Dudefile# 29 - Confusing Date Needs Translation

Hi DW,

So friends have been trying to set me up with this dude for ages. I met him a long time ago, but years passed by and we recently reconnected at a party. Then this weekend while up at the lake house, friends of dude decided to call dude and invite him up. Dude accepted the invite and was there within 24 hours. Dude and I flirted and talked and got to know each other over two days which culminated in lots of romantic kissing and some heavy petting. Dude tells me that he came up to the house because of me and because he wanted to see if there was in fact something between us. I was on cloud nine.

Dude proceeded to call the night that we all got back into town and set up a date.Fast forward a few days to the date, and dude makes the plans, dresses nice and pays for everything. But he doesn't pick up on any of the hotness that we shared just 3 days prior. There was no hand holding, there was no flirtatious touching. I could definitely still feel the chemistry and there was lots of great and personal conversation, but nothing physical...nothing that picked up on the fact that we had spent Saturday night making out until 4am. I threw outsome reassuring arm touching but it all fell flat. We went bowling and he didn't use that or anything else as an opportunity to get close to me.

One side note is that dude got super sweaty. He was embarrassed about it and was afraid he that he smelled. I put him at ease and said I didn't smell anything and not to worry. Dude also wasn't too great about holding open doors, or any of that polite date stuff. It'snot that I'm prissy, but it felt like he wasn't aware that I was with him.

His kiss goodbye was simple peck on the lips as we got to his stop on the train and he hopped off to go home. He's out of town for a few days now so I'm not quite sure when/if I'll be hearing from him again. So since I was really excited about this dude, I wonder if I should kick it down a notch and not have any expectations? The physical stuff says a lot, right?

Thanks!

Confused



Hi there Confused,

Whoa there, Nellie! Let’s rein it in a little bit here and remember we're talking about one bushel of produce from the lakehouse gropemarket and one date. That’s it. You've got a whole lot of questions and a whole lot of intricate speculation about a situation that has barely begun. Take a deep breath. Dudes don't have the time, inclination, or skill to plant a series of hints and clues and signals. This hasn't had time to get complicated yet. So, let's just look at the facts.

1- You and dude hit it off and hooked up.
2- Dude called right away after the squeezing your tomatoes to ask you out. No play it cool waiting period junk.
3- Dude made the plans and dressed nicely.
4- Dude paid.
5- There was nothing physical like hand holding.
6- Dude bowled and hung out.
7- Dude got sweaty and felt self-conscious about it.
8- Dude was not good with door opening type stuff.
9- Dude’s goodnight kiss was a simple peck on the lips.

(Note: Him "not picking up on the hotness" of the other night is not a fact. The DW doesn't know what that means, actually, which means this dude doesn't either. Him not picking up on hints like you touching his arm and whatever doesn't count as a fact, either. Dudes don't get hints. Or, on the rare occasions they do, no dude has any idea what the appropriate reciprocation for an arm touch is, anyway.)

Honestly, when the DW looks at that list he thinks, "Sweet baby Jesus in a manger! This is what makes a woman worried?!"

Seriously, what's wrong here? Dating isn't any easier for dudes than it is for women. In fact, dudes, in traditional situations like this one, have to put themselves out there a lot more than you. This dude had to make the move to call you, plan the evening, dress accordingly, and, basically run the show. That's a lot of exposing yourself, as it were, and it sounds like this dude handled it well.

A dude also has to make the call about how physical to try to be. In the DW’s opinion, the smart thing in this situation would be to do what your dude did- be respectful and minimal about the physical stuff to show you that he is interested in more than just another prime time episode of Face Meets Boob. Dudes are told over and over (with some reason) that we are disgusting wild animals because all we want is sex, so it's a tremendously risky thing in a dude's mind to go across any physical line with a woman he really likes if he is not 100% sure it's okay.

And sure, so maybe he could have been better about door holding, but isn't that a minor issue? This is hardly the only dude in the world who doesn't open a door or pull your chair out for you. And actually, whether or not to observe these kinds of traditional manners might be another call the dude had to make. The DW, for instance, dated a woman who specifically didn't want the door held for her or her chair pulled out and made it a point to say so. That kind of stuff plays well in the south where the DW grew up, but you can seriously insult a lady in the Bay Area with an old school approach to treating her like a petite precious flower. Or maybe the DW is speculating too much about women. Look, dudes are horribly confused by stuff and it’s the last thing they think about when the date is over.

Anyway, this is all to say- again- take a deep breath. Dude is clearly into you. You're into him. You've been on one date that sounds like it was a pretty good time. Will it work out long term? Who knows? But you're certainly set up to go out on a second date and begin to find out, right?

Relax with this dude. You guys sounds fine,

the DW