Friday, January 2, 2009

Dudefile# 40 - I'm Kind of a "Zen" Dater

Hi DW,

I hope you had a nice break, but there's no rest for the awesome. See what you got yourself into? We can't live without you now.

I am just about ready to throw in the towel. For the past two years every guy I've dated has fallen into one of two categories. A) Tries to get in my pants ASAP or B) Wants a relationship ASAP, i.e. is acting all jealous and calling me pet names by the end of the first date, practically picking out china patterns (I should send these guys to the reader who wrote in wanting the insta-commitment).

I'm kind of a "Zen" dater, as in I don't have a list, I don't have an agenda. When I meet someone for the first time I try to keep an open mind. WTF happened to being interested in getting to know someone as a person? I'm not sleeping with any of them so we can't blame it on that.

I feel like dudes are mentally going through their particular "list" and seeing if I fit into it. If I don’t fit the list, they want to bone me and move on. At least that is dude behavior I can understand.

If I
do fit the list of what they're looking for I am immediately the person for them, never mind we've known each other for four hours and they know nothing of substance about me. I don't understand this one--it's creepy and it makes me want to run clear through the nearest wall. I feel like I could be anyone and they wouldn't care, they would be acting the exact same way. What self-respecting person would have a relationship under those circumstances?? Are some dudes so desperate to keep from being alone that they do this? Are a lot of dudes like this or am I just meeting the wrong ones? I feel the need to smack them over the head with my personality so they can get a clue that I am more than a means to an end for their loneliness.

Just once I'd like to meet a dude who actually listens to what I say and remembers stupid things like my favorite color or flower, or that I cry at Pixar and Disney movies. I don't think I'm asking for too much, am I?

Frustratedly yours,

I'm A Person Dammit

Hi Dammit,

So let’s say that it’s a warm, clear Northern California day and a friend calls the DW and says, “Let’s go on a hike.” The DW will answer, “To what?” If the point of the hike is to get a pancake breakfast at the West Point Inn, the DW is already tying his shoes and stretching his tawny jungle cat thighs. If the point of the hike is just to wander around some hillside for ‘some fresh air’, the DW will probably make up some excuse about his bunions or whatever and find another way to enjoy the sunshine.

This is not to say that the DW is super type A or anything. He likes to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood to take pictures and find new Mexican pastry joints. And he can watch the f^ck out of a football game on the couch just like the next dude. But he does like there to be some purpose to what he’s doing, even if the purpose is to, well, watch a stupid football game on the couch. A lot of dudes are like this. Dudes like to have a purpose to things.

What this means is that a lot of your problem stems from the fact that dudes tend to look at dating quite differently than you do. “Zen dating”, to someone who wants to know the purpose of things, may well sound just as annoying as this rush to Pants Or Relationship stuff does to you. Not sayin’ one is more right than the other, just sayin’.

In other words, if a dude asks you out he has a reason. Wanting to mouth massage your delectable boobies is a reason. Desiring a relationship is a reason. Hangin’ out for the hell of it is not a reason.

When the DW was still on the market he was never so in a rush as these dudes you describe. Any dude who wants to marry you after one date has issues to be wary of and you are right to feel a little creeped out by such a dude. Still, the DW will say that he was never interested in dating for the hell of it, either. Dating three women at a time casually seemed like more of a pain in the a%s than anything else. Why would the DW want to go out and do a bunch of date stuff and chat and pick up the check and all the rest of it without either a little humpity-hump or a committed relationship to look forward to? If he just wanted to hang out, he’d call up a dude friend and scalp bleacher seats for a Giants game.

As for your other question- No, you're not asking too much to want a dude to remember your favorite color or flower or whatever. But understand that the only reason a dude remembers items like those is because he is doing it for you. The DW couldn't tell you the favorite color of one dude friend he has, even the ones that go back 20 years. These are not things dudes value all that much. So, if you want a dude to remember things like that and honor your way of thinking you're gonna get a lot further if you make a little effort to understand dude things in return. Right now it doesn't seem like you're assuming there is a middle ground in which you and a dude should meet. Your focus seems to be more on converting a dude to where you are.

May you find some patience and Zen about the non-Zen ways of the dude. Best,

the DW


Anonymous said...

Happy Holidays, DW!

Hmm. Usually, as in always up until now, I find your advice to be right on the button. But I'm not so sure about this one. I actually kinda think this is one area where the dudes and the dudettes see eye-to-eye. If it were the dudette trying to lock in on a committed relationship after the first date, wouldn't the dude be turning tail with a cry of, "Run away!"? No one likes to feel they're just being plugged into someone else's get-less-lonely plan. said...

Hi Anon 1228. Happy Holidays to you, too!

So, actually the DW agrees as far as the Plug In question goes. And in the post he said something like if a dude's wanting to marry you after one date that is creepy. Run away, indeed.

The DW simply chose to focus more on the concept of Zen dating bc dudes, by and large, don't date with much Zen and that seemed to be at the heart of what needed to be interpreted for Dammit.

As a point of clarification for the ever curious DW- Are you saying that women date with just as much of a sense of purpose as men? The DW, as always, knows nothing about women. He was under the impression that, like Dammit, many women were able to be a little more Zen than men, a little more Go With the Flow or whatever.

Anonymous said...

Hey, DW...

Sorry if I over-looked the creepy dude section in your post...

This whole exchange is very interesting to me, because it seems to fly in the face of what I thought was conventional wisdom. I met my current dude via online dating, and once we'd gotten to know each other pretty well, we had a conversation about the whole online scene. He admitted that he'd assumed any dudette on a dating site who didn't include the word "play" in her profile was looking for something serious-- and that first dates were really auditions to see if he could qualify as Mr. Serious. I admitted that even though most dudes didn't include the word "play" in their profiles, that was because they had some savvy, and not because they weren't willing to go in for some no-strings hanky panky. I thought of a first date as an audition to be Ms. Hanky Panky with the possibility of becoming Ms. Serious.

It turned out that we were both wrong. We both saw early dates as a chance to see: if we got along, if we wanted to spend more time together, and, yup, whether we wanted to bone. (The answer to all of the above was yes.)

I don't know whether this really answers your question? Probably not!

Anonymous said...

This post highlights a cultural phenomenon that no one is discussing. Women always have to be wary of scaring guys away with their desire for a serious relationship. Yet, there are so many dudes out there, if not more dudes, who are wife hunting like it's their job. I've been on many dates where the dude shorthand was basically: "Wow, you're a brunette, you like Labs, you work out, and think The Family Guy is awesome. My mother is going to love you! Do you like round or square cut?"

Ladies,there are dudes out there now who are more list-oriented and superficial about compatibility than any power bitch!

Bravo to this poster for staying zen and recognizing that finding a genuine connection is the only agenda she should have.

Anonymous said...

Round or square cut?

Anonymous said...

I think it's a reference to her taste in diamonds, not flying wieners.

Anonymous said...

a square cut flying wiener sounds painful.

Anonymous said...

I have this problem allllllllllll the time. I personally get my jollies off with the ones that just want to sleep together, I mean why not get something out of it, or run from and duck calls from those getting ready to propose after the first date. Either way, it always makes for awkward run ins later... this situation is a personal pet peeve of mine as well!