Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dudefile #17 - Dad and The Shaved Head

Ok, Almighty Dude Whisperer,

I have one for you.... I'm 24 (f). I shaved my head last month in protest of what's been happening in Tibet. My father isn't speaking to me as a result. Let me just say that I live 1,000 miles away, so it's not like I'll be running into anyone he even knows. I'm married with a toddler, very much on my own. He's always been v. conservative like this. It's always the same form of "punishment," ever since I was a teenager, whether I was failing a math class, or sleeping with an older man. I just cease to exist for him for awhile, and then we go back to pretending everything is normal. I feel like not confronting him is a means of giving up my power, though. My initial reaction at this point is a huge desire to say F*ck You, if you're ashamed of me for having moral convictions, but I think what I'm really angry about is the fact that he's missing out on an authentic relationship with me because he's so encapsulated in a need to fill a parental role.

So what do I do? Send him some exlax muffins fed ex? Awaiting your sage advice...


Hi Baldy,

First of all, the DW would like to thank you for being the first person to write the Dude Whisperer with a non- relationship/bucknakedactivities type question. Not that the DW minds being Dr. Love. On the contrary he feels strapping and sensitive and, quite frankly, born for the role. Still, he couldn’t help thinking there must be women out there confused by brothers and uncles and, in this case, dads. And now, help is on the way. Well done! Let’s get to it.

So you shaved your head. You know, there was a time when the DW went the other route and nearly made his mother cry as he grew his flowing locks to his a%s. This was around the time he also wore big hoop earrings and bowling shoes and, well, let’s just say the look never really came together. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things it was pretty tame – the DW was never fussy enough to really push the envelope with makeup or something else truly scandalous for the South – and other parents might’ve just rolled their eyes and tapped their watches to see how much longer they had to wait til the DW’s silly dumb a^s grew up. But, the DW and his folks butted heads until the DW adopted a more Ian MacKaye anti-fashion fashion and essentially ignored clothes altogether for years and years until he got hooked on Project Runway, which is fierce.

Now, this is not to equate your shiny dome to the DW’s former nonsensical “fashion”. The critical difference is that you have well-intentioned and serious reasons for what you’re doing, whereas the DW was mostly just trying to f*ck with people through clothes until he found drugs and alcohol made him far more obnoxious. That said, though, here’s the reality. You shaving your head, and you knew this going in, was going to have these effects- 1) freaking out pops 2) changing just about nothing in Tibet.

Does this mean the DW thinks you shouldn’t have shaved your head? Not at all. You should be able to do whatever the f#ck you want with your hair. You are an adult and so is dad. What he is saying, though, is that it’s a little disingenuous to act shocked (shocked!) and disappointed in ole dad’s reaction when you clearly think about this situation in an antagonistic way. You’re poking him where it tingles, just like you were with math and older dudes, and you know it.

(A brief digression here, Baldy, if you can abide. Failing math is one thing that will disappoint any parent and whatevs to that. The DW is of the opinion that failing math is a rite of passage nearly as vital as waiting tables and getting caught playing with yourself. But women, he thinks, have no way of appreciating the horror a dad feels at knowing his high school or college age daughter is getting nailed by the well-traveled wiener of a significantly older dude. Dad knows how dudes think and knows that what a way older dude wants with a woman who is practically still a kid is not, er, nice or respectful. In fact, what he wants might be illegal in several states. And he’d probably like to film it. Whatever you thought your experience was with older dudes when you were in high school and college (and by older dudes, the DW is assuming significantly older since you knew it was worth mentioning) it was not the same thing to them and your dad was horrified and fearing for your body and your heart in ways he swallowed way harder than you have any idea.)

Anyway, what the DW is saying essentially is this. There are two sides. You are absolutely right in living your life as you want and with righteous idealism and if you don’t then the terrorists have truly won. Frankly, the DW applauds you for it and this whole question has him wishing he could get back a dose of the idealism he’s had beaten out of him over the years he’s spent in the mines since he was 24. But, and it’s a Niecy Nash sized but, the DW would offer the following version of events for you to consider:

First, there’s no need to say, “F^ck you,” to your dad. He, in some cases rightly and in others wrongly, probably feels like you’ve already said it many times over the years. (See Dudes, Nailing Older above.) Second, it may well be that his silence is “punishment” as you interpret it, but it may also just be his way of getting away from the immediacy of a situation and digesting it and figuring out what he thinks. The DW, actually, much to the consternation of his wife, often needs time by himself, quiet and away, to digest things that confuse or frustrate him. And a lot of times what the DW figures out on his own is that he was wrong, or at the very least way too wound up over something that didn’t warrant getting all wound up. Consider that your dad may just operate in different ways from you and maybe his ways work just as well. Maybe he isn’t just pretending things are okay after you have a confrontation. Maybe he’s found some peace.

