Friday, April 24, 2009

Dudefile#45 - Another Confusing F#ckbuddy

Hi DW,

I just started reading your blog and I LOVE it. Also, you seem like the perfect man and your wife is super lucky (and I suspect that you are super lucky too because she sounds awesome as well).

Anyway, I digress.

I just read the Confusing Fuckbuddy post [DW NOTE: See Dudefile #18- The Confusing F#ckbuddy from May 4, 2008] and thought that that girl's situation was similar to mine, but different enough that it was worth writing in.

There is this guy, let's call him Jim. I went out with Jim a few times, mostly because he's completely different than anyone I've ever dated before (and dating those other guys wasn't getting me too far). I didn't really have that much in common with Jim, other than us both being nerds (he's a "real" science nerd, I'm a social science nerd) but we ended up having sex at some point because I pretty much always want to have sex. The sex was mindblowing (another one!)
[DW NOTE: See A Note On Your Mindblowing Sex from October 3, 2008]. As in, I came the first time we had sex, I came before we ever even had sex (with my pants on!), and then I came several times while had sex. He was enjoying it too. Then one night he got kind of boyfriend cuddly with me and it was weird and I was not feeling it. I just sort of deflected him for a while. Full disclosure: I was looking for a boyfriend and I was hoping it would be him, but it just wasn't there.

I have found that blunt honesty works best with dudes. They really are fairly simple and don't think about shit as much as we do. So, I told him. I said, "Look Jim, obviously the sex is mindblowing, but I'm not really feeling this in any sort of girlfriend-boyfriend way." He said, "Well, that's great, because I don't want a girlfriend" (he had just gotten out of a serious relationship). So I say great, even though I don't know that I fully believe him, and we agree to just fuck.

We do that for a while, and the whole time I'm thinking that he likes me more than I like him, but he keeps his cool for the most part, aside from a few freak out moments that generally consisted of texts, emails, phone calls, facebook posts, all during the span of, say, a dinner with a friend. Then about three months ago, we are at a mutual friend's party (we didn't go together, we don't hang out other than eating a meal and having sex) and he was (unintentionally, according to him) cockblocking me by putting his hand on my back, pinching my ass, etc. etc. Unacceptable! So, I cut it off. Done!

This is getting long, sorry. Anyway, he just found out he's moving in less than two weeks, and I said, "Great, we should fuck as much as possible before then," explaining that it's good to have a finite end to things that doesn't leave one person angry or sad. He is apparently not listening because
20 minutes later he starts talking about me coming to visit him. Later that night, we have sex again, but I don't come! This is the first time that has happened with him! And I am forced to finally admit to myself that I don't like this dude AT ALL. And that he likes me more than he'll admit to.

So, I still have a week and a half left of promised sex that I now don't want to have. I don't really think it's fair to him to lead him on or whatever, even though I have been totally explicit about not wanting anything other than sex (which I now don't want anymore). And he keeps denying that he's into me for more reasons than my tits and ass. I don't really feel like I can say, "I don't believe you." So what do I say? The thought of a mercy fuck or five is totally depressing, but I kind of feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. My instinct is to try to ignore him and then he'll move and it will be done, but he is a good dude and I don't like being a total bitch. How do I let him down easy?

--Damned if I do, damned if I don't

p.s. Yes, I recognize (in retrospect) that I should have never started boning this dude again. I made the rash decision in a moment of sleep deprivation + extreme horniness.

Hi there DiId,diId,

First of all, the DW would just like to say god bless you and your ability to come in your pants. I suspect "He was enjoying it too," was the understatement of the week given how this dude's been navigating his dinghy through Hurricane Climax. Don't you dare let anybody ever tell you to quit all this fuckin', okay? Seriously.

And now, in what will seem like the most abrupt transition in Dude Whisperer history, the DW would like to tell you about a meeting he endured this afternoon at work that was just about as far as you can possibly imagine from coming in your pants. In short, the DW was dropped into the middle of a project and was trying to catch up with this other dude, let's call him Wally Wanderfocus, about what his company is contracted to do and what they're not. Is this part of your scope? Is this?

Now, all the DW is looking for is yes or no so he can just figure out the situation, know what's up, and move the f*ck on accordingly. But this other dude keeps on giving these answers that start with all these weird business vagueries like he's trying to evade or justify or apologize for what was agreed to and signed a long time ago. "Given the nature of our current circumstances..." "That is something we could look into further..." "A little history behind that is..." Wally! Dude! It's 4 on a Friday! Just tell me where we're at and let's wrap this up and go to the A's game, brocephus!

And it's that idea of a contract that the DW is getting at for your situation, DiIddiid, because it is a kind of contract you've entered with this f&ckbuddy dude. In exchange for some come in your pants and presumably elsewhere of your choosing, you agree to serve up some sweet hot as& and put a few things in your mouth and nary shall there be the prospect of morphing into gf and bf, forever and ever, amen. The DW seriously applauds you for how up front and direct and simple you made this for the dude. There could not have been any mistaking of the terms, all was negotiated in good faith, etc etc. Let's get it on. Grade A "How To Deal With A Dude" kinda stuff.

