Dudefile #14 - The Arrangement

Dude Whisperer,

I'll just dive right in:

So I hooked up with this guy a few months ago and as far as I know we both went into it thinking it was going to be a one-time thing. I think we were both a little surprised at the mind-blowing sex that resulted. Over the past three months we've hooked up a half-dozen more times and there would have been more if it wasn't for our sometimes conflicting schedules.

I am perfectly happy with our arrangement, if one of us wants to get together they email the other (but never call, which struck me as a little odd, but not bothersome enough to ask why) and if schedules fit we hang out, if not then we figure out a day/time that works for both of us. All is well and good.

Maybe the 3rd or 4th time we hooked up he asked me if I would consider not using a condom. Since I wasn't on birth control at the time I said no, he was cool with it and hasn't brought it up again. Well, I have an appointment coming up to get on birth control and get an STD test (just in case, not cause I think I have anything) and I'd like to ask him about not using condoms anymore. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the only catch is, I'd want him to get tested as well, and I'd like to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. I'm not expecting him to be exclusive (we've never discussed if we're seeing anyone else, but the fact that he's so phone/text aversive makes me think he might be), but I wouldn't be comfortable ditching the condoms if he's having unprotected sex with someone else.

So here's my question, do you have any tips on how to broach the subject without coming across as one of those manipulative (and annoying, if I do say so myself) girls that's just trying to vie for more out of the 'relationship' or pry him for information? He's a great guy, we get along great, he's easy to be around and a great lay, so I'd really really hate to mess this up.

On a side note, not nearly as important as the above, I've noticed that if I start to request his, um, company more frequently (say 3 times in a week) he kinda disappears. Easy solution, I leave him alone for about a week and he comes to me. A silly game for sure, but it is what is. Is there anyway to get him to understand (short of coming out and saying it) that I'm not some crazy stalker girl, it's just that the more sex I have the more sex I want. Ideally I'd like to be able to invite him over any time I want with the understanding that I won't be offended if he's busy, I just want it on the table that I'm up for it.

As a final note, though I'm not sure it's entirely relevant, after reading your blog I feel the need to point out that I'm definitely not 'smokin hot'. I generally get 'a pretty, fat girl.' I'm not too concerned about it because I'm an athlete, insanely smart, funny, laid-back and all the other things that guys claim to love in a girl. The guy I'm hooking up with is definitely significantly higher than me on the attractiveness scale, but I guess that's just proof how far a great blow job will go.

Let me know what you think,
TRG


Hi there TRG,

You know, relevant or not, the DW appreciates evenhanded ‘pretty, fat girl’ self-assessment. Substituting the Declaration of Mad BJ Skills ( as dudette christened it in a recent comment ) for the Declaration of Hotness was just gravy on the delicious sausage biscuit. Any evidence the DW can gather that his readership is the most artfully blowin-est out there warms his heart.

That said, for your main question, the DW thinks you’re asking the wrong question. Here’s why. A couple days ago, the DW’s wife met a woman who, when she was 16, slept with Lemmy. Motorhead Lemmy. This guy. Not the kind of thing you assume any young lady you will actually meet in real life would do. Yet this woman (girl at the time) had gone backstage and had Lemmy’s 978 year old tobacco stained unwrapped wiener perform an encore in her underpants. And more people have an indiscretion in their past than you would think. Even the DW has that one time he boned Courtney Love out back of the Viper Room after the unannounced Hole show in ’99. (April Fools! Ew!)

So, this got the DW and his wife to thinking. You know those graphics they show in movies about pandemics where a little blotch of red goes from covering Manhattan to, “unless we develop a serum”, covering the eastern seaboard in a week? Picture one of those starting in Oakland. How many condom-less people in the greater Bay Area could you reach with a game of Ten Degrees of Lemmy’s Diseased Wiener? The math says approximately All Of Them. And Into Nevada. And Colorado.

Look, you and mindblowing sex dude are not an exclusive thing, and as such, you’re not even pretending to trust him not to put his wiener anywhere else. Therefore, if he isn’t already Lemmy-ing someone else, he will be as soon as he can. And, more important, if this dude is trying to get you to go bare, he’s definitely tried the same with other women before and will try again with other women in the future. Even if he gets tested he could hook up tomorrow with some chick that once nailed Angus Young and Iggy Pop in a threesome and you could both be radioactive by the end of the month. Your question shouldn’t be “How do I broach the subject of him getting tested so we can ditch the condom?” This dude needs to keep that condom on. Your question should be, “Will he be okay with keeping a condom on?”

And the answer is yes. Trying to figure out who else he’s sleeping with? Coming from a non-girlfriend you’re right to assume that would be taken as naggy. Insisting on testing or condoms? That’s just the fine print you add to the bottom of the Mad BJ Skills Contract. This is worth making a stand about, and unless the dude is a serious f*#king idiot he’ll agree sign the MBJSC with haste. In blood, if you insist. Don’t underestimate your leverage here. You’re essentially giving him this choice.

Would I rather:

A - have mind-blowing sex with no strings from an awesome smart athletic chick who blows like a porn star on condition of wearing a condom and getting tested

B - insist on not wearing a condom or getting tested, give all the above up, and spank it all day with my right hand that is not awesome, smart, athletic, and does not blow like a porn star

Um, he’ll keep f%*king you. Don’t you worry about it.

As for your secondary question, you’re right to assume that frequency of, er, contact scares him because he assumes you want to get serious or emotional. It’s probably why he keeps it to texting as much as possible, too. Just the extra level down of intimacy from phone call to text is a little reminder of your situation. See, in a dude’s mind, a woman’s Desire for More F*#king does not come walking down the road by itself. It’s holding hands with More Serious, More Time, More Feelings, and More More.

Don’t mess around with trying to figure out a subtle way of letting him know what you want. He’ll never get the hint. Just say it. Just say, “Look, dude. I just want to f*^k. A lot. It really is that simple. There is no grand plan for ensnaring you for dating or commitment or whatever you’re scared of. Period. So, my place later or what?” Not only will this work, it will be something the dude will forever rank as one of the coolest things he hears in his life. Seriously, forty years from now when he’s got grandkids, he’ll think of your soliloquy and get chills all over again.

Hope this helps. Be safe and enjoy the sweet sweet lovin’,
the DW