Finally, the dad dude is your parent, so whatever you mean by an “authentic” relationship without being encapsulated or whatever just isn’t going to happen. That and the whole giving up your power thing sound like canned lines that you need to think through for yourself instead of accepting from a book or a friend or wherever they came. Would it be giving up power by being the bigger person in this situation and calling dad and metaphorically holding his hand through a conversation about how this head shaving thing isn’t anything against him? Or just talking to him in a non-confrontational way? Or giving him a break now and then when you maybe don’t even think he deserves it? You might find that dad has been trying to be bigger than the situation, too, in his own ways, if you engaged him differently and opened him up.

Look, Baldy, it frankly sounds like you’ve been a handful over the years. And it sounds like your dad dude has been, too. But if you keep approaching your relationship with dad like you want to say f*ck you and butt heads, you’re going to get more f^ck you back and more head butting.

Isn’t this whole thing about Tibet, after all? Are you really fighting for peace in a Buddhist land by mentally kicking your dad in the nuts? Why not try getting all Dalai Lama on dad’s ass? Why not try love and understanding and kindness, seeing the validity in his point of view, and being the first to make the big conciliatory move?

Keep on rockin’ the Britney head,

the DW

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Poll Results #4 and #6

And now a quick wrap-up of two recent polls. Thanks as always, DW readers and special internet friends, for taking the time to vote…

Poll results #6
Where in the world is DW?

France – 5%
Italy – 8%
Mexico – 13%
Thailand – 11%
Vietnam – 16%
South Africa - 0
Morocco – 5%
Guatamala – 13%
Brazil – 11%
Russia - 0
China – 2%
Australia – 11%

Vietnam got the most votes, so you were, fearless readers, correct. The flavor of spots receiving votes was generally in tune with what the DW and his wife might plan, as well. The next trips on the list for the DW and his wife are probably like this. Shorter trips – Mexico City or Oaxaca. Longer trips – Malaysia or France or Italy. Those longer trip places are a little expensive right now, though. Anyone have a good ‘secret’ affordable spot to recommend?

Anyway, this isn’t a travel blog, so the DW will leave the backpacking and cheap eats recommendations and whatnot to Lonely Planet and Rick Steves and that dirty hippy friend of yours who spent six months in India and, like, totally didn’t get sick or anything, man, because he just got in, like, an Indian frame of mind, you know? Basically, Vietnam was beautiful, the people were wonderful, and the whole country is in the middle of a boom like the U.S. saw after WWII, so everything is just expanding and changing and morphing practically before your eyes. If you get a chance to go, do.

Poll results #4
Who do you have winning your NCAA brackets?

A favorite (UNC, UCLA, Memphis, or Kansas) - 34%
A mild upset (a 2-4 seed) - 17%
A longshot (a 5 seed or lower) - 0%
This thing again? Awesome. I won’t see my dude for two weeks. - 49%

Not much on this one because the tourney is long over and none of you seemed too terribly interested, anyway. Perhaps because, given the results above, 49% of you didn’t get laid for a fortnight. A word of advice, though, for those of you who hated that your dudes were even more bleary eyed and distracted than usual. However logical it may seem, don’t ever use this line of logic on a dude. “Oh, so you can watch twelve straight hours of basketball, but you can’t concentrate on picking out flatware for twenty minutes?” It will get you nowhere. No. Where.

Incidentally, the DW almost won his pool this year and had a shot until the last two games when Memphis and Kansas mucked the whole thing up. Thing is, it wasn’t fun to pick a bunch of favorites. Next year it’s back to picking ridiculous “expert” longshots and finishing last. It’s just more dudely satisfying to lose that way than win by playing safe.

Also, the DW received not one comment, not even one friendly poke, about assuming that ‘NCAA Bracket’ meant only the men. The women played a tournament, too. And for what it’s worth, the Lady Vols of Tennessee won again.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Dudefile #14 - The Arrangement (part two)

Okay, so the DW is back from, as a few of you correctly guessed, Vietnam. More on that soon. In the meantime, check out the Dude Whisperer’s MySpace or Facebook for a couple pics from the trip and while you’re there go ahead and do the right thing and make the DW your newest internet friend. Now, without further ado, back to the dude whispering.

