Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dudefile #14 - The Arrangement

Dude Whisperer,

I'll just dive right in:

So I hooked up with this guy a few months ago and as far as I know we both went into it thinking it was going to be a one-time thing. I think we were both a little surprised at the mind-blowing sex that resulted. Over the past three months we've hooked up a half-dozen more times and there would have been more if it wasn't for our sometimes conflicting schedules.

I am perfectly happy with our arrangement, if one of us wants to get together they email the other (but never call, which struck me as a little odd, but not bothersome enough to ask why) and if schedules fit we hang out, if not then we figure out a day/time that works for both of us. All is well and good.

Maybe the 3rd or 4th time we hooked up he asked me if I would consider not using a condom. Since I wasn't on birth control at the time I said no, he was cool with it and hasn't brought it up again. Well, I have an appointment coming up to get on birth control and get an STD test (just in case, not cause I think I have anything) and I'd like to ask him about not using condoms anymore. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the only catch is, I'd want him to get tested as well, and I'd like to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. I'm not expecting him to be exclusive (we've never discussed if we're seeing anyone else, but the fact that he's so phone/text aversive makes me think he might be), but I wouldn't be comfortable ditching the condoms if he's having unprotected sex with someone else.

So here's my question, do you have any tips on how to broach the subject without coming across as one of those manipulative (and annoying, if I do say so myself) girls that's just trying to vie for more out of the 'relationship' or pry him for information? He's a great guy, we get along great, he's easy to be around and a great lay, so I'd really really hate to mess this up.

On a side note, not nearly as important as the above, I've noticed that if I start to request his, um, company more frequently (say 3 times in a week) he kinda disappears. Easy solution, I leave him alone for about a week and he comes to me. A silly game for sure, but it is what is. Is there anyway to get him to understand (short of coming out and saying it) that I'm not some crazy stalker girl, it's just that the more sex I have the more sex I want. Ideally I'd like to be able to invite him over any time I want with the understanding that I won't be offended if he's busy, I just want it on the table that I'm up for it.

As a final note, though I'm not sure it's entirely relevant, after reading your blog I feel the need to point out that I'm definitely not 'smokin hot'. I generally get 'a pretty, fat girl.' I'm not too concerned about it because I'm an athlete, insanely smart, funny, laid-back and all the other things that guys claim to love in a girl. The guy I'm hooking up with is definitely significantly higher than me on the attractiveness scale, but I guess that's just proof how far a great blow job will go.

Let me know what you think,

Hi there TRG,

You know, relevant or not, the DW appreciates evenhanded ‘pretty, fat girl’ self-assessment. Substituting the Declaration of Mad BJ Skills ( as dudette christened it in a recent comment ) for the Declaration of Hotness was just gravy on the delicious sausage biscuit. Any evidence the DW can gather that his readership is the most artfully blowin-est out there warms his heart.

That said, for your main question, the DW thinks you’re asking the wrong question. Here’s why. A couple days ago, the DW’s wife met a woman who, when she was 16, slept with Lemmy. Motorhead Lemmy. This guy. Not the kind of thing you assume any young lady you will actually meet in real life would do. Yet this woman (girl at the time) had gone backstage and had Lemmy’s 978 year old tobacco stained unwrapped wiener perform an encore in her underpants. And more people have an indiscretion in their past than you would think. Even the DW has that one time he boned Courtney Love out back of the Viper Room after the unannounced Hole show in ’99. (April Fools! Ew!)

So, this got the DW and his wife to thinking. You know those graphics they show in movies about pandemics where a little blotch of red goes from covering Manhattan to, “unless we develop a serum”, covering the eastern seaboard in a week? Picture one of those starting in Oakland. How many condom-less people in the greater Bay Area could you reach with a game of Ten Degrees of Lemmy’s Diseased Wiener? The math says approximately All Of Them. And Into Nevada. And Colorado.

Look, you and mindblowing sex dude are not an exclusive thing, and as such, you’re not even pretending to trust him not to put his wiener anywhere else. Therefore, if he isn’t already Lemmy-ing someone else, he will be as soon as he can. And, more important, if this dude is trying to get you to go bare, he’s definitely tried the same with other women before and will try again with other women in the future. Even if he gets tested he could hook up tomorrow with some chick that once nailed Angus Young and Iggy Pop in a threesome and you could both be radioactive by the end of the month. Your question shouldn’t be “How do I broach the subject of him getting tested so we can ditch the condom?” This dude needs to keep that condom on. Your question should be, “Will he be okay with keeping a condom on?”

And the answer is yes. Trying to figure out who else he’s sleeping with? Coming from a non-girlfriend you’re right to assume that would be taken as naggy. Insisting on testing or condoms? That’s just the fine print you add to the bottom of the Mad BJ Skills Contract. This is worth making a stand about, and unless the dude is a serious f*#king idiot he’ll agree sign the MBJSC with haste. In blood, if you insist. Don’t underestimate your leverage here. You’re essentially giving him this choice.

