Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dudefile# 34 - The Vibrator


Dear Dude Whisperer,

Love your advice. Now I've got one I'm betting you haven't heard before. I am horribly cursed with an almost complete inability to orgasm.


Actually, it's an inability to orgasm in any kind of natural way. The only way that I *can* have an orgasm is by stimulating my clit with a vibrator. Don't get me wrong, I am a very sexual person--I'm constantly horny and I love sex, kissing, fondling, giving and receiving oral, etc etc etc. But the road to orgasm is rough and rocky, and can only be overcome with the use of a battery operated device.

This poses a problem for me, as I am recently back on the singles market and want to have some fun with my weekends. I've hooked up with several dudes since becoming single, and with each one I revisit my dilemma: do I fake an orgasm? or do I just tell him it might not happen, but that i'll have fun no matter what and am happy to please him? (which is a bit of a fib, because it definitely will not happen and it does impact my level of fun.) or do I bring out my small and unassuming clit stimulator, which I know strikes feelings of inadequacy into the hearts of many dudes?

Let me tell you my feelings on the subject. First off, I am embarrassed and depressed by the fact that I seem to be...well...malfunctioning in this way. In fact I have only told a couple of people that I have this problem, and they were dudes that I was in long-term relationships with.


Based on my general conversations about sex with women and dudes, however, I gather that this is a rare problem. Women can almost always cum from oral or manual stimulation, even if not from intercourse itself. But not me. So I've had no one to really discuss this with, or get advice from, as no one really understands, and I am too embarrassed to talk about it anyway. That said, I've faked it with a few dudes I've casually hooked up with (who hasn't?). I hate doing that. It puts pressure on me to fake it at the right time and to do it convincingly, and also sets a precedent that I'll have to fake it again if we hook up again, and of course leaves me unsatisfied. And, if any of these casual hookups should turn into something more (yeah, unlikely, I know), I've now started a relationship based on lies. But, faking it avoids me having to give any explanations as to my lack of orgasm.

The second option, where I warn him it may not happen, kinda sucks too. It leaves him feeling inadequate that he couldn't make me cum, and makes me feel like a freak. I recently hooked up with a dude and tried to orgasm the "natural" way (me rubbing my clit while he fucked me)...it was wishful thinking on my part, and after a couple hours of sex he got tired and didn't even cum himself. So I felt like I disappointed him in two ways--he felt like he couldn't please me, and I put so much pressure on him for so long that he got too tired to even be able to please himself. So this option sucks too.

The third option, where I attempt to sexily and un-intimidatingly bring my "little friend" into the mix, is one I've tried during casual sex with mixed success. One dude thought it was hot, which was cool. One dude was totally accepting and had used toys with women before (though never as a necessity), but confessed that he still wanted to make me cum himself. I assured him "It's not you, it's me," which sounds so cliche and false, but in this case it's true. Another dude did not seem so keen on the whole thing, but still let me use the toy anyway while we fucked. But, though he never told me himself, I suspect it was the reason we stopped hooking up after a few times. He just seemed so uncomfortable. So, bringing out the toy can make a dude feel inadequate, and makes me feel like a freak, and (I think) in many cases makes him think I'm a freak. But this is the only option that lets me cum.

I'm not new to sex, let me assure you. I've tried anything and everything and it's just a fact--it's either the toy or no orgasm (even when masturbating). In a relationship situation, I would bring up the subject slowly and before we've had sex, and feel him out to see if this was something that he would be comfortable with. But in a casual hookup situation (which is all I'll be doing for awhile), I don't know what to do. It's casual semi-anonymous sex--there's usually just no way to bring it up before we hop in the sack.


So, DW, what do you think most dudes would prefer? Should I risk making him (and myself) uncomfortable by introducing the toy? (if so, got any tips on how to do this with minimal awkwardness and embarrassment?) Lie and fake it? Or tell him it may not happen, but focus on giving him the best fuck of his life while secretly feeling disappointed?

Not to burden you with my girly emotions, but I can't even count how many times I've cried and felt hopelessly sexually inadequate because of my problem. I want to feel free and uninhibited when it comes to sex (and in many other ways I do), but this thing has always held me back. I just hate knowing that I'm a freak.

Thanks for listening,
Orgasm Deficient



Hi OD,

There are two lessons the DW learned from waiting tables.

Lesson One - If you are relaxed and believe everything is okay, your tables will relax and believe everything is okay. Food late? No problem. Order mixed up? No problem. Need to pull out a sex toy? No problem.

Lesson Two - It is impossible to anticipate who is going to tip and who isn't, so you might as well just do the job the way you want to do it and whatever happens, happens.

(The DW actually also learned that it could be remarkably effective to blame everything on the kitchen, but since that lesson's not exactly honorable we'll disregard it for the metaphorical purposes at hand.)