It was good to see so many comments on Dudefile #14 - The Arrangement . The post really got a lot of you riled up and thinking and involved. The best comment, in the DW's opinion, came after the initial flurry, though, and may have been missed by many of you. The comment was from TRG, the writer of the original note to the DW. The DW had planned on posting a Part Two to The Arrangement based on TRG’s follow-up email to him, but the comment she left for everyone was even better and so that’s the way the DW went. Hope you don’t mind being at the center of things again, TRG. Just thought you made a lot of sense and wanted folks to see.

Oh, and you may have noticed (as Anonymous did towards the end of the thread) the DW’s absence from the comments on The Arrangement. There are two main reasons.

One, the DW noticed that in earlier posts when he added his own comments it tended to cut the discussion off and it made him feel far too parental. Now you listen to me, young lady! He’d rather the fur fly as long as you please and trust you to police yourselves. Mob justice, baby. Like one of those hotel jacuzzi-style bathtubs, it’s one of the DW’s favorite things when it actually works.

Two, the DW thought his original post implied his attitude accurately and didn’t have much to add. In a perfect world, the DW would hope most of you find this a place for, as dudette put it, “good-natured judgement-free advice”. And jokes. And unmitigated genius.

That said, there is one thing the DW couldn’t let go without comment. Anonymous said, “Ladies - the way to a man's heart is indifference. Nothing gets you what you want faster.” Um, no. If the DW’s wife had been indifferent to him, the DW would have moved on without a tad of regret, thus saving himself the time, effort, and potential humiliation of pursuing an uninterested woman. Perhaps this will come out in more detail in a reader question at some point, but this idea that dudes like to pursue what they can’t have makes the DW a little bonkers. It’s illogical for one, and injects the situation with an extra level of unnecessary gamesmanship and complexity that instantly gives a dude a headache. Dudes are simple. He sees that you are interested or not interested. That’s that.

And now, part two of The Arrangement, from the comments section of the original post,

the DW

So it's TRG herself, I just happened to check out the blog and saw my email up there with all the others. BTW I have no idea what TRG means or if it was just a way to hide my actual identity. [DW note: It was an identity thing. Your ‘name’ was so close to your email address, the DW took the liberty of making something up to err on the side of privacy.]

A few points I'd like to make after reading everyone's comments:

- First, I'd like to claim temporary insanity. The Man in Question and I always use a condom. He never asked again to go without them. I think we can all relate to the irrationality that can accompany a sex haze. The haze has cleared, I'm thinking much more clearly now, thanks for your concern.

- I don't want a boyfriend. I've always been very independent and I'm extremely busy with grad school and don't have the time for a real relationship. But that doesn't mean I want to go without sex and I won't apologise for that.

- Wanting to see him more often really is about wanting more sex. It really is that good. I feel sorry for anyone enduring sex that doesn't immediately make you want more sex.

- For the record, he never told me he's not seeing anyone else. He's never told me he was. We simply haven't discussed it, so it's impossible for him to have lied to me about any other women, hypothetical or otherwise.

- To the anonymous person who called me a free prostitute, he does not dictate all encounters. I'd say it's about 50/50 on who initiates. I don't come running whenever he calls, we decide between us when works for both of us.

- I'd also like to say, lay off the poor guy. He doesn't treat me like a whore. He's actually a very nice guy, cute, smart and funny. Very generous and always considerate. I'm sure someday he'll make a great boyfriend for some lucky girl, but we just aren't there.

- For those of you that are curious, I'm still seeing this guy, the sex is better than ever (and if that isn't enough reason to want to see him as often as I can, I don't know what is), and we seem to have gotten past any awkwardness there might have been (real or that I imagined). I am comfortable inviting him over as often as I want, it's never complicated, and I couldn't be happier with "The Arrangement".

Again, TRG, well done. And it should be said that if this dude will one day make a great boyfriend for someone, you will certainly make some dude a hell of a girlfriend. Keep rockin' grad school and keep f*ckin' that way you do.

Best of luck with this dude, and any that may follow,
The DW

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Dudefile #16 - Insanely Jealous

Hey Dude Whisperer,

Let me first say that this is a BRILLIANT idea...I can see this getting huge, like you having to quit your job to just do this someday.

So, I understand Dudes pretty well, in fact I've often been told I'm like a Dude in a Chick's body. I behave like a Dude in most of my casual relationships. But that's besides the point. I still think I have more to learn about Dudes. I'm totally head over heels in love with this Dude I met last June, and it seems to be pretty mutual. He lives far away (like 1/2 day's drive) so it's been pretty tough on us, but we can never seem to forget about each other. I think he could be THE ONE (which is a huge deal for someone in their late 30's who's been consistently using the "just say no" approach to commitment).

