Dudefile# 34 - The Vibrator

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Love your advice. Now I've got one I'm betting you haven't heard before. I am horribly cursed with an almost complete inability to orgasm.

Actually, it's an inability to orgasm in any kind of natural way. The only way that I *can* have an orgasm is by stimulating my clit with a vibrator. Don't get me wrong, I am a very sexual person--I'm constantly horny and I love sex, kissing, fondling, giving and receiving oral, etc etc etc. But the road to orgasm is rough and rocky, and can only be overcome with the use of a battery operated device.

This poses a problem for me, as I am recently back on the singles market and want to have some fun with my weekends. I've hooked up with several dudes since becoming single, and with each one I revisit my dilemma: do I fake an orgasm? or do I just tell him it might not happen, but that i'll have fun no matter what and am happy to please him? (which is a bit of a fib, because it definitely will not happen and it does impact my level of fun.) or do I bring out my small and unassuming clit stimulator, which I know strikes feelings of inadequacy into the hearts of many dudes?

Let me tell you my feelings on the subject. First off, I am embarrassed and depressed by the fact that I seem to be...well...malfunctioning in this way. In fact I have only told a couple of people that I have this problem, and they were dudes that I was in long-term relationships with.

Based on my general conversations about sex with women and dudes, however, I gather that this is a rare problem. Women can almost always cum from oral or manual stimulation, even if not from intercourse itself. But not me. So I've had no one to really discuss this with, or get advice from, as no one really understands, and I am too embarrassed to talk about it anyway. That said, I've faked it with a few dudes I've casually hooked up with (who hasn't?). I hate doing that. It puts pressure on me to fake it at the right time and to do it convincingly, and also sets a precedent that I'll have to fake it again if we hook up again, and of course leaves me unsatisfied. And, if any of these casual hookups should turn into something more (yeah, unlikely, I know), I've now started a relationship based on lies. But, faking it avoids me having to give any explanations as to my lack of orgasm.

The second option, where I warn him it may not happen, kinda sucks too. It leaves him feeling inadequate that he couldn't make me cum, and makes me feel like a freak. I recently hooked up with a dude and tried to orgasm the "natural" way (me rubbing my clit while he fucked me)...it was wishful thinking on my part, and after a couple hours of sex he got tired and didn't even cum himself. So I felt like I disappointed him in two ways--he felt like he couldn't please me, and I put so much pressure on him for so long that he got too tired to even be able to please himself. So this option sucks too.

The third option, where I attempt to sexily and un-intimidatingly bring my "little friend" into the mix, is one I've tried during casual sex with mixed success. One dude thought it was hot, which was cool. One dude was totally accepting and had used toys with women before (though never as a necessity), but confessed that he still wanted to make me cum himself. I assured him "It's not you, it's me," which sounds so cliche and false, but in this case it's true. Another dude did not seem so keen on the whole thing, but still let me use the toy anyway while we fucked. But, though he never told me himself, I suspect it was the reason we stopped hooking up after a few times. He just seemed so uncomfortable. So, bringing out the toy can make a dude feel inadequate, and makes me feel like a freak, and (I think) in many cases makes him think I'm a freak. But this is the only option that lets me cum.

I'm not new to sex, let me assure you. I've tried anything and everything and it's just a fact--it's either the toy or no orgasm (even when masturbating). In a relationship situation, I would bring up the subject slowly and before we've had sex, and feel him out to see if this was something that he would be comfortable with. But in a casual hookup situation (which is all I'll be doing for awhile), I don't know what to do. It's casual semi-anonymous sex--there's usually just no way to bring it up before we hop in the sack.

So, DW, what do you think most dudes would prefer? Should I risk making him (and myself) uncomfortable by introducing the toy? (if so, got any tips on how to do this with minimal awkwardness and embarrassment?) Lie and fake it? Or tell him it may not happen, but focus on giving him the best fuck of his life while secretly feeling disappointed?

Not to burden you with my girly emotions, but I can't even count how many times I've cried and felt hopelessly sexually inadequate because of my problem. I want to feel free and uninhibited when it comes to sex (and in many other ways I do), but this thing has always held me back. I just hate knowing that I'm a freak.

Thanks for listening,
Orgasm Deficient


Hi OD,

There are two lessons the DW learned from waiting tables.

Lesson One - If you are relaxed and believe everything is okay, your tables will relax and believe everything is okay. Food late? No problem. Order mixed up? No problem. Need to pull out a sex toy? No problem.

