Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dudefile #5 - The Checkered Past (part two)

Hey DW!

I just wanted to drop in and let you know how all goes in the world of slutty SF girl
[ DW NOTE: See Dudefile #5 - The Checkered Past]. SO, I followed your advice and dropped the 14 guys checkered past on my boy. He laughed. And laughed some more. Until he realized I wasn't kidding. He then got pretty quiet and looked at me super seriously and I started to think about how the hell I was going to back pedal out of it. BUT, then he stood up, leaned over, and gave me the cliche kiss on the forehead (yes boys, we know you all think this is the magical key to our hearts...and yes, sometimes it works) and said "he loved me whether I slept with two guys or twenty." Then made an inappropriate but complimentary comment about my blow job skills.

Unfortunately, and my heart really does go out to him, we hadn't yet dropped any L-bombs before this point and I'm not sure this was quite the time/place/moment he was hoping for. And ideally, I don't think he was hoping to follow his declaration up with a backhanded compliment about my sexploits. But luckily for him, and me I suppose, I found the whole episode kinda funny and rather endearing. I actually like him more for being able to bomb on me while telling me he loves me.

So thanks for the advice...And FYI, for the first time in my life, I actually could see waking up next to this dude in six months. Although I'm only 3 in, I could see the Slutty Six Month Wake Up Rule actually come to fruition.

Keep up the good work!
slutty SF girl

Hi slutty!

So wait, the kiss on the forehead doesn’t automatically work? Dang. The DW needs some new moves. Flowers still always work, though, right? Please?

Anyway, the first time you wrote the Dude Whisperer, we talked about terrible movie conventions. Now it looks like we can add one more to the list. The Happy Ending. And no, the DW is not referring to that one time in Vegas when your ex went to that massage parlor way, way, way off the strip and came back without his underpants. He means The Happy Ending where no matter what happened in The Tortured Checkered Past whether it involved the Foghorn Leghorn Crappiest Southern Accent Ever or A Menacing Eastern European Henchman or The Nagging Ethnic Mother In Law, everything pulls together in the last fifteen minutes and the dude and the woman ride off into the sunset happy forever and ever despite the fact that one of them is a pain in the ass or killed somebody or robbed a bank or something.

But wait. Actually, this isn’t a movie convention. This is one of those regular old-fashioned real life un-contrived happy endings where two good people talk openly about stuff and get along. How boring. And awesome. Hey, congrats, slutty! Well done!

Your dude sounds pretty alright, gotta say. Sure he's patting himself on the back a little too hard for being so understanding and stand-up about the 14 (you have no idea, incidentally, how many women have mentioned to the DW, unsolicited and off the subject of their own letters, that 14 is nothing and doesn't even qualify you as the illegitimate third cousin of slutty), but it's sweet. He’s shown that he’s the kind of dude you can trust and be open with. And when a dude feels comfortable dropping the L-bomb and making a hummer joke in the same situation? Good lord, that's about as affectionate as we dudes know how to get.

Would he have hoped for a different L-bomb situation? Maybe. But this is actually exactly why the DW is biased for truth and just getting stuff out in the open. The ideal L-bomb situation never happens like it does in The Beach Scene or The Steps Of A Famous Parisian Landmark Building In The Rain Scene. There is no magic-hour light or breathy expository narration. There’s just you and the dude and all your messy regular-ness. You might as well just get all your junk out there. Not your junk junk. Your junk. You know what the DW means…

Thanks so much for the update. Seems like if you and this dude stay up front with each other six months is likely, indeed. The DW wishes you continued happiness with your wisely appreciative dude,

the DW


Anonymous said...

Wait…I’ve always found the forehead-kiss to be the kiss-of-death. “I love you but I’m not In Love with you/let’s be friends/sure you fulfill all my fantasies, but I’d prefer you to think of me as your ‘kissing cousin’ from now on.” Are you sure the forehead kiss is sexually/romantically meaningful? Discuss, preferably with concrete examples and direct quotes.

Anonymous said...

Can I just say....awww

Anonymous said...

my gf loves the forehead kiss...or at least she claims to...

bluejacket said...

There are two forehead kisses (at least). The one, 'I don't adore you enough to kiss you on the mouth' that nobody likes, and the two, 'I adore you in such a protective way that kissing you on the mouth would seem inappropriate' that is appreciated muchly. Occasionally, the two version can also be used in cases that it's the only place on your face that isn't salty from tears right now. When someone is sad and crying, it can be awkward to be approached for a kiss on the lips, you know, it's a little disrespectful more than comforting. A kiss on the forehead usually requires a little more follow through on the caring actions, just so you know, you can't just get out of a jam with a soft kiss on the forehead and go back to playing video games. There is a time and a place for it; it's not clever if it's not also sincere.

dudette said...

Moving away from forehead kisses... Can I just say that I think the Declaration of Hotness should now be replaced with the Declaration of Mad BJ Skills? Makes for much better reading!

hot lovin' said...

heh heh, there's also the forehead kiss that says, "i just went down on you and i'm not going to kiss you on the mouth cuz you probably don't want to taste your own pussy."