Dudefile #43 - Everything Was Perfect Until...

Dear DW,

I'm confused, and hoping you can help me. 

My wonderful, amazing hot boyfriend and I got married and moved in together about a year ago. We had been dating less then a year, but were wildly in love, my parents love him, my friends all talked about how perfect we were together, his friends told me they had never seen him so happy, all seems fairy tale perfect, right? And it was! Except, now, it isn't, and I cant quite figure it all out. 

For a variety of reasons that I won't bore you with, we have both hit a difficult place in our careers, though I should mention that my career is going better than his. Anyway, cash has been tight (his salary got cut), and he has been working odd hours so we don't see each-other a lot. When we do, it seems one of us is ready to go out and the other is just exhausted. As a result, what was once a crazy awesome sex life had puttered away to almost nothing. Before we got married and shacked up, he gave me compliments constantly, left flowers and love notes in my apartment, we went out all the time, he basically made me feel like a gorgeous sex goddess that could do no wrong. Now, I feel like he criticizes me constantly, and is so sensitive to me criticizing him that some days I feel I'm walking on those notorious egg shells. Plus  he never, ever wants to go out anymore.

I also find myself getting annoyed with his domestic habits; when I had my own place, everything was just where I wanted it, towels were always hung on their towel hooks, my mail was right where I left it--you get the point. He leaves his stuff EVERYWHERE and try as I have to make our home feel like our home, you know, cute dishcloths in the kitchen, a well placed shelf in the bedroom, knick knacks lined up smartly on the mantle-I keep getting undone by cleaning up his messes--and yes, I totally get that most straight men couldn't give a damn whether a dish cloth is checked or flowered-but the fact remains that after a whole year living together I still feel like our place looks like a frat house and I hate it. Shouldn't the fact that I care about such things be enough to at least get him to fake it???

It's not as if this whole year has been bad, but when I think back I do feel like our troubles began when we shacked up and got married. In fact, we went away for Thanksgiving and stayed in the coziest hotel on the planet and had the most amazing time, sex every night, long walks every day, it was like a second honeymoon! Then we got back to our frat house--I mean apartment, and within two days slid back into our old patterns. I worry I'm just bad at the domestic thing, my ex-boyfriend and I had a perfectly lovely relationship until we moved in together and all went down hill.

Has cohabitation and matrimony killed our perfect relationship? 

DW, I need your help,

Thank you,

Un-Domestic Diva

Hi UnDD,

First of all, as reference, the DW would like to direct you to this classic bit of genius - Dudefile #22 -Will My Dude Ever Be Clean in which it is discussed how the wifey loves the DW even though a razor thin line of cleanliness separates him from a hobo. It is also worth noting that at the time of this current post the DW has in view one pair of underpants hung from a doorknob and three unwashed coffee mugs. And what looks like a peach pit. Or dried cat poo. Let's call it a peach pit.

The good news is this. You don't exactly find yourself in an unusual situation. Most couples who live together have the same Mount Rushmore of domestic disputes- Home life (Cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc.), Money, Family, Boning. The DW heard about a study a while back that concluded couples disagree with the same frequency, too. So, if couples disagree about the same stuff with the same frequency, what gives? Why do some couples sit on the same side of the table in restaurants and others insult each other on Wife Swap? It's all in how the disputes get resolved.  

So, what the DW is going to ask you to do is search for some middle ground with your dude. The good news about sloppy dude is that the way you describe him doesnt make him sound like a jerk or a troll or a wifebeater or a scamp. He's just a dude who does some typical slacker upkeep dude stuff. Trust the DW- you can handle that. 

First thing to do is this - take a deep breath and try to see the other side of this as best you can. The DW is not saying you give in to the dude's way completely, but he does admit to being suspicious about the accuracy of assessments like We Were Perfect Before But Now We're SOOO Shlumpy! You feel like the place is a dungheap, and with some reason. But the DW guarantees your dude is just as bummed about how he's supposed to keep the place clean enough to assemble superconductors, also with some reason. 

(Note: Pause here for a second. You have to really believe the DW that as much as Your Way and Your Level Of Neatness matters to you, The Dude's Way and The Dude's Level Of Neatness matters to him. If you don't think his POV has as much validity as yours, you can just stop reading and know your situation will not end well.)

