A Note on The Mail

Dear fantastic and sexy readers,

A quick couple things about the DW’s mail.

Firstly, the DW is finally caught up on answering it. Thanks to those of you who waited patiently during the recent backlog for your own personal sprinkling of genius to arrive. If you have not received a reply to your email, the DW doesn’t have it an lays all blame at the feet of the 1994 caliber Yahoo Mail spam filter that gobbles just about everything but the pleas of Nigerian millionaires and exciting offers from purveyors of penis cremes. Please write again and the DW will respond in his usual thorough and personal manner. These days he goes through Inbox and Spam folders alike trying not to miss anything.

Secondly, a reminder again that the DW welcomes mail of all kinds, not just your questions regarding dudes. Dude of the Week nominations, cookie recipes, favorite sites, random crapola, ideas for new regular features, anything you think Dude Whisperer readers might enjoy knowing about – take a free minute or two and say hi. Oh, and of course, any updates about previous questions (whether the original responses have been posted yet or not) are personal favorites of the DW and the wifey.

Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend.

Best,

the DW

Dude of the Week! (#7)

This week the not quite weekly Dude Of The Week award comes to you via reader nomination. Well done, reader who nominated! And the winner is... Batmobile Dude! Read about him here and here.

Batmobile Dude, aka Bob Dullum, built this thing above with no plans and no help. Dude. That's a lot of time in the garage with manly tools, cheap beers, and cock rock. Or at least that's how the DW would have got it done. If, you know, he had any tools. Or could build anything. Or had a garage.

So, cheers to you, Batmobile Dude. For building some huge technical contraption that isn't really practical, cost you a sh&tload of time and money, and will do quite the opposite of getting you laid just because you damn well want to and f*ck anybody who thinks it's silly- you are the Dude of the Week!

Poll Results #11

Thanks as always to everyone for taking part in the polls here on The Dude Whisperer. Here’s what you had to say for Poll #11…

How soon did you know your current (or latest) dude was a Long Term Dude?

OMG! At first sight! - 5%
A few dates. – 41%
A few weeks. – 23%
A few months. – 17%
A really, really long time. – 11%

Dudes, how soon did you know your current (or latest) long term gal was a Long Term Gal?

OMG! At first sight! - 0%
A few dates. – 50%
A few weeks. – 33%
A few months. – 16%
A really, really long time. – 0%

In other words, within a few weeks this incredibly scientific data says 69% of women and 83% of dudes (83!) know whether or not their new squeeze is a keeper. That’s not a long time. You just know, right?

So, what to do with this information? Well, next time you’re bending your best friend’s ear about some dude you’ve been dating for three months and fighting with and he doesn’t call back all the time and you think he might be a keeper but sometimes you're not sure… Stop for second and remember that the vast majority of DW readers tell you that by three months you should know what’s up. And if you don't know, that should tell you something.

It’s like the DW has said a LOT already. The first couple months are when you’re supposed to be so saccharine and goofy and ridiculously in love that you gross out your friends and your siblings make fun of you. It’s when dudes actually find themselves thinking marriage and kids and houses makes perfect sense and everything in the world is easy and sweet and glorious and full of sunshine and rainbows. The bummers of reality are for later. Seriously, if you can’t get through dinner without bitching at each other in the first three months of a relationship, you think it’s gonna get easier in a year when you’re not trying out new wacky boob and wiener placement combinations every week, you share an apartment and have to negotiate everything from sheets to silverware, you acquire in-law-esque obligations with a dude’s family and friends, etc.? Yeah, right.

Look, can you learn work some things out as you go? Sure. Little practical things. But if there isn’t some general ease about a relationship pretty much right away, it’s not gonna come riding over the horizon on a unicorn.

Dudefile# 31 - It's Just Sex...Or Is It?

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I met a dude on the 4th of July through an ad on CL he posted saying he wanted someone to watch the fireworks with. I responded, we had started IM'ing when one of my friends came over and wanted me to go with her. So I didn't go with him.

We IM'd over the next few days and he started saying how he could really eat pussy. My experience has been that the more a guy says how good he is, the worse he really is. I told him this, but after more IM's, I ended up having him over a few weeks later. He was incredible!!