Anyways, he's got this INSANE jealous streak. It's like a sickness. He's aware of it, and it's not debilitating--I've dumped far worse jealous guys. We talked about it a bunch, and he knows it's his deal, I know it's his deal, but in reality it's 'our' deal. I've been doing everything I can to make him *know* he's the guy for me and I will not ever cheat on him.

He seems to be starting to get it. Given that we live so far apart, and I'm not big on just being alone all the time (he knows I'm dying for him to move here and play house with me), so for now I hang out with friends. I have some friends who are guys (aka Dudes). They know my deal and know I'm not going to sleep with them.

So, here's the question - what's the best way to handle this with my Dude? I know if I tell him about hanging out with my guy friends, he will have his crazy jealous episodes and I'll have to do a lot of smoothing over and calling him on his shit and defending myself. If I don't tell him, I will feel like I'm lying or hiding something, and I have nothing to hide in reality.

The only other option is not hanging out with any guy friends, which seems like the wrong answer on a lot of levels...BUT I don't have the best of pasts...there are a lot of men and a lot of stories and he always notices guys checking me out when we're in public - something to factor into your answer--none of that helps me any, but it's not something I can change, I guess it's just my albatross.

What say you?

Thanks for your time,

Jonny's Girl

Hi Jonny’s Girl,

First of all, thanks! Glad you’re liking what the DW does over here. It is his not-so-secret dream for The Dude Whisperer blog and related merchandising empire to get so huge that he can sit on Oprah’s couch one day, if nothing else just because the DW can’t think of a more unlikely achievement for someone who knows nothing about women. Or daytime TV. Or whatever else Oprah does. You’d watch the DW on Oprah, right? Anybody know Oprah? Maybe you could hook us up? Also, the DW would like to have his own line of sexy ladies underpants if anyone has connections in that realm.

But more to the point, congrats on finding the potential Mr. The One. The DW is suspicious of that jealousy, though, and feels compelled to note it right up here at the top. In the DW’s experience, severe dude jealousy comes mainly from one of two things. 1) Major league Woody Allen/George Costanza/My Older Brother Was Captain Of The Football Team AND A Rhodes Scholar Chick Magnet Who Gave Me Daily Wedgies caliber insecurity. If you don’t feel like you’re worth much, you expect everyone else has the same doubts about you. 2) Experience as a cheater. After all, who is more wary of the sneaky than the sneaky?

Anyway, just sayin’. Keep your eyes open.

Now, how to manage Mr. The One’s “INSANE” jealousy. Imagine a puppy. Now imagine that puppy taking a sh*t on your living room rug. You know, the wicker-ish one from Crate and Barrel that you got on sale and is the first piece in your plan to eventually re-do the entire living room? Well, if you don’t somehow let the puppy know that taking a dump on that rug is against the house rules, it is an absolute certainty the rug will get another load in short order. And not only that, but next the undeterred puppy is gonna squeeze one on your couch. Next, your favorite chair. Next, your bed, right square in the middle of that duvet or comforter or whatever those unnecessarily complicated blankets are called. Eventually, no place will be safe. You’ll spend your whole day wondering where the next turd surprise will turn up.

In other words, don't let Mr. The One crap all over your house and get away with it. Live your life the way you need to live it and force the jealous bastard to deal. If you cave in to his irrational demands and stop seeing your friends, two things will happen. One, you’ll resent him because eventually you won’t have friends anymore. Two, the demands will get more and more irrational until one day you look up and realize you’re not allowed to go to the corner store without a GPS, a video camera, and an armed (female) guard. This is worth having him get all riled up about. Seriously. Which may unfortunately mean a Lot more sticking up for yourself in the way you descibed above.

And when the DW says keep seeing your friends, he does not mean lie about it and go behind the dude’s back. Do that and you’re still essentially caving in to his demands by acting like they’re valid enough to lie about. And, lying causes a whole unnecessary layer of intrigue nobody ever needs in a relationship. And, if a supercrazy jealous dude catches you in a lie? Whoa, Nellie! He'll take that next big stride right over into paranoia and believe nothing else that has, or ever will, come out of your mouth.