So let’s look, OD, at how Lesson One applies to you.

First things first, you need to understand that you are not a freak. The DW usually hesitates to claim he knows anything about women, but all his experience with the womenfolk, direct or anecdotal, makes him pretty darned sure that needing your little p*ssyhelper is, in fact, distinctly un-freakish. Look, if he's horny enough a dude can rub one out while eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and looking up movie times on Fandango. Women, well, not so much, right? The DW had a girlfriend years ago for whom an orgasm was kind of like spotting Sasquatch- a lot of squinting, excitement, celebration, and an urge to alert the local news, but later when you went back and looked at the film it turned out all you had was some dude running through the woods in a gorilla suit. Okay, so that simile kinda fell apart.

But the point is this- everybody's got that thing they need to scale mighty Orgasm Mountain, and yours happens to be a vibrator, that's all. Big deal. Normal as pooping. It could be a hell of a lot worse. What if you were one of those folks that needed, well, pooping?

The DW would like to invite readers with vaginas to comment about this. You are seriously not freakish. Can’t stress this enough. Once you understand you have nothing to be ashamed of or worry about, you can apply Lesson One to the wieners in your life. If you are relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay, the wiener will be relaxed in the sack and believe everything is okay.

Lesson Two translates pretty easily, as well. Look, if the DW took it personally every time he got a sh#tty tip he would have become a very angry, confused, self-doubting waiter dude, indeed. Sometimes you just have to accept that you can’t control how people are going to behave, no matter how quickly you bring their breadsticks or whatever. And you can’t control reaction (other than as in Lesson One) to your vibrator, either. If some dude is so sans nuts he thinks your orgasm needs are a reflection on him and wants to get all boo-hoo poor me about it, well, maybe that tells you all you need to know about what a chump the dude is. Maybe it’s just because the DW happens to be an outrageously creative and confident lovah, but he bets there are a lot more dudes than you think who would not only take you up on using the toy, but greedily inquire about what else you’ve got in that bedside drawer. Seriously, you could tell the DW that getting off required a dozen eggs, a garden gnome, and a small suitcase full of chick peas and he would simply ask what went where and in what order.

And so all of this leads us back towards pretty familiar DW territory. The best thing to do here is just be up front with a dude. Dudes understand direct. They don’t understand hints, especially when it comes to the many-faceted wonder that is the human vagina. Just say what you need. And say so confidently. This thing that you view as a problem is not a malfunction, rare, weird, or any of those other words you used in your note in any way. It's how your p*ssy works. Big frickin' deal. The DW can't stress this enough. Normal.

Casual hookup night? Just pull that vibrator out and tell the dude how to use it. Or, how to watch you use it. Whatever you like. Don't apologize for yourself because there is nothing to apologize for. As long as you make sure that the dude’s ending is similarly happy, he'll do whatever you want. And if he doesn't, tell the dumb sh&t to leave. In the DW's opinion, you don't need to do any pre-depantsing explanation because 1) again, This Is Not Weird and 2) casual hookups are full of surprises for you, too. Seriously, do you expect a guy to tell you while you're still at the bar flirting over margaritas, "So, um, you should know ahead of time that I've got one of those bendy dicks. We're talkin', like, serious right turn, Clyde . Oh, and my balls smell." No. And your preferences aren’t even unppealing, anyway, so don't sweat it.

For a long term thing? Maybe, if you want, you can talk about this beforehand, but not necessary. Pretty much all the stuff above still applies.

So, don't fake any orgasms and don't set up some other situation where you're constantly sexually disappointed or any of that kind of stuff. Deception, especially where genitals are involved, does not do well in the long term. You will have problems and regrets. It's not worth it. Rather than ask what a dude would prefer, ask yourself what you would prefer. The DW bets what you would prefer is a dude who isn't phased by your toy in the least. So, if you find out sooner than later that some dude is freaked out by a little harmless toy, well, maybe that’s all for the good so you can decide whether or not you want to educate him or dump his a*s before you get too involved.

Seriously, though. No more crying, babydoll! You're no freak and this is no burden to anybody. Believe it.

Best of luck with the dudes, and may you never run out of batteries,

the DW

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have several women friends who cannot orgasm without manually stimulating themselves. If a guy rubs me with his fingers, I feel pain. I love oral sex and penetration, but fingers freak me out! I was sexually abused until I was nine, so for a while, when I started having sex, I couldn't get off unless I visualized some nasty fantasies. ummm not poop, but abuse fantasies. I went to therapy to figure it all out, because I really hated the fantasies, and I needed help, but I still don't like fingers. So, you see, what is normal anyway?

Anonymous said...

anon 9:10 here again, I don't understand the right turn Clyde reference. What does that video have to do with a bendy penis?

