Friday, October 3, 2008

A Note On Your Mind-Blowing Sex. (And Crass Commercialism.)

Readers who go way back to the Stone Age of March 6th may remember a Dude Whisperer post called A Note on Your Hotness, in which the DW wondered aloud why so many of the women who write to him are careful to insist that they are the, er, opposite of horrible looking. The conclusion the DW reached about this phenomenon was that the Declaration of Hotness was a sort of inoculation against the DW dealing out an answer like, “You are clearly a troll and that’s why he dumped your ugly a$s.” Since then, we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, the self-assessments have become a little more realistic, and the DW has hopefully proven that you don’t need to sell yourself as Megan Fox’s hotter, smarter sister to get him to focus on non-appearance reasons for your various conundrums.

Which brings us to the Declaration of Mind-Blowing Sex. If the DW’s scorchin’ hot mailbox is to be believed, his readers have found a hidden society of dudes who are out there with f#ckin’ skills that would shock Larry Flynt. We’re talkin’ dudes that are to legendary p&ssy techniques what Shaolin monks are to kung-fu. Which is odd, actually, since most of the women the DW knows in real life lament a string of dudes who thunk around in their panties with all the tenderness and understanding of an unlicensed plumber. Clang, Whack. What the f&ck are you doing in there?

What the DW has noticed is that most of the letters where Dr. Mindblower turns up are letters in which women don’t have much else to say that’s tangibly positive about the dude. Three theories.

One. Is the assessment of ‘earth shattering’ and ‘mind-blowing’ and ‘toe curling’ a knowing exaggeration as a way to add something emphatic to the Pro column when the Con column for a dude starts getting long? You know, the more you type about some dude, the more you start to realize he’s a douche, so the more you feel like you have to make him sound good or the DW will scold you for your poor choices? Maybe you do it to talk yourself into his positives? Basically, is this a PR campaign?

Two. The sex really is pretty good, and part of the reason is because the dude is kind of a jerk and deep down you know it. “I shouldn’t be doing this! Now take me, you d*ck!” [Swoon. Consider how awesome it would be if you were the one who could tame this hot, steaming pile of cheater and liar into the honorable man you know he can be. ] The DW doesn’t like to believe that this bad boy/danger/forbidden kinda attraction stuff is true, but he doesn’t like to believe that the Giants have five more years on Barry Zito’s contract either, and there’s no getting around that one.

Three. You just want to believe it so bad. Maybe you confuse the pleasure of having a dude be interested with the pleasure of the actual wienerplay. Maybe you don’t have a whole lot of other experience to compare against? Maybe you just really, really want to like the dude? But for whatever reason, it’s just the more appealing option to believe the sex is top notch.

Or maybe it’s none of the above. But look, there’s a lot of sh^tty clumsy sex out there and some of you must be having it. So, what gives? The DW fully admits that, as usual, he knows nothing about women, but he would like to understand. What’s up with your Smokin’ Hot Super Sexy F*ckodysseys?

One other quick note: Sometime soon you may see ads appear on the site. The DW welcomes thoughts about this. On the one hand, he would like to have his salary for being a genius raised slightly from the current rate of $0.00 per hour, but if there is a great outcry and a general gnashing of teeth about how ads are ruining your life, he could perhaps take them back down and look for other ways to raise money. Perhaps a government bail-out.

Another Dudefile and DOW soon.

Best,

the DW

14 comments:

Kim said...

Well, maybe it's more so the the fact that if the sex was terribly, the girl really wouldn't care if the guy is out of her life? Especially if he's a douche in other areas. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Kim. We wouldn't bother trying to figure out a guy who sucked in the sack. DW, I think you are acting like way too much of a girl here and overthinking the whole thing! What's up with that??

Ashley said...

I think you answered your own question, DW -- there IS a lot of ho-hum (or worse) sex being had out there, some of it by your readers. So when we find a guy who knows what he's doing, we want to hang on to him! Though you do make a good point -- clearly we want to keep having sex with these dudes or we wouldn't be writing you in the first place, so why bother mentioning it?

Anonymous said...

Based on the opening comments to the last letter and this news, I wonder about all the letters to DW that we don't see. I had mind-blowing sex a couple of dudes ago, so I know it does exist. My current dude is open to suggestions for improvement so we may very well get there.

Anonymous said...

"But look, there’s a lot of sh^tty clumsy sex out there and some of you must be having it. So, what gives?"

Just that. When we find a guy who knows what he's doing, we hang on to him because he's damn rare. I myself readily admit to overlooking a lot of sh*t with someone who knows how to work it.

Anonymous said...

