Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dudefile# 36 - The Dildo Incident


Hi Dude,

Three years ago, I was having sex. Uhhh that wasn't the last time I had sex, but something happened during sex that made the occasion memorable. and not in a good way. Here's the situation. I had been in a monogamous relationship with this dude for three years prior. Ever since we got together, he urged me to get a dildo, but I didn't want one, so I said no I don't want one. He said he'd like to eventually get one for us, because it was a fantasy of his to use a dildo on me. So I eventually got one. And sometimes I'd bring it out when we were having sex, or use it myself when he was away on a business trip. The very last time I brought it out for the dude to use on me was three years ago. We were both really into it, and having a great time, and the dude pulls the dildo out of me and lifts it up to mouth level and opens wide, like he is about to perform oral sex on my dildo. Just as he is closing his eyes, I am yelling No! and he drops the dildo and looks really embarrassed and said he forgot what he was doing.

I didn't break up with him until much later, but that scene haunts me. Is that normal? I have no idea what is normal. Do dudes suck dildos or have dildo fetishes? All I could think afterwards was, He's gay. I never mentioned this incident again in our relationship, which shows you what a dysfunctional, uncommunicative relationship it was, but I did ask him after we broke up if he has sex with men. He stuttered and stammered and said No, why would you ask that? I said, No reason...

Unless someone says, I'm Gay, there really isn't a litmus test or anything, right?

C



Hi C,

Okay, so first of all, you should know that this is the wifey's favorite email in quite some time. I mean, this one was the topic of so much speculation around here you would hardly believe it. A week afterwards we'd just be on the train and she would look at me and say, out of nowhere, "Do you think that dildo guy is sucking a real cock right now?" For what it's worth, the first thing the wifey said when she read over the DW's shoulder was, "So gay." So, there was at least one person on board with your theory. At least on first read.

The DW, though, isn't so sure there's anything quite so intriguing here as a dude emerging from the closet to go all Republican Congressman on your ass. Or anyone else’s ass for that matter. Look, is it possible the dude is gay? Sure. Possible he's bi? Of course. There will probably be commenters on this post who haven't been so sure of something in their lives. But the DW thinks this was just run of the mill naughty stuff gone awry.

The main basis for this assumption is simple. You didn't mention anything about the sex or the dude before or after The Dildo Incident that was gay-ish. Granted, who can say what the hell ‘gay-ish’ is supposed to mean, anyway, but the DW does find it revealing that you didn’t have any sort of “AHA!” moments looking back after the fact. Kaiser Soze’s big gay story didn’t exactly snap into place for you, y’know? You weren’t like, “Oooooh right. The show tunes. The fancy socks. His best pal Chaz from Pilates… Dangit! I was so blind!” The only fantasy of the dude's you mentioned was using a dildo on you. And that's pretty standard straight dude fare.

The DW, as he was reading your story, was reminded of a moment in his own life. When the DW and the wifey first started getting serious they went to get tested at a local free clinic. One question they asked the DW in the little We Need To Ask A Couple Things To Get An Idea If You’re On Smack Or Nailin’ Goats Or Something talk was something like, "In the last year have you inserted a toy into her, and then into you, and then back into her, and then in your mouth, and then-" Honestly, the DW doesn't remember the whole sordid and intricate sequence because he pretty much tuned out after the part that meant he would have had a dildo up his a*s. Just not his thing.

But the point is this- that question at the clinic was testament to the fact that people dig different stuff when it comes to different things being put different places. Some women like to taste their own hoo-hoo off a dude's weiner. Some dudes like to have their own spoo spit back into their own mouths from the mouth whence they came. Pick a combination of mouth, object, and body part, somebody's way into it. Frankly, the DW thinks it's just as likely this dude was getting off on licking the thing that he'd twisted into your sweet sweet p*ssy as he was finally, after years of secrecy, revealing his love for sweet sweet dick. In the moment, he may have just thought you were scolding him for being gross or unsanitary or something and not a thought in the world of another mans balls ever went through his head. He may have been horribly, horribly confused later on about what the f&ck you meant by that mansex question. Jesus, is she telling other chicks I'm gay? Is she trying to tell me my f$ckskills are so lame the only logical explanation is gayness? What is happening?