From there a sexual relationship started. I found out that there were other women he was having sex with at the same time. I told him there were other men I was sexual with (and there were). We saw each other every 2-3 weeks and were IM'ing every few days. It settled into a routine of me taking a cab over to his house (I didn't have a car at the time) dressed in something sexy enough that I HAD to wear a coat over it. I would come in, take the coat off, pour myself a drink and join him in the living room. We would drink, watch TV, talk, sit out on his deck and HOURS later would hit the sack. He would drive me home in the morning which would vary from 8am-12.

The next month I realized I had a mad crush on him, but wasn't worried about it as I figured it would subside. Until he called me on it. He asked me if I ever get attached to the people I have sex with. I told him that at one time or another I do usually develop crushes but they always go away so I don't pay much attention to it. He asked me if I had a crush on him. I told him that I thought he knew that I did. He said, "It's just sex you know". I told him I knew and that he shouldn't sweat it, that I wasn't looking for anything past what we were doing. He seemed fine with that and I actually saw him more often, turning into almost every weekend.

But the crush didn't go away. In September I told him on IM that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I had too much of a crush and it was too painful to be over there. His response was "Woman, get your emotions under control!! lol". He said he understood, but didn't really understand the problem, it was just sex, etc...

After more IM's I ended up giving in in October and we started up again, but not as often. It was about every three weeks to a month. We were IM'ing almost every day. Once - I saw him on January 11 and then didn't see him again until March 15th!

We had been trying to get together... when he called he said his friend from out of town was over. I told him I wasn't down with a threesome, he said it was all cool, just to come over. I went over in regular clothes and the three of us just hung out. I stayed over in his room (and had sex) while his friend took the sofa. I found out later his friend thought I was hot and DID want a threesome, but my guy told him no.

On April 4 we found out neither of us were having sex with any one else. He said he liked it that way and his schedule really doesn't allow for other women. I have now seen him the past three weekends.

The weekend before last we were both pretty drunk. He was showing me pictures of his friends from college and telling me funny stories. He asked me if I wasn't seeing other people because of him. I was worried he would think I was falling for him (which I am, but he doesn't need to know that) and said no, that I just wasn't comfortable with sleeping with so many people. He asked why I was sticking with him. I said because I enjoyed hanging out, that it wasn't just a wham bam, that we talk, watch movies, that it is a fun time. He said he agreed and then out of the blue said, "I dunno, maybe I'm just asking cause I am drunk, but would you ever date someone like me?" Of course I wanted to just jump him right there and live happily ever after, but instead I said, "Sure, why not, what's wrong with you?" He said nothing, that he didn't know what my type was. I responded that I didn't really have a physical type, that it is about how well I get along with them and common interests. He seemed satisfied with my answer and returned to picture showing.

That night in bed (we were both still pretty buzzed) we had the best sex. I was on top of him and he was being complimentary of my body (which unlike the other women who write to you, I am NOT hot!) and then said, "I am so into you it is ridiculous, I think about you ALL the time". Not knowing if he just meant sexually, I responded, "I think about you ALL the time". We finished up and he commented on how great the sex was and we feel asleep. I now have a car, so left around 8 that morning. I didn't hear from him for most of the week and he said he didn't know if he was going to be around because he had to help his father and then "get a bite to eat". I really thought he was blowing me off, until Fri night he popped up online around 10:30 and said he got home sooner than he thought and did I want to come over. I did.

We were playing strip poker (our favorite game) and I was losing. I got up to go to the bathroom and he told me to put on what was in there... I went in. There was a sexy outfit he had shown me the week before online.

I put in on - he loved it. We were making out and he says, "I am a jerk"

Me: why
him: because I was supposed to meet my friend for dinner and instead, after work, I went to the store and got you that.
Me: but you still went to dinner
Him: yes, but I was really late and then couldn't stop thinking of you and how you would look in that outfit all night. I kept wanting to just get home and see you
Me: aww, that's sweet.

And we continued to make out. We had sex and.. it was amazing. We looked into each other eyes the whole time.

He wants us to go to a hotel that has a hot tub the Fri of memorial day weekend. I am very excited.

So my question... is there a glimmer of hope for something more or am I just reading into this what I want to happen? I am terrified to tell him how I feel as I don't want to mess up what we already have, but if I DON'T say something I am worried the opportunity will pass me by.

