Hey there, sexy readers,
Below is a question from the DW’s inbox that was directed not only to him but to you. It should be noted that what you see below was edited down by the DW, so as to keep things at a reasonable length for a post. So, if anything should strike you odd about the style or tone or anything, give the questioner a break and assume it was the DW hacking things up a bit.
And now without further ado…
Dear Dude Whisperer,
A Question for you that you can also direct to your readers.
Aside from the Declaration of Hotness and the Declaration of Mad Sack Skills, I notice a lot of your readers have a propensity for casual encounters. I get the fact that people need to fit getting off into their busy schedules, that everyone is horny at some point or another, and I'm certainly not here to thump Bibles or point fingers. My question is not "how dare you?" or "don't you know better?" but a simple, open-ended "why?"
The answer may seem obvious -that fabulous sex everyone is apparently having all over the place, no strings, no worries, etc. But it's not quite that obvious when "arrangements" seem to require all this mental preparation, all these rules, all this worrying about sticking to the rules, all this amateur mind-reading, and, to me, all this horrendous anxiety. I understand that the people who are perfectly comfortable in their situations are not going to write to you, and thus the sample is fundamentally biased. However, these are not the first people I've seen stressing over "arrangements." In fact, most people I've known stressed about theirs.
Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I'm curious to hear how the pros outweigh the cons. I'm curious to know what makes these relationships satisfying. I'm curious how people shut down that little voice which says "he may be hot, but you know you don't like him that much." Maybe I'm coming from a different mindset - if someone bores me to tears or annoys the crap out of me, the hotness fades. The same if they're neither boring or annoying, but just blah. If they're blah, they're a waste of time - I don't read stupid books, buy ugly shoes, or eat crappy food. So why would I spend time with someone who just doesn't cut it for me? And if they're not "blah," if I really really like them, then I wouldn't want to be just an "arrangement" to them - clearly, not good enough to date, but okay for a hook-up. That's just not good for anyone's self-esteem and self respect. I'll take the rejection and go gank some noobs. Nerd-rage is good occasionally.
So yah, to sum it all up: why do people have "arrangements" if they're complicated? Or, assuming someone is having a very uncomplicated "arrangement" because they don't have the time or they aren't in the right place for a real relationship, how do they get over the fact that the dude isn't really all that? (i.e. what do they get out of sleeping with a dude they don't like that much?). The above is just an assumption, because if they are hooking up with dudes they DO like, that's a whole different can of worms right there (the stuff that castles in
The DW can answer this one from a dude point of view pretty easily. Dudes can often completely separate things that involve a little naked Hokey Pokey from feelings and emotional attachment. In fact, depending on where a dude is at with his life, having the feeling and emotional attachment out of the equation can be like a beautiful Christmas morning. The complication of maintaining an “Arrangement”, to these dudes, is a lot less complication than maintaining a relationship.
So, depending on the dude and the dude’s state of mind there’s not necessarily this All or Nothing choice to be made about who you’re boning. A girl may be ‘blah’, as you say, but the contents of her panties rarely are. What is satisfying, you ask? Sex.
But as for the ladies? The DW dares not speculate. What say you, promiscuous readers?