Monday, August 18, 2008

Dudefile# 31 - It's Just Sex...Or Is It?

Dear Dude Whisperer,

I met a dude on the 4th of July through an ad on CL he posted saying he wanted someone to watch the fireworks with. I responded, we had started IM'ing when one of my friends came over and wanted me to go with her. So I didn't go with him.

We IM'd over the next few days and he started saying how he could really eat pussy. My experience has been that the more a guy says how good he is, the worse he really is. I told him this, but after more IM's, I ended up having him over a few weeks later. He was incredible!!

From there a sexual relationship started. I found out that there were other women he was having sex with at the same time. I told him there were other men I was sexual with (and there were). We saw each other every 2-3 weeks and were IM'ing every few days. It settled into a routine of me taking a cab over to his house (I didn't have a car at the time) dressed in something sexy enough that I HAD to wear a coat over it. I would come in, take the coat off, pour myself a drink and join him in the living room. We would drink, watch TV, talk, sit out on his deck and HOURS later would hit the sack. He would drive me home in the morning which would vary from 8am-12.

The next month I realized I had a mad crush on him, but wasn't worried about it as I figured it would subside. Until he called me on it. He asked me if I ever get attached to the people I have sex with. I told him that at one time or another I do usually develop crushes but they always go away so I don't pay much attention to it. He asked me if I had a crush on him. I told him that I thought he knew that I did. He said, "It's just sex you know". I told him I knew and that he shouldn't sweat it, that I wasn't looking for anything past what we were doing. He seemed fine with that and I actually saw him more often, turning into almost every weekend.

But the crush didn't go away. In September I told him on IM that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I had too much of a crush and it was too painful to be over there. His response was "Woman, get your emotions under control!! lol". He said he understood, but didn't really understand the problem, it was just sex, etc...

After more IM's I ended up giving in in October and we started up again, but not as often. It was about every three weeks to a month. We were IM'ing almost every day. Once - I saw him on January 11 and then didn't see him again until March 15th!

We had been trying to get together... when he called he said his friend from out of town was over. I told him I wasn't down with a threesome, he said it was all cool, just to come over. I went over in regular clothes and the three of us just hung out. I stayed over in his room (and had sex) while his friend took the sofa. I found out later his friend thought I was hot and DID want a threesome, but my guy told him no.

On April 4 we found out neither of us were having sex with any one else. He said he liked it that way and his schedule really doesn't allow for other women. I have now seen him the past three weekends.

The weekend before last we were both pretty drunk. He was showing me pictures of his friends from college and telling me funny stories. He asked me if I wasn't seeing other people because of him. I was worried he would think I was falling for him (which I am, but he doesn't need to know that) and said no, that I just wasn't comfortable with sleeping with so many people. He asked why I was sticking with him. I said because I enjoyed hanging out, that it wasn't just a wham bam, that we talk, watch movies, that it is a fun time. He said he agreed and then out of the blue said, "I dunno, maybe I'm just asking cause I am drunk, but would you ever date someone like me?" Of course I wanted to just jump him right there and live happily ever after, but instead I said, "Sure, why not, what's wrong with you?" He said nothing, that he didn't know what my type was. I responded that I didn't really have a physical type, that it is about how well I get along with them and common interests. He seemed satisfied with my answer and returned to picture showing.

That night in bed (we were both still pretty buzzed) we had the best sex. I was on top of him and he was being complimentary of my body (which unlike the other women who write to you, I am NOT hot!) and then said, "I am so into you it is ridiculous, I think about you ALL the time". Not knowing if he just meant sexually, I responded, "I think about you ALL the time". We finished up and he commented on how great the sex was and we feel asleep. I now have a car, so left around 8 that morning. I didn't hear from him for most of the week and he said he didn't know if he was going to be around because he had to help his father and then "get a bite to eat". I really thought he was blowing me off, until Fri night he popped up online around 10:30 and said he got home sooner than he thought and did I want to come over. I did.

We were playing strip poker (our favorite game) and I was losing. I got up to go to the bathroom and he told me to put on what was in there... I went in. There was a sexy outfit he had shown me the week before online.

I put in on - he loved it. We were making out and he says, "I am a jerk"

Me: why
him: because I was supposed to meet my friend for dinner and instead, after work, I went to the store and got you that.
Me: but you still went to dinner
Him: yes, but I was really late and then couldn't stop thinking of you and how you would look in that outfit all night. I kept wanting to just get home and see you
Me: aww, that's sweet.

And we continued to make out. We had sex and.. it was amazing. We looked into each other eyes the whole time.

He wants us to go to a hotel that has a hot tub the Fri of memorial day weekend. I am very excited.

So my question... is there a glimmer of hope for something more or am I just reading into this what I want to happen? I am terrified to tell him how I feel as I don't want to mess up what we already have, but if I DON'T say something I am worried the opportunity will pass me by.



Hi there HB,

Hang on a sec. The DW needs a moment to dab his forehead. The hot basic-cable-like plot got him all worked up […Jotting a couple notes…Hoping wifey does not react badly to new ideas he might try later in week…need to make trip to several specialty stores…]

Okay. So. Here’s the thing about Mr. 9 1/2 Weeks. Whatever other smootha%s B.S. is coming out of his mouth, he still finds a way to periodically work in, “This is just sex.” He doesn’t hint or dance around- he’s literally said “This is just sex,” on several occasions. Now, as the DW has covered before, when a dude tells you he’s only interested in you for the Hoohoo Revue it is extremely unlikely you’re going to get more out of him in the emotions department. Dudes believe, correctly or not, that few things you could say are riskier than Just Sex if you want to keep paying a visit to the Land of The Magical Vagina. It’s why dudes lie to you about being “into you” or “open to a relationship” or whatever vague notexactlycommittal junk they can think of that makes you crazy. If a dude is honest enough to say, “This is just sex,” in his mind he is prepared to let you walk right out the door.

