Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Question For You

Hey there, sexy readers,

Below is a question from the DW’s inbox that was directed not only to him but to you. It should be noted that what you see below was edited down by the DW, so as to keep things at a reasonable length for a post. So, if anything should strike you odd about the style or tone or anything, give the questioner a break and assume it was the DW hacking things up a bit.

And now without further ado…

Dear Dude Whisperer,

A Question for you that you can also direct to your readers.

Aside from the Declaration of Hotness and the Declaration of Mad Sack Skills, I notice a lot of your readers have a propensity for casual encounters. I get the fact that people need to fit getting off into their busy schedules, that everyone is horny at some point or another, and I'm certainly not here to thump Bibles or point fingers. My question is not "how dare you?" or "don't you know better?" but a simple, open-ended "why?"

The answer may seem obvious -that fabulous sex everyone is apparently having all over the place, no strings, no worries, etc. But it's not quite that obvious when "arrangements" seem to require all this mental preparation, all these rules, all this worrying about sticking to the rules, all this amateur mind-reading, and, to me, all this horrendous anxiety. I understand that the people who are perfectly comfortable in their situations are not going to write to you, and thus the sample is fundamentally biased. However, these are not the first people I've seen stressing over "arrangements." In fact, most people I've known stressed about theirs.

Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I'm curious to hear how the pros outweigh the cons. I'm curious to know what makes these relationships satisfying. I'm curious how people shut down that little voice which says "he may be hot, but you know you don't like him that much." Maybe I'm coming from a different mindset - if someone bores me to tears or annoys the crap out of me, the hotness fades. The same if they're neither boring or annoying, but just blah. If they're blah, they're a waste of time - I don't read stupid books, buy ugly shoes, or eat crappy food. So why would I spend time with someone who just doesn't cut it for me? And if they're not "blah," if I really really like them, then I wouldn't want to be just an "arrangement" to them - clearly, not good enough to date, but okay for a hook-up. That's just not good for anyone's self-esteem and self respect. I'll take the rejection and go gank some noobs. Nerd-rage is good occasionally.

So yah, to sum it all up: why do people have "arrangements" if they're complicated? Or, assuming someone is having a very uncomplicated "arrangement" because they don't have the time or they aren't in the right place for a real relationship, how do they get over the fact that the dude isn't really all that? (i.e. what do they get out of sleeping with a dude they don't like that much?). The above is just an assumption, because if they are hooking up with dudes they DO like, that's a whole different can of worms right there (the stuff that castles in Spain and broken dreams are made of).

The DW can answer this one from a dude point of view pretty easily. Dudes can often completely separate things that involve a little naked Hokey Pokey from feelings and emotional attachment. In fact, depending on where a dude is at with his life, having the feeling and emotional attachment out of the equation can be like a beautiful Christmas morning. The complication of maintaining an “Arrangement”, to these dudes, is a lot less complication than maintaining a relationship.

So, depending on the dude and the dude’s state of mind there’s not necessarily this All or Nothing choice to be made about who you’re boning. A girl may be ‘blah’, as you say, but the contents of her panties rarely are. What is satisfying, you ask? Sex.

But as for the ladies? The DW dares not speculate. What say you, promiscuous readers?

Work it,

the DW


Ashley said...

You're preaching to the choir, lady. Two female friends of mine were just urging me the other day to go out and get laid instead of waiting around for my current love interest to get his act together. I told them I wanted sex with someone I at least like a lot, not just sex for sex's sake, and they were both like, "Meh, it's not all it's cracked up to be." Which might be true, but it's way too depressing for me to believe it right now.

The Wildhairgirl said...

Once you get over the initial weirdness of having a purely sexual relationship, it's great. I'm not opposed to having a boyfriend but I'm not going to spend all of my time being horny because I don't have a boyfriend. Sometimes I just want to get laid. And once the guy becomes boring and/or annoying, I move on. I would recommend hook up partners to everyone who can mentally separate feelings from sex; if you can't, it'll be all bad. But if you can, get all of your sexual desires met is the greatest.

Anonymous said...

I think that there are some people who can make them work, and some who can't...and I think that for those who can keep booty and emotions separate they are AMAZING...speaking as someone who can do it. But I think for those who can't, it's one of those "good on paper" situations. No strings attached sex, sign me up! But it's not that simple, especially when it comes to women, because our bodies want us to be attached to those we have sex with. And it is VERY VERY hard to not fall for someone that you're sleeping with. So if you can keep that separate, bang to your heart's content (wear a condom). But if you can't...a) sorry that I can and you can't, biology is funny that way and b) that douchebag that you're trying to bang thinking that he's SUCH a p.o.s. there's no way you'll end up thinking dreamy thoughts about him: FALSE. And that's where the problems come from.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering the same thing. Am I totally missing out on all this fantastic casual sex everyone else seems to be having? I figured I was too uptight or old-fashioned to ever enjoy that.

Strangely enough, I've recently been having sex with a guy I can't say I'm crazy about (and to be honest, it's not particularly fantastic). I like his personality alright, and he's pretty cute - but he's definitely not good relationship material (something I wouldn't mind finding) and I'm just not "into" him. I can tell he's not head-over-heels for me, either. I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this with him, but I think it has to do with getting over my ex-boyfriend, shaking things up and trying something new, taking myself out of my comfort zone and pushing some boundaries, and breaking my horrendous celibacy streak.