Second thing? Just hang in there for a bit. The DW was a little more freaked than he thought he would be about having a woman in the house when the wifey moved in. It's weird to go from Your Stuff Your Way On Your Time to Sharing Frickin' Everything All Day Long. Some of the items that had the DW on edge were just territorial nonsense like where the towels got hung up or which sheets went on the bed- things that he didn't actually really give two s&its about and that just faded away after the initial general wigout. The DW's not saying you let yourself get worn down and accept a sh&tty situation, just that you give things long enough to settle and be clear in your mind about what matters to you and what is part of a general fog of whatthef*ckness about your new situation.

Third- make sure you're telling the dude what you're thinking. And as the DW is wont to say, be direct and specific. Dudes do not get hints. Look, the DW knows it's not satisfying to have your dude empty the dishwasher just because you asked, but here's the thing. Dudes learn cleanliness habits by rote, and only for you. Stephen Baldwin will win an Oscar before a dude will intuit, say, the right way to fold the guest towels. At a dudes very core he does not understand about candles or table runners or fabric softener or whatever it is you're thinking of. Communicate clearly and directly and a dude will do his best, he really will. 

A way to bring your cleanliness concerns up without seeming naggy is to ask if he's got some difficulties with the way the place is organized on his mind, too. You know, like how he feels trapped in house where he feels like he might as well wrap the couch in plastic since apparently he can't fart without you calling your girlfriends to complain about it. joke. Joke! Well, mostly. Just remember dude's seeing this from a whole other way around.

Basically, this is all just to say- here are the facts. You live with a dude now. This will not change. Does this mean you have to live in a frat house? No. But does it mean you can expect him to live in your previous perfect girly apartment? Also no.  Stand firm on some things you Have to Have, but be prepared to concede some things he Has To Have, too. 

There are lots of strategies for compromise and you'll find one. Right now, for instance, the living room and dining room at DW central are so clean and shiny the cats almost don't like to hang out in there. Bedroom? A little less so with some reading piles and some laundry. DW's office- total stereotypical hellhole man cave that smells a little like curry B.O. and shoe. Overall, the house is way cleaner than the DW would have if the place was His and way dumpier than the wifey would have the place was Hers, but it's a good equilibrium for Us. 

Look, you'll be fine. This has been a whirlwind and you're taking on a lot of things at once. Job weirdness, adjustment from dating to marriage, moving in together, tight cash, combining stuff, etc, etc. Sit down of a bowl of ice cream, have a friendly chat, take some time together to get some naughty sweaty buttsmackin' headboard rattlin' hanky panky back on the menu, and it'll work itself out. All that good stuff at the beginning wasn't a mirage, you're both just freakin' out a little right now.

Here's to settling in,

the DW 

Dudefile #42 - The Bartender

Hi Dude Whisperer,

I am very confused.

I met this guy a few weeks ago at a bar--he was the bartender, I was a customer--and we really hit it off. He called me the next day, we hung out that weekend, and basically for about 10 days straight, I heard from him in some form every day, whether it was a phone call, a text message, or a face-to-face hangout. We hooked up casually, nothing too serious though. At one point, he even dropped the word "girlfriend," and I kind of gave him a look and he laughed and apologized.

The last time we hung out was Sunday--we had a really good time, I introduced him to a friend of mine and they really got along (I don't mean to imply that there was anything romantic or flirtatious between them--I really don't think that's the case), and everyone was having fun. That night he told me, "I really like being with you." We had a quasi-heart-to-heart during which I mentioned that my ex of 4 years lives nearby (no past relationships had been mentioned before); I also told him that I was considering leaving the city in a few months, but that I was still deciding.. He seemed slightly dismayed at this news. At the end of the night, he walked me to my apartment and kissed me goodnight.

It is now Friday, and no word from him. I called him once and texted him once this week, and no response to either one. I'm really fucking confused.

Care to shed any light on this?

K


Hi K,

You know, the DW is a big fan of words like "bartender" that at first glance seem literal, but are actually quite poetic. What is a bartender? One who tends to needs at a bar. Suggests a much more interesting story than if the word had ended up being "beerseller" or "drunkmaker", no? "Housewarming" is another good one. "Stationwagon".

That said, as a general rule the DW is not crazy about bartenders themselves. At least not when the bartenders are dudes and women ask if it's a good idea to date them. But that is a general bias and not the question you asked, so we shall leave the discussion as to where bartenders fall on the Bad Idea Jeans scale of potential main squeeze occupations for another day. (As a start- probably better than musician, worse than architect.)

