Dudefile #10 - What's Going On Here?

Hi Dude Whisperer,

I used to think I could interpret male behavior very easily. Until now. I met a guy. We hit it off, he called the next day, made plans to meet that week. We talked everyday up til then. Went out, great time. No sex or anything. Continued to talk everyday.

But there is a noticeable difference. Before we went out he would flirt and be sweet and complimentary, like excessively (in the 4 days between meeting him and going on date). Now it's like he almost goes out of his way to joke and tease and not even throw me a bone. Not that I’m in the habit of baiting someone for compliments. The odd things that I can't make heads or tails of: we continue to talk every day for hours on end. Never about "us." It's always devoid of flirtatious undertones or innuendos and just straight up conversation.

We've gone out together on a few dates too. We recently started sleeping together. Nothing's changed (discernibly anyway). My inclination would be to think, he's just in it for the hooking up. But there have been times we've gone out on dates and then we don’t hook up. But the part that really gets me is the frequency and volume of our communication. Why would he talk to me for hours a day if he was only in it for sex? I really just don’t get it at all. I’m not being cocky when I say I'm hot. Some even have called it intimidating. I just really don't get it. It doesn’t make sense to me.

Calls without fail. Great sex. Dates (though always "my type of date" which is low key. I’m a bit of a tomboy. Nothing ever romantic or anything.) What’s going on here? I’d say, maybe he just wants to be friends. But when I put myself in his shoes, I don’t put that much effort into friends of the opposite sex unless I like them "more than a friend" so to speak.

Help?

K

Hi K,

Interesting you should say “throw me a bone”. The other day the DW and his wife were driving east on I-80 gettin' the Led out listening to The Bone, which depending on where you are in the world might be called The Bone, The Bone, or, well, The Bone, and this thing came on called the Freeway Three-Way where they play clips from three stand-up comedians for a minute or so. The DW has no idea who at the station inherited a bunch of free tapes from their uncle’s failed comedy club in San Leandro, but the Three Way is always stuffed with the most un-funny jokes you’ve ever heard. Anyway, one of the comedians this time was doing a bit about people who can worry about anything. I just won the lottery? Oh jeez, that’s gonna be a lot of taxes. You’re giving me a new sportscar? It’s so fast I’ll probably crash it. Etcetera. Not exactly fall on the floor stuff, right? Still, the DW brings it up because it had a nugget of truth that made him think of your current conundrum. My dude is being totally awesome? Eh, he probably just wants to be friends.

Or, to put it another way – Um, what exactly is supposed to be wrong here? This dude talks to you a lot, he doesn’t need to have sex every time you go out, the dates are your kind of dates, nothing changed dramatically after you first had sex, you see a ton of time and effort. Etcetera. The are a lot of women who write the DW who just asked their screens if this degenerate bastard also has the temerity to bring you breakfast in bed, wash your hair, and sing you gentle lullabies as the cherry blossoms slowly fall in the back yard of his seaside estate. Relax, for heaven’s sake. The DW was beginning to think he might never get to say this, but your dude sounds pretty great.

A few points of dude clarification, though, just to make things clearer. In the spirit of gettin' the Led out on The Bone, The Bone, The Bone, or The Bone, let’s give each point an excellently dumb classic rock title.

Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ (Jokin’, Teasin’) – The DW doubts this dude is going out of his way to joke and tease, despite what you say. Or at least he’s not doing it in an unkind way. It doesn’t fit logically with the rest of his behavior. More likely, it’s simply this – no dude can sustain the momentum he starts when he’s first flirting with you. At first, he’s practically on drugs with excitement about you and your boobies. It fades to more normal life. It just does. And really, thank goodness for that. The DW would not want to see his parents continue to act like the horny, gross, and googly-eyed twenty year olds they were when they met, and neither would you.

Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love – Dudes don’t talk about “us” just to do it. If you need an “us” talk because something is wrong or you want to move in together or something like that, let him know and he’ll do it. Otherwise? Good lord, no dude is interested in idle “us” chat. He’s talking to you a ton more than most dudes would talk about whatever else you talk about already. That’s a good enough sign. Seriously.

Take it Easy – Basically, you’re making this way more complicated than it is. This dude is doing the right things. And doing is a way better judge of dudes than saying. If you want any more, just quit guessing and bring your worries up with him directly. This dude sounds like he can handle it and your worries all really minor minor minor.

Lets hope the dude stays this good,
the DW