Monday, July 21, 2008

Online Dating Tip #2 - The List of Demands

One of the DW’s favorite scenes from Caddyshack is when spoiled Spaulding Smails approaches the snack stand saying “I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a…” I want, I want, I want. Judge Smails barks back, “You'll get nothing and like it!

A dude is likely to feel like Judge Smails when your profile reads like a list of demands. Too much “I want” and by the end it feels like you’re asking for a 6’-3” ripped rich poet freewheeling pragmatic dancer sensitive confident humble athletic leader listener techy woodsy fashionista take-charge chill-out angel-winged comedian reader traveler grounded racecardriver nobelprizewinning private peopleperson animalloving capitalistvolunteering takecareofyou respectyourindependence everyday joe. Or, at least, those are the dudes you’ll consider. And dudes, therefore, say to the screen, “You’ll get nothing and like it!” And they click forward to see if the next woman can handle a mere mortal.

Now, the DW is assuming that the List Of Demands strategy is a way to try to weed out all those second and third rate chump dudes who waste your time by wildly overrating themselves. The problem with that is that it’s only the chump dudes with a grossly inflated sense of self who will Not be deterred by the LOD. You ask for a dude who sh^ts gold bullion, it’s the chumps who step forward and say, “How big a pile, baby?” Any dude with a capacity for reasonable self-assessment is going to see the LOD and think one of the following:

1. Yipes! I’m not good enough!
2. Whoa! Clearly this chick thinks she’s the Queen of England. Good luck finding David Beckham on, your Highness!
3. Someone has been on a thousand dates as is a wee bit testy. Run away! Run away!

See, your average dude is pretty sensitive to anything he perceives as p%ssywhip-esque. So, it’s more off putting than you would suspect for a dude to feel bossed around or dictated to by someone he hasn’t even met yet. Beware terms like “You should be” or “I need” and, most of all, the nails on chalkboard, “I deserve”. Again, fairly or not, the fact is this kind of phrasing is going to come across as nagging or pestering or precious- and if your typed profile comes off like that, a dude is going to assume those traits will only be amplified in real life.

Remember, a dude doesn’t know about your 17 other sh#t-tastic dates that led you to the LOD style profile and, frankly, isn’t interested to know about them because they have penises and you and other penises is not the kind of thing to bring up, well, pretty much ever. The dude only knows what comes across as he reads. And he’s reading "I want a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want french fries...


Anonymous said...

Ok, but then how do you list what you want? I want someone who's emotionally mature, financially stable, likes to have fun, doesn't have issues with strong women, and is politically active. Is that too much to ask?

Anonymous said...

I have a "list" on my profile that is totally facetious, and I really don't expect dudes to directly respond to it. But dudes will write me and go through my list, one by one, and answer. Those are the dudes I stay away from - they've no sense of humor!!

BTW, DW, is your brother still available? ;)

Anonymous said...

Just so you know guys do the same thing. They want a woman who is ladylike and demure yet athletic and tomboyish who will be their "partner in crime." We are aksed to be independent with our own lives and hobbies yet have hours of free time every day to build our lives around a man and do whatever it takes to make him feel adored. Make up your f**king minds! said...

anon 657- the DW is sorry to hear, but not shocked, that dudes have their own form of the LOD. But dudes really use 'partner in crime'!? holy cannoli! what kinda dude whips out 'partner in crime'?

anon 625- the Dude Brother is available. As far as you know. Maybe we should organize some kind of Win a Date with the DW's Brother Contest. Now accepting ideas for the contest format. Don't be shy, ladies. The DW Bro is 6'3" and charming as sh*t. Let's get this rollin'!