Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dudefile #51- Should I Have "The Talk"

Hi Dude!

I absolutely love your blog. I happened to come across it at a time when I am in need of some dude-ly advice. It's a bit of a long story, so I'll try to give you the shortest (but still accurate) version I can.

I have this guy. He and I have known each other for a long time and have been on-and-off "seeing each other" for about a year now. We had lost touch, but happened to meet up when I moved back to our city last summer and had some seriously amazing f*ckbuddy action. I was usually the catalyst for our meetings, though. He rarely called or texted, I usually was the one to be like "Hey... Let's get together..." And that's just how I thought it worked. He then ran off for a job working on a political campaign, and pretty much disappeared. I like to pride myself on being really good at such situations, the whole no-strings-attached-let's-just-have-fun-and-lots-of-sex thing, but this guy I just fell for. He's smart, cute, and really fun... Not to mention amazing in the bedroom. So, when this boy disappeared, I was pretty sad. There was no "Hey, I'm over it, let's not do this anymore", which I could have handled, it was just *poof* and gone.

All of a sudden, guess who shows up again this March: Yep, you guessed it, the boy. He was all "I shouldn't have treated you that way... It was a bit much for me, you seemed more into me than I was to you, but since I've been gone, I was seeing this other girl, and she treated me just like I treated you, and I realized what an a**hole I was, and you deserve SO much more because you're an amazing girl, and you deserve way better than me... You must hate me for what I did, but is there any way you'd give me another chance?" And being a nice girl, I did. It was rocky for a little while, but I made it clear that he was to work his booty off if he wanted anything from me, and he was pretty good about that, with a few hiccups. After the worst hiccup, I gave him a very VERY serious rundown of the rules he was to follow and now all of a sudden, it appears that I have "tamed the beast", as my lovely roommates have said.

The boy now calls or texts every day. He's super busy on another campaign, but he still makes the time to get in touch. We see each other every weekend, and I am taken out to very nice dinners (we're both huge foodies) and we still have that seriously amazing time in the bedroom. He holds me around my waist and kisses my forehead, even in public. He acts all boyfriend-y with me, and I am loving it. I even met the parents last weekend, and seemed to go over quite well with them. He continued to be touchy-feely, even in front of them.

So, get down to the point, right? Here's the question: What are we? Or what am I to him? I'm a bit hesitant to have "The Talk" with him because I don't want to scare him away again. I've been good about following my own rules and not over-texting him, and it seems to be working. He seeks me out now, not the other way around. I REALLY like this guy and would like to get him to commit to at least SOME level of exclusivity without a) scaring him away of b) ruining what we have.

He's taking me away next weekend for time at the beach, and I think that all of this attention and now a trip mean that he's got at least some intention of keeping me around. I know now that he responds well to rules and structure, but I don't at all want to have to enforce this, I want it to be something he wants just as much as I do. It seems like he does, but I'm afraid to ask. Help me, Dude!

Wanting More

Hi there WM,

Now before we get to your situation, the DW hopes you don't mind if he says a quick how do you do to all the readers who have been kind enough to politely and justly ask where the hell the DW's been. There's confusing dudes out here, dude! Come on! They're killin' me! Seriously!

Short answer is that the DW's been busy out in the real world trying to start a business and traveling and fun stuff like that. A big sloppy wet kiss of thanks to those of you who have patiently waited for new posts and, in some cases, even checked in to make sure the DW and the Wifey were okay. We're fine. Great, in fact. I'll be shooting for about a Dudefile a week from here on, with other stuff mixed in as I can. We'll see how that goes.

But enough of the past. Onward to the genius!

Now firstly, and as a bit of an aside, the DW would like to throw out a quick word of advice about saying stuff like “taming the beast”, or telling a dude “the rules he is to follow”, or even that you, as you put it, WM, “have” a guy. However much those things might be true and/or deserved, it would be wise not to ever ever ever use them when the dude is around. He will instantaneously prickle up, make a turd face, and say something crass to reassert to anyone present that he's nobody's p-whipped puppetboy, thank you very much.

Look, even the DW, somewhere deep down in his wildly potent brain, is aware he is undergoing a supertopsecret Subliminal Taming Through Cleanliness and Presentability training seminar from the Wifey on a daily basis, he just likes to be allowed to pretend to himself and his dude friends that it's not happening. It's the DW's own idea to have a shoes off policy in the house. All his, got it? Keep the possessive/training language to girl's night mojito-tinis chatter at Sparkle's and life with dudes will be smoother.