Where a dude tells a girl that he might like, might love her just to hold on to the great sex, a chick has her own inner dude trying to convince herself of the same thing. If the sex is good, chicks know deep down that we're the ones that are eventually going to have to pull the brakes.Who wants to do that when your toes are curling?

Anonymous said...

inner dude i like that!

Anonymous said...

Dudes think good sex is a matter of skillz. It's not. It's chemistry and to find that is rare. Good sex is an indication of good chemistry, ergo, your chicky readers quote mind-blowing sex as evidence of genuine chemistry. Make sense, DW? Problem is, chemistry isn't always good. Pop rocks and coke anyone?

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com said...

hi anon 1100-

the DW sorta gets it, but being a dude and all, as he's mentioned before, doesn't really understand magical phrases like 'chemistry' or 'soul mate' and 'partner in crime'. what do you mean by 'chemistry' in this instance?

Anonymous said...

DW,you know exactly what chemistry is! I believe you called it "magic" in your post about the chick who wanted to settle. Soul mate is kind of silly and immature and "partner in crime" is just a bad choice of words for "someone who will be a jackass with me." Dudes are more guilty of that one than chicks.

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com said...

fair enough. so what you're saying is that the best sex comes not from, say, the maddest p&ssyeating skills in the West, but from actually really liking one another and feeling comfortable together and trusting each other, yes?

if so, we certainly agree. unless, you know, it's that 1% of the time when someone's just f*cking crazy freaky hot and hits all your buttons.

wasn't trying to pick on you about 'chemistry', incidentally. it just seems like the word has a floating meaning and a lot of times keeps people from putting their own real thoughts on things. and the DW did use the magical word 'magic' recently, it's true, but not as a word that was supposed to stand alone. it was in the middle of a larger explanation. or at least that's how the DW is telling himself 'magic' was different. maybe it's not so much...

Anonymous said...

All that said--let's not discourage any dudes out there from cultivating the maddest p&ssyeating skills in the West!

Anonymous said...

I think I see what the DW is saying about magic vs. chemistry. Chemistry, at least in my experience, tends to be from a female perspective, essentially, a man being selflessly into a woman, aka. "a man who gets it," a man who doesn't need to be told what to do. For all the clueless men who need to be told things explicitly, there is a rare breed who have studied what women like and know that this is how to get women to do what they like, i.e. have sex with them and not nag them a lot for company when they want to do unspecified things with unspecified other people for unspecified periods of time.

To a man, I imagine "magic" equates to an intangible combination of not wincing when you make crude jokes, not nagging about household chores, not making you go see chick flicks, understanding when you don't want to pretend you're excited when our parents visit, etc. Having a "decent" sense of humor (as per your preferences), not being a stressed out wet blanket, and being willing to (learn a lot about how to) give (great) blow jobs, I think that is in the description (from what I've heard).

Friction, passive aggression, these things are the antithesis of chemistry and magic. Either sex can invent some system where "passion" overrides the dull and the unpleasant, but members of either sex can be skilled at manufacturing these impulses in their mate. Nobody wants to be alone, not even total douches. Alienating you isn't a dire situation unless they don't have something on the side already, or you develop a spine and don't put up with it.

I wrote earlier, 10/4 7:45. The mind-blowing sex experience I had felt like total destiny, even when he was bad, and he was the worst. At that, I remember him fondly. For all his faults and emotional assaults toward me, we had a lot of non-sexual fun as well as he knew just what to do like nobody before or since in the sack. I think his major in college was seduction, because he was funny and sexy, he made me feel at ease and somehow not at all jealous of his lateness to meet, his lies, the time he wanted to spend apart, the drugs I later found out he was addicted to, the girl who used to live with him that apparently he was still unable to stop fucking, etc. And by etc., I mean other stuff we went through that are, even years later, forgivable. It should be a crime for someone to be so fun to be with and still be a complete asshole deep down.

Amazing sex isn't chemistry. I don't really know what chemistry is or magic, but there's a blaze of nonsense between knowing what you deserve in a partner, and falling for someone who makes your knees weak without even touching them, knowing full well they're meant for another, perhaps, or just never going to be the mate you seek. What is love? How do you keep your senses and take care of yourself when someone has burned themselves into you with their eyes? Everyone has faults, and you hope they excuse yours while you excuse all theirs, and that's chemistry. It has little to do with sensibility. I don't know what magic is that you describe, DW.

Anonymous said...

Oh c'mon! You all must know that chemistry is that thing that made you want to take him to a hotel room the minute you met him and makes you STILL want to keep f*cking him the minute you see him, even though he's pissed you off so much that you swore off him completely. It's what gets your heart rate up, makes you talk dirty and respond to his overtures even though he acts like a jerk. The sex is mind-blowing even without the commitment or the respect we deserve, and you still keep coming back for more... THAT'S what chemistry is all about!