Help!

HB


Hi there HB,

Hang on a sec. The DW needs a moment to dab his forehead. The hot basic-cable-like plot got him all worked up […Jotting a couple notes…Hoping wifey does not react badly to new ideas he might try later in week…need to make trip to several specialty stores…]

Okay. So. Here’s the thing about Mr. 9 1/2 Weeks. Whatever other smootha%s B.S. is coming out of his mouth, he still finds a way to periodically work in, “This is just sex.” He doesn’t hint or dance around- he’s literally said “This is just sex,” on several occasions. Now, as the DW has covered before, when a dude tells you he’s only interested in you for the Hoohoo Revue it is extremely unlikely you’re going to get more out of him in the emotions department. Dudes believe, correctly or not, that few things you could say are riskier than Just Sex if you want to keep paying a visit to the Land of The Magical Vagina. It’s why dudes lie to you about being “into you” or “open to a relationship” or whatever vague notexactlycommittal junk they can think of that makes you crazy. If a dude is honest enough to say, “This is just sex,” in his mind he is prepared to let you walk right out the door.

And given that this dude is not only Mr. Just Sex he’s Mr. Cinemax Friday After Dark, you have to keep the recent developments of what you perceive as his sensitivity or openness in context. Two thoughts.

One- The DW asks you to consider- are things really changing as you think they are, or, as you develop above the belt feelings are you simply starting to see what you want to see? You guys still just bone, he still takes you right home, lots of time passes between staged bonings….Think about it. Is he complimentary of your body because he likes you or because it would be incomparably and inconceivably stupid not to compliment your body when he’s got his wiener in an orifice of yours? What’s he supposed to say, “Oh, baby, I am so into you. Your rump is so adequate, possibly even Average/Above Average”? etc.

Two- Given that this dude is into this whole awesome old-school Coat Over The Sexy Underpants/ Strip Poker(!)/ Games That Are Way More Stylish Than Usually Happens In Real Life Unless You Have The Silky Smooth Encyclopedia Of Moves Of The DW kinda thing, doesn’t it seem likely that the few things he says that veer into Sensitive Land are just part of the theater of the situation? Part of some kind of power dynamic he’s set up? Clearly this dude gets off a little on all the pre-bone talking and waiting. He probably gets off on getting you to admit you’d date someone like him, too. It just helps him get ready for some of that World Champion caliber P*ssy Eating.

(And just a quick aside about the Pus%y Eating while we’re in the area, as it were. Do you really trust any dude who is a self-proclaimed expert Pus%y Eater? And who essentially introduces himself that way? Just because he can back it up doesn’t make this any less spectacularly weird. Seriously, would part of your Get To Know You schtick with a dude ever include, “Oh, and I could win an Olympic gold medal in 100 Meter Freestyle C*cksucking”? Please.)

Anyway, the DW could go on and on, but you get where he’s going. This situation is awesome in some ways, utterly bananas in others, but you’re simply not likely to get more than more fun sexy games out of this dude. You can lay your strip poker cards on the table and ask for a relationship if you like, but be prepared for the answer to be something like, “Relationship? No thanks, babydoll. Now how about you take off that outfit nice and slow.” It’s up to you to decide if you can dial back your expectations and just enjoy playtime. Either way, though, you won't mess up "what you have" by asking. All you have right now is free sex and this dude will gladly hang on to that as long as you let him.

Best,

the DW

Online Dating Tip #3 - Beware the "Soul Mate"

Soul mate, partner in crime, chemistry. In the ear of the dude you want to meet these phrases and others like them mean, at best, wah-wah wah-wah-wah words words wah-wah-wah. At worst they mean, Ah, another gal taking a stroll through imaginary buzzword fairy land. No soup for you! Next! Think of how your eyes glaze over when you hear a politician say anything about Character of The American People or whatever. Blah. Blah. Stop it! What does that mean?!

And there’s a particular kind of tinge to these phrases that goes beyond just plain fairyland buzzword substitution of real ideas. They feel to dudes like fairyland buzzwords developed in a secret Siberian bunker by the people who invented Marie Claire, daytime dramas, Sarah McLachlan, and California Coolers. You’re not only confusing a dude, you’re making him picture life without balls.

