Monday, May 18, 2009

Dudefile #46 - He Won't Take Down His Profile

Dear DW,

First let me say, I really enjoy your insight (the “wifey” included) on why Dudes do what they do. Thank you.

I have an issue about online dating. I’ve been dating this dude for about two months. Two weeks into dating, we agreed to be exclusive (before we even had sex). My idea of exclusive is you are not dating anyone else at the same time.

I found out he has profiles on online-dating sites. I don’t have any online profiles on dating sites. He got defensive when I asked him about it, saying my friends shouldn’t meddle. That he does have profiles, but they have not been updated in 3 years and has not renewed the subscriptions. And he said he doesn’t respond to anyone contacting him. I asked him what if I had online profiles on dating sites. He said that he wouldn’t be bothered by it. He said if he wanted to date other people, then he would tell me and expected me to do the same.

The relationship was progressing nicely until this online dating situation came to my attention. I also know that there has been no current updates of new information or pictures to his profile since he has been with me. He is acting like a boyfriend, maybe a bit more aloof since I asked him about the profiles. If he just agreed to be exclusive to get in my hot pants, I think his actions would show. Now, I am second guessing what his intentions are. I told him that if he is still coming up in searches on these sites, and it is a date site, people think you are there to actually be available for dating. I know he is still logging on to the sites, but don’t know if he is actually crossing the line.

Is having an ‘active’ online profiles on dating sites while dating someone exclusively crossing the exclusive line?



Hi Crossed,

As you might already know from reading the blog, the DW met the wifey online. And what that meant, although the DW didn't know it at the time, was that at first he was essentially dating the wifey and all of her friends. Like the setup to a Kate Hudson-ish movie after which wacky female bonding hijinks might ensue, a whole slew of ladies had access to the DW's profile, read the emails, scouted the new matches. Now, when the relationship started to get serious, the wifey cut her friends off and things became strictly mano y hotstuffo, or so she says, but anyway- that's how it started. The DW suspects that he has never really stopped dating all the wifey's friends, but that's another story and things are going swimmingly in any case, so whatever.

The DW brings this up because while you were reading that first paragraph with your two best friends looking over your shoulder, all of you nodding at the monitor, mm-hmmm, thinking this is the most normal thing in the world, it might be helpful to know this. That same paragraph, at minimum, seriously offput every dude who read it. At maximum, it made them outright irate.

See, dudes have a hard enough time trying to figure out what you want without trying to date a committee meeting of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Wilburys Fried Tomato Club or whatever. If you turn your delicious little panty muffin from an already moving target and split it into eight more puzzle pieces all with separate opinions on the issues of the day and dudes just get all surly like confused drug-addled circus tigers trying to track all four legs of a stool while someone's cracking their ass with a switch. Seriously, if you ever want to see a dude get defensive and irrational, explain to him that you've decided he should wear/do/say/perform/recant something because your friends said so. Such bad times.

Anyway, this might seem like kind of an aside to your question, but understanding the notion of The Committee might help fill out the scene a little so you know what to make of the dude's reactions. As in, of course he got defensive. He probably feels like he's getting his chops busted for something he didn't really even do wrong and it all would have been fine Except For Those Meddling Kids!

But here's the thing. DW's sympathy with the dude's situation noted, there's no real reason for dude to leave the profile up. Fine, the dude gets a little aloof. He pouts. He says sh*t he doesn't mean like that nonsense about how he's fine with you dating other people when he's not. Whatever. But eventually, if he's being honest about being exclusive, he's gotta get over it and just go through the ritual of Taking Down The Profile already. The DW and the wifey had that moment. Every other couple who got serious had that moment. You have to Take Down The Profile or get off the pot. Plain and simple.

Because, at a certain point there's no excuse Not to take the profile down, right? You can still cruise other profiles and peep around and all that stuff while invisible. There's just no logical argument for a visible active profile other than stubbornness or wanting to keep your options open. And really, both of those should be unacceptable.

Ultimately, the DW suspects this dude really is into you and was maybe a little too sensitive about the "My friends said they saw you..." slant to things. Maybe you were a little too gotcha about it, maybe not. Who knows. Either way, though, perhaps this event is the test of how well you two can communicate. If you can find a way to talk to each other honestly and dude takes his profiles down, great. You learned something and onward you go. But if this really continues to be a problem, be wary. If you can't pretty quickly and amicably figure out how to resolve whether or not you're exclusive and what that means to the both of you, what happens when you throw family drama or assplay or pet allergies into the mix?

So. Let the dude cool off. Talk it out. Don't reference the opinions of your friends. See what you've got in this dude.


the DW


kiposevi said...

Dump him. Sorry. But, I think you should.

Anonymous said...

Well, in defense of the dude, maybe he's technically challenged and the idea of going to all these sites and figuring how to make his profile "inactive" makes his eyes bleed. Esp. if he is spending all his free time with this new ladyfriend. I know my dude is a major procrastinator in this way. But I agree with DW, wait a few weeks and bring it up again in a non-confrontational way. Maybe you can offer to help, say, sit in his lap naked while he takes the profiles down.

Anonymous said...

Dude should dump her, and she should look for a pet-friendly apartment - I see a lot of cats in her future. There is no reason to date somebody who is so into having "relationship problems" that they'd make an issue out of this.

Anonymous said...

My concern with this dude has little to do with his online profiles, and everything to do with his eagerness to be "exclusive" after a scant 2 weeks. In my experience, the people who jump the gun on commitment in this way are either of the "passionate/crazy/inconsistant/short attention span" variety - people who are in love with love, and just happen to fall for someone new every few weeks, OR, they are people who are overly anxious to lock their partner down, often without feeling compelled to lock themselves down. My instinct says this guy is in the latter category - if he was the former, he'd probably be out the door already. I'm thinking that what happened was, he met you, he liked you, you fit his idea of what a "girlfriend" should be - and he wanted to make sure YOU weren't gonna sleep with anyone else, so he offered "exclusivity," but he himself wasn't ready to be off the market - after all, he'd only known you two weeks, how could he really be ready for full-on committment? If you stick with this guy, you should be prepared for more of this "I hold you to standards that I don't hold myself to" sort of behavior. But you should also think about why YOU were so eager to commit to someone you barely know. Seems like there are issues on both sides, here.

Charley said...

Oh...come now... exclusivity before intercourse is quite reasonable (and rather safe). It's not a contract. It can easily be rescinded if things do not work out.

Also, some of the commenters are a bit cold.