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com said...

hi, anon 9:10-

first of all, thanks for the first comment. really underscores some of what the DW was trying to say in a real and tangible way.

as for clyde- well, in 'any which way but loose' clint eastwood had an orangutan named clyde. (that's what the link shows) and in one scene he says 'right turn, clyde' and clyde punches a guy in the face bc a 'right turn' signal is an arm extended that direction. now that's comedy, huh? anyway, the DW couldn't find that particular clip anywhere on the whole wide interwebs, so he subbed in the other 'classic' clyde maneuver of faking getting shot which may or may not make any connection for folks who haven't come across that forgotten gem of a movie...

thedudewhisperer@yahoo.com said...

oh, and it just seemed like 'right turn, clyde' would be funny as in right turn + name + pop culture reference = bendy wiener.

Anonymous said...

dewd is right again!

also, you might try getting some sexier toys made for two. go to goodvibes.com and browse around. they have the amazing fuzuoku, the tiny vibrator that you wear on your finger. it's discreet, and, except for the sound, shouldn't disturb the dude's action any more than fingering yourself will.

they also have this awesome toy that's a cock ring with a mini-vibe attached. this is especially fun because the dude's got a vibe attached to his dick so he's getting it, too, and if you do it right, he's vibing you while you're fucking.

the key isn't finding a guy who already can deal with your vibe issues. the key is selling it on the spot. you know how to sell it or you wouldn't be getting laid, so just include the vibrator as a selling point.

Juno said...

In the immortal words of a fling of mine: nothing that gets in the way of your coming is allowed. Such a sweet boy.

Just bring the vibe to bed with you in a matter of fact way, because there is nothing wrong with needing a technical assist. Completely normal. Peace with your needs has to START with you though, because (to a degree) you set the tone with your own expectations. This used to be an issue for me - and the more matter of fact I got about it, the better a time I had. NO one worth fucking is going to care and most of them will be happy to play with all your toys.

a said...

Nothing weird about it. Another can't come if my life depended on it woman here. I have to have a heavy duty vibrator, and I can't even be in the same room with a guy for it to work. Except for the one spontaneous orgasm I had during sex about a year ago, that has never returned. And I don't make a big deal about it, and neither does my husband and I enjoy sex and get off in my own time and we are both happy.

I will mention, DW, though, that some men take the "I can't orgasm without a vibrator/at all/whatever" as a personal challenge. Of course you can't, because you haven't been with me yet. And it is super annoying. Especially if it is a one night stand, I'm not interested in being some accomplishment for some dude I might not see again, and why can't some men take "it's not going to happen" as just that, and move along and enjoys themselves?

Anonymous said...

many years ago, when i was in college, i was talking to a bunch of people who lived in my dorm in one of those late night bonding sessions. in that conversation, it turned out that none of the women had ever had an orgasm from sex. some could cum from fingers, some from oral, and some not at all. oddly enough, all the dudes claimed that all the women they had had sex with had orgasms. every single time.

hmmm.

i bring this up to point out that:

1. od is not a freak. as a matter of fact, she is quite normal.

2. there are a lot of women who fake it. or there are a lot of clueless dudes.

Anonymous said...

I also have a really hard time having an orgasm with a guy. It has happened about five times in the entire 25 years I've beem having sex. Two of those times was with casual partners in the past two years since my divorce and I chalk those up to the excitement of sex with a hot stranger after a lifetime of one partner.

I had an argument with one of my casual partners about it--he hinted that something might be wrong with me because I didn't cum with him. Never mind that he was ABYSMALLY BAD in bed, I mean it was five minutes of my life I'll never get back again, SERIOUSLY, and apparently every other woman he'd ever been with had cum explosively with him. I snapped at him that many women fake it and the odds were pretty good at least SOME of them had faked it. Thus ended that encounter.

This was an issue all through my 16 year marriage and I've found this out about myself--if a guy puts any pressure on me to cum, I mean ANY AT ALL, I shut down immediately and there's no way it's happening then. I'm just so sick of it being all about them.

OD, I understand your frustration about guys who take it personally. So far I haven't run into one man who can handle it. It can be very depressing and frustrating.

Tucat said...

I think it is something to do with trust and love - could be wrong !