The remedy? Just don’t write this stuff. What does “soul mate” mean to you? Really think about it. Type it out in your words. You’ll probably be surprised how much more compelling the idea seems to you and everyone else.

Now, a recent commenter mentioned that dudes also use “partner in crime” in their profiles. The DW finds this horrifying and can only hope that the reader happened to come across the profiles of James Blunt, Jack Johnson, and the Jonas Brothers that day. But maybe this is a good way to reiterate the above. Do you want a dude that would walk up to you in a grocery store or a café and say, “Hey, wanna be my partner in crime?” Don’t those words out of a dude’s mouth set off your internal B.S. Alarm? Your Insincerity/Shallowness Detector? So what kind of dude do you think responds to those phrases when you use them?

And now, for no reason, the first part of Be My Valentine Charlie Brown, featuring the original voice of wah-wah wah-wah-wah-wah, Charlie Brown’s teacher.

A Note on Wrong Words and Old Links

A couple housecleaning items....

1) For those of you who haven't read the comments for Dudefile #30- I Like To Do Dude Stuff, someone was kind enough to point out that the DW had wildly misused the word swarthy. Swarthy, as the DW now knows after a humbling trip to the dictionary, means "having a dark complexion". When he wrote the original post he thought it meant something along the lines of dashing or swashbuckling or icantakeoverapirateshipwithonehandtiedbehindmyback. So, in case you thought the DW was going down some weird racial road for no reason? Um, nope. He was just being a little uncharacteristically un-geniuslike.
2) The links list is getting a little long over there to the left, so the DW is gonna delete a few. In case you missed them before, here you go...

Gaspare's Pizza - One of the DW's fave pies in SF
Dude on Wikipedia
"The Dude Vote" from Salon.com
"Linguist Deconstructs "Dude"
"We Are The World" in Japan - the DW begs you, do yourself a favor and watch
A Tour of the Wienermobile
Jaguar vs. Eagle - Mascot fight!
"Radiolab" program from WNYC
The Bonefish Whisperer
Cheesteak Eggroll - a cheesesteak freakin eggroll!
Tennessee Lady Vols Basketball Fan Site- the over the top intro is pretty sweet
Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene
Keyboards Dirtier Than A Toilet
Dude Cartoons
"Nerdcore For Life" Trailer - keep it real, y'all
Urinal Video Game - if you know where one of these is, let the DW know
Armwrestling Dot Com
"We Are Wizards" trailer

Dudefile# 30 - I Like To Do Dude Stuff

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I know it’s been said that men and women can never truly be just friends. The tension of attraction or non-attraction always gets in the way. I’ve had the good fortune to have had good male friends and sometimes it’s worked and sometimes it hasn’t. My best friend is a dude but he’s also gay and isn’t really into dude stuff. I have plenty of female friends but none that like to do dude stuff. Therein lies my quandary. I’m a single woman whose heart yearns to hang with the dudes. I have a standing appointment for a weekly manicure, an out of control passion for reading fashion magazines and buying expensive shoes but the truth is, there’s no place I’d rather be other than hosting a fight party, attending a Superbowl party, watching the game at a sports bar, or watching the Mets at Shea Stadium. (Don’t hate on the Mets!)

I live in NYC and I’ve been single for about six months now. Much more than a boyfriend, lately what I’m really missing is male companionship and camaraderie. I miss the good old days of hanging with a bunch of dudes, drinking beer, playing pool, talking shit, watching the game/match/tournament, and never once discussing relationships or feelings. My girl friends simply don’t get it and think I’m being ridiculous, praying this is a “phase” which will pass.

I’m not really into the “trying to find a boyfriend” scene right now because my ex is so completely amazing and incomparable that I haven’t been able to meet anyone without experiencing an overwhelming sense of disappointment. (He’s a U.S. government employee and has been assigned, for about the next four years, to work in a dangerous part of the world, thousands of miles away. We parted on the best of terms and he will remain the love of my life. Yes, a DW dilemma for another time, I’m sure.) Right now, I just want to roll with a group of dudes but I don’t know where to begin….I had it like this all through high school and college—I’m in my early 30s now—but now it feels like a figment of my imagination. Yes, I know I could just date a sports enthusiast but I don’t want to lead anyone on because I know I’m not really looking for more than friends at this point in time.