I doubt it will last long, and I'm ok with that. It may very well chip away at my self-esteem... but right now, I really don't care.

I will admit that I am surprised by this new, nonchalant attitude of mine. It's probably not a good sign that I'm feeling this way - but, in a way, it’s liberating.

Anonymous said...

I got divorced a few years ago after being married for many, many years and was only with my ex-husband entire life, no other experience whatsoever. So when I started dating again a relationship was the last thing I wanted. I had some oats to sow and I've been hapily indulging in NSA for a while now. I'll even go so far as to admit I've probably been choosing men I know for a fact I could never possibly have a relationship with simply to avoid getting serious about someone. I'm fine with that after being married for so long. I had some serious catching up to do.

But lately I've been less and less satisfied with it. It seems it had it's place but now my needs are changing. I doubt I'll ever stop looking at the guy in the coffee shop and wonder what it would be like to take him home and do him, but there's a whole host of other crap that comes along with NSA that I'm damn tired of. For once I'd like someone who will actually stay the night and will be happy doing stuff outside of the bedroom with me.

The only time I've been unhappy while doing this oat sowing was when I tried to change a casual partner into something more. Forget it, doesn't work. It's one or the other. When I started looking for more I knew it was time to cut back big time and shift my energies towards finding boyfriend material. No luck so far. Hmmm, what's that tall Latino guy's number?

JG said...

OK I have 2 things to discuss about this, maybe not at all related, but possibly can co-exist as explanations here. Just to place me in the scheme of things - I have had a rather large amount of casual hook ups (interspersed with monogamous relationships of varying lengths), and while have found them fun, akin to something of a hobbylike nature, in the big scheme of things, they are not overly satisfying. Right now I want nothing more than to settle in forever with my current man. Also, I am not having babies, I've been 'fixed' well before my casual encounters ceased. OK so here's my takes:

I like to use analogies to describe things. Food is a perfect one for this situation. We all need to eat. When we have the time to prepare wholesome, healthy meals, we feel really great, we are healthier, stronger, more grounded, etc. BUT we don't all have time for that. Sometimes you just need the double double from In and Out Burger and be on your way. That works for a short time, but you do that every day and if you somehow avoid becoming obese, you will, at least, become pretty unhealthy. The amount of junk food consumed in this society is mind boggling. We are bombarded from every angle to get it fast, get it now, and, of course, supersize it! You eat all this crap and it fills you up and gives you some energy, but it's never quite right or entirely satisfying. And in some ways it can become addictive. When you are used to eating a lot of crap, then you have something healthy, your body just isn't used to it and it feels weird.

If you don't see where I'm going with this by now, let me spell it out. Replace "food" with sex and "eat" with fuck in the above. Get it? Casual encounters are like In and Out Burger. Fun, instantly satisfying, easy to get, maybe even a little addictive. But, in the scheme of things, not all that good for you. Sure, it's OK once in a while, for a quick fix or when you're short on time...but in the long run your health will deteriorate (w/ the sex, if you don't catch something, then your self esteem will suffer and the whole downward spiral thing, etc.). I've certainly enjoyed my share of In and Outs, but you have to keep them in perspective and know that it's simply a means to an end and not a healthy lifestyle.

My second thought about this is a bit more scientific. See, as human beings, belonging to the animal kingdom, there are certain aspects of biology that we cannot escape from, even if our lives in this modern day world don't seem to have any relationship whatsoever to these biological facts. We have innate drives to procreate, to proliferate our species. This is helped along by making sex quite enjoyable and even an unexplicable drive for many of us. BUT here's another little catch, that explains a LOT - women are programmed to develop attachment and feelings of 'love' for men they continually have sex with--this is because our biology is telling us we are procreating with this man and we will need him around to help care for the off-spring. Trying to keep a man around and becoming attached is an innate biological drive, as much as we want to deny it or say it's not there, or just plain don't have time for it. Men on the otherhand are kind of preprogrammed to spread their seed, to try and procreate with as many females as possible to make their genes prolific. I believe this is why 'arrangements' get so complicated. Our brains are telling us this is what we want and need, but our biology is playing other games that we may not even be fully aware of. There's this nagging feeling of something we can't quite put our fingers on about the whole situation, and even when we have all the rules and regulations spelled out, things often go awry. The internal struggles in the woman, between what she believes she wants and what nature is pathetically trying to control wreaks havoc sometimes at undetectable levels - comes out as confusion, complications and weird behaviors we don't even seem to understand ourselves.

Now I believe that there can certainly be crossing over of men's and women's biologies. I am quite sure I had some of that male 'spread your seed' thing going on, but as I got older and older, the whole 'nesting' and 'settling down' thing somehow took a stronghold of me, seemingly against my will (even though I am NOT having children).

Well, I have lots more ideas and could go on and on here, but this is probably too much already...

Anonymous said...

I (a girl) do it because I'm a) horny and b) bored. When it starts getting complicated, I drop it. I would say that boredom plays a pretty huge role though. Having an arrangement not only eases my boredom through sex, which is not boring, but also by giving me something to think/obsess about when I'm not actually doing it. I currently have an Arrangement with someone that I've recently admitted (to myself) that I really don't like at all. There's nothing there at all. I'm fading the Arrangement out.