Anyway, even though this guy seems like a classic Dr. NoCall jerkosaurus asshat sayanything stinkybutt, what the DW wonders about your situation right off the bat is this- Is it possible the dude thought you were the one giving him the weird vibe?

Here's what the DW is thinking.

First, the dude uses "girlfriend" and you give him a look and he has to back off. Like judging when to move in for a first smooch or debut that new naughty Cirque du Soleil inspired move in the sack, knowing when the drop the big GF is one of those things dudes really feel like they're sticking their neck out to do. It's awkward enough to reach for a boob too soon and get the Heisman. It's all the worse if the risk was emotional.

Second, who knows how the conversation about your ex sounded to him. Four years is a long time. The ex-dude is still nearby. Just as a situation it sounds pretty daunting for new dude. If you had any kind of lingering bitterness or longing or whatever in your voice you might have seriously veered into the land of boner repellent. Even without something in your voice, maybe dude is just wondering, "Why are we talking about her ex? Is this one of those hints women give that I know I'm supposed to get, but I don't get? That's usually not good, right? This is a bad hint, right?"

Third, the DW would not be interested in investing himself emotionally in someone who may or may not even live in the same city in four months. At. All. If she wanted to get it on for 120 days? Bring it. Let's do some f*ckin' that would make Prince blush. An emotional committed relationship, though? If you're maybe around in a few months? The DW would walk the other way and spare his heart the potential ache.

Look- it's possible the whole answer is absolutely as simple as Flakey F#cking Bartender Is Acting Like A Flaky F#cking Bartender. But it's also very possible you weren't giving this dude very much to work with.

Hope some light has been shed. May you enjoy your favorite drink from an excellent bartender very soon. Best,

the DW

Dudefile # 41 - I Offered Him Some Dirty Pictures

Dear Dude Whisperer,

Okay,  this is a little embarassing but okay… so I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. And he went out of town. Well I offered him some dirty pictures to get him thru the trip but he declined my offer. He is a little bit older than me(33) so I just put it off on his age. But there is a part of me that is offended. I know that his ex wife was better looking than me...but...I dont know. Should I be offended or is this in my head? 

What do you think?

Offended(?)

Hi O(?),

First of all, the DW would just like to extend you a mental high five for breaking down the Naughty Picture Barrier all on your own like that. Dudes across the world, at this very moment, are hinting super-subtly or ‘joking’ about this stuff and keeping it on the safe periphery with their special ladyfriends because, right or wrong, they perceive it as a treacherous topic. If dudes thought they could just come out and say, “Hey, maybe tonight we could take a bunch of pictures of you naked. And, you know, horny lookin,’” they would just come out and say it. 

It’s kinda like anything during sex that involves your anus. Dudes are gonna really roam the perimeter, ‘accidentally’ get real close, gauge reaction, lather, rinse, repeat, and then finally make some totally clumsy maneuver one night when they’re finally drunk enough. 

Anyway, yeah. Normally a dude would not only totally take you up on the pictures, but ask if you took requests. “How ‘bout one like this? Okay, now lift this over here and put that like this and…”

That said, don’t be offended. For two reasons. 

First, while it’s true that on this blog the DW is over and over addressing situations where his advice could be summed up as, “Duh. Drop this dungsack of a dude. Now,” he does also like to remind his readers from time to time that there are, in fact, plenty of modest, shy, decent, thoughtful dudes out there.  Really. It’s true. Now, is this dude necessarily one or all of these things? No. But if a dude was to make a list of Pros and Cons about accepting your boobie pics, there isn’t much to put in Con except some kind of moral objection. And in that case his nature is offended by the naughty picture part not the you part, if that makes sense.  Nothing for you to be concerned about unless you simply can’t handle a dude so square. 

Second, as you suspect, dude’s age might be an issue. 33 means he’s just old enough that MySpace and Facebook and everybody having a blog is a little foreign to him. He may not have had regular email access until he was 18 or 20 (which, the DW realizes, to his younger readers makes this dude sound Paelolithic. What else did he use? Rotary phones? Tape decks? Um, actually, he might have...). 