That said, let's get to your question. And for that, the DW would like you to make picture in your mind. You are holding a slice of bundt cake. It's decent cake. Maybe vanilla with some nuts or something. Now picture that four feet in front of you on a table is an entire enormous three foot thick bundt cake of your favorite flavor. Coconut! The whole giant cake is still warm from the oven, slathered with a positively lascivious chocolate sauce.

Here's the deal, though. The big fat gooey chocolate coconut cake is on this little three leg table that's teetering. You have a choice. 1) Keep your vanilla slice and watch the big cake topple and splatter. 2) Toss your slice aside and lunge with both hands to try to save the big delicious hunk of indulgence.

Anyway, you get what the DW's saying. Yes, in this analogy, the big toppling cake you try to catch might end up on the floor. And all up the front of your shirt. And all down the front of your pants. And then you've got nothing to eat and you look like kind of a dope until you get a change of clothes. But it's still worth the shot, right? I mean, come on! If all you want is a slice of vanilla bundt cake you can hit any coffee shop in the neighborhood. Whatevs, brah. Bo. Ring.

Which is, of course, to say- Just talk to the dude already!

Look, usually the DW is pretty skeptical of giving a disappearing dude a second chance, but this one, by your account, seems to be making a pretty good go at being an honest stick-around I Actually Am A Better Dude Due To Recent Experiences boyfriend type this time. Well, one way to find out for sure. Have The Talk. Because really one of two things is going to happen. One, you have a commitment from the dude. Two, dude balks and runs away again as is, apparently, still his M.O.

Either one is better than now, right? Even if he runs away, at least you find out his deal and you can get on with giving your time to a dude who can give you more of what you want. Yes, you're risking some sweet hot boning action and some good times. But moving up the seriousness ladder never comes without risk, so there's no way to completely hedge against maybe scaring him off or maybe finding out you've always and only been a hot tangle of sheet sweets in his dude brain. And anyways, if you weren't anxious about the current state of things you wouldn't be writing the DW anyway, right?

Just talk to him. Be honest. Be direct. He's only a dude.

Best of luck talkin' The Talk,
the DW


Anonymous said...

welcome back!!

jamie said...

DW, I've been looking for signs of life on this blog every once in awhile since June, and when I noticed just now that the recent blog post said January, I totally did a double-take! Welcome back, you've been missed!

And Wanting More, just talk to the dude. DW is right - if he's going to bolt then it's better to know now then later.

jamie said...

Correction - July said...

Hi Jamie,

Thanks! It's nice to be welcomed back. This time around, the genius will flow uninterrupted. Like the DW said in the post, he'll be shooting for about a Dudefile a week with maybe some other content sprinkled in as things come up.

Keep readin'! Tell a friend who needs dude interpretation/advice.

the DW

Wendy said...

Glad you're back; I first noticed it on Twitter. Good post.

Anonymous said...

Let me add to the congrats on returning to the blog . . . glad to know that the world is safe for confused girls once more. Bring on the dudeliness!

Rachel said...

I'm so glad you're back! Your advice is really great. I was hoping to have students read your blog next time I teach my college seminar on relationships and I'm glad to see your back in action. I think you give better relationship advice than any syndicated columnist I've seen.

San Fran Girl said...

DW-first, let me add how happy I am to have you back. These many months have been bleak and lonely without you!
Second--I'd like to add a teeny, tiny comment to your advice this time around. I totally agree that the female in question needs to have 'the talk' with 'the guy'. BUT! I spent years having the talk incorrectly and want to share my advice for the best way us girls can have this talk.
Do not begin the talk with any sort of demand that you get to call the guy 'boyfriend', that you want a commitment from him, that he cannot see other people... you get the drill. (Perhaps, DW, you can explain why men inexplicably recoil from the 'boyfriend'?)
Instead, try this approach: Say something along the lines of 'So, what are your thoughts on me seeing other guys? I'm just curious. Would it bother you if I did?'. Then stop talking. I'm serious. I don't care if the guy hangs up the phone, has to go to the can, or claims he late for his enema. Leave the ball in his court and wait.
If the guy is into you, he will eventually get all broken up and beg you not to ever show your boobies to anyone but him and have his very own idea that HE should also abstain from seeing other people and can he please have a commitment from you?
For me this has a %99 success rate. One guy-a real bachelor type-even picked me flowers and gifted them to me along with a heart felt request that I be his girlfriend. Also, my current husband still thinks our whole commitment thing was his idea--7 months after I had this talk with him, he proposed.
Well. Sorry to be long winded! But try it my way, I swear it works! said...

Thanks for the comments, sexy readers!

And Rachel, if you have a college seminar read The Dude Whisperer, the DW wants to hear all about it!