So, how can you make this stuff that is completely normal to other people easier on this dude? Well, a lot of that is up to him. At a certain point you can't make another person more sensible than they are willing to make themselves. But the DW would suggest you keep reassuring him as you are. But when you reassure, make sure it is specific and direct and literal. Like you’re talking to a nine year old. Or a parrot. “I will not cheat on you ‘cause I really like you, dude,” for instance, not “Relax, everything’s fine.” The latter and things of the “Trust Me,” variety give his mind way too much wiggle room to make up weird crazy jealous ideas he’s been working on late at night, staring at the ceiling. “I’m going to dinner with my friend Steve, whom I will not be kissing or groping or blowing or f*cking because he is an utterly platonic friend, you jealous moron. Grow up,” might work.

And as for the checkered past, take a look at Dudefile #5 – The Checkered Past. By the time you’re late thirties, even insanely jealous Mr. The One should understand that everyone’s got a few checkers. And you need to, as above, simply insist that he not make a big deal of it. Same goes for you getting checked out. Personally, when the DW notices his wife getting checked out, the last thing he does is take offense. I mean, dudes check out cute women. All day. Every day. Like she’s exempt? Perhaps Mr. The One would rather be dating a woman that no other man on earth found worth a lingering look?

One final note. This dude is never going to completely lose his jealousy. Yes, he can work on it, and yes he can get better about controlling himself, but it will never magically disappear and go away and never be an issue again. There's always a chance an ex-smoker will smoke again. There's always a chance this dude will freak out when you least expect it. Make sure you're okay with this flaw of his before you really do make him The One.

Anyway, hope this helps. And keep reading! And write Oprah!

Best of luck with The (Mr. Jealous) One,
the DW

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dudefile #15 - Another Bus Story

Hi Dude Whisperer,

I love your blog so I thought you might be able to help me out with this one.

I recently meet a guy on my morning bus and after a few lookie loo's we finally talked and totally hit it off. We spent quite a bit of time together over a relatively short span of time.

That is until I found out that he was married. One completely awkward conversation later I ended things with him. Except I don't think he got the message. He kept calling and texting me and I kept telling him that we could never be anything. I even started avoiding taking the same bus as him.

Well at a time that I thought was safe to take the bus he rides, I ran into him. It was completely awkward and I didn't know what to say or how to act. And the next day he called me like five or six times. I now completely avoid the bus (even though it is my fastest ride to and from work). It's strange because I kept asking him what he expects of me and he could never answer but still wouldn't leave me alone.

So my question is how long is he going to hold on to something that never really was and when I can ride my bus?

Girl who needs to get to work on time

PS- I would like to add a question: what should I do if I run into him again?

Hi Gwntgtwot,

There was a dude the DW went to college with who was stopped by the police one night because he was out taking a run at three in the morning. Right down the dotted line of a major avenue. Also, he was wearing nothing but tighty whities. You probably won’t be shocked to learn that the dude had a history of emotional problems and a dorm room mini-fridge with enough acid to trip out every fish in Lake Huron.

At that same college, the DW had a professor who was a scholar of ancient Greek literature so sought after that the school basically made him Honorary Professor of Awesomeness and let him teach Whateverthef*ck I Want 101 whenever he damned well pleased. The DW has never been in a room with someone quite so learned since.

What did these two have in common? No matter what the DW did or said, it was impossible for him to be more than 83% on their wavelength. There was always a little space carved out in their interactions for their alternate reality or preoccupation with abstract ideas or short attention span or whatever it was that made them seem 1/16th descended from the Graxlykon race of the planet Zyxxbajak. You know how you can almost finish the sentences of your best friend sometimes? It was the opposite of that.

The DW senses some of this weirdness in your dude, too. His is not normal behavior. Yes, the DW knows that, as readers have also pointed out, with dudes there can be protracted negotiations about a “No,” especially when it has to do with playing a game of Hide My Face In Your Sweater. Not one of our more flattering behaviors, but not exactly bizarre.

But your “No,” didn’t happen sans bra, half drunk, mute button pressed on the movie you’d both pretended to watch for twenty excruciating minutes before liplocking on the couch, thus kidnapping his brain and stashing it in a tent in the remote regions of Bonerland. Nor was your “No,” for a reason the dude could talk himself into thinking was unreasonable. Dude knows he’s married. He knows he shouldn’t dick around on his wife.

What sends this dude into the realm of the legitimately creepy for the DW, though, is his recklessness. Even habitual cheaters have some sense of decorum, not because they care about your feelings, but because they don’t want to get caught. This dude is chasing you for way too long and in way too desperate a manner for someone who truly understands consequences.

This is all to say, again, this is not normal dude behavior. This dude is 1/16th Graxlykon. Maybe this dude is sort of harmlessly socially weird like the DW’s ancient Greek professor. Maybe he’s gonna end up running down the Embarcadero in nothing but his Spongebob boxers, howling at the moon. Maybe he thinks he’s the Keymaster of Gozer. Who knows.

