Dudefile #9 - Five Girls Walk Into a Bar...

Dear DW,

First off, I just want to give you props on your awesomeness. My friends and I love your website.

Okay, so last week I went out with my four single (hot) girlfriends and we just grabbed happy hour drinks at a bar. We were there for maybe an hour and not one guy (hot or otherwise) approached us. I understand that when a lot of girls are standing together, it can seem intimidating, however, we were looking around, giving inviting signals, smiling, laughing and generally exuding positive body language.

I hear about other girls getting approached all the time, so why is it that guys don't seem to want to come over and talk to us when we are doing all the "right" things? I know you may tell us to approach them, and I have no problem doing that, but sometimes it's nice to not always have to be the aggressor, especially in a city that is so aggressive.

ES in NYC


Hi ES,

Next time you look up at the TV and see a lion jumping out of some tall grass into a group of deer-ish things with twisty horns, note how the lion goes about business. As the deer-ish herd takes off, the lion doesn’t actually chase the herd. It chases one of the poor little deer-ish thing that runs the wrong direction and finds itself all by its cute defenseless little lonesome. Then it corners the freaked out little deer-ish thing and eats it.

So, yes, the DW realizes that it’s actually the lionesses that do the hunting, and it’s perhaps a little unsettling to draw a parallel between your Five Pack of Hotness hanging out in a bar and being violently taken down by a five hundred pound cat, but bear with him. If that cat goes running into the herd, there’s a whole lot more to worry about than if it takes on the one solitary singled out deer-ish thing.

First of all, there’s the matter of just trying to figure out where to pounce. Lion tamers poke chairs at lions because the four points of the legs are enough to split the cat’s attention enough to confuse it and dissipate its focus. Imagine one of those poor single-minded cats in a running herd with thousands of legs darting back and forth, flying dirt, thundering noise. Its little cat brain might explode.

Dudes are kind of the same way. With five of you, it’s too many boobies and too much talking and we don’t know what the hell’s going on. We feel like we have to jump out of the tall grass and make an impression on you, but also make an impression on your friends because, well, you’re not giving your number to a dude right in front of your friends unless they like him, too, right? It’s too complicated. There’s probably another hot woman standing by herself somewhere else further down the bar. A dude could approach her and feel more himself and more in control of the situation.

And you hit on something with the word “intimidating”, too. Part of that, as you suspect, is sheer numbers. Quite simply, it’s hard enough for a dude to try out his dumb little conversation starters and worry about getting blown off by one woman. But in a public forum? Please. Brutal. If a dude is the least bit shy, you might as well ask him to host the Oscars.

The other part of “intimidating”, however, is exactly the opposite of what you suspected. The “right” signals to you, in this and many other types of situations, often have nothing to do with the “right” signals to a dude. In this case, although it may seem paradoxical, the more smiley and happy and positive you look in the Five Pack of Hotness, the less likely some dudes might be to come over.

Why? What you want the dude to receive with that body language is Come On Over, Big Fella! but what he probably actually receives is Everything’s Just Fine Over Here, Thanks! If a dude looks over and you’re already having the time of your life with a group of close friends, what does a dude think he has to add? He might just think he’d be interrupting some girls night out of dude gossip and lemon drops and tapas and a Sex in the City DVD and manis and pedis or whatever we dudes suppose it is you do when we have no idea what you really do.

Now, the DW is not suggesting you have to mope around like you just listened to Unknown Pleasures ten times over straight whiskey and valium. Have all the fun you want. But if you want a dude to approach you when you’re traveling in fives, maybe split up every now and again. Two of you go over this way, three that way. Go by yourself to get your drink and just stand by yourself for a second looking unoccupied, maybe even near a dude you wish would talk to you for a minute. No acting like you're texting, no reading something, just stand there unoccupied and look around the room for a minute or two. You don’t have to look wounded or limp or wheeze or fall over. Just be there for a moment. Look at the room and take it in. Be a little deer-ish thing with twisty horns. And not just once, split up a few times in case the dude misses the first shot or freezes up and needs a second chance.

Hope this helps. And thanks for the props!

Best of luck to the pack. Be nice to those intimidated dudes, alright?

the DW