So, just like there was no reason for Wally to tapdance around in a meeting about what was agreed upon, printed up and signed, there's no reason for you to tapdance around what you agreed upon with your dude, either. Dude knows he's violating your deal. Dudes are always looking for the rules, ways to keep things simple, wanting to know what's on then table or off the table- You've given him all this and he knows it. As far as the DW is concerned, you're absolutely free to cut off all this boyfriend nonsense. That's not being a b*tch, that's just sticking to what you agreed.

How do you let him down? Heave ho, baby doll. Don't you waste all that sweet lovin' on mercy f(cks. Just be honest and straight like you have been all along. Next time he brings up his move just say something like, "Dude, it's been real, but the f-buddy thing doesn't make sense now that you're moving. But hey, that's the great thing about juts f*ckin', right? No muss, no fuss like with a girlfriend. Okay, well good luck to ya!" Aaaaand, that's that. Be nice and stuff, but no need to fall all over yourself. He's a big boy. He'll be fine.

One quick note before we go, though, about the cockblocking. You gotta give the dude a break on that one. Even if he's in a strictly f&ckbuddy situation, a dude can't really be expected to stand by in the same room and do nothing while you work on setting up a bone with another dude. Deal or not, that just taps into too much primal dude horsecrap. Trust the DW on that one.

Oh, and the DW almost wrapped this up without thanking you for your kind words. Perfect man! Dang! That may be the slightest of overstatements, but you are still quite right that the wifey is a lucky gal. Just ask her who made the best strawberry rhubarb pie on the west coast last night just for no good reason other than it felt like time to eat pie. As it were.

Here's to sealing your next deal. Best,
the DW


Anonymous said...

How'd it go from Dudefile 42 to 45? said...

hi anon 931,
via 43 and 44. scroll down. the last 42 was a follow up (hence the part 2 in ()). before that you'll find the other #s.
the DW

Anonymous said...

I have to say I'm glad there is a Dude Whisperer. Before I really digested the response, I was pretty sure she was being what's normally called a dick-tease. She didn't like it anymore, and furthermore had told the guy they were going to have a marathon of sex before he moved away. It's only a couple weeks, and one lousy lay shouldn't really portend the quality of the remaining fucks. And then be rid of him as planned, don't promise to visit. He would either bug her or it would fade away like a lot of busy friends "plan" to meet for coffee some time and catch up but never do, and eventually, you never hear from them again. It's not so much that she should have to fuck a guy if it doesn't feel right, but maybe shouldn't have opened her mouth if she wasn't willing to put her money there as well.

But then I really thought. I mean, it only took a couple minutes to feel so clear that the Dude Whisperer is oh so wise, but the quality of the epiphany was mind-blowing. I've seen him make a lot of sense before, but this time was special.

If the OP was the dude and "Jim" was the gal, what is the likely scenario? The jealousy at the party would put something uncomfortable to mind, followed by "distant" behavior reciprocated by extra clinginess. The suggestion to visit would cement it. Then again, maybe he wasn't serious, it's just what people say when they will never see each other again, not unlike "I'll call you sometime". Who wants to take that chance?

A dude would not have even written this letter to a gal whisperer. Mercy fucks would be not only out of the question but not even on the horizon of possibilities to consider if the gal made any clingy moves. Bravo!!
Bravissimo!! I feel like that part of The Miracle Worker when Helen Keller finally comprehended sign language. I'm embarrassed to gush, but I'm not a dude, so it's ok. :) Thank you so much, Dude Whisperer.

Mallory said...

I love the use of brocephus, my new favorite word!

Anonymous said...

I am going to disagree with the DW on one thing about his assessment of this arrangement.

Go ahead and try bagging another fuckbuddy in his presence. Sorry but a guy would not miss an opportunity so why should a girl? I can guarantee if your dude fuckbuddy and you bumped into one another unexpectedly at a bar/party, etc. and he was interested in another woman he would go for it whether you were there or not. Unless he was some incredibly high-minded, moral individual, but that is not normally the case with fuckbuddies. they are fucking and that's about all!

damned if you do said...

It's me, the letter writer. Anonymous (the one with a long comment): Yeah, I shouldn't have opened the door to sex again. I fully admit to doing it in a moment of horniness-induced weakness. But I do have to defend myself on the "one lousy lay" part. The sex had been getting progressively worse and this last time, I just sort of realized, "Wow, I do not like this guy AT ALL." and so that sort of killed it. That and the fact that he insisted on HIGH FIVING THREE--YES, THREE--TIMES WHILE HAVING SEX. I'm sorry, but while once may be funny; three is inexcusable. said...

high fiving!