Anonymous said...

sorry tucat, i think you ARE wrong. trust and love factor into it, but what they factor into is comfortability. if trust and love make you comfortable with someone, then maybe it'll happen. if hot sex with random nameless strangers makes you comfortable, then maybe it'll happen. it's different for everyone. but if whatever makes you comfortable isn't there, it's not gunna happen.

i'm one of those where sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. never from sex, only from fingers or oral. but it always happen with a vibrator! and i'm ok with that. not weird.

beth said...

how a person orgasms has so much to do with the way they first experienced sexual pleasure... like as a kid or young adult. our bodies and brains are conditioned over time to react to certain stimulation in a certain way. we begin to associate certain feelings or stimulation or memories or fantasies or whatever, with the reaction we are used to getting from it- especially from our first formative experiences. i started masturbating when i was young with a little hand massager and for years and years could only have an orgasm with that same kind of stimulation. i had to completely consciously retrain my body and mind to react to different stimulation. most fetishes and fantasies and general sexual behaviors come from the visceral associations people have from their earliest sexual memories. so in that way i think if its treated as both a visceral, emotional issue and is sort of deconstructed intellectually, (making connections with memories and associations you may not be consciously aware of all the time) you can absolutely overcome those restrictions that have become such a monumental issue in your mind. until that is accomplished, just have fun! don't stress! vibrating cock rings are awesome and easy. the best thing about casual sex is learning and experiencing new things with new people who experience things in new and different ways. your partners are going to be stoked and lucky to be with a woman who knows how to get some shit taken care of! little challenges like this are great opportunities to figure out and try awesome stuff you never would have experienced otherwise. sex is boring if its just the same thing all the time. and absolutely don't feel guilty for wanting to be fulfilled and satisfied. just because its not as easy for you to come doesn't mean you don't deserve to as much as the next guy.

Carriad said...

You are not going to like my advice and will probably ignore it, but it would be to dump the vibrator; seriously. The clit has gotten totally desensitized by the over-use of the vibrator and is only making it more difficult for a non-vibrator orgasm to happen!

It will probably take a while, but if you could quit the vibrator cold turkey, after a while the sensitivity to an orgasm with something other than a vibrator (fingers, cock) would eventually return.

Anonymous said...

This isi in response the woman who needed her buzzy toy to cum.

Over the years I have found a few things that made orgasms challenging here are the top few:

1) Anti depressants, (including some herbal substitutes) can make it so allusive and unsatisfying I did not want to attempt it at all. Check the meds.

2) Using a vibrator at all got me accustomed to only being able to cum with a vibrator. AND it left my normally supper sensitive clit numb. It took weeks of no use to reset this.

So. Project one: Are you willing to relearn your body?

How about acquiring a Tantric practice?

There is a possibility that to do that you might get really frustrated in the mean time?

3) Any upsets with a past history of sexual abuse, (rape or starting too young, or being touched in anyway by someone that did not work for you at all, or someone you did not want to be touching you)
can really wreak havoc on a luscious orgasm.

Processing that out of your system how ever you do it – with a highly experienced counselor... even through a dedicated purposeful YOGA practice... works wonders!

Anonymous said...

anon 9:10 again. Here here to the yoga comment above!! Yoga has helped my life in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

oh, and thx for explaining the Clyde video:) sweet analogy.

Anonymous said...

The DW Rocks, as usual! Everyone's supportive comments are great too. I have heard a lot about being desensitized by vibrators so that is the only way you can cum. I don't know, I'm one of those freaks that cums too much, too soon, every time, usually more than once... SO FORGET ME...I just want to say that this nugget from the DW should be SET IN STONE or put someplace important (a calendar quote or something):

"Deception, especially where genitals are involved, does not do well in the long term."

Anonymous said...

For ages, I could only gett off with a vibrator and was convinced that it was the only way. I had one boyfriend who could bring me to orgasm orally, but we broke up. For years, I never came during sex and if I was out of batteries, couldn't come at all. I just accepted it. In the past year, a few things happened that changed that. 1) I stopped taking ALL medications (birth control and occassional anti-anxiety meds) 2) My vibrator kicked the bucket at a time when I couldn't afford to replace it and 3) I fell in love and entered a committed, monogamous relationship. I think it's a combination effect: I am comfortable and relaxed with my partner (as well as incredibly attracted to him), I don't have any chemical hang ups (I could never come when drunk, once when high, but could never duplicate that effect. we usually have sex in the morning, so i'm sober and rested), and without a vibrator at my disposal, i slowly became more sensitive over a period of time. now, i can bring myself to orgasm manually (with the help of some lube) and for the first time, i orgasm semi-reguarly during sex, and if not, can usually finish the job afterward fairly easily. It's not impossible! I once thought it was.

Anonymous said...

i second the "dump the vibrator" comment. For years i was a vibrator-only orgasmer and then in the interests of not having to deal with basically the same problem you're having right now, i went cold turkey to "retrain my clit" and, i forget how long it took but it couldn't have been more than a few weeks or I would have lost my mind; one day i got horny, was looking at some internet porn, and successfully used my hand. it was a hallelujah moment and a huge relief.

but besides that... who cares about the one dude out of three who was freaked out? he was a casual hookup anyway, so no loss. focus on the two other dudes who were completely fine with it, especially the one who was eager. there are more like him out there, if you don't feel like trying to detox from the vibe.