Would I rather:

A - have mind-blowing sex with no strings from an awesome smart athletic chick who blows like a porn star on condition of wearing a condom and getting tested

B - insist on not wearing a condom or getting tested, give all the above up, and spank it all day with my right hand that is not awesome, smart, athletic, and does not blow like a porn star

Um, he’ll keep f%*king you. Don’t you worry about it.

As for your secondary question, you’re right to assume that frequency of, er, contact scares him because he assumes you want to get serious or emotional. It’s probably why he keeps it to texting as much as possible, too. Just the extra level down of intimacy from phone call to text is a little reminder of your situation. See, in a dude’s mind, a woman’s Desire for More F*#king does not come walking down the road by itself. It’s holding hands with More Serious, More Time, More Feelings, and More More.

Don’t mess around with trying to figure out a subtle way of letting him know what you want. He’ll never get the hint. Just say it. Just say, “Look, dude. I just want to f*^k. A lot. It really is that simple. There is no grand plan for ensnaring you for dating or commitment or whatever you’re scared of. Period. So, my place later or what?” Not only will this work, it will be something the dude will forever rank as one of the coolest things he hears in his life. Seriously, forty years from now when he’s got grandkids, he’ll think of your soliloquy and get chills all over again.

Hope this helps. Be safe and enjoy the sweet sweet lovin’,
the DW


cynical bitch said...

hmm. i don't know about this one... she says she's ok with just sex no strings attached. but then why would she even consider no condom??!! and the wanting to see him more sounds suspiciously like wanting more - dare i say it - commitment.

cynical bitch said...

oh, and if you're wondering at all whether dude is having unprotected sex with other women, look no further than eliot spitzer (and the previous post). he's married, for crying out loud, and he wanted to bone a prostitute without a condom!! if i were his wife, i would definitely get tested!!

Anonymous said...

It's amazing that even with all the evidence and research in the field of STD, there are people out there willing to consider sex without a condom. It's plain scary how many other girls might even think that same way. Just hope we will all do a better job in educating people about the risks of such a dangerous act.

dudette said...


Still loving the good-natured, judgment-free advice.

Anonymous said...

No glove no love !

bluejacket said...

DW is so right (as usual). Trying to have more sex per given time period, although not a relationship in itself, is tying up more time with the OP than the guy wants. If she wants more sex, she might try to find a couple other dudes to help her. The power of regular sex outside a committed relationship doesn't compel anyone to one person unless they let it. Use a goddamn condom.

The guy she already does it with keeps her at a certain distance not too close, and the more time she might spend with him, the more time he allows for her to start saying crazy things (he might imagine she'd say) like "we need to talk." She wants only him around more for some reason, even an excuse not to find other people to fuck. Use a goddamn condom, and find other people to fuck. Contrary to the DW, I think he may stop contacting the OP abruptly, perhaps not of his own choosing, however, but for the good of his (hypothetical) relationship can't see her anymore. In situations such as this especially, have some other regulars handy. Make them all wear the condom.

Anonymous said...

This is one of the most depressing things I've ever read. Why are women letting men get away with acting like disgusting dogs? (And yes, this chick is also being a disgusting dog.) The more women act like this, the less incentive guys have to actually behave like they have a functioning soul.

I'm embarrassed for womankind.

Mankind just follows where we lead them, ladies.

Anonymous said...

She's acting like a "disgusting dog" because she's a sexual single woman? Sitting in some ivory tower waiting for "Prince Charming" to come along may be fine for you but is not something most women are willing to do. Maybe if you got laid once in a while you wouldn't be so uptight and judgmental about it. There are plenty of men out there who act like they have a soul and there is a time and place for them. Women sow oats just like men and when she's ready for a relationship I'm sure she'll buckle down and refuse to settle for anything less. Right now she's just having fun.

To TRG--in the meantime you already know the answer to your own question--assume he's seeing other people and lying about it. Some men will say anything to get out of using a condom. Do not EVER have unprotected sex, period. Save that honor for "Prince Charming."

Anonymous said...

I kinda have to protest the backlash comments of the "maybe if you got laid more" ilk. They are fairly common, if not entirely specious. I mean, maybe there is or isn't something to it, including or apart from additional life factors, but it's stooping to the same "maybe if you got laid less" judgmental sorts of remarks that aspire to transform men from animals to fictional characters through the artificial suppression of female desire for anything less virtuous than true love and devotion. If a person has the right to a personal moral standard, that doesn't go away when they judge how you live your life, and so doesn't give you the right to turnabout and inspect how they live theirs. It just means they're a bigmouth intrusive jackass. You don't know how much or little they're getting laid, so think of a different way to frame your argument.

Anonymous said...

If she were "just having fun" and everything was great, she wouldn't be writing in here.

This girl is a free prostitute. She doesn't even get to say WHEN, she just comes when the guy calls.

Men act like they have a soul when they're required to. When they're not, they act like this.

Bee said...

not to take sides with any of the other debatable points being made, but isn't it irresponsible to insist that the regular condition of all men is to act like they have no soul? we can do better than that in this discussion.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above anonymous comment about having a right to a personal standard. You can't wave your finger judging people who judge and believe that you are non-judgmental and doing exactly the same thing.

