Okay, so the DW is back from, as a few of you correctly guessed, Vietnam. More on that soon. In the meantime, check out the Dude Whisperer’s MySpace or Facebook for a couple pics from the trip and while you’re there go ahead and do the right thing and make the DW your newest internet friend. Now, without further ado, back to the dude whispering.
It was good to see so many comments on Dudefile #14 - The Arrangement . The post really got a lot of you riled up and thinking and involved. The best comment, in the DW's opinion, came after the initial flurry, though, and may have been missed by many of you. The comment was from TRG, the writer of the original note to the DW. The DW had planned on posting a Part Two to The Arrangement based on TRG’s follow-up email to him, but the comment she left for everyone was even better and so that’s the way the DW went. Hope you don’t mind being at the center of things again, TRG. Just thought you made a lot of sense and wanted folks to see.
Oh, and you may have noticed (as Anonymous did towards the end of the thread) the DW’s absence from the comments on The Arrangement. There are two main reasons.
One, the DW noticed that in earlier posts when he added his own comments it tended to cut the discussion off and it made him feel far too parental. Now you listen to me, young lady! He’d rather the fur fly as long as you please and trust you to police yourselves. Mob justice, baby. Like one of those hotel jacuzzi-style bathtubs, it’s one of the DW’s favorite things when it actually works.
Two, the DW thought his original post implied his attitude accurately and didn’t have much to add. In a perfect world, the DW would hope most of you find this a place for, as dudette put it, “good-natured judgement-free advice”. And jokes. And unmitigated genius.
That said, there is one thing the DW couldn’t let go without comment. Anonymous said, “Ladies - the way to a man's heart is indifference. Nothing gets you what you want faster.” Um, no. If the DW’s wife had been indifferent to him, the DW would have moved on without a tad of regret, thus saving himself the time, effort, and potential humiliation of pursuing an uninterested woman. Perhaps this will come out in more detail in a reader question at some point, but this idea that dudes like to pursue what they can’t have makes the DW a little bonkers. It’s illogical for one, and injects the situation with an extra level of unnecessary gamesmanship and complexity that instantly gives a dude a headache. Dudes are simple. He sees that you are interested or not interested. That’s that.
And now, part two of The Arrangement, from the comments section of the original post,
the DW
So it's TRG herself, I just happened to check out the blog and saw my email up there with all the others. BTW I have no idea what TRG means or if it was just a way to hide my actual identity. [DW note: It was an identity thing. Your ‘name’ was so close to your email address, the DW took the liberty of making something up to err on the side of privacy.]
A few points I'd like to make after reading everyone's comments:
- First, I'd like to claim temporary insanity. The Man in Question and I always use a condom. He never asked again to go without them. I think we can all relate to the irrationality that can accompany a sex haze. The haze has cleared, I'm thinking much more clearly now, thanks for your concern.
- I don't want a boyfriend. I've always been very independent and I'm extremely busy with grad school and don't have the time for a real relationship. But that doesn't mean I want to go without sex and I won't apologise for that.
- Wanting to see him more often really is about wanting more sex. It really is that good. I feel sorry for anyone enduring sex that doesn't immediately make you want more sex.
- For the record, he never told me he's not seeing anyone else. He's never told me he was. We simply haven't discussed it, so it's impossible for him to have lied to me about any other women, hypothetical or otherwise.
- To the anonymous person who called me a free prostitute, he does not dictate all encounters. I'd say it's about 50/50 on who initiates. I don't come running whenever he calls, we decide between us when works for both of us.
- I'd also like to say, lay off the poor guy. He doesn't treat me like a whore. He's actually a very nice guy, cute, smart and funny. Very generous and always considerate. I'm sure someday he'll make a great boyfriend for some lucky girl, but we just aren't there.
- For those of you that are curious, I'm still seeing this guy, the sex is better than ever (and if that isn't enough reason to want to see him as often as I can, I don't know what is), and we seem to have gotten past any awkwardness there might have been (real or that I imagined). I am comfortable inviting him over as often as I want, it's never complicated, and I couldn't be happier with "The Arrangement".
Again, TRG, well done. And it should be said that if this dude will one day make a great boyfriend for someone, you will certainly make some dude a hell of a girlfriend. Keep rockin' grad school and keep f*ckin' that way you do.
Best of luck with this dude, and any that may follow,
The DW
4 comments:
Dear DW - there's in nothing illogical about wanting what you can't have. Its complete human nature.
Also, there is a difference between being indifferent and being uninterested. And I agree with anonymous, playing hard (not impossible) to get does work with men. If he's just that into you, he will do whatever it takes to get you. Which illustrates that one other point about men not taking "no" for an answer.
This playing hard-to-get debate seems to be really about what kind of man you want and not about what men in general want. That is to say that some men like it and others don't. Some women want those men and others don't.
you go girl!
This is so stupid. Basically TRG is writing in and rescinding everything she put in her original question.
1. "Can I let him have sex with me without a condom? Oops, I mean he always wears a condom and I would never consider otherwise."
2. "Can I somehow ask him to hang out more without seeming like I want a boyfriend? Oops, I mean we hang out plenty and everything is fine. We BOTH decide each time we hang out and it's wonderful and problem-free."
I call BS. If everything were really as rosy as the picture she paints in her response to her own question, she would never have written the question in the first place. Sorry, I don't buy it.
And DW, if the perfect response to all of the comments people leave is for the original writer to just say she never really needed help in the first place, you needn't be so proud because it means you didn't accomplish jack.
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