Readers who go way back to the Stone Age of March 6th may remember a Dude Whisperer post called A Note on Your Hotness, in which the DW wondered aloud why so many of the women who write to him are careful to insist that they are the, er, opposite of horrible looking. The conclusion the DW reached about this phenomenon was that the Declaration of Hotness was a sort of inoculation against the DW dealing out an answer like, “You are clearly a troll and that’s why he dumped your ugly a$s.” Since then, we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, the self-assessments have become a little more realistic, and the DW has hopefully proven that you don’t need to sell yourself as Megan Fox’s hotter, smarter sister to get him to focus on non-appearance reasons for your various conundrums.
Which brings us to the Declaration of Mind-Blowing Sex. If the DW’s scorchin’ hot mailbox is to be believed, his readers have found a hidden society of dudes who are out there with f#ckin’ skills that would shock Larry Flynt. We’re talkin’ dudes that are to legendary p&ssy techniques what Shaolin monks are to kung-fu. Which is odd, actually, since most of the women the DW knows in real life lament a string of dudes who thunk around in their panties with all the tenderness and understanding of an unlicensed plumber. Clang, Whack. What the f&ck are you doing in there?
What the DW has noticed is that most of the letters where Dr. Mindblower turns up are letters in which women don’t have much else to say that’s tangibly positive about the dude. Three theories.
One. Is the assessment of ‘earth shattering’ and ‘mind-blowing’ and ‘toe curling’ a knowing exaggeration as a way to add something emphatic to the Pro column when the Con column for a dude starts getting long? You know, the more you type about some dude, the more you start to realize he’s a douche, so the more you feel like you have to make him sound good or the DW will scold you for your poor choices? Maybe you do it to talk yourself into his positives? Basically, is this a PR campaign?
Two. The sex really is pretty good, and part of the reason is because the dude is kind of a jerk and deep down you know it. “I shouldn’t be doing this! Now take me, you d*ck!” [Swoon. Consider how awesome it would be if you were the one who could tame this hot, steaming pile of cheater and liar into the honorable man you know he can be. ] The DW doesn’t like to believe that this bad boy/danger/forbidden kinda attraction stuff is true, but he doesn’t like to believe that the Giants have five more years on Barry Zito’s contract either, and there’s no getting around that one.
Three. You just want to believe it so bad. Maybe you confuse the pleasure of having a dude be interested with the pleasure of the actual wienerplay. Maybe you don’t have a whole lot of other experience to compare against? Maybe you just really, really want to like the dude? But for whatever reason, it’s just the more appealing option to believe the sex is top notch.
Or maybe it’s none of the above. But look, there’s a lot of sh^tty clumsy sex out there and some of you must be having it. So, what gives? The DW fully admits that, as usual, he knows nothing about women, but he would like to understand. What’s up with your Smokin’ Hot Super Sexy F*ckodysseys?
One other quick note: Sometime soon you may see ads appear on the site. The DW welcomes thoughts about this. On the one hand, he would like to have his salary for being a genius raised slightly from the current rate of $0.00 per hour, but if there is a great outcry and a general gnashing of teeth about how ads are ruining your life, he could perhaps take them back down and look for other ways to raise money. Perhaps a government bail-out.
Another Dudefile and DOW soon.