Dudefile# 36 - The Dildo Incident

Hi Dude,

Three years ago, I was having sex. Uhhh that wasn't the last time I had sex, but something happened during sex that made the occasion memorable. and not in a good way. Here's the situation. I had been in a monogamous relationship with this dude for three years prior. Ever since we got together, he urged me to get a dildo, but I didn't want one, so I said no I don't want one. He said he'd like to eventually get one for us, because it was a fantasy of his to use a dildo on me. So I eventually got one. And sometimes I'd bring it out when we were having sex, or use it myself when he was away on a business trip. The very last time I brought it out for the dude to use on me was three years ago. We were both really into it, and having a great time, and the dude pulls the dildo out of me and lifts it up to mouth level and opens wide, like he is about to perform oral sex on my dildo. Just as he is closing his eyes, I am yelling No! and he drops the dildo and looks really embarrassed and said he forgot what he was doing.

I didn't break up with him until much later, but that scene haunts me. Is that normal? I have no idea what is normal. Do dudes suck dildos or have dildo fetishes? All I could think afterwards was, He's gay. I never mentioned this incident again in our relationship, which shows you what a dysfunctional, uncommunicative relationship it was, but I did ask him after we broke up if he has sex with men. He stuttered and stammered and said No, why would you ask that? I said, No reason...

Unless someone says, I'm Gay, there really isn't a litmus test or anything, right?

C


Hi C,

Okay, so first of all, you should know that this is the wifey's favorite email in quite some time. I mean, this one was the topic of so much speculation around here you would hardly believe it. A week afterwards we'd just be on the train and she would look at me and say, out of nowhere, "Do you think that dildo guy is sucking a real cock right now?" For what it's worth, the first thing the wifey said when she read over the DW's shoulder was, "So gay." So, there was at least one person on board with your theory. At least on first read.

The DW, though, isn't so sure there's anything quite so intriguing here as a dude emerging from the closet to go all Republican Congressman on your ass. Or anyone else’s ass for that matter. Look, is it possible the dude is gay? Sure. Possible he's bi? Of course. There will probably be commenters on this post who haven't been so sure of something in their lives. But the DW thinks this was just run of the mill naughty stuff gone awry.

The main basis for this assumption is simple. You didn't mention anything about the sex or the dude before or after The Dildo Incident that was gay-ish. Granted, who can say what the hell ‘gay-ish’ is supposed to mean, anyway, but the DW does find it revealing that you didn’t have any sort of “AHA!” moments looking back after the fact. Kaiser Soze’s big gay story didn’t exactly snap into place for you, y’know? You weren’t like, “Oooooh right. The show tunes. The fancy socks. His best pal Chaz from Pilates… Dangit! I was so blind!” The only fantasy of the dude's you mentioned was using a dildo on you. And that's pretty standard straight dude fare.

The DW, as he was reading your story, was reminded of a moment in his own life. When the DW and the wifey first started getting serious they went to get tested at a local free clinic. One question they asked the DW in the little We Need To Ask A Couple Things To Get An Idea If You’re On Smack Or Nailin’ Goats Or Something talk was something like, "In the last year have you inserted a toy into her, and then into you, and then back into her, and then in your mouth, and then-" Honestly, the DW doesn't remember the whole sordid and intricate sequence because he pretty much tuned out after the part that meant he would have had a dildo up his a*s. Just not his thing.

But the point is this- that question at the clinic was testament to the fact that people dig different stuff when it comes to different things being put different places. Some women like to taste their own hoo-hoo off a dude's weiner. Some dudes like to have their own spoo spit back into their own mouths from the mouth whence they came. Pick a combination of mouth, object, and body part, somebody's way into it. Frankly, the DW thinks it's just as likely this dude was getting off on licking the thing that he'd twisted into your sweet sweet p*ssy as he was finally, after years of secrecy, revealing his love for sweet sweet dick. In the moment, he may have just thought you were scolding him for being gross or unsanitary or something and not a thought in the world of another mans balls ever went through his head. He may have been horribly, horribly confused later on about what the f&ck you meant by that mansex question. Jesus, is she telling other chicks I'm gay? Is she trying to tell me my f$ckskills are so lame the only logical explanation is gayness? What is happening?

Look, imagine any time you were getting it on. The last time, just to make it easy. Now imagine getting pulled out of the moment quickly and unexpectedly and alarmingly. You would probably look at least a little silly. As would we all. When we're gettin' down we're doing things we don't do anywhere else, saying things we don't normally say, and trusting someone else like you don't normally trust. This is just to say that this was probably at least as jarring to the dude as it was to you.

In the end, though, you are right that there is no litmus test. You know, other than liking or not liking a penis in your mouth. And you're also right that it speaks volumes about your relationship that you could wonder something about a 3 year boyfriend that's as impactful to your relationship as Is He Gay and not get around to really talking it out with him.

Anyway, the DW thinks the dude is Straight and Scared Supersh^tless to Ask Current Girlfriend Anything Remotely The F&CK About Dildos. And even after an initial So Gay, the wifey has now come around to This Dude Is To Dildo What Bill Clinton Is To Cigar. Maybe don't bring it up with this dude again, though. Just let him either move on with his life as a straight dude or ease out into the open at his own pace.

Here's to your next dude not freaking you out, or you freaking him out,

the DW