Anyways, people maybe just 5 years younger than him might have a totally different idea of how much of their lives it is normal to have exposed to others. It's simply not as natural for a 33 or a 38 or a 42 year old dude to take a picture at a club and email it to half his friends from the cab on the way home. He might have way fewer pictures than a 22 year old dude posted on his online dating profile. He might wonder why in the hell someone would feel the need to Twitter about their current doings and whereabouts.  You get the idea. So, you extend this different idea about, er, exposure, and it could seem a little odd or overly loaded with significance to get nudie pictures (that could be easily posted to the internet or sent to her mother, for god's sake!) from a girl you've been seeing for a couple weeks. 

Best of luck working this saucy picture thing out to everyone’s satisfaction. Remember, too, you can just always ask the dude for an explanation. This certainly qualifies as uncommon enough that dude shouldn’t be surprised at a little confusion on your part.

Best,

the DW

A Note on Odds and Ends...And OMD Lyrics

Dearest Readers,

Happy January 10th! A couple quick odds and ends. Then, an anecdote about a very emotional band and their lyrics.

First- The DW, as of this morning, is caught up on his very sexy mail. So, if you have not received a response to your question and you hit Send more recently than the last two hours, the DW has not purposefully ignored you, he has simply accidentally deleted your email via his crappy Yahoo! spam filter. If you have a moment to re-send, the DW will get you to the top of the line.

Second- Don't forget that if you want to pimp your blog on The Dude Whisperer, just send in an address and up the link goes. It's that easy! 

Third- Note the brand new shiny About the Site and About Privacy notes over to your left. Sorry to get all lawyerly on your a^s, but there was some confusion recently about a post regarding what should or should not have been changed/omitted for privacy purposes in a reader's question before putting it up on ye olde interwebs. It was an easy misunderstanding to fix and and all that, but the DW thought it was probably a sign that the terms of this site should be a little more explicit and right up top. So there it is.

And now for a quick story...

When the wifey was in 6th grade, she and her friend decided that the young dude the friend had been "going with" needed to be, in the wifey's words, "Sent a message." It is unclear, these many years later, what the young dude did, if anything, to deserve a "message", but the wifey and her friend debated and fussed over what to say for quite some time. This was important stuff. Just the right words had to be chosen. The perfect tone. The perfect imagery. The young dude needed to be made to understand.

Below is what the young dude got after class, handwritten on a piece of notebook paper.

Talk to me, dont lie to me

Save your breath

Dont look at me, dont smile at me

Just close your eyes

I was so impressed by you

I was running blind

I would fall for every trick

Every twist of mind

Heaven is cold

Without any soul

Its hard to believe

I was so in love with you

Dont say your prayers, dont build your hopes

Just walk away

Dont phone me up, dont call around

Dont waste your time

You were so in awe of me

You were so divine

You would do just anything

To still be mine

Heaven is cold

Without any soul

Its hard to believe

I was so in love with you

All the things you said to me

I was so upset

You were always talking talking

God I did my best

Heaven is cold

Without any soul

Its hard to believe

I was so in love with you

That's right. The lyrics from Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark's "So In Love". Perfect, right? Message sent!

Or so they thought. Instead, the young dude looked at the paper, turned it over, looked at it again, and, unsatisfyingly unilluminated, said, "What the hell is this?" 

And so it is with the dudes. As always, it is important to remember that, as much as you would like them to, they don't speak OMD. 

Another Dudefile soon.

Best,

the DW

Dude of the Week! (#12)

One of the ways the DW and the wifey knew pretty early that it was gonna work out was when their First Weekend Away Together took them down the 99 to have a chili dog in a refurbished airplane in Tulare. Slogan? "Home of the Famous Flying Weiner." And thus a committed romantic relationship was born. Good times.

In that same spirit, the DW and the wifey would like to introduce Edmundo Rombeiro, this week's not quite weekly Dude of the Week, Aero Dog Edition. Mr. Rombeiro, for 17 years running, has been decorating his house (in Novato, CA) for Christmas in an ever increasingly utterly bananas and awesome fashion. According to what looks to be the official website, this year there are over 75,000 lights. The December 2008 power bill was 3,000 dollars.

What truly sparates the Rombeiro Christmas House from other excessive decorator locations, though, is that you get to go inside. Just about every room in the house is stuffed with holiday figurines and trains and animatronic Santas and the like, all mixed in with the not strictly seasonal family photos and couches and religious items. And then at the end of the tour, Edmundo gives you a candy cane, as if you've ever done anything for him besides come gawking through his living room at 930 p.m. on a Tuesday wondering how much seeing a painting of an extremely bloody Jesus next to 78 miniature reindeer, three spinning light wheels, and fourteen fake Christmas trees would freak you out if you were high.