But since we don’t know, the DW doesn’t trust his own usual advice. See, the DW’s dudelike inclination would be to tell you that you, Gwntgtwot, should ride the f*$king public bus any time you f*^king well please. Next time you see the dude you should kick him in the nuts. And then call his wife and kick him in the nuts again. And then just for good measure, give him a solid nutkicking. Or get a restraining order. Or make a scene by shouting, in the middle of the crowded bus, “No means no, asshole! I’m not interested at all in any way and you’re fucking married! Get away from me!” and thus publicly shame him and have a bus full of other dudes get all testosteroned up and ready to kick this dude’s ass if he doesn’t behave.

But please Do Not do anything like these aggressive dumb dude things unless you consult someone more expert in self-defense or sexual predators or something like that. It’s entirely possible, that the DW’s dude logic would totally backfire on a Graxlykon and make him even more creepy and aggressive. We still have much to learn about the customs on planet Zyxxbajak.

Look, the DW really hates to admit he doesn’t know everything and he really hates to appear hysterical for no reason. This dude may well just be a Grade A one in million Westminster Kennel Club certified special breed of a*shole and just kinda really stupid, but there’s enough creepy insistence and oddity and hassling going on here that the DW feels that even the remote chance of you coming to harm merits getting advice from an expert on more than dudes.

Sorry to say, but the DW recommends you stay off the bus for just a bit longer. Talk to someone in the know. Be smart.

May your commute become normal again soon and may your next dude not turn out to be space alien with a wife,

the DW

[PS- For what it’s worth, this cautionary tale does not change the DW’s opinion from Dudefile #4 – The Bus Crush. You should still walk right up to that dude on the bus who has caught your eye and give it a go. You’ll go bananas if you assume every stranger dude is like this married space alien knucklehead.]

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Dudefile #11 - The Weekend Away (part two)

Hi DW:

A follow-up just to thank you for your answer. [DW Note: See Dudefile #11– The Weekend Away] I'm feeling about a million times better about this than I was a few months ago, and am SO GLAD I didn't show up on his doorstep. In fact, this guy has since moved, and I don't know where to, which I feel is probably the universe's way of backing up your advice.

As a nice little bonus, I especially liked seeing all the vindictive comments in response to the post. It's one thing to hear my girlfriends tell me he's being a jerk and I should just forget it, but it's their job to say that. Hearing random internet people call him a total jerk, a douche, completely disrespectful and cruel...somehow that just really helps, you know?

And you should know, too, that I am being exactly the same (I like myself!) with several other dudes and they do seem to find me the bee's knees :)

Keep up the awesome work--


Thanks for the follow-up. And really, this should be a lesson for everybody. Never underestimate the power of calling someone a douchebag. It’s quite a word, really. Great particular meaning, and phonetics that are right up there with shampoo. Sham. Poo. Say it slowly and see if it doesn’t make you smile. (Sham-poo.) Too bad nobody would buy anything called Douchebag Shampoo, actually. It would be the best product name ever.

Anyway, the DW is glad you’re feeling better. Sounds like you’ll definitely have more pleasant experiences with the dudes going forward. And not only because it would be hard to do worse than the (everyone together now…) douchebag from The Weekend Away, but because you’re in a mindset to take a dude on only if he’s worth your time. As the ubiquitous Henry Rollins once said, and the DW is paraphrasing, “Just because someone tries to hand you a pile of sh*t doesn’t mean you have to take it.” And that holds true no matter how charming a dude may be. Well done.

And the DW was pleasantly surprised how much your dude riled up the masses, as well. Most important, the DW reader angry mob with torches beat-down of this dude was cathartic. Also, though, the reactions made up a little bit for the DW not being as explicitly condemning of certain things himself, in particular the dude’s decision to take the scenic route south on the Pantyline Highway, even though the DW feels the dude already had doubts about where things were headed once you got back. Even if one wanted to give the dude the benefit of the doubt about asking you for The Weekend Away in the first place, the greedy S.E.X. (and subsequent no-call cowardly B.S.) not being called out as a little more reprehensible was a blemish on the DW’s usual greatness.

Hopefully, you won’t need the DW for any of the new dudes, but feel free to write if something comes up or just for further updates.