And given that this dude is not only Mr. Just Sex he’s Mr. Cinemax Friday After Dark, you have to keep the recent developments of what you perceive as his sensitivity or openness in context. Two thoughts.

One- The DW asks you to consider- are things really changing as you think they are, or, as you develop above the belt feelings are you simply starting to see what you want to see? You guys still just bone, he still takes you right home, lots of time passes between staged bonings….Think about it. Is he complimentary of your body because he likes you or because it would be incomparably and inconceivably stupid not to compliment your body when he’s got his wiener in an orifice of yours? What’s he supposed to say, “Oh, baby, I am so into you. Your rump is so adequate, possibly even Average/Above Average”? etc.

Two- Given that this dude is into this whole awesome old-school Coat Over The Sexy Underpants/ Strip Poker(!)/ Games That Are Way More Stylish Than Usually Happens In Real Life Unless You Have The Silky Smooth Encyclopedia Of Moves Of The DW kinda thing, doesn’t it seem likely that the few things he says that veer into Sensitive Land are just part of the theater of the situation? Part of some kind of power dynamic he’s set up? Clearly this dude gets off a little on all the pre-bone talking and waiting. He probably gets off on getting you to admit you’d date someone like him, too. It just helps him get ready for some of that World Champion caliber P*ssy Eating.

(And just a quick aside about the Pus%y Eating while we’re in the area, as it were. Do you really trust any dude who is a self-proclaimed expert Pus%y Eater? And who essentially introduces himself that way? Just because he can back it up doesn’t make this any less spectacularly weird. Seriously, would part of your Get To Know You schtick with a dude ever include, “Oh, and I could win an Olympic gold medal in 100 Meter Freestyle C*cksucking”? Please.)

Anyway, the DW could go on and on, but you get where he’s going. This situation is awesome in some ways, utterly bananas in others, but you’re simply not likely to get more than more fun sexy games out of this dude. You can lay your strip poker cards on the table and ask for a relationship if you like, but be prepared for the answer to be something like, “Relationship? No thanks, babydoll. Now how about you take off that outfit nice and slow.” It’s up to you to decide if you can dial back your expectations and just enjoy playtime. Either way, though, you won't mess up "what you have" by asking. All you have right now is free sex and this dude will gladly hang on to that as long as you let him.


the DW


Anonymous said...

Bravo. Just...bravo.

Anonymous said...

Dear Diary,

I mean, keeping a detailed record of all the dates we hooked up and the things he said that day is perfectly normal behavior, right?

Sincerely, the OP

Anonymous said...

ok, i agree that this whole situation is just bad news. but in the last few weeks, doesn't it sound like maybe he's into a relationship with her? like, when he asks if she would ever date someone like him?

Anonymous said...

As usual, the DW has nailed it. But I think HB can take comfort in the fact that she doesn't really have feelings for the dude, either. She says a lot about him in her letter, but not once does she mention what she likes about him apart from his Mad Pussy-Eating Skills. (And I am totally with the DW on that one. There is nothing creepier than a dude advertising his MPESs.) She doesn't say anything about his sense of humor, or the great meals he cooks, or their joint interest in exotic pet grooming. Just that the sex is great. I think there's something about the situation that has her hooked, but it ain't the dude.

Anonymous said...

It's the illusion of comfort and someone that likes to spend time with her. They seem to do other things friends would do that makes it seem more than sex. But I think the play-by-play speaks to a desperation. It is comfort, to some degree, to be held, but it's not comfort to be valued only sexually, so the "more" time seems like and emotional connection, but I'd still say it's a friends with benefits situation. The intricate journal effect kind of sends me a signal that she is making more work for herself to discover a relationship where she deep down knows there is none.

The things he says could be to lead her on, or at least I've found, dudes tend to say stupid things they can't take back sometimes, and then take it back without notice. I hope the DW speaks to this - is it an occasional weakness in the dude to explicitly mention a relationship is potential (and silently "come to his senses" later?), or is it to buy time, or is he completely gone mental at that point, and just saying things because he's run out of ways to make sure she takes off her pants?

I kind of take it like the "I'll call you line," where he doesn't, only in this case, what he does similarly is to protect a holding pattern where the girl will be pliable for sex without feeling like he's a total douchebag (denial); he says what he needs to say (similar but as opposed to "what she wants to hear") to get through the awkward parts. She may be fun to hang out with, but there are a lot of normal things he could say or do to indicate a deeper interest in her than buy her an outfit and then take it off her. If he has that sort of trick up his sleeve, he's not too stupid to be an upstanding guy with some regular moves he could use with sincerity.

I read the post again, and the OP sounds like she hasn't had much experience past high school (if that). Sorry.

Anonymous said...

should she run away from him? should he run away from her? are they somehow horribly perfect for each other? consider my mind completely blown.

Anonymous said...

So why do dudes get married, anyway? Why did you get married?