Is it delusional for me to even hope that I could ever have this again? Did I ever really have it in the first place? Yes, most of my dude friends from back in the day wanted to jump my bones but overcame it and eventually saw me as a little sister. Does this only happen on TV sitcoms? Can a dude ever really be friends with a woman? Will these relationships always be sullied by attraction? I have a “friend” now that I could do dude stuff with and is a lot of fun. We could take in a game but he has made it clear that he would love to jump my bones at the first chance.

DW, you’re so spot-on with all of your of advice. If YOU say it ain’t so, then it ain’t so.

Sincerely,

A tomboy trapped in a girly-girl’s body

P.S. Please say it is so!


Hi there tomboy,

First of all, the DW is not gonna hate on the Mets. He's a Giants fan being here in SF and all, but his parents are from Queens, so he's got a soft spot for your team. In fact, no joke, he's wearing a Mets hat right now. He loves Carlos Delgado and hates the Yankees, so we should be okay. He doesn't even hate Shea like everybody else. Hey, if a place has an edible dog and legitimately affordable cheap seats, what else you need?

Now, as for this wanting to do dude stuff. The way the DW see it, there are two major hurdles if you want to hang with the dudes.

The first is exactly as you suspect. If you hang around a bunch of dudes and do dude/sports type stuff with them, unless you are disfigured and smell like ripe durian, you will eventually have to stave off an advance of one kind or another. Think of it this way. You know how an average looking dude suddenly gets appealing when he's on stage singing for a band? (Think of that douche John Mayer and his enormous cranium. No sing, no schwing.) Same thing happens to women who race Indy cars, go to engineering school, or like dude stuff. One night you will find yourself not understanding how, as you and your buds get pay-per-view and yell at Antonio Tarver to rip someone's head off and there's nacho cheese down the leg of your jeans and your hair is unwashed and up under a Mets cap, some guy is completely getting wood and wants to skip the eighth round to “have a chat” on the back porch so he can put some halfassed clumsy move on you ten feet away from where everyone else is getting to have a perfectly normal night of hanging out . It's gonna happen. The DW can only tell you to be ready with your Let 'Em Down Easy skills. And, fairly or not, there might be a disproportionate amount of responsibility on you to make the post-brush off situation un-awkward. Things are always more difficult for the auslander.

The second was touched on in Dudefile #13 - The Sports Fan and it is this. Dudes are going to make it hard for you to get into their dude group for stuff like watching the Antonio Tarver fight because a) it's Dude Time when they escape from jobs and expectations and scratch their nuts with impunity and complain about the women they love and say crass sh*t for the benefit of other dudes and to feel better about how somehow they have pillows at home with freakin' lace frills and b) they assume you're going to ruin it by doing one of the following -

1- talking about feelings
2- talking about shoes and feelings
3- talking about shoes, feelings, and Sex in the City
4- not knowing anything about sports
5- overcompensating for not knowing too much about sports and making up fake annoying hyperbolic expertise
6- you won't be able to properly give/take shit and things will get all sensitive and awkward
7- well, you get the idea

If you sense a dude is giving you the runaround about joining the dude group, don't dance around the edges of the issue. Insult him. Say, "Look, macho man, I know how it works. We sit in the bleachers and drink beers and shout smack at the visiting left fielder and make fun of how p%ssy whipped our buddy Kevin is for driving that frickin' minivan. Don't treat me like the f*cking Queen of England, you condescending douche. I'm not doing this to be cute or coy or be near a bunch of swarthy dudes, because, frankly, swarthy you guys are not. I just like baseball. So, you getting me a ticket or what?" If you sit back and act all timid and expect dudes to walk up and invite you into the Inner Dude Sanctum you're in for a long, long Cubs fan caliber wait.

All this said- this can absolutely work. You just have to be a little patient and think about it like you're a woman running for Senate in 1932 or a straight dude trying to become part of an all-female book of the month club that's reading Fried Green Tomatoes. It's gonna be hard, you're gonna have to deal with some initial sexism, and you're gonna have to do a fair bit of legwork- but it's possible. Sure, it's harder to find a group now than it was in high school or college, but that’s true for everything. Be direct and you'll find your dude posse.

Best of luck finding the dudely dudes for dude stuff,

the DW