The DW

Saturday, April 5, 2008

A Note on Getting Out of Town

A quick note to let you know, faithful Dude Whisperer readers, that posts for the next two weeks might be lighter than they have been lately. Tomorrow the DW and his wife are getting, as R. Kelly might say it, up out the city and heading to a supersecret vacation spot far, far away. So far, actually, that access to Al Gore’s magical invention on the internet might be sporadic.

(Incidentally, is it just the DW or did Al Gore look way better when he grew the beard, put on a few pounds, and generally looked a little more rumpled and a little less blow dried? Dude looked like he could wrassle a bear there for a while. Bring back the beard, Al! Beards are so hip right now!)

In the meantime, keep your eyes open for posts, talk amongst yourselves, peruse the links on the left, and keep the emails coming about dude questions, bad movies, or anything else that strikes your fancy. The DW expects a big fat stuffed mailbox when he returns.

the DW

Friday, April 4, 2008

From the DW's Mail: More 10,000 B.C.

Dear DW,

No dude problems, but needed to say that you were spot on about 10,000 bc. I just slogged through it with friend tonight and I have to say you forgot to mention the lead guys hot body. Let's face it some movies are only worth it for the eye candy. When I was invited to the movie I forgot about reading your comment until about 10 min into the movie. Thankfully my friend is just as snarky as I am and we had a 'giggle fest'.

movie buff

Hi movie buff,

First of all, congratulations on no dude problems! Aside from the Nigerian bankers and Lottery Board officials who write the Dude Whisperer, you’re the first to be dude copasetic.

Glad you managed a giggle fest, too. What a spectacle! And thanks for pointing out the eye candy angle. The DW, in fact, totally missed how hot the cavedude’s body was, and, as you can see, your letter was the inspiration of the latest polls over there to the left.

Incidentally, the dude must have been more than your average hotness to overcome the Burning Man meets Geico aesthetic he was burdened with, not to mention the fourth grade school play caliber script. Perhaps his Hotness Overpowering Ridiculousness might be a good way to explain how a dude can look at Maxim and enjoy the hotness of a young woman even though she’s in a fur-lined waterbed with a torn Hooter’s t-shirt, fake freckles, no pants, cowboy boots, and a piece of straw in her mouth. Not that the DW has ever seen Maxim.

It’s really not surprising, though, that the DW missed the cavedude’s appeal to women. In general, the DW knows nothing about what women find attractive in a dude. When he guesses something obvious like washboard abs, it turns out to be something utterly esoteric like upper lip or wrists. And when he guesses something girly like sensitive eyes or kind voice, it turns out to be the straight on f*#k me washboard abs. Whatever. Uncle. The DW gives up.

As for the cavegirl, the DW still hasn’t figured out if she was hot. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And it was also distracting how much she reminded the DW of this famous National Geographic cover.

And remember, less than a month til Iron Man!

Happy schlock movie watching,

the DW

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dudefile #14 - The Arrangement

Dude Whisperer,

I'll just dive right in:

So I hooked up with this guy a few months ago and as far as I know we both went into it thinking it was going to be a one-time thing. I think we were both a little surprised at the mind-blowing sex that resulted. Over the past three months we've hooked up a half-dozen more times and there would have been more if it wasn't for our sometimes conflicting schedules.

I am perfectly happy with our arrangement, if one of us wants to get together they email the other (but never call, which struck me as a little odd, but not bothersome enough to ask why) and if schedules fit we hang out, if not then we figure out a day/time that works for both of us. All is well and good.

Maybe the 3rd or 4th time we hooked up he asked me if I would consider not using a condom. Since I wasn't on birth control at the time I said no, he was cool with it and hasn't brought it up again. Well, I have an appointment coming up to get on birth control and get an STD test (just in case, not cause I think I have anything) and I'd like to ask him about not using condoms anymore. Sounds simple enough, right? Well, the only catch is, I'd want him to get tested as well, and I'd like to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. I'm not expecting him to be exclusive (we've never discussed if we're seeing anyone else, but the fact that he's so phone/text aversive makes me think he might be), but I wouldn't be comfortable ditching the condoms if he's having unprotected sex with someone else.

So here's my question, do you have any tips on how to broach the subject without coming across as one of those manipulative (and annoying, if I do say so myself) girls that's just trying to vie for more out of the 'relationship' or pry him for information? He's a great guy, we get along great, he's easy to be around and a great lay, so I'd really really hate to mess this up.

On a side note, not nearly as important as the above, I've noticed that if I start to request his, um, company more frequently (say 3 times in a week) he kinda disappears. Easy solution, I leave him alone for about a week and he comes to me. A silly game for sure, but it is what is. Is there anyway to get him to understand (short of coming out and saying it) that I'm not some crazy stalker girl, it's just that the more sex I have the more sex I want. Ideally I'd like to be able to invite him over any time I want with the understanding that I won't be offended if he's busy, I just want it on the table that I'm up for it.