Lesson Two - It is impossible to anticipate who is going to tip and who isn't, so you might as well just do the job the way you want to do it and whatever happens, happens.

(The DW actually also learned that it could be remarkably effective to blame everything on the kitchen, but since that lesson's not exactly honorable we'll disregard it for the metaphorical purposes at hand.)

So let’s look, OD, at how Lesson One applies to you.

First things first, you need to understand that you are not a freak. The DW usually hesitates to claim he knows anything about women, but all his experience with the womenfolk, direct or anecdotal, makes him pretty darned sure that needing your little p*ssyhelper is, in fact, distinctly un-freakish. Look, if he's horny enough a dude can rub one out while eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and looking up movie times on Fandango. Women, well, not so much, right? The DW had a girlfriend years ago for whom an orgasm was kind of like spotting Sasquatch- a lot of squinting, excitement, celebration, and an urge to alert the local news, but later when you went back and looked at the film it turned out all you had was some dude running through the woods in a gorilla suit. Okay, so that simile kinda fell apart.

But the point is this- everybody's got that thing they need to scale mighty Orgasm Mountain, and yours happens to be a vibrator, that's all. Big deal. Normal as pooping. It could be a hell of a lot worse. What if you were one of those folks that needed, well, pooping?

The DW would like to invite readers with vaginas to comment about this. You are seriously not freakish. Can’t stress this enough. Once you understand you have nothing to be ashamed of or worry about, you can apply Lesson One to the wieners in your life. If you are relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay, the wiener will be relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay.

Lesson Two translates pretty easily, as well. Look, if the DW took it personally every time he got a sh#tty tip he would have become a very angry, confused, self-doubting waiter dude, indeed. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t control how people are going to behave, no matter how quickly you bring their breadsticks or whatever. And you can’t control reaction (other than as in Lesson One) to your vibrator, either. If some dude is so sans nuts he thinks your orgasm needs are a reflection on him and wants to get all boo-hoo poor me about it, well, maybe that tells you all you need to know about what a chump the dude is. Maybe it’s just because the DW happens to be an outrageously creative and confident lovah, but he bets there are a lot more dudes than you think who would not only take you up on using the toy, but greedily inquire about what else you’ve got in that bedside drawer. Seriously, you could tell the DW that getting off required a dozen eggs, a garden gnome, and a small suitcase full of chick peas and he would simply ask what went where and in what order.

And so all of this leads us back towards pretty familiar DW territory. The best thing to do here is just be up front with a dude. Dudes understand direct. They don’t understand hints, especially when it comes to the many-faceted wonder that is the human vagina. Just say what you need. And say so confidently. This thing that you view as a problem is not a malfunction, rare, weird, or any of those other words you used in your note in any way. It's how your p*ssy works. Big frickin' deal. The DW can't stress this enough. Normal.

Casual hookup night? Just pull that vibrator out and tell the dude how to use it. Or, how to watch you use it. Whatever you like. Don't apologize for yourself because there is nothing to apologize for. As long as you make sure that the dude’s ending is similarly happy, he'll do whatever you want. And if he doesn't, tell the dumb sh&t to leave. In the DW's opinion, you don't need to do any pre-depantsing explanation because 1) again, This Is Not Weird and 2) casual hookups are full of surprises for you, too. Seriously, do you expect a guy to tell you while you're still at the bar flirting over margaritas, "So, um, you should know ahead of time that I've got one of those bendy dicks. We're talkin', like, serious right turn, Clyde . Oh, and my balls smell." No. And your preferences aren’t even unppealing, anyway, so don't sweat it.

For a long term thing? Maybe, if you want, you can talk about this beforehand, but not necessary. Pretty much all the stuff above still applies.

So, don't fake any orgasms and don't set up some other situation where you're constantly sexually disappointed or any of that kind of stuff. Deception, especially where genitals are involved, does not do well in the long term. You will have problems and regrets. It's not worth it. Rather than ask what a dude would prefer, ask yourself what you would prefer. The DW bets what you would prefer is a dude who isn't phased by your toy in the least. So, if you find out sooner than later that some dude is freaked out by a little harmless toy, well, maybe that’s all for the good so you can decide whether or not you want to educate him or dump his a*s before you get too involved.

Seriously, though. No more crying, babydoll! You're no freak and this is no burden to anybody. Believe it.

Best of luck with the dudes, and may you never run out of batteries,

the DW