Look, imagine any time you were getting it on. The last time, just to make it easy. Now imagine getting pulled out of the moment quickly and unexpectedly and alarmingly. You would probably look at least a little silly. As would we all. When we're gettin' down we're doing things we don't do anywhere else, saying things we don't normally say, and trusting someone else like you don't normally trust. This is just to say that this was probably at least as jarring to the dude as it was to you.

In the end, though, you are right that there is no litmus test. You know, other than liking or not liking a penis in your mouth. And you're also right that it speaks volumes about your relationship that you could wonder something about a 3 year boyfriend that's as impactful to your relationship as Is He Gay and not get around to really talking it out with him.

Anyway, the DW thinks the dude is Straight and Scared Supersh^tless to Ask Current Girlfriend Anything Remotely The F&CK About Dildos. And even after an initial So Gay, the wifey has now come around to This Dude Is To Dildo What Bill Clinton Is To Cigar. Maybe don't bring it up with this dude again, though. Just let him either move on with his life as a straight dude or ease out into the open at his own pace.

Here's to your next dude not freaking you out, or you freaking him out,

the DW

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay(cracking my knuckles), I'm female, I happen to have a, um "thing" for bi men so I have a bit to say on the subject.

First off, bisexual and gay are usually two different things. I've never come across a bisexual guy who will see another guy on the street and think "Hey, he's hot," and want to pull him into an alley. I'm still trying to figure that one out. They are not "attracted" to men per se, but they like to suck c**k. Go figure.

And just to confuse you, there are a sh*tload of layers to male bisexuality. It's not black and white. No two men are alike in what they like/don't like, will do/won't do. I have yet to come across a bi guy who will kiss another man. Won't do it. Some HAVE to have a woman present, some PREFER to have a woman present and others are okay alone with another guy, but still love women too and perhaps wish a woman was present. Some are strictly orally bi, a lesser number will actually have sex with another guy, but I've found this to be far less common than oral.

The reasons why they do it can vary too. Some men are risk takers and just like to sexually push the envelope, some like the "shock" factor of it and others simply play with men because it's WAY easier than getting a woman and for whatever reason they must follow the direction of the lower head, even if it leads them to activities with another lower head.

There are LOTS of men out there who are curious about it. MANY are married and their wives have no idea their husbands are bi. Some of them try it once or twice, decide it's not for them and go back to status quo. Some do it infrequently, like once or twice a year throughout their lives. A fewer number are truly bisexual, as in they like men and women equally.

You'll never really know why he went to suck your dildo but it could have been simple curiosity--it doesn't mean he's gay. Even if he did go on to experiment with other guys it still doesn't mean he's gay. Everyone experiments sexually--it's part of human development and figuring out who you are.

I'm sure there are some bisexual men that are taking their first steps to realizing that they are gay but I haven't met one yet that I get that impression from. They simply love women but are secure enough and open-minded enough to be seriously freaky in bed and play with another guy too. Clearly, it's not for everyone, but it is for a LOT of guys.

I'm sure that did nothing to clear things up for you.

Anonymous said...

@ anon 11pm

i think it could be summed up as "everyone likes different things"- kinda what the DW said in his response. get over yourself already.

Felinessa said...

Maybe I'm simplistic in my thinking, but my first, instinctual reaction was very similar to something DW brought up: dude wanted to lick the thing because it had just come out of HER. Not because he wanted it inside himself.