Men and women have a hard time being just friends without one of them developing feelings for the other eventually. Its ludicrous to think this won't happen with someone you're having sex with.

If the woman in question is truly not interested in anything more (doubtful) or at least can pretend for the duration of their sexual relationship, than without fail the man will become so intrigued and amazed at how he hasn't affected her that he'll surely fall in love with her.

If the woman in question is interested in more, my advice would be to do anything and everything that is contrary to your natural inclination to let him know. No doubt that is the way to make him runaway, as evidence just by calling him more often.

If sex was all she wanted, she would be getting it from multiple people - promiscuity is not something she's grappling with here.

Finally - I do believe that men behave in the manner that a woman allows, as long as he's interested in impressing her.

Ladies - the way to a man's heart is indifference. Nothing gets you what you want faster.

Anonymous said...

TRG - why not just get a boyfriend? You're sleeping with the same guy, and you just want more. And then that guy might even buy you dinner once in a while. Boyfriends are a lot more fun then boning some guy show is boning other people besides you. Especially if you want to see more of him.

Anonymous said...

Dear TRG:
You are going lower and lower in how you require this guy to treat you, then you're writing in for advice about how to be less needy?

You are embarrassing.

Anonymous said...

Give the girl a break! She found someone that she likes to have sex with. That isn't always easy. Not all sex is fabulous. She wants more. She is trying to get more.

Telling her to get a boyfriend is a narrow minded answer. Who says she wants one? And if she does, it's not like she just snaps her fingers and bam... boyfriend, good sex, free dinner, strolls on the beach.

The should I/shouldn't I condom thing...that is just silly. Why on earth would a girl want to go without one?

Lastly, girls that use sex to control men are ruining it for everyone else. There are plenty of ways to get attention/affection/loyalty from men than depriving them of sex.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me, but being careful about who you sleep with isn't being manipulative or controlling toward men, it's being protective of yourself - your health AND your emotions.

If you want to be treated like a whore, act like a whore - party on. But then don't write in asking why things aren't different.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what the DW thinks of this heated convo? I suspect he's keeping out of it until the fur stops flying :)

bluejacket said...

Let's put this in perspective. She's had sex with him 7 times in 3 months. She's asking why she can't put the offer out there more often than that, and he blows her off for a week or so instead of being led in. I don't know what the big deal is, why anyone is calling anyone names, wagging their fingers shame shame!

Relationships take a lot of effort and attention and for some less independent sorts, the threat of swallowing one's identity, while sex can just be sex. (Sex is not always just sex, it is an individual matter of perspective, applied on a case-by-case basis).

Then again, what do you do when you're between boyfriends? Hook up with strangers? I think it's obvious she feels more comfortable with one fella. She doesn't see him as the ONE, but doesn't want to have no sex for an indefinite period, and when you do the math, you can see where she'd like him to come around a little more often. I can't believe anyone's calling her a whore and such. If anyone's withholding sex and manipulating the situation, it's her dude, and while we're at it, he's extremely a lot more sluttier (at least we're assuming), and who is blaming him for his behavior? No, they're blaming her and women like her, or men just wouldn't act like that!

Do you really believe that?

Donna said...

I very much agree with bluejacket. If you're between boyfriends, and you don't WANT one - but this one steady person has some good lovin' to offer, then why not? Yeah - make him glove the love wand though.
And keep looking! Way to go, sexual single woman!
-from a WHORE who has needs

Anonymous said...

So it's TRG herself, I just happened to check out the blog and saw my email up there with all the others. BTW I have no idea what TRG means or if it was just a way to hide my actual identity.

A few points I'd like to make after reading everyone's comments:

- First, I'd like to claim temporary insanity. The Man in Question and I always use a condom. He never asked again to go without them. I think we can all relate to the irrationality that can accompany a sex haze. The haze has cleared, I'm thinking much more clearly now, thanks for your concern.

- I don't want a boyfriend. I've always been very independent and I'm extremely busy with grad school and don't have the time for a real relationship. But that doesn't mean I want to go without sex and I won't apologise for that.

- Wanting to see him more often really is about wanting more sex. It really is that good. I feel sorry for anyone enduring sex that doesn't immediately make you want more sex.

- For the record, he never told me he's not seeing anyone else. He's never told me he was. We simply haven't discussed it, so it's impossible for him to have lied to me about any other women, hypothetical or otherwise.

- To the anonymous person who called me a free prostitute, he does not dictate all encounters. I'd say it's about 50/50 on who initiates. I don't come running whenever he calls, we decide between us when works for both of us.

- I'd also like to say, lay off the poor guy. He doesn't treat me like a whore. He's actually a very nice guy, cute, smart and funny. Very generous and always considerate. I'm sure someday he'll make a great boyfriend for some lucky girl, but we just aren't there.

- For those of you that are curious, I'm still seeing this guy, the sex is better than ever (and if that isn't enough reason to want to see him as often as I can, I don't know what is), and we seem to have gotten past any awkwardness there might have been (real or that I imagined). I am comfortable inviting him over as often as I want, it's never complicated, and I couldn't be happier with "The Arrangement".