Friday, July 25, 2008

Dudefile# 29 - Confusing Date Needs Translation


Hi DW,

So friends have been trying to set me up with this dude for ages. I met him a long time ago, but years passed by and we recently reconnected at a party. Then this weekend while up at the lake house, friends of dude decided to call dude and invite him up. Dude accepted the invite and was there within 24 hours. Dude and I flirted and talked and got to know each other over two days which culminated in lots of romantic kissing and some heavy petting. Dude tells me that he came up to the house because of me and because he wanted to see if there was in fact something between us. I was on cloud nine.

Dude proceeded to call the night that we all got back into town and set up a date.Fast forward a few days to the date, and dude makes the plans, dresses nice and pays for everything. But he doesn't pick up on any of the hotness that we shared just 3 days prior. There was no hand holding, there was no flirtatious touching. I could definitely still feel the chemistry and there was lots of great and personal conversation, but nothing physical...nothing that picked up on the fact that we had spent Saturday night making out until 4am. I threw outsome reassuring arm touching but it all fell flat. We went bowling and he didn't use that or anything else as an opportunity to get close to me.

One side note is that dude got super sweaty. He was embarrassed about it and was afraid he that he smelled. I put him at ease and said I didn't smell anything and not to worry. Dude also wasn't too great about holding open doors, or any of that polite date stuff. It'snot that I'm prissy, but it felt like he wasn't aware that I was with him.

His kiss goodbye was simple peck on the lips as we got to his stop on the train and he hopped off to go home. He's out of town for a few days now so I'm not quite sure when/if I'll be hearing from him again. So since I was really excited about this dude, I wonder if I should kick it down a notch and not have any expectations? The physical stuff says a lot, right?


Thanks!

Confused



Hi there Confused,

Whoa there, Nellie! Let’s rein it in a little bit here and remember we're talking about one bushel of produce from the lakehouse gropemarket and one date. That’s it. You've got a whole lot of questions and a whole lot of intricate speculation about a situation that has barely begun. Take a deep breath. Dudes don't have the time, inclination, or skill to plant a series of hints and clues and signals. This hasn't had time to get complicated yet. So, let's just look at the facts.

1- You and dude hit it off and hooked up.
2- Dude called right away after the squeezing your tomatoes to ask you out. No play it cool waiting period junk.
3- Dude made the plans and dressed nicely.
4- Dude paid.
5- There was nothing physical like hand holding.
6- Dude bowled and hung out.
7- Dude got sweaty and felt self-conscious about it.
8- Dude was not good with door opening type stuff.
9- Dude’s goodnight kiss was a simple peck on the lips.

(Note: Him "not picking up on the hotness" of the other night is not a fact. The DW doesn't know what that means, actually, which means this dude doesn't either. Him not picking up on hints like you touching his arm and whatever doesn't count as a fact, either. Dudes don't get hints. Or, on the rare occasions they do, no dude has any idea what the appropriate reciprocation for an arm touch is, anyway.)

Honestly, when the DW looks at that list he thinks, "Sweet baby Jesus in a manger! This is what makes a woman worried?!"


Seriously, what's wrong here? Dating isn't any easier for dudes than it is for women. In fact, dudes, in traditional situations like this one, have to put themselves out there a lot more than you. This dude had to make the move to call you, plan the evening, dress accordingly, and, basically run the show. That's a lot of exposing yourself, as it were, and it sounds like this dude handled it well.

A dude also has to make the call about how physical to try to be. In the DW’s opinion, the smart thing in this situation would be to do what your dude did- be respectful and minimal about the physical stuff to show you that he is interested in more than just another prime time episode of Face Meets Boob. Dudes are told over and over (with some reason) that we are disgusting wild animals because all we want is sex, so it's a tremendously risky thing in a dude's mind to go across any physical line with a woman he really likes if he is not 100% sure it's okay.

And sure, so maybe he could have been better about door holding, but isn't that a minor issue? This is hardly the only dude in the world who doesn't open a door or pull your chair out for you. And actually, whether or not to observe these kinds of traditional manners might be another call the dude had to make. The DW, for instance, dated a woman who specifically didn't want the door held for her or her chair pulled out and made it a point to say so. That kind of stuff plays well in the south where the DW grew up, but you can seriously insult a lady in the Bay Area with an old school approach to treating her like a petite precious flower. Or maybe the DW is speculating too much about women. Look, dudes are horribly confused by stuff and it’s the last thing they think about when the date is over.

Anyway, this is all to say- again- take a deep breath. Dude is clearly into you. You're into him. You've been on one date that sounds like it was a pretty good time. Will it work out long term? Who knows? But you're certainly set up to go out on a second date and begin to find out, right?

Relax with this dude. You guys sounds fine,

the DW

5 comments:

Tiffany said...

I have to say, out of all your replies, Dude - this one has given me the most insight.

This is a classic, "girl-analyzes-the-shit-out-of-the-first-couple-dates" sort of thing. (and I am 100 percent throwing myself into the pool of girls who do this)

Thank you for asking the dude for help on this and thank you dude for replying.

Anonymous said...

"one bushel of produce from the lakehouse gropemarket." my favorite so far!

also, i would like to point out that the guy was sweaty and outright said that he felt self-conscious about it. so of course he wouldn't want to get it on!

Anonymous said...

But it IS confusing, though - the connection they both obviously felt having gone *poof* in to the dating night... It's not like this dude hasn't sent her some mixed messages!

Anonymous said...

I have to say, for the first time, I'm not sure I totally agree with the DW. I had a pretty similar experience once, and honestly, I really think the second date (the first being a similar friends-group-weekend outing) was just an attempt on his part to confirm what he was already feeling. He liked me, we had some hot make out sessions, but he just wasn't that into me. I knew it a few minutes into the second date, and I knew he knew it, even though we had a nice enough time. And even though he had called me right after that first weekend to set up a date, and he paid and yadda yadda yadda. Sure enough over the next few weeks I got the classic fade out. I dunno, maybe this is different, but I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened to this girl. A lady knows when the thrill is gone for the guy.

bluejacket said...

Making out/heavily/approaching intimate isn't the same as "hitting it off." It sounds really nice that he wanted to see her again, and that he acted like a completely new guy, a gentleman who wasn't trying to paw her. I think some other influences were at play. I mean, I think it's can't-win.

There's respect and then there's dogmeat. Feeling respected is when you accept that things got weird and fast, and you're relieved that you aren't now expected to carry on in that vein. The guy is interested enough to see you again and doesn't want to put you on the spot. Feeling like dogmeat is so what, this isn't doing it for you today, in the daylight, when you're sober? Wah. It must be difficult to gauge how to balance this from a guy's perspective, but this analysis definitely hints that he's got something else on his mind and would have rather canceled or postponed. Not every day is your best day, but sometimes you don't like someone like you thought you did.

There was a similar question a while ago, where the couple went away on a trip and came home and he never called anymore. The setting itself may have influenced the feelings, or urgesand one thing almost led to another in the current example. Hey, that was something, let's see how it fits into my reality. Yeah, no. (Or maybe). The plot is open, I agree, but it's almost certainly almost closed, and time to keep her options open.