In case you were wondering- Yes, Edmundo's wife is on board with this whole thing.

Well done, Edmundo Rombeiro, Dude of the Week, for spreading holiday cheer like a motherf&cker. We'll be back next year for sure.

Dudefile# 40 - I'm Kind of a "Zen" Dater

Hi DW,

I hope you had a nice break, but there's no rest for the awesome. See what you got yourself into? We can't live without you now.

I am just about ready to throw in the towel. For the past two years every guy I've dated has fallen into one of two categories. A) Tries to get in my pants ASAP or B) Wants a relationship ASAP, i.e. is acting all jealous and calling me pet names by the end of the first date, practically picking out china patterns (I should send these guys to the reader who wrote in wanting the insta-commitment).

I'm kind of a "Zen" dater, as in I don't have a list, I don't have an agenda. When I meet someone for the first time I try to keep an open mind. WTF happened to being interested in getting to know someone as a person? I'm not sleeping with any of them so we can't blame it on that.

I feel like dudes are mentally going through their particular "list" and seeing if I fit into it. If I don’t fit the list, they want to bone me and move on. At least that is dude behavior I can understand.

If I do fit the list of what they're looking for I am immediately the person for them, never mind we've known each other for four hours and they know nothing of substance about me. I don't understand this one--it's creepy and it makes me want to run clear through the nearest wall. I feel like I could be anyone and they wouldn't care, they would be acting the exact same way. What self-respecting person would have a relationship under those circumstances?? Are some dudes so desperate to keep from being alone that they do this? Are a lot of dudes like this or am I just meeting the wrong ones? I feel the need to smack them over the head with my personality so they can get a clue that I am more than a means to an end for their loneliness.

Just once I'd like to meet a dude who actually listens to what I say and remembers stupid things like my favorite color or flower, or that I cry at Pixar and Disney movies. I don't think I'm asking for too much, am I?

Frustratedly yours,

I'm A Person Dammit


Hi Dammit,

So let’s say that it’s a warm, clear Northern California day and a friend calls the DW and says, “Let’s go on a hike.” The DW will answer, “To what?” If the point of the hike is to get a pancake breakfast at the West Point Inn, the DW is already tying his shoes and stretching his tawny jungle cat thighs. If the point of the hike is just to wander around some hillside for ‘some fresh air’, the DW will probably make up some excuse about his bunions or whatever and find another way to enjoy the sunshine.

This is not to say that the DW is super type A or anything. He likes to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood to take pictures and find new Mexican pastry joints. And he can watch the f^ck out of a football game on the couch just like the next dude. But he does like there to be some purpose to what he’s doing, even if the purpose is to, well, watch a stupid football game on the couch. A lot of dudes are like this. Dudes like to have a purpose to things.

What this means is that a lot of your problem stems from the fact that dudes tend to look at dating quite differently than you do. “Zen dating”, to someone who wants to know the purpose of things, may well sound just as annoying as this rush to Pants Or Relationship stuff does to you. Not sayin’ one is more right than the other, just sayin’.

In other words, if a dude asks you out he has a reason. Wanting to mouth massage your delectable boobies is a reason. Desiring a relationship is a reason. Hangin’ out for the hell of it is not a reason.

When the DW was still on the market he was never so in a rush as these dudes you describe. Any dude who wants to marry you after one date has issues to be wary of and you are right to feel a little creeped out by such a dude. Still, the DW will say that he was never interested in dating for the hell of it, either. Dating three women at a time casually seemed like more of a pain in the a%s than anything else. Why would the DW want to go out and do a bunch of date stuff and chat and pick up the check and all the rest of it without either a little humpity-hump or a committed relationship to look forward to? If he just wanted to hang out, he’d call up a dude friend and scalp bleacher seats for a Giants game.

As for your other question- No, you're not asking too much to want a dude to remember your favorite color or flower or whatever. But understand that the only reason a dude remembers items like those is because he is doing it for you. The DW couldn't tell you the favorite color of one dude friend he has, even the ones that go back 20 years. These are not things dudes value all that much. So, if you want a dude to remember things like that and honor your way of thinking you're gonna get a lot further if you make a little effort to understand dude things in return. Right now it doesn't seem like you're assuming there is a middle ground in which you and a dude should meet. Your focus seems to be more on converting a dude to where you are.