The less simplistic version - let's think about why he wanted to use a dildo in the first place. Some guys won't come anywhere near a dildo because they perceive it as "competition" - an extra d*ck which is not theirs and which therefore doesn't belong in their bedroom. Obviously, this dude is different: no intimidation or fear of competition there. But should we immediately conclude that a man who isn't bothered by a different penis must be nurturing homoerotic fantasies? It's possible, but not necessary.

My impression is that he doesn't, in fact, perceive the dildo as a symbol of another man's penis (which would justify the homoerotic interpretation). I think he sees it as an extension of his OWN penis, which allows him to do things that would otherwise be anatomically impossible.

That's why, I believe, he allowed himself to be a little ... erm ... familiar with it. He can't exactly taste her off his own d*ck (unless he's unusually flexible), and even if he could, that would still come across as weird. Dudefile # 37, anyone? On the other hand, his little plastic extension there can do the trick.

I'm not completely excluding the possibility that he may be bi-curious. However, I think there is a serious difference between harboring a little homoerotic curiosity and being properly gay. After all, being gay is a lot more complicated than just wanting to bonk someone of the same sex. Without additional clues, it doesn't really sound like this guy was going through any of the issues which precede the acknowledgement of a different sexual identity.

@ Anon 8:18 - maybe we all need to get over ourselves a little if we have so little patience with others trying to help. Just my 2 copper.

Jnastychik said...

I totally agree with felinessa's (and DW's) assessment of the situation. What I am wondering about is the writer's statement: "Just as he is closing his eyes, I am yelling No! and he drops the dildo and looks really embarrassed..." Why would this woman "yell 'no'?" She immediately shamed him in (what seems to be) the heat of the moment, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe he was about to say how much pleasure he was deriving from the object that was bringing her so much pleasure...but then she Shut. Him. Down. I feel kinda badly for the guy. (there's still no answer as to whether or not he's gay! but I'm leaning towards 'no'). My two cents.

Anonymous said...

was it a realistic looking dick shaped dildo, or some totally abstract streamlined modern sculpture looking thing? beacause if it didn't really look like a dick, maybe she should be less freaked out.

just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

yes! i totally agree! sucking on a realistic veiny dildo is pretty gay. but sucking on a cute-cartoon- character-with-a-bob-haircut dildo doesn't seem like such a big deal. it seems more like licking pussy juice off a popsicle.

C said...

It was a realistic penis dildo.

I can see how my post comes across freaking out, naive, and shaming. That sums up my sexual experience in a nutshell. I went through some pretty scary sexual abuse as a kid, so naturally when it came time to choose sexual partners, I was destructive, shaming, and totally freaked out (in my choices and in my own behavior).

I can see how the Dude Whisperer would assume there were no aHA gay epiphanies in my relationship with this dude, because I didn’t mention any. I was trying to stay away from that and focus solely on the dildo incident, because I thought maybe that happens a lot, and I just didn’t know. Your comments have been SO helpful (thank you and keep commenting if you can!) I think the first person who commented on this thread spoke to my need in a way that was so beneficial and constructive. (thank you!)

The weird thing about the dildo incident was he seemed really into the dildo, but not that into being with me. Reading the responses has been helpful to me, because people are saying things that make it obvious that when a guy is into you during sex, it is really obvious.

There definitely was an aHA moment, an “ Oh !@#$% ^&*@ I think I married Brokeback Mountain” moment, but even then, I don’t think you truly know someone is gay until they say “I’m gay” - people don’t have to have sex to be gay, and people have “gay sex” without considering themselves gay. I went to therapy, focused on my shit, moved on with my life. Even with the aHA moments, maybe I’ve got it all wrong and he’s just extra kinky.

The quote that made me want to jump in my TV and hug Tina Fey (I’m sure everybody has one) was from 30 Rock, Season One, “If you’re a gay guy looking for a beard, I don’t do that anymore.”

BTW Dude Whisperer - this blog is an incredible work of genius. As someone who tends to freak out (but not as much as she used to:) these real life stories and experiences are gold.