not the normative state of affairs (if you pardon the intentional double negative). But that's exactly the state of affairs. You two just don't have lives that are intertwined anymore, that's all.

Now, as for the ex-dude saying that he thought you two should have a talk? Well, the DW would bet his favorite testicle that a whole lot of context is missing in the version of the story that made it to your ears. Not that your friend is lying or anything, the DW suspects she just didn't read the dude properly. Here's a guess at how it went down:

One- dude simply said something about how "[you] would be mad" about him being in the apartment as a way of acknowledging, or being a little self-effacing about, how it's, um, awkward! that he's back in this physical location that once upon a time was synonymous with being knee deep in your vagina. Dudes are territorial. He probably felt a little weird being on "your turf", even if that's not how you necessarily think of it.

Two- Then, in the course of a discussion with your friend, if any little thing came up about how you had been surprised about the breakup or how you still wondered what the f*ck he was thinking or how, yessir, it would indeed be hella uncomfortable if you two were in the same room this ex dude would feel compelled to say something like "yeah, we should have a talk" because it's the nice thing to say and about 912% easier to throw out there than trying to explain on the fly what the DW said above about how, frankly, your lives are none of each other's business anymore and there's nothing much left to say except "Fare thee well and best of luck in future endeavors."

Look, the DW is sorry for what happened to you. Getting blindsided by a breakup like that is a truly craptacular thing to go through and one that can take a heck of a lot more time to put behind you than the 8 months you've dealt with so far. But the fact is, you and dude are broken up now, everybody's moved on, and you even have a new boyfriend. Incidentally, anybody else see the problem that we're only getting around to mentioning Current Dude in the last paragraph? Rather than cluttering up your day with thoughts about what the ex is thinking or who he's boinking or anything like that, The DW would suggest you concern yourself more with what's going on in the head of the dude you're currently with. He's the one that should matter to you now.

Thanks for the well wishes. Here's to letting exes go.


the DW


jamie said...

my guess - he mentioned you to your friend by saying you'd be mad as a way of pointing out the elephant in the room, that it would indeed be awkward.

then he had to justify why you'd be mad, why it'd be awkward, and chose to verbalize that he knows he broke up with you our of nowhere, without enough explanation. ie "talk." he doesn't mean he WANTS to talk. he means he knows he should have. but doesn't want to. so he's not going to answer your texts.

he's just covering his bases. don't read too much more into it!

Wendy said...

Or maybe he said if you were both there at the same time, you'd have to talk, (or blatantly and rudely ignore each other) and, boy would that be even more awkward.

Wendy said...

Or possibly he meant that if you were both at your place at the same time, he'd have to talk to you (or else blatantly and rudely ignore you.) But yeah, the Dude is right. You're missing some context here.