May you find some patience and Zen about the non-Zen ways of the dude. Best,

the DW

A Note on 2009

Dearest sexy readers,

Happy New Year! The DW is glad to be back with you for 2009. Thanks for hanging in there for what turned out to be an extended holiday break visiting multiple family units way over there on the east coast. Knitting, baking, Shaker village visiting, fridge cleaning, Ale-8 drinking, slot machine playing, sweet sweet love making- it was a trip that had a little bit of everything. Hope all of you had just as good a time celebrating whatever it is you choose to celebrate this time of year. 

Things on the site should get back up and rolling to their normal speed in the next couple days. The DW is aiming to (finally) get caught up on your mail, too. In the meantime, try to squeeze another day out of the Clean House marathon or whatever for your entertainment fix. Your patience, as ever, is appreciated.

More soon,

The DW

Dude of the Week! (#11)

So, some of you who are old enough might remember how there were a couple years in the mid-90s when it seemed like Eric Stoltz was in every movie made. Take a look at the stretch on his imdb page that starts with Pulp Fiction and Ends with Anaconda. Pretty solid run for a That Guy who's now settling for Battlestar Galactica prequel spinoffs.

Anyway, the DW was thinking about Mr. Stoltz the other day and decided that this weeks not quite weekly DOW, Eric Stoltz Edition goes to... James Franco, the guy who in 2021 we'll look back on and say, "Dang he had a good run for a That Guy". "Wait, that was him in Spider Man?" "Whoa, he was Sean Penn's boyfriend in Milk? Oh, sh&t, you remember Pineapple Express? Him and Seth Rogen is, like, the 2008 That Guy duo of all-time!"



Seriously, though, good for you James Franco, you alarmingly good looking dude, you, for, like Eric Stoltz before you, embracing your couple years of overload good fortune to make films that are at least a little off kilter and interesting instead of going straight to Diane Lane flicks about dog parks and Tuscany or whatever. Take it from John Cusack- that sh^t will always be there later if you get hard up. Well done, Dude of the Week. Keep up the fine intentions.

...In other news, the DW Googled "Dude of the Week" the other day and it turns out the DOW is a fairly popular concept. A sampling of non-DW DOW's are below...

- Ugly Dude of The Weekon thebleacherreport.com

- Hot Dude of the Week, Jon, on pinkisthenewblog.com

- Cool Dude of the Week, Buckminster Fuller, on myrtlebeachdude.com

- and, if you want to give yourself a headache, check this one out. Seriously, these clowns eventually get to a DOW, but you've been warned about the annoyingness which may or may not be worth the rubbernecking value.

Dudefile # 39 - The DJ

To the Dudiest of Dudes,

Here's my dude question. I started dating this dj/musician dude a while back and we seemed to have a lot of basic stuff in common. We went to shows together, I cooked him dinner, he cooked me dinner. We met each other's friends. All fairly normal dating material.

However, I noticed pretty quickly that he was really bad at communicating, even for a dude. Like, even basic things like returning a phone call. Really bad. It got to the point where a ten word text felt like the State of the Union from this dude. That being said, that still didn't really deter us from hanging out and having a great time together.

THEN he went on the road playing in a friend's band for a few weeks and all of a sudden, I just stopped hearing from him.

Okay, so...I get the message. It's over and I'm not interested in trying to get him back. But come on. I'm owed at least some kind of explanation, right? Some kind of "Sorry," or "I'm too busy," or something, even if it's lame. This is a grown dude we're talking about here. Old enough to know better.

So my question is this. Should I say something or should I just leave it alone?

~Never date DJs or drummers


Hi thereNdDJod,

Dudiest of dudes! Hell yeah!

Yipes. Sorry to hear you got That Stereotypical Musician Dude. Bad times. The DW is seriously tempted to let this devolve into a rant about how much he thinks The DJ is the most overrated and ridiculous phenomenon of our time because those folks are so often self-important wankers who don't realize that it's not actually that special to play a bunch of records drunk people like to hear when they're dancing in a horrible club, but he is bigger than that and will resist the temptation.

So, should you say something?

