Dear DW,
I read your blog all the time, and love it! I have often wanted to write in, but all of my "dude stuff" has been going really well lately. Last week, though a situation popped up with a friend dude, and I'd like to get your perspective.
I have this friend dude who decided last year to move in with his then girlfriend of about2 months (at time of lease signing) and about 4-5 months at time of moving in. Now, I should probably also mention that this friend dude, we'll call him Cal, also bought his girlfriend a cat for her birthday before he moved in with her. Cal hates cats. HATES. A few months into living with each other, Cal and his gf/roommate broke up. At first, things were fine. They remained friends, and were able to share a living space. However, lately, it seems to have gotten worse. Not only are Cal and his ex-gf/roommate fighting somewhat regularly, but the cat has also done a few things that drive Cal crazy (like peeing on his stuff), and he wants to get out of the apartment before their lease is up in a few months. Don't forget, though, Cal BOUGHT the cat. AND signed the 12-month lease.
So, you may wonder what all this has to do with me? Yeah, me, too. Turns out that Cal's solution to this problem is for me to move in with his ex/roommate so that he can move in with my roommate. He lived with my roommate before (non-romantically), and is planning on moving in with her at the end of our lease. I'm perfectly fine with that because I like living alone. However, I'm also perfectly comfortable staying in my apartment with my current roommate until my lease ends. Cal has offered to pay me $$$ (like, 200-300 buckaroos, approximately) to stay in my own apartment, but live with his ex/roommate. He believes that this will be best for everyone. He gets to move away from his ex and live with someone he knows he's comfortable living with, my roommate will live with someone she's lived with before, Cal's ex gets to get out of a crappy living situation, and what about me? But what do I have to gain? I have to live with someone that I don't know very well for about 5 months? Gee, yeah, great idea. Oh, and just so you know, I don't really take bribes or think that the money is incentive at all.
Also, he has lied to both me and his ex about the situation by telling both of us that the other one was excited about the move when it was not true. He's manipulating my friends to try to get them to convince me even though they have no personal gain in it either, and many have told me that they wouldn't do it. He also increases the dollar amount every time I talk to him about it. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and bombarded.
My personal opinion is that my life shouldn't have to change because his sucks. He's an adult. He needs to grow up and deal with this on his own. However, I'm facing a lot of possible fall-out from saying this to him. 1) He probably won't be my friend anymore. 2) My roommate, who is close with him also, may have issues staying neutral. 3) I look like a bad guy in his eyes and to whomever he decides to tell the story to. As much as I hate that, I'm willing to stick to my guns on this one. I don't think his problem should become my inconvenience.
What do you think?
Thanks for any light you can shed,
Not My Problem, or is it?
Hi NMPooi,
So this is how reading your note went down here at the house.
(Reading.) Oh, thanks for the compliments, dollface! Just being a genius. (Reading, reading.) Cal dude feels like trouble. Also, the DW likes cats. (Reading.) Yipes. Cal dude is a trainwreck with mustard and pickles. (Reading, reading.) Oh, F&ck That! Don't you dare clean up his poopoopants!
And that's when the Wifey poked her head in from the other room and said, “Did you just say poopoopants? OMG, you have to let me read this one.”
Look, the DW spent an inordinate amount of time this week caught up in Mafia Wars, Season Two of Mad Men, and about 178 straight hours of college basketball, but he didn't pick up the phone and say, “Hey, NMPooi, since I've been busy here on the couch scratching my balls, how 'bout you come on over and give the joint a vacuum. And you know, run the duvet cover through the wash and fix me some dinner while you're at it.” Uh, nope. Because, you know, that would make him a dick.
And sure, the DW's had dude friends who will just sorta throw out ridiculous ideas like the apartment switch just for the hell of it or to be funny or whatever. Hey, why not? And that's fine. Kind of obnoxious, but you just tell the dude to shut the f*ck up and it's over. But this lying to people stuff? The coercion? Seriously, how much of a selfish lazy turd do you have to be when the little cartoon light bulb over your head in this situation says, “I know the way out! Take a crap on my friends! Perfect!”
All this is simply to say- stick to your guns. You've got this figured out just fine. There's a limit to what a friend can reasonably expect from a friend and this cheap bribe/musical apartments/duplicitous/where does this poor urinating cat end up? bullsplatter is way too much. Friends have bad ideas all the time and if you listen to all of them you'll end up with a life that looks like Vancouver's disjointed effed up gothgrunge fake tattoo tapdancers followed by KD Lang singing from a giant mushroom opening ceremonies. If Cal were to seriously, actually decide that you are no longer friendworthy over this, so be it. Whatever, homes. Stay smooth with the ladies, hombre. Smell ya later, poopoopants.
Here's to a normal apartment life.
Best,
the DW