As a final note, though I'm not sure it's entirely relevant, after reading your blog I feel the need to point out that I'm definitely not 'smokin hot'. I generally get 'a pretty, fat girl.' I'm not too concerned about it because I'm an athlete, insanely smart, funny, laid-back and all the other things that guys claim to love in a girl. The guy I'm hooking up with is definitely significantly higher than me on the attractiveness scale, but I guess that's just proof how far a great blow job will go.

Let me know what you think,

Hi there TRG,

You know, relevant or not, the DW appreciates evenhanded ‘pretty, fat girl’ self-assessment. Substituting the Declaration of Mad BJ Skills ( as dudette christened it in a recent comment ) for the Declaration of Hotness was just gravy on the delicious sausage biscuit. Any evidence the DW can gather that his readership is the most artfully blowin-est out there warms his heart.

That said, for your main question, the DW thinks you’re asking the wrong question. Here’s why. A couple days ago, the DW’s wife met a woman who, when she was 16, slept with Lemmy. Motorhead Lemmy. This guy. Not the kind of thing you assume any young lady you will actually meet in real life would do. Yet this woman (girl at the time) had gone backstage and had Lemmy’s 978 year old tobacco stained unwrapped wiener perform an encore in her underpants. And more people have an indiscretion in their past than you would think. Even the DW has that one time he boned Courtney Love out back of the Viper Room after the unannounced Hole show in ’99. (April Fools! Ew!)

So, this got the DW and his wife to thinking. You know those graphics they show in movies about pandemics where a little blotch of red goes from covering Manhattan to, “unless we develop a serum”, covering the eastern seaboard in a week? Picture one of those starting in Oakland. How many condom-less people in the greater Bay Area could you reach with a game of Ten Degrees of Lemmy’s Diseased Wiener? The math says approximately All Of Them. And Into Nevada. And Colorado.

Look, you and mindblowing sex dude are not an exclusive thing, and as such, you’re not even pretending to trust him not to put his wiener anywhere else. Therefore, if he isn’t already Lemmy-ing someone else, he will be as soon as he can. And, more important, if this dude is trying to get you to go bare, he’s definitely tried the same with other women before and will try again with other women in the future. Even if he gets tested he could hook up tomorrow with some chick that once nailed Angus Young and Iggy Pop in a threesome and you could both be radioactive by the end of the month. Your question shouldn’t be “How do I broach the subject of him getting tested so we can ditch the condom?” This dude needs to keep that condom on. Your question should be, “Will he be okay with keeping a condom on?”

And the answer is yes. Trying to figure out who else he’s sleeping with? Coming from a non-girlfriend you’re right to assume that would be taken as naggy. Insisting on testing or condoms? That’s just the fine print you add to the bottom of the Mad BJ Skills Contract. This is worth making a stand about, and unless the dude is a serious f*#king idiot he’ll agree sign the MBJSC with haste. In blood, if you insist. Don’t underestimate your leverage here. You’re essentially giving him this choice.

Would I rather:

A - have mind-blowing sex with no strings from an awesome smart athletic chick who blows like a porn star on condition of wearing a condom and getting tested

B - insist on not wearing a condom or getting tested, give all the above up, and spank it all day with my right hand that is not awesome, smart, athletic, and does not blow like a porn star

Um, he’ll keep f%*king you. Don’t you worry about it.

As for your secondary question, you’re right to assume that frequency of, er, contact scares him because he assumes you want to get serious or emotional. It’s probably why he keeps it to texting as much as possible, too. Just the extra level down of intimacy from phone call to text is a little reminder of your situation. See, in a dude’s mind, a woman’s Desire for More F*#king does not come walking down the road by itself. It’s holding hands with More Serious, More Time, More Feelings, and More More.

Don’t mess around with trying to figure out a subtle way of letting him know what you want. He’ll never get the hint. Just say it. Just say, “Look, dude. I just want to f*^k. A lot. It really is that simple. There is no grand plan for ensnaring you for dating or commitment or whatever you’re scared of. Period. So, my place later or what?” Not only will this work, it will be something the dude will forever rank as one of the coolest things he hears in his life. Seriously, forty years from now when he’s got grandkids, he’ll think of your soliloquy and get chills all over again.

Hope this helps. Be safe and enjoy the sweet sweet lovin’,
the DW