Look, it depends on what your purpose is. If the idea of saying something is to make yourself feel better, go nuts. The DW is of the opinion that any spiel you feel like throwing at this dipsh^t is deserved. You'd be hard pressed to go overboard, frankly. The DW has no patience with the Fade To Silence approach this dude has borrowed from the end of some boinky Euro dance track and tacked onto your relationship whether it's from a dj dude, a sorority girl, a boss, a cop, or Santa Claus. Knock yourself out. The Fade is a no balls move.

If your purpose is to make the dude feel bad, though. Well, save your breath. The thing that might actually get through to That Stereotypical Musician Dude is to move on so utterly that it's like it doesn't even matter he disappeared. If you rant, he's just gonna find a way to turn that into You So Crazy No Wonder I Broke Up With You and make up some revisionist history that absolves himself of guilt. Then he'll go pick up some choice vinyl, smoke a bowl, and use the story about how you freaked out on him to drum up sympathy from the next chick he tries to pick up. You feel me, brah?

As with anything, there are exceptions to rules. The most honest dude the DW knows is a singer and guitar player. And, it's true he was actually at a DJ friend's birthday party two days ago. And she's superawesome. But for now, maybe play the odds and stay away from the dudes with instruments.

Here's to a non-DJ d&ck in your near future. Best,

the DW

Dudefile# 38 - How Can I Tell If He's Lying

Dear Dude Whisperer,

How do you know if he's lying? I've been known to be a human lie detector, and I can almost always just tell. So I suspect he is not telling me something but of course I'm not going to accost him with "I JUST HAVE A FEELING!" (Or accost him at all. I don’t know what he's lying about, but red flags go up when he's MIA for hours and then says he was taking a nap. Maybe he WAS napping. That's reasonable. But for some reason I'm skeptical.) What are the tell tale signs something's going on that he's keeping from you?

HLD


Hi there,

First of all, HLD, the DW hopes your holiday was good and that nobody lied to you about naps or anything else. May there be pie and joy in your holidays to come, and may you not accost any dudes and bum them out.

So. Lying. To answer the general question - there is no foolproof way to tell if a dude is spinning a yarn. Of course, the odds he’s lying increase approximately 972,006 times if he’s trying to get in your pants (6 billion times if he’s trying to get in your pants for The First Time), but you already knew that. Please, tell me all of you already knew that.

Maybe he lies to get out of the house, to watch football, to cheat on you. Maybe he doesn’t lie at all. But here’s the thing. You’re not gonna figure out if he’s lying just from the words that come out of his mouth. A dude lying to get into your thongity thong thong thong might actually momentarily Believe his own line of sh%t just because he wants that sugary muffin goodness of yours so badly. A dude with a boner can say “Yeah, baby. I think it would be great to move in together and buy some floral print sheets,” with a straight face and Sean Penn sincerity. And that can be dangerous for everybody involved.

So here’s your strategy. Pay attention to how the dude behaves, not what he says. Talk, talk, talk, whatever. Blah, blah, words. Dudes value actions about 423 trillion times more than words and have a much harder time lying with their outward behaviors. When the actions and the words don't match up, something's amiss. "I love you," from a dude's mouth is, in many respects, just a sound his mouth made. Like “Sham-poo” or “Fahrvergnügen”. If he doesn't Act like “I love you,” get worried.

Two final brief thoughts. You're right to never accost a dude with, "I just have a feeling." That will give him an instant headache and he will revolt against the next ten ideas you have, no matter what they are. Don't do it. He will “just have a feeling” you’re being a pain in the ass and nothing good will come of it.

The other is- pick your battles. Getting back to your dude specifically, let's suppose he is stretching the truth about napping. But for what purpose? If you think he's using “naptime” to lustily bone half the block, that's one thing. But if you think maybe he just wants to be left alone for awhile, seriously consider letting it slide. The DW came home from a rather un-awesome day at work the other day and as much as he loves the wifey, all he wanted to do was sit still for half an hour and stare at the wall and silently do absolutely nothing. Had nothing to do with her. The DW just needed a minute to have a brain nap and a few deep breaths. If the wifey hadn’t read him perfectly and given him some space, he might well have made up some kind of “I need to check my email” kind of excuse/lie to be in the other room for a minute.

Look, the DW is not saying it's okay for the dude to lie all the time, or for you to lie all the time- just make sure you're not going looking for things to be suspicious about. Maybe when you think you can “just tell”, as you put it, take a minute to examine the facts and behaviors and significance of the situation as closely